Understanding teens...

[britishdetained]

Was deadly worried today as never in the past years my eldest daugther come home late. It was almost past 8 this evening when my sister and I noticed that my eldest daugther is not home yet. Since I am so pre occupied with Kevin and my other young ones...I dont really check on my eldest. I set rules in the house to which everybody must follows. Because I am the eldest in the family, they all knew that at 6pm everyone must be home. So then I thought my daugther would be following the rule that I set.

Before, one of the yayas knocked at my room and almost in tears as she found out that Coullene is not in her room. So the I checked it as I dont really see her, went to other rooms, and even asked my neighbor if they saw her. I was in panic call the school and asked what time she finished school today...and the guard told me that he saw her going out around 3 PM with her classmates. I need to drive to where her school service lives and asked why he didnt pick her up. He then just said he thought I picked her from school. I drive around the area trying to look for her...phoned everyone and no answer. Then my sister and I was surprised to see her walking near the guard house. Angrily, stopped the car and asked her to get in. My sister started nagging her as I dont know how to start with her.

When we got home I asked her to go to her room and change. After few minutes I knocked and asked if I can speak to her. I try to be calm though my body still shaking as I knew it was late for her to be home. I asked where she went and why she never informed me of her plans. She just told me she went to her classmate's birthday party. Told her off by not asking permission, and by going home too late. She start crying and told me I should not get angry as she just went to a party. I explained why I am angry, I told her I am not angry to her but to what she did. Explained that she is only 11 years old and that age she must not go anywhere without me knowing it especially now that we still have problems. Burst into tears and told me that she is OLD ENOUGH and can handle her self...
:NoNo:

Oh...this is the hard time having teens in the house. Cant understand her at all. But as a mum has to have patient and extra understanding. Dont know what to do with her at the moment. Cant really allow her with going out especially at her age.

[Tawi2]

My son is worse,my goodness the schemes and machinations in his mind make my blood BOIL:cwm23: but then when he smiles :icon_lol: I never had a daughter so cant speak from experience,but you have to explain bad things happen sometimes in this life,tell her not every man is as nice as her dad or grandfather,tell her your laying down a set of rules that need to be adhered to for a reason,tell her you love her and that makes you worry about her safety,give her a cell-phone so theres always contact,make sure its always got some load on it,explain its for emergencies and she must keep it handy at all times.I was in Polomolok 2 years ago,maybe 3 :Erm: 2 schoolgirls got into a tricycle,the driver took them just outside of town where his drunken friends were waiting,the girls bodies were found in a sugar-cane field,children are never really fully aware of the dangers :NoNo:

[miss.piggy]

Charlene, those days when we only play patintero or piko in the neighbourhood is over. I don't have a teenager yet, but we are also worried about our kids because they have no sense of fear. I think we just have to keep on reminding them of the do's and never's, and tell them beforehand the consequences if they disobey.

[britishdetained]

My son is worse,my goodness the schemes and machinations in his mind make my blood BOIL:cwm23: but then when he smiles :icon_lol: I never had a daughter so cant speak from experience,but you have to explain bad things happen sometimes in this life,tell her not every man is as nice as her dad or grandfather,tell her your laying down a set of rules that need to be adhered to for a reason,tell her you love her and that makes you worry about her safety,give her a cell-phone so theres always contact,make sure its always got some load on it,explain its for emergencies and she must keep it handy at all times.I was in Polomolok 2 years ago,maybe 3 :Erm: 2 schoolgirls got into a tricycle,the driver took them just outside of town where his drunken friends were waiting,the girls bodies were found in a sugar-cane field,children are never really fully aware of the dangers :NoNo:

Its really terrible eh...have to have a long string of patience to understand her. I gave her cellphone but she always switch it off and will have alot of excuses why it should not be switched on. I have been telling her how would it be dangerous for her to be outside especially at night, but then just ignores me at all. Most of the time I would blame myself for not being with her. She grew up with my dad's and my sister. When I gave birth to her, coz I was only 19 then...my father didnt gave her to me. She grew up thinking that I am her eldest sister coz even in her BC her paprent are my parents...that time just have to follow my dad as I needed to finish my studies. Then only last year, Kevin able to have my dads approval to tell her the truth about me and she living with us. I think it is something to do with that...O guess. But I am trying to be a good mum and a friend to her. But ost often she will just ignor me and even would tell me, why would I care...she didnt grew up with me and she only knew me as her sister. Wish she would really understand me not allowing her going out. I even tried inviting her friends in the house so she wont say im very strict. How would I get to understand teenager?:cwm34:

[britishdetained]

Charlene, those days when we only play patintero or piko in the neighbourhood is over. I don't have a teenager yet, but we are also worried about our kids because they have no sense of fear. I think we just have to keep on reminding them of the do's and never's, and tell them beforehand the consequences if they disobey.

