Alan
17th November 2008, 13:40
I would like to take this opportunity, in advance of November the 25th, to wish you all a happy Saint Grebble's Day!
Now, as I am sure you are all aware, Saint Grebble, who, of course, is the patron saint of wallpaper paste, was born in 3,465 BC when Caesar himself was thinking, 'I wonder when I shall be born?'
Of course, Saint Grebble was born horribly disfigured, being born without arms, legs or torso. In fact, Larry, as was his first name, was merely a head, born from the womb of his unfortunate mother, Brittany Kylie.
He almost made it back to full health when, upon his 18th birthday, his father took him to the local taverna, or, 'booze house' in his local town of birth, Barnoldswick.
Upon partaking of his initial 'noggin' he suddenly 'sprouted' a torso, as if some magic demon were at work in the area - but everyone present who witnessed this miracle dismissed this eventuality, as George Bush would not be born for about another 4,000 years. 'Thank God' sighed the throng!!!!
Thrusting rapidly a second 'imbibe' down his throat, the gathered throng, plus a reporter from the Daily Star witnessed the growth of two arms upon his body!!!! All stared in AWE as if some wonderous miracle were taking place - such as Oldham scoring a goal!!
In the midst of what came to be known as 'The Miracle of Barnoldswick' which by now had even superceeded the former 'Miracle of the Virgin of Leeds', because they actually found one - even though latterly it transpired that she hailed from Rhyl, where man and woman alike are ALL virgins due to it being the most boring place since the discovery of the 'Sea of Tranquility' just off Southport Beach, Larry Grebble and his father decided to take things one step (Even though he still did not have any legs) further and thus ordered another tankard of 'Old Mother Riley's Smelly Fart', a drink made ever more popular when people wanted to do something more interesting than watching 'Wowowee.'
Upon slamming the next 'Smelly Fart' down his throat, there was a cloud of smoke which enveloped Larry.
All gathered thought it was either a major fire, or just a normal Sunday in the Philippines countryside.
HOWEVER!!!! When the smoke had cleared, there was no sign of Larry Grebble!!! He had disappeared as quickly as you could say - well - 'Quickly!'
The tavernous congregation were shocked and amazed!! 'We are shocked and amazed' they said. (See, I told you they were shocked and amazed!!)
The landlord, a certain Bill Smithus (He was Roman) (well, he had been to lots of places anyway) stood proudly behind the bar, although nobody spotted this because the bar hid his todger, shaking his head, tutting madly.
'Tut, tut, tut' he said.
'Why are you tut, tut, tutting Billy?' enquired the waiting human mass, and the Daily Star reporters as well.
'I knew it' uttered Billy - with a tear creeping down his cheek, falling onto his now flaccid member.
'You knew what?' they enquired.
'I knew he should have quit whilst he was ahead!'
HAPPY SAINT GREBBLE'S DAY EVERYONE!!!
Al.:)
Now, as I am sure you are all aware, Saint Grebble, who, of course, is the patron saint of wallpaper paste, was born in 3,465 BC when Caesar himself was thinking, 'I wonder when I shall be born?'
Of course, Saint Grebble was born horribly disfigured, being born without arms, legs or torso. In fact, Larry, as was his first name, was merely a head, born from the womb of his unfortunate mother, Brittany Kylie.
He almost made it back to full health when, upon his 18th birthday, his father took him to the local taverna, or, 'booze house' in his local town of birth, Barnoldswick.
Upon partaking of his initial 'noggin' he suddenly 'sprouted' a torso, as if some magic demon were at work in the area - but everyone present who witnessed this miracle dismissed this eventuality, as George Bush would not be born for about another 4,000 years. 'Thank God' sighed the throng!!!!
Thrusting rapidly a second 'imbibe' down his throat, the gathered throng, plus a reporter from the Daily Star witnessed the growth of two arms upon his body!!!! All stared in AWE as if some wonderous miracle were taking place - such as Oldham scoring a goal!!
In the midst of what came to be known as 'The Miracle of Barnoldswick' which by now had even superceeded the former 'Miracle of the Virgin of Leeds', because they actually found one - even though latterly it transpired that she hailed from Rhyl, where man and woman alike are ALL virgins due to it being the most boring place since the discovery of the 'Sea of Tranquility' just off Southport Beach, Larry Grebble and his father decided to take things one step (Even though he still did not have any legs) further and thus ordered another tankard of 'Old Mother Riley's Smelly Fart', a drink made ever more popular when people wanted to do something more interesting than watching 'Wowowee.'
Upon slamming the next 'Smelly Fart' down his throat, there was a cloud of smoke which enveloped Larry.
All gathered thought it was either a major fire, or just a normal Sunday in the Philippines countryside.
HOWEVER!!!! When the smoke had cleared, there was no sign of Larry Grebble!!! He had disappeared as quickly as you could say - well - 'Quickly!'
The tavernous congregation were shocked and amazed!! 'We are shocked and amazed' they said. (See, I told you they were shocked and amazed!!)
The landlord, a certain Bill Smithus (He was Roman) (well, he had been to lots of places anyway) stood proudly behind the bar, although nobody spotted this because the bar hid his todger, shaking his head, tutting madly.
'Tut, tut, tut' he said.
'Why are you tut, tut, tutting Billy?' enquired the waiting human mass, and the Daily Star reporters as well.
'I knew it' uttered Billy - with a tear creeping down his cheek, falling onto his now flaccid member.
'You knew what?' they enquired.
'I knew he should have quit whilst he was ahead!'
HAPPY SAINT GREBBLE'S DAY EVERYONE!!!
Al.:)