Alan
22nd March 2009, 11:05
G'day ladies and Bruces,
Well, after 8 days at death's door, (How can you be at death's door? I mean, where does he/she/it live? Hell, 10, Downing St.? Liverpool?), I am finally back in the land of the living - no, not Cleethorpes! What I mean to say is thus:
Just over a week ago, I was awoken by a tap on the shoulder - I was sleeping in the sink! As I struggled back to bed, I had this strange feeling - a feeling like someone had grabbed hold of my stomach, squeezed it, twisted it and was then trying to pull it out through my - errr, - bottom!
In other words, I was very, very ill!
I put up with it through Saturday and Sunday but by this time the violent stomach pains were accompanied by nausea, headaches, severe 'runs' and Kenny Ball's Jazzmen.
I felt like 'death warmed up.' (Another strange one there - I mean, who knows what death warmed up feels like? Who knows what death feels like? And, how can you 'warm it up?' Take 4 oz. of death and put it in the oven for 10 mins. on gas mark 5.
Monday morning saw me at the local abbatoir, sorry, clinic, where I was seen after only about 20 mins. wait. BP 135 over 80 - weight 77.8 kg. temp. 37.8.
A very nice doctor told me that he would send me to a local hospital to be checked out thoroughly.
Minutes later, I entered what can only be described as Ground Zero with windows!! I'm sure that it was the same hospital that my late uncle Frank attended all those years ago. Waking after major surgery, the doctor said to uncle Frank, " Sir, I have some bad news for you and some good news."
Uncle Frank, understandably concerned, retorted, " What is the bad news?" to which the doctor replied, " I am so sorry sir, but we found it necessary to amputate both of your legs."
Uncle Frank took several minutes to compose himself after this staggering revelation. He somehow found the words, "So, what is the good news?"
The doctor, sedately, responded, "The bloke in the next bed wants to buy your bedroom slippers!"
I digress -
Much to my chagrin, I sauntered down cockroach infested corridors until I found the office of one Dr. Micael Gonzalez. (Yes, that is the correct spelling of Mikeal!) Why is spelling so damn difficult? Why do we have silent 'h's and silent 'k's etc..etc..?
In fact, I think I shall adopt a few silent 'p's in MY name. Henceforth I shall spell my name - APLAPPPNP - remember, all the 'p's are silent. That would make a nice change actually, 'cos all the 'p's aren't silent in my apartment here - you can hear people having a slash from 3 doors away!! Not nice when you're pouring a drink of lemon and lime!!!!
About an hour later came the news nobody wants to hear!!! Labour have won another election!! - No, No, I jest! - Well, I jest wanted to hear what was wrong with me actually!!! Was I going to die? Or was I going tomorrow???!!!
Doctor Muchial informed me of the following:-
I was suffering from chronic gastoenteritis and severe dehydration!!!
I argued his findings thus - I could not be suffering from gastroenteritis as I have an electric stove at home, also, dehydration??? Not a chance! I left Stalybridge these 30 years past and not once have I lost sleep over no longer visiting Hyde!!!!
He put me straight on his diagnosis! I felt such a fool!!! But then the fool left the room, threatening to sue for sexual abuse!!!
I was therefore prescribed copious amounts of Latin sounding medicines and told to rest for a week. I therefore have done just that, sweating out the most unpleasant of illnesses !! I am glad and relieved to report that I am now 'over the worst' and that I am back with my serious, to the point, informative meanderings on this, the Oscar of all forums.
God bless you all, hi to everyone new, happy birthday Keith, Shelly, Fred and anyone else who I may have missed - except for Darren Thurlman of Stanley Road, Spalding! I hate his guts!!!!
Many congrats to all who have received Visas! I am insanely jealous of you but also very pleased for you.
My sympathies go out to the billions of Oldham fans all over the world as we once again succeed in our world-breaking attempt to go from top of the league to bottom in a world record space of time!
Hi to The King, Elvis! I know you're reading this somewhere sir!
I AM BACK!
Al.:)
All events and names in the above post are fictional and any reference to people alive, dead or undead are purely accidental, on purpose!