I hope my love for her would be enough for her to understand me why its a big NO NO going out at night. :doh:doh Really trying my hardest to be close to her and somehow scare her of what outside can do for her:NoNo:

[Tawi2]

Complex story,but not unusual in Pinas we both know that,hope she isnt going through a wild-phase,but she is only 11 :Erm:Boys are different,my sons 12 but he knows when my eyes widen and my voice is low and quiet fireworks are about to start :icon_lol: I have never hit him,I always threaten to kick his ass,he just laughs,but when my voice is at full volume he is sensible enough to be on his best behaviour for a few weeks.Tell her if she turns off the phone your going to take it away from her,it was bought as a communication tool,if its switched off its uncontactable so whats the use of her having it?Ground her?Theres loads of people on here with similarly aged daughters,anyone else going through the same sort of thing with a girl?Whats the answer?:Erm:

[miss.piggy]

I hope my love for her would be enough for her to understand me why its a big NO NO going out at night. :doh:doh Really trying my hardest to be close to her and somehow scare her of what outside can do for her:NoNo:

I was once an angry child ( :yikes:), and I can still remember the days when I go past my curfew, and had to climb up the gates to get in the house! Your 11 year old is still young, and she will only see your advices as criticms. (That's how I felt at that time) You can only wait for her to mature a bit to understand that mummy knows best!

[miss.piggy]

and since your dad told her the real score...she now have no choice but to understand that. you can't limit yourself as a mother specially now. Eitherway, what you're asking from her is respect, that even an older sister should get, di ba?

[britishdetained]

Complex story,but not unusual in Pinas we both know that,hope she isnt going through a wild-phase,but she is only 11 :Erm:Boys are different,my sons 12 but he knows when my eyes widen and my voice is low and quiet fireworks are about to start :icon_lol: I have never hit him,I always threaten to kick his ass,he just laughs,but when my voice is at full volume he is sensible enough to be on his best behaviour for a few weeks.Tell her if she turns off the phone your going to take it away from her,it was bought as a communication tool,if its switched off its uncontactable so whats the use of her having it?Ground her?Theres loads of people on here with similarly aged daughters,anyone else going through the same sort of thing with a girl?Whats the answer?:Erm:

yeah sad but true...my life is a big hell diffirent really. During that time all i need to do was to follow my dad or I'll loose everything. But Coullene went through counselling ;last year for her to understand the complexity of the situation. She went good with that. Only started these problems early June...her attitude on being so independent really annoys me at all.
I used that technique...lowering your voice, making your eyes big but...i think my eye balls would pop out my eyes and she would just ignores me or just do the total opposite. I thought at that age they would be contented playing in their room or reading...got her own cp but always switch off-give her freedom to have visitors but then she prefers going out..I even chat with her every night but not interested at all.
Im more protective as she is female and it is alot hell dangerous having a her out at night especially she doesnt look like 11:doh

[britishdetained]

and since your dad told her the real score...she now have no choice but to understand that. you can't limit yourself as a mother specially now. Eitherway, what you're asking from her is respect, that even an older sister should get, di ba?

youre right...I has to accept me and understand why im being angry. Sometimes t am thinking what other option to use...softie one or the firm one? She thinks she is a teenager and old enough to handle herself...:NoNo:

[Tawi2]

Teenage girls always think they are old enough to handle themselves,but by the time you have walked into the lions cage,seen the big-cats lurking in the shadows,and the door slams shut behind you its already too late :NoNo: 11 years old is still a kid,your the adult,she is the child,she needs to realise that.

[britishdetained]

I was once an angry child ( :yikes:), and I can still remember the days when I go past my curfew, and had to climb up the gates to get in the house! Your 11 year old is still young, and she will only see your advices as criticms. (That's how I felt at that time) You can only wait for her to mature a bit to understand that mummy knows best!

actually i think im trying to be a better mum for her. as when i was young, gosh didnt got any friends and never allowed out. my parents are very very very strict...im not even allowed to stay in the living room only school and my bedroom! But with her, every weekend I send her to her voice lesson school, then she can go out with her friends but with the yaya and go back before 6 but dont know what else i should do..:Erm::NoNo:

[miss.piggy]

youre right...I has to accept me and understand why im being angry. Sometimes t am thinking what other option to use...softie one or the firm one? She thinks she is a teenager and old enough to handle herself...:NoNo:
Ask her if she really think she's old enough to understand, then if she'd say yes, then talk to her like how you would speak with an adult. Open your heart to her hoping she'd understand. It may take time, but atleast you are making yourself clear as how you, her own mother, are feeling about the whole thing starting from when you had to let her go. You, of all people, would have the best story to say and learn from. Let your children get something from your past.

