Please help me, I need your advice

[Myra]

Hi I am Filipina and I’m 34 years old and I have been married before. I have children from my previous marriage. I filed annulment and I’m now waiting for the decree absolute.
. I have a British fiancé and we been in a relationships for four years now. He came to the Philippines 7 times and we lived together in England this year where I used a visitor visa. My fiancé is single and never been married and he is 10 years older than me.

When we are not rowing he is so sweet, caring and loving. He gave me monthly allowance to send money to my children back home. I would say that in that long period of time in our relationships, like other couples we have ups and downs, but we are happy together over all.

I just came back here to the Philippines to get all the papers sorted out regarding my annulment and my future fiancée visa application.

We agreed that we are going to get married next year as soon as I get my visa and we will live together in England.

The problem is; I can not bring my children with me because he said, he can not afford to support us all with his average income and he got only one bedroom house. I know his financial status ever since.

I was hoping that in the future if I can get a proper job after we get married I would be able to support my children here in the Philippines. I know this is not acceptable to most people that how can a mother left her children to live with her man abroad. It always hurt me to think that I can not bring them with me to the UK. But if I stay here in the Philippines I would not be able to send them to school and at my age now, the chance to get employed is small so the other option for me is to work abroad. My children are in secondary school now and been look after by my parents when I’m not here.

I’ve been dreaming to have a happy family, but I know from the start that it would be impossible to happen as he always says that the cost of living in the UK is very expensive. I know I have a big part to blame that even I know he is not really interested to get me and my kids all together with him in the UK I still let the relationship continue until we reach to this point.

Two weeks ago, he planned to come here for a one- week holiday so that we can have a family time together. He even asked me if my son would love to have a table football game. It was all alright. We chat every morning and exchange emails several times a day.
But before he book his flight we had a row and all plans ruined, means he will not be coming here. Then we made –up again after we both realized our mistakes, but still he can not come anymore, all the cheapest flights gone, he said.

From then on, he never goes online in the evening (uk time), but he send me short emails when he is at work.
I accepted his reason that he is very tired at night at did not want to switch on the computer. I must admit that I’m fighting the feeling of insecurity, but one time I had a go to him that maybe the reason why he is not online because he is messing around again. He once admitted to me that he went to see someone else last year, that was before we live together, but he said that was nothing, he said he was just down and lonely that’s why he went to see other woman. I forgave him for that mistake and gave him a second chance and I know he did not do it anymore, as I never notice any unfaithfulness behaviors when were together. But every time we have a row, I always worry that he will do it again. I know I have to trust him, and I try not to entertain any negative thoughts about him.

Lately we had a big arguments because he was blaming me that I gave up my job here that now I am unemployed and he is the one who support us financially. I feel so bad about myself that I have to depend on him, but I tried to find job here but I have no success. He sends me a couple of hundred pounds a month.

He knows that when I have my job before I go to UK I did not ask him for financial help. I just feel so bad that after all I have done to him, I gave up my job here last year and I left my children and we lived together, he keeps blaming things on me that I should not give up my job, that if he did not spent money on me he could be able to get a brand new car and etc etc…He is so upset that he lost so much money in his investment because of the stock market fell. He told me today that what he wants for his life is to travel and to travel. I know he is upset because since we live together he could not be able to travel.
Now, with the financial crisis going on in the world’s economy he is worried that with his financial status, he seems to prefer to let me go.

It is hurt, he told me that, he is willing to help me to get on my feet back again and all I have to do is to tell him how he can help me.

I just can not believe it, after those years we tried to make this work he is just going to send me away.

I am so upset, I love him very much and I do not want to lose him, but I love my children, too. :bigcry::bigcry::bigcry:
I do not know what to do now.
Please enlighten me, any opinion, advice and reply will be appreciated.
Thank you very much.

Myra

[Ann07]

Hi Myra,

Cheer up:)

Life is always beautiful never lose hope:) Life is so tough sometimes but we have to keep fighting. I know its not easy for you.

He lied to you once, in my opinion I cannot trust him anymore. If he really loves you he will not do things like that. Four years is a long time for you both. You made your sacrifces for him. I hope you dont mind me asking when you gave up your job was it the decision you both made? and he will support you regularly after that? Coz its not fair blaming you all the time. And as i can see it he is not that ready yet to commit himself to a married life knowing that you have childrens already, all he wanted to do is to travel and to travel and blaming you about the car :Cuckoo:

hope you will reflect everything Myra for the seek of your children. I will pray for you. Goodluck and keep smiling:)


Ann

[amyburple]

Don't loose HOPE.... Just trust GOD always. Everything will be alright!
GOD BLESS YOU :):):)

[missmiles]

GOD BLESS YOU SIS...

[jbt]

hi myra..

I hope that whatever decisions you will make will be worth it. There's no question that you love your children so much, it just so happen that you fell in love w/a man who you said cannot afford to bring w/you you're children, in case you'll live here in UK w/him....