Well, after 8 days at death's door, (How can you be at death's door? I mean, where does he/she/it live? Hell, 10, Downing St.? Liverpool?), I am finally back in the land of the living - no, not Cleethorpes! What I mean to say is thus:
Just over a week ago, I was awoken by a tap on the shoulder - I was sleeping in the sink! As I struggled back to bed, I had this strange feeling - a feeling like someone had grabbed hold of my stomach, squeezed it, twisted it and was then trying to pull it out through my - errr, - bottom!
In other words, I was very, very ill!
I put up with it through Saturday and Sunday but by this time the violent stomach pains were accompanied by nausea, headaches, severe 'runs' and Kenny Ball's Jazzmen.
I felt like 'death warmed up.' (Another strange one there - I mean, who knows what death warmed up feels like? Who knows what death feels like? And, how can you 'warm it up?' Take 4 oz. of death and put it in the oven for 10 mins. on gas mark 5.
Monday morning saw me at the local abbatoir, sorry, clinic, where I was seen after only about 20 mins. wait. BP 135 over 80 - weight 77.8 kg. temp. 37.8.
A very nice doctor told me that he would send me to a local hospital to be checked out thoroughly.
Minutes later, I entered what can only be described as Ground Zero with windows!! I'm sure that it was the same hospital that my late uncle Frank attended all those years ago. Waking after major surgery, the doctor said to uncle Frank, " Sir, I have some bad news for you and some good news."
Uncle Frank, understandably concerned, retorted, " What is the bad news?" to which the doctor replied, " I am so sorry sir, but we found it necessary to amputate both of your legs."
Uncle Frank took several minutes to compose himself after this staggering revelation. He somehow found the words, "So, what is the good news?"
The doctor, sedately, responded, "The bloke in the next bed wants to buy your bedroom slippers!"
I digress -
Much to my chagrin, I sauntered down cockroach infested corridors until I found the office of one Dr. Micael Gonzalez. (Yes, that is the correct spelling of Mikeal!) Why is spelling so damn difficult? Why do we have silent 'h's and silent 'k's etc..etc..?
In fact, I think I shall adopt a few silent 'p's in MY name. Henceforth I shall spell my name - APLAPPPNP - remember, all the 'p's are silent. That would make a nice change actually, 'cos all the 'p's aren't silent in my apartment here - you can hear people having a slash from 3 doors away!! Not nice when you're pouring a drink of lemon and lime!!!!
About an hour later came the news nobody wants to hear!!! Labour have won another election!! - No, No, I jest! - Well, I jest wanted to hear what was wrong with me actually!!! Was I going to die? Or was I going tomorrow???!!!
Doctor Muchial informed me of the following:-
I was suffering from chronic gastoenteritis and severe dehydration!!!
I argued his findings thus - I could not be suffering from gastroenteritis as I have an electric stove at home, also, dehydration??? Not a chance! I left Stalybridge these 30 years past and not once have I lost sleep over no longer visiting Hyde!!!!
He put me straight on his diagnosis! I felt such a fool!!! But then the fool left the room, threatening to sue for sexual abuse!!!
I was therefore prescribed copious amounts of Latin sounding medicines and told to rest for a week. I therefore have done just that, sweating out the most unpleasant of illnesses !! I am glad and relieved to report that I am now 'over the worst' and that I am back with my serious, to the point, informative meanderings on this, the Oscar of all forums.
God bless you all, hi to everyone new, happy birthday Keith, Shelly, Fred and anyone else who I may have missed - except for Darren Thurlman of Stanley Road, Spalding! I hate his guts!!!!
Many congrats to all who have received Visas! I am insanely jealous of you but also very pleased for you.
My sympathies go out to the billions of Oldham fans all over the world as we once again succeed in our world-breaking attempt to go from top of the league to bottom in a world record space of time!
Hi to The King, Elvis! I know you're reading this somewhere sir!
I AM BACK!
Al.:)
All events and names in the above post are fictional and any reference to people alive, dead or undead are purely accidental, on purpose!