[Tawi2]

back in 2002 a kid was walking through my village on her way home from school,six months later her skeletal remains were found in thick undergrowth in Hampshire,quite a famous case,Milly Dowler,it probably happens dozens of times a day across the world,brings incredible heartache to the family,explain these things,she thinks she is old enough to be treated as an adult,explain the harsh realities to her.:NoNo:

[britishdetained]

Teenage girls always think they are old enough to handle themselves,but by the time you have walked into the lions cage,seen the big-cats lurking in the shadows,and the door slams shut behind you its already too late :NoNo: 11 years old is still a kid,your the adult,she is the child,she needs to realise that.

You know your lucky as yours is a male...im having nightmares that oneday she'll get pregnant early. I told her what happened to me not listening to my parents... but she thinks she knows everything... I even told her that if she wont change ill give her back to my dad as he is very strict, sometimes i want to be a bad mum...you know the strict-nagging mum but i dont believe in that-i thought diplomacy would work...but seems like its not enough. Im only 30 but feels like im already at my 50's.:NoNo:

[britishdetained]

I even show her pictures of girls rape and killed to scare her (hopefully that would work) and even threaten her to stay at the jail during weekends if she wont change.
She is now grounded to all liberties she is getting (cp, voice school, malling, TV in her room, allowance) and I will speak to the school why they are allowing students to go out without the school service. I hope im not being hash to her but this is the only thing i think is good for her

[Tawi2]

Your not being harsh with her at all,some kids need the gentle approach,some need shock tactics,you know her character and which one she will respond to best,let her know you have striven and struggled to give her a decent standard of living,remind her some girls are tinderas at her age in the streets selling candies and foods to earn extra pesos to keep their families afloat,a little gratitude from her wouldnt be amiss :NoNo: and tell her your going to kick her ass :icon_lol:

[britishdetained]

and tell her your going to kick her ass :icon_lol:

:yikes:I cant...she's taller than me:doh

[KeithD]

My lads 19 and just starting puberty mood swings! :Erm:

[Dedworth]

back in 2002 a kid was walking through my village on her way home from school,six months later her skeletal remains were found in thick undergrowth in Hampshire,quite a famous case,Milly Dowler,it probably happens dozens of times a day across the world,brings incredible heartache to the family,explain these things,she thinks she is old enough to be treated as an adult,explain the harsh realities to her.:NoNo:

Coincidentally the Police questioned a fella yesterday

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article6738403.ece

It seems this vile Bellfield creature is responsible but the Police haven't the evidence. Didn't he live near Walton Railway Station ?

[Tawi2]

I know he has just been released,its big news at the moment,I dont know if he lived up by the train station however,he is gypsy stock,the houses around the station if you know the area are 500K+ properties,not saying he didnt live around there,just that most people there are commuters and inner city workers,he would have stood out like a sore thumb with a Daewoo :icon_lol: Edited to add,I just asked someone,apparently it was his girlfriend who lived in the Village,he himself lived over Hounslow way they think.

[Happy_Now]

hello Mrs britishdetained,
yap,i agree that raising teenager is not easy on this generation. I had 4 kids (23, 20, 18, 16) But i praise God, He gave me wisdom to understand my kids. Everyone of them had different attitudes, (tahimik pero nasa loob ang kulo) (mabunganga pro trabaho ng trabaho) (eldest ay disiplinado pero magaan ang kamay) (bunso, tamad pero masipag manghingi ng pera haha)... Good thing is, they respected me as their mom & God is the head of our family... Oh what a wonderful feelin when you have grown kids walkin on the streets laughin together "akbayan" havin jokes, laffin and sometimes nakikipaghabulan pa sa kanila...

What can i advice you is "make friends with them. Try to get her feeling. Give quality time on her, ask her problem, her subjects, her "crush" or boyfriend. Let her speak to you as a friend not a mom.. This days, teenager are revelious. Hard to insists what we want, but all they need is understanding, an ear to listen what is in their heart...:cwm38::cwm38::cwm38:

[britishdetained]

hello Mrs britishdetained,
yap,i agree that raising teenager is not easy on this generation. I had 4 kids (23, 20, 18, 16) But i praise God, He gave me wisdom to understand my kids. Everyone of them had different attitudes, (tahimik pero nasa loob ang kulo) (mabunganga pro trabaho ng trabaho) (eldest ay disiplinado pero magaan ang kamay) (bunso, tamad pero masipag manghingi ng pera haha)... Good thing is, they respected me as their mom & God is the head of our family... Oh what a wonderful feelin when you have grown kids walkin on the streets laughin together "akbayan" havin jokes, laffin and sometimes nakikipaghabulan pa sa kanila...

