GaryFifer
25th July 2009, 11:37
I also like the one about the boatload of Viagra that went down in Loch Ness — and the monster came up.
I feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel all day.
What’s the difference between an Iraqi woman and a pilchard? One’s ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other’s a fish.
I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
A guy walks into a shop and says: "I'd like to buy a wasp." The shopkeeper says:"A wasp? But we don't sell wasps." "Why not?You've got one in the window."
My sister went to a hairdressers and said:"Make me look like Lea Salonga." So she hit her over the nose with a hairbrush."
I was walking down the street the other day and saw a lesbian. She must have been a lesbian because she didn't fancy me.
A bloke goes to the opticians - the optician says "I'm afraid your going to have to stop wanking" Bloke:"Why, will I go blind?"Optician "No, but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room"
Yorkshire couple go to Majorca for their first holiday abroad. Being typical Brits abroad, they don't trust the local food, and as it's a Sunday they start cooking a roast dinner. Unfortunately they've forgotten the gravy granules, so Maureen says to Geoffrey:"I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"So off he goes, knocks on the door, Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"The bloke says: "F*** off you Spanish C***!
Drunk bloke goes into a bar and shouts "You lot over there are a bunch of w******s! And you you lot over there are a bunch of cunts!" One big man stands up says "How dare you!I'm not a ******" Drunk bloke says "Get over there with the cunts then!"
Most from Bernard Manning
I feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel all day.
What’s the difference between an Iraqi woman and a pilchard? One’s ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other’s a fish.
I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
A guy walks into a shop and says: "I'd like to buy a wasp." The shopkeeper says:"A wasp? But we don't sell wasps." "Why not?You've got one in the window."
My sister went to a hairdressers and said:"Make me look like Lea Salonga." So she hit her over the nose with a hairbrush."
I was walking down the street the other day and saw a lesbian. She must have been a lesbian because she didn't fancy me.
A bloke goes to the opticians - the optician says "I'm afraid your going to have to stop wanking" Bloke:"Why, will I go blind?"Optician "No, but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room"
Yorkshire couple go to Majorca for their first holiday abroad. Being typical Brits abroad, they don't trust the local food, and as it's a Sunday they start cooking a roast dinner. Unfortunately they've forgotten the gravy granules, so Maureen says to Geoffrey:"I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"So off he goes, knocks on the door, Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"The bloke says: "F*** off you Spanish C***!
Drunk bloke goes into a bar and shouts "You lot over there are a bunch of w******s! And you you lot over there are a bunch of cunts!" One big man stands up says "How dare you!I'm not a ******" Drunk bloke says "Get over there with the cunts then!"
Most from Bernard Manning