I hope your fiance', realize how lucky he was to have you and in case, you both decided to be together and live here in UK, i wish one day he will change his mind and agree to at least even try to bring your children to live with you guys, for sure, you'll be able to find a job once you're here, so maybe by then if you're both working, you can afford to support the kids when they're here.

Goodluck in everything.

:)

[adam&chryss]

Hi Myra. I`m sorry to hear your story. Of course the most important thing is your kids and their welfare. My wife Chryss is applying for her visa very soon and I couldnt imagine her coming without her son. There`s no way a mother should be without her kids. It would be hard for everybody.
Sure times are hard here but somehow things should work out.
How can anybody compare that to having a new car? Thats just plain silly!
To be honest it doesn`t sound likes he`s ready to settle down as he seems more worried about himself and what he wants rather than you and your children.
I hope you find a solution but please bear in mind that from what i`ve heard you`ve done nothing wrong and shouldn`t feel guilty.
Goodluck with everything.

[joebloggs]

how many kids do you have myra and what are their ages ?

he could claim child benefit for them if you married and they came to the uk, i think for 1 child its £75-ish a month, and for 2 kids its £125 a month, also depending on his wage, he could get tax creds to. so after paying for settlement visa's for them and flights for them, i don't think he can use that exucse it's too expensive to bring them here, becuase of the benefits he could get, also like you said, once you get a job, you could pay for them yourslef.

i've got 2 stepkids, car or travel never came into my mnid b4 them, the youngest was definately coming with my wife, the older one, came to the uk when he finished high school. money or no money stopped me getting them here,

i tihnk your bf's problem is more than money, or money is just an excuse, especially if he thinking of buying a new car b4 getting them to the uk :NoNo:

[cheesewiz]

sorry about the situation you're into right now. I hope that you can work it out together and sorted the problem immediately. Like Joe said you might get help from the UK govt. Good luck

[cheesewiz]

[QUOTE=joebloggs;98286]
he could claim child benefit for them if you married and they came to the uk, i think for 1 child its £75-ish a month, and for 2 kids its £125 a month
QUOTE]


at work many of my brits co-workers think that we immigrants are just here for benefits:NoNo: bec most of our eastern european workmates that's what their doing unfortunately. Some of them works just 32 hours so they can claim child benefits and tax credit. One of my hungarian workmate said to me that she got an easy life here in UK (she gets child benefit, tax credit and as a single parent she gets more) which is a bit annoying that I work so hard and her she only need to work 3 days and gets more than me working 12hrs a day and 5-6days a week.

of course sometimes I explained to them that we are not subject to public fund only those in EU. Its hard to keep on depending ourselves but still some don't believe us at all, so our life here in UK are nice as we can buy what we want etc and its hard that some people think we are oppotunist.

[whiteraven]

hi myra, im sorry about your situation and im afraid i have to agree with the others on here. if he puts a car and foreign travel before the love of a lady like yourself then i really dont think hes ready to commit himself to you. his loss im afraid. hope things turn out ok for you in the future.

[joebloggs]

[QUOTE=joebloggs;98286]
which is a bit annoying that I work so hard and her she only need to work 3 days and gets more than me working 12hrs a day and 5-6days a week.



that's another problem of being in the European union, non brit europeans can work here for a year and then claim benefits, even benefits for kids back in their own country, and even if they go back to their own country, they can claim unemployment benefit from the britsh gov back in their own country. while those like yourself on work permits, until they have ILR cannot claim hardly anything, even thou they have paid taxes :cwm23: unfair it is..

[Myra]

thanks to all who replied to my post.
It is so sad that after all the years, I did everything to please him and did my best to make our relationships work but I failed again.
I guess, it is really my destiny to be alone.
Im trying to be brave and strong now. Somehow, I will get over all this pain in my heart.
Thanks again.

[joebloggs]

not all guys are a waste of time :NoNo:

time is a good healer, and sometimes bad things happen for a good reason..

don't give up, someone out there is waiting for you :rolleyes:

[Myra]

not all guys are a waste of time :NoNo:

time is a good healer, and sometimes bad things happen for a good reason..

don't give up, someone out there is waiting for you :rolleyes:

Thanks Moderator Joebloggs for the encouragement.
Yes you are right that everything happens for a good reason.

[Frances]

not all guys are a waste of time :NoNo:

time is a good healer, and sometimes bad things happen for a good reason..

don't give up, someone out there is waiting for you :rolleyes:

I agree:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Myra]

I agree:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Thanks Frances.

It is very difficult for me , but I just can not stand all his accusations and keep blaming things on me. He always count all the money he spent on this relationships and always bragging that because of this relationships he could not afford to go to those places that he wanted to see. It is so sad that he did not realised all the good things I ve done to him when were together. I feel so debastated that I wasted my entire years.
I just told him that he is free, but he keeps emailing me and still blaming things on me.
Thanks again.