What can i advice you is "make friends with them. Try to get her feeling. Give quality time on her, ask her problem, her subjects, her "crush" or boyfriend. Let her speak to you as a friend not a mom.. This days, teenager are revelious. Hard to insists what we want, but all they need is understanding, an ear to listen what is in their heart...:cwm38::cwm38::cwm38:

thanks for the advise happy now. today i gave her the house chores:icon_lol: she is the one assigned washing all the dishes but i think she wasnt happy:doh but i tried to explain to her that she needs to stay home and help us in the kitchen but... she really got very angry and starts throwing things:Brick::Brick: wish she would understand me:bigcry::bigcry:

[Jay&Zobel]

Who in here is watching SKINS or have watched any of the episodes? It's utterly shocking :yikes::yikes::NoNo::NoNo: Drugs, Sex & Violence in teenagers.

[miss.piggy]

Throwing things?? You kidding me!!! :omg: Your daughter is trying to scare you, thinking that if she do what's she's doing now, then you would just bow to everything she wants. Be Margaret Thatcher for once! Don't let her get used to this sort of behaviour. If you need to ground her then so be it, but don't ever give up as she may just end up mocking you if you're not consistent.

I am (so far) lucky with my two chikitings. My daughter is 6 turning 18, who always asked about getting married, etc :yikes: . My son is 3, but baby-ish. That's just how far they go. If they've done something wrong, they're so quick to apologise and both me and my husband does not need to raise a tone to scare them. Nakukuha sa tingin, thank goodness! But how they'll be when they're 11 -- I don't know! :cwm24:

[britishdetained]

Throwing things?? You kidding me!!! :omg: Your daughter is trying to scare you, thinking that if she do what's she's doing now, then you would just bow to everything she wants. Be Margaret Thatcher for once! Don't let her get used to this sort of behaviour. If you need to ground her then so be it, but don't ever give up as she may just end up mocking you if you're not consistent.

I am (so far) lucky with my two chikitings. My daughter is 6 turning 18, who always asked about getting married, etc :yikes: . My son is 3, but baby-ish. That's just how far they go. If they've done something wrong, they're so quick to apologise and both me and my husband does not need to raise a tone to scare them. Nakukuha sa tingin, thank goodness! But how they'll be when they're 11 -- I don't know! :cwm24:

Yes miss piggy...so annoying as messed around the kitchen and broken a couple of plates for asking her to wash it. I really needed to break my temper but then im not like that though im trying to be a hitler:doh. Maybe tomorrow ill send her to a child psychologist as i must sort her problems before my dad comes back here. She almost made me cry:NoNo:but i know i should not...im very very disappointed:angry:

[Sophie]

Hi charlene, the most effective key really is not just to be her mom, but be her bestfriend as well....
i'm not yet a mom so i cannot give advise on a mother's point of view
but i can talk by experience, having been a teenager myself once....

I was really close to my oldest sister growing up, she's like my surrogate mom,
She pretty much guided me on what i should and should not do and what are the consequences of every action i make...
She taught me how to make the right choices in my life and never stumble on the bad ones and regret the consequences....
but she never forced anything on me, not even once....she gave me the free will to make up my mind and my own choices,
she trusted me and my judgement, knowing fully well that i took her advises at heart....
she established a trust, a bond and an open communication with me and i pretty much can open up and tell her just about anything, like a bestfriend..
and i know that no matter what, she will never judge me and that i can really trust her....
and most of all, she made me feel so loved and i felt so secure that whatever happens, she's the one i can run to and count on
and she will be the first person to pick me up if i fall and be there for me for comfort and understanding, if i fail and mess up.....

And it really worked :xxgrinning--00xx3: as i pretty much have been a good girl growing up, in a sense that i never got involved in any rebelious activities....
nor party with friends and hang out with the wrong crowd in my teen years and even in my college days....
I never had a bf until i'm working already and mature enough to handle a relationship...
And i chose to follow everything she told me, because i know it's the right thing...
not because i'm afraid of her as i was never brought up in fear, but because i know how much she loves me
and i love her so much that i cannot afford to hurt her, disappoint her and break her heart....
coz i know, whatever mistakes i make and suffer, she will suffer just as much....
and whatever i do that will hurt me, she will be hurt just as much or even more...
and i just cannot bear that thought....knowing that she only wants nothing but the best for me,
so why should i mess it up when i know better already.....

So i can say, i pretty much lived a sheltered life and always "played it safe"...which others may find boring lol, but i definitely got no regrets...as i turned out ok, lol.....
she inculcated in me all the values i carry with me until now and molded me to be who i am....
My teenage years may be too safe and less fun and exciting, but it was all for the best...:xxgrinning--00xx3:
and if i'll have a chance of a do-over, i will never do it any other way......:xxgrinning--00xx3:
And this is exactly how i'm gonna raise my kids in the future :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Being a teenager is a difficult period, it's a phase where you are trying to form and find your identity
and isn't it great to be with your daughter to witness and guide her well, in her transformation......:xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Tawi2]

Befriend her,chat to her,get on her level,my sons started looking at topless women in mags :Erm: He actually said "Look dad,these ladies have no bras on"(he stared at that page for a long,long time),I said "Mate,the time to get interested is when they have no bra OR panties in" :xxgrinning--00xx3: Kids are changing rapidly,not like our generation,my nephew is mestiso,half Thai,very good looking,last year my sis found two packs of condoms AND :omg:VIAGRA :doh in his school bag,he said he had bought the tablets when they were on holiday in Thailand and was going to sell them to his friends :Erm: Each generation has a totally different set of issues and problems on their road to adulthood :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Florge]

well, I always believe in treating the child like an adult by levelling with him/her... shouting, throwing things, widening one's eyes would work for toddlers... but since your daughter is, as you say, independent, she would appreciate it if you talk to her as a friend... that's what she needs now...

well, just my 2 cents worth... who knows, it might work! good luck!

[Sophie]

Befriend her,chat to her,get on her level
Each generation has a totally different set of issues and problems on their road to adulthood :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Very true, so its best to be flexible and keep up with the changing times and the issues your kids are dealing with and going through.....
Parenthood is not all about teaching your kids, its also about learning
you learn from your kids in thesame way you teach them...
You don't just talk and your kids should just listen, you should hear them out as well....
and i guess that makes you an even better parent.....:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[miss.piggy]

condoms AND :omg:VIAGRA :doh in his school bag,he said he had bought the tablets when they were on holiday in Thailand and was going to sell them to his friends :Erm: Each generation has a totally different set of issues and problems on their road to adulthood :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Very entrepreneural...i like that! :omg::D

[Sophie]

Very entrepreneural...i like that! :omg::D

LOL, talking about always looking at the bright side, lol :xxgrinning--00xx3::D:D:icon_lol::icon_lol:

[britishdetained]

Hi charlene, the most effective key really is not just to be her mom, but be her bestfriend as well....
i'm not yet a mom so i cannot give advise on a mother's point of view
but i can talk by experience, having been a teenager myself once....

I was really close to my oldest sister growing up, she's like my surrogate mom,
She pretty much guided me on what i should and should not do and what are the consequences of every action i make...
She taught me how to make the right choices in my life and never stumble on the bad ones and regret the consequences....
but she never forced anything on me, not even once....she gave me the free will to make up my mind and my own choices,
she trusted me and my judgement, knowing fully well that i took her advises at heart....
she established a trust, a bond and an open communication with me and i pretty much can open up and tell her just about anything, like a bestfriend..
and i know that no matter what, she will never judge me and that i can really trust her....
and most of all, she made me feel so loved and i felt so secure that whatever happens, she's the one i can run to and count on
and she will be the first person to pick me up if i fall and be there for me for comfort and understanding, if i fail and mess up.....

And it really worked :xxgrinning--00xx3: as i pretty much have been a good girl growing up, in a sense that i never got involved in any rebelious activities....
nor party with friends and hang out with the wrong crowd in my teen years and even in my college days....
I never had a bf until i'm working already and mature enough to handle a relationship...
And i chose to follow everything she told me, because i know it's the right thing...
not because i'm afraid of her as i was never brought up in fear, but because i know how much she loves me
and i love her so much that i cannot afford to hurt her, disappoint her and break her heart....
coz i know, whatever mistakes i make and suffer, she will suffer just as much....
and whatever i do that will hurt me, she will be hurt just as much or even more...
and i just cannot bear that thought....knowing that she only wants nothing but the best for me,
so why should i mess it up when i know better already.....

So i can say, i pretty much lived a sheltered life and always "played it safe"...which others may find boring lol, but i definitely got no regrets...as i turned out ok, lol.....
she inculcated in me all the values i carry with me until now and molded me to be who i am....
My teenage years may be too safe and less fun and exciting, but it was all for the best...:xxgrinning--00xx3:
and if i'll have a chance of a do-over, i will never do it any other way......:xxgrinning--00xx3:
And this is exactly how i'm gonna raise my kids in the future :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Being a teenager is a difficult period, it's a phase where you are trying to form and find your identity
and isn't it great to be with your daughter to witness and guide her well, in her transformation......:xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

Honestly...im trying to be a good mum though same with you i have a different teenage life, never been involved into trouble ans always been a good daugther to my parents until i was 18 when my mum died and had left me being the one incharged of everything coz my dad is a ship captain...only few weeks in a year have to stay home with us. Then got my self to wrong group of friends and got married at the age of 18. I grew up in fear as my dad is very strict and had adopted what he learned from PMA. I then promised myself that what ever he did to us will not be the same with my children. But because I got a child atv 19 he then took her and never been allowed to tell my own daugther that i am her real mum only late last year he let me to have my daugther back. When she arrived at my house its bit uneasy to both of us as she never been with me al her life, same as with me as I never knew what she wants and what she like. Kevin and I tried to be good parents to her and things bit working until he was arrested and always blamed the shame of all this to us. She was traumatized when she had watched Kevin on the national television labelled as am illegal recruiter and never spoken to me since that night.

Maybe part of it was my fault as I never sit with her and explained what is happening. But all the time I am trying to be her friend, giving her freedom only that I really dont agree on going out at night and going to parties which is not being not informed to me. I didnt even believe in hitting as never been in that situation with my parents. But still inspite of all these seems things are still not enough. Like today, I tried to be a friend and even oncluded her in cooking but she is less interested at all and got very angry when i asked her to do some chores:doh

I wish she would forgive me on what happened to her in the past and would understand my feelings towards going out at night. I am as well trying my hardest to understand her... I just hope her rebellious stage will be finished as I am afraid that my dad would take her away from me again:angry:

[Sophie]

Honestly...im trying to be a good mum though same with you i have a different teenage life, never been involved into trouble ans always been a good daugther to my parents until i was 18 when my mum died and had left me being the one incharged of everything coz my dad is a ship captain...only few weeks in a year have to stay home with us. Then got my self to wrong group of friends and got married at the age of 18. I grew up in fear as my dad is very strict and had adopted what he learned from PMA. I then promised myself that what ever he did to us will not be the same with my children. But because I got a child atv 19 he then took her and never been allowed to tell my own daugther that i am her real mum only late last year he let me to have my daugther back. When she arrived at my house its bit uneasy to both of us as she never been with me al her life, same as with me as I never knew what she wants and what she like. Kevin and I tried to be good parents to her and things bit working until he was arrested and always blamed the shame of all this to us. She was traumatized when she had watched Kevin on the national television labelled as am illegal recruiter and never spoken to me since that night.

Maybe part of it was my fault as I never sit with her and explained what is happening. But all the time I am trying to be her friend, giving her freedom only that I really dont agree on going out at night and going to parties which is not being not informed to me. I didnt even believe in hitting as never been in that situation with my parents. But still inspite of all these seems things are still not enough. Like today, I tried to be a friend and even oncluded her in cooking but she is less interested at all and got very angry when i asked her to do some chores:doh

I wish she would forgive me on what happened to her in the past and would understand my feelings towards going out at night. I am as well trying my hardest to understand her... I just hope her rebellious stage will be finished as I am afraid that my dad would take her away from me again:angry:

Just be more patient with her.....as you just said, you only reunited with her late last year and that's when she only found out you were actually her mother.....
and to add up what just happened to your husband and all the mess you're family is going through now,
for a teenager like her, it's too much and a lot to take in, all at once....

She probably is still coping with the fact that the truth has been hidden from her and she might be feeling betrayed...
and with what's happening now to your husband and your family as a whole, she might be feeling more troubled and lost
and she might be finding outlet and ways to deal with her pain and confusion in the way she knows - turning to her friends and peers.....
And at her age, she definitely doesn't know any better....that's where you come in...

Be as patient and understanding as you can and assure her you love her so much and you never meant to hurt her or make things difficult for her....
I know it's too much work for you now, imagine having to juggle everything - your husband's situation, the case you are fighting in court,
the small kids you have to take care of and a difficult teenage daughter you have to deal with as well...
You are a very tough woman charlene, you are going through a very difficult situation and i cannot imagine how i'll deal with all of that if i were in your place now.....
It's more like "when it rains, it pours" as they say, but i'm sure you can do it....you have to, you are strong and you can take on anything.....:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[britishdetained]

Just be more patient with her.....as you just said, you only reunited with her late last year and that's when she only found out you were actually her mother.....
and to add up what just happened to your husband and all the mess you're family is going through now,
for a teenager like her, it's too much and a lot to take in, all at once....

She probably is still coping with the fact that the truth has been hidden from her and she might be feeling betrayed...
and with what's happening now to your husband and your family as a whole, she might be feeling more troubled and lost
and she might be finding outlet and ways to deal with her pain and confusion in the way she knows - turning to her friends and peers.....
And at her age, she definitely doesn't know any better....that's where you come in...

Be as patient and understanding as you can and assure her you love her so much and you never meant to hurt her or make things difficult for her....
I know it's too much work for you now, imagine having to juggle everything - your husband's situation, the case you are fighting in court,
the small kids you have to take care of and a difficult teenage daughter you have to deal with as well...
You are a very tough woman charlene, you are going through a very difficult situation and i cannot imagine how i'll deal with all of that if i were in your place now.....
It's more like "when it rains, it pours" as they say, but i'm sure you can do it....you have to, you are strong and you can take on anything.....:xxgrinning--00xx3:


thanks alot to all of you guys...:)im lucky as i have joined this forum as without me here maybe i become crazy as noone i can speak too nor share my problems. I know this is really so difficult at all. How i wish im with Kevin to share all this but cant tell him as he will just worry again. My sister spoke to me and they plan just to bring her to Dubai for a year while everything is still unclear with Kevin and the case. Im thankful that though i dont have money...my family has been very supportive even thankful to my yayas who never left us. I think I need to talk again to coullene tomorrow after her session with a child psychologist. If she think things are really too much for her...i will allow her to stay in Dubai with my sister (anyway all my sister are not yet married and no children yet). I dont know if this would be a good idea, but i pity her as well as I know she is not used of this kind of life and having many problems with the case, etc.:NoNo:

[Sophie]

thanks alot to all of you guys...:)im lucky as i have joined this forum as without me here maybe i become crazy as noone i can speak too nor share my problems. I know this is really so difficult at all. How i wish im with Kevin to share all this but cant tell him as he will just worry again. My sister spoke to me and they plan just to bring her to Dubai for a year while everything is still unclear with Kevin and the case. Im thankful that though i dont have money...my family has been very supportive even thankful to my yayas who never left us. I think I need to talk again to coullene tomorrow after her session with a child psychologist. If she think things are really too much for her...i will allow her to stay in Dubai with my sister (anyway all my sister are not yet married and no children yet). I dont know if this would be a good idea, but i pity her as well as I know she is not used of this kind of life and having many problems with the case, etc.:NoNo:

It might actually be good for her charlene, to get out of there and be in dubai with your sister for a while...
and just have some break and be away from the mess for the meantime until everything has been settled and sorted out....
At thesame time, you can focus on the case too, the earlier you get it over with, the better for all of you....
And you are lucky for having a very supportive family.....bless them :xxgrinning--00xx3:
Don't worry, this will be all over soon and you will be with kevin and your whole family once more
and enjoying puerto galera again as you always wanted :xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Tawi2]

It might be bad for her also though,one of the biggest factors in child psychology is that a child needs stability to grow into a well adjusted individual,if they are jumping from place to place,home to home,grandpa to mum to aunty :Erm:

[britishdetained]

It might actually be good for her charlene, to get out of there and be in dubai with your sister for a while...
and just have some break and be away from the mess for the meantime until everything has been settled and sorted out....
At thesame time, you can focus on the case too, the earlier you get it over with, the better for all of you....
And you are lucky for having a very supportive family.....bless them :xxgrinning--00xx3:
Don't worry, this will be all over soon and you will be with kevin and your whole family once more
and enjoying puerto galera again as you always wanted :xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

yeah i really think this is good for her:) Im really blessed with sisters like i have and thankful that my family has been very suppportive especially to Kevin:):)

Actually i will really take Kevin back to Puerto Galera after this case as im planning to get a property their after we get our money back again:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[britishdetained]

It might be bad for her also though,one of the biggest factors in child psychology is that a child needs stability to grow into a well adjusted individual,if they are jumping from place to place,home to home,grandpa to mum to aunty :Erm:

really:Erm::Erm: but what will I do tawi2?:NoNo::bigcry::Help1:

[Tawi2]

Stick her in a nunnery :Erm: The regime might actually do her good as she sounds a little wild at the moment,breaking plates?Is she Greek?But sending her to Dubai is a bit drastic,she stays there for a year and returns to you even more distant than when she left,she needs bonding and understanding not "Bloody hell,that little b&&ch,I know what,Dubai,that'll teach her":cwm23: because thats not the way,she has been a bit adrift as a kid,she didnt even find out you were her biological mother till recently,what a shock to the system for a child,she doesnt know whether she is coming or going,her world was turned upside down,topsy-turvy :Help1: Kids need understanding,love,closeness :xxgrinning--00xx3:Wheres her dad?Her biological dad?Hasnt he got any influence with her?

[Sophie]

But sending her to Dubai is a bit drastic,she stays there for a year and returns to you even more distant than when she left,she needs bonding and understanding, Kids need understanding,love,closeness :xxgrinning--00xx3:

The current situation is not very conducive to do that....she is in the middle of the mess.....
Besides, she might also have some feeling of shame for what happened to her family - her stepdad getting imprisoned, and the case they're on now....
Some kids in school may be harsh and they have no understanding of what a falsely accused is, all they know is that her dad is imprisoned....
Best way i guess is to ask her if she wants to.....hear her out and find out what she prefers......and you take on from there....
Atleast for once, she will feel she has a choice and a say on this one - whether she stays here or go to dubai for a while....

[britishdetained]

Stick her in a nunnery :Erm: The regime might actually do her good as she sounds a little wild at the moment,breaking plates?Is she Greek?But sending her to Dubai is a bit drastic,she stays there for a year and returns to you even more distant than when she left,she needs bonding and understanding not "Bloody hell,that little b&&ch,I know what,Dubai,that'll teach her":cwm23: because thats not the way,she has been a bit adrift as a kid,she didnt even find out you were her biological mother till recently,what a shock to the system for a child,she doesnt know whether she is coming or going,her world was turned upside down,topsy-turvy :Help1: Kids need understanding,love,closeness :xxgrinning--00xx3:Wheres her dad?Her biological dad?Hasnt he got any influence with her?

Since i got pregnant with her-her dad was not allowed to go near me or he will be buried alive by my dad:D:doh Her dad is malaysian...Never heard of him 11 years now. My dad cannot accept him so she really never had an idea of him at all. My father just told her he is dead already.:cwm24: She likes Kevin actually as Kevin is like my dad spoils her, im the kuripot one and lil strict.
You know tawi2 its really difficult honestly...as im trying my hardest for her. Most of the time I blame myself as I been a good daughter but never been a good mum to her. But really im trying to be so close to her

[britishdetained]

The current situation is not very conducive to do that....she is in the middle of the mess.....
Besides, she might also have a feeling of shame for what happened to her family - her stepdad getting imprisoned, and the case they're on now....
Some kids in school may be harsh and they have no understanding of what a falsely accused is, all they know is that her dad is imprisoned....
Best way i guess is to ask her if she wants to.....hear her out and find out what she prefers......and you take on from there....
Atleast for once, she will feel she has a choice and a say on this one - whether she stays here or go t dubai for a while....

yeah correct...honestly i transfered her to other school as she was really vey ashamed of what happened:NoNo:

[britishdetained]

It might be bad for her also though,one of the biggest factors in child psychology is that a child needs stability to grow into a well adjusted individual,if they are jumping from place to place,home to home,grandpa to mum to aunty :Erm:

You know tawi2 my life is really like a book with alot hell of chapters:cwm34:

Im 30 but just started being out of my fathers control when i met Kevin. Thats why even i still adjusting being on my own now. All my life I have followed what my father want. Stayed in other country so I will not be near Coullene...luckily i was found by Kevin when im totally lost. I thought before money can buy me happiness...but it isnt, what I got from my parents are useless as never been happy and settled before I met Kevin. I even fought for him as my dad at first didnt like him. Remember I told you he is a muslim and a control freak:NoNo::NoNo:

[Sophie]

yeah correct...honestly i transfered her to other school as she was really vey ashamed of what happened:NoNo:

Just as i thought.....
she is to young to go through and deal with complicated situations like this.........
for adults, it's fine, as we can cope better and we are more emotionally equipped to take on circumstances like this.....
but for a young teenage girl, its a lot to handle....
so i guess its best to ask her what she wants....she probably wants to be away for a while.....
find out what she wants and decide from there.....

[britishdetained]

Just as i thought.....
she is to young to go through and deal with complicated situations like this.........
for adults, it's fine, as we can cope better and we are more emotionally equipped to take on circumstances like this.....
but for a young teenage girl, its a lot to handle....
so i guess its best to ask her what she wants....she probably wants to be away for a while.....
find out what she wants and decide from there.....

Ill talk to her tomorrow so ill know what she would like to happen:Erm:

[Tawi2]

Always tell kids the truth,however harsh,remember the old rhyme "What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive",her confusion will be compounded now as she believes her father is dead :Erm:her sister is her mother :Erm:Her father is her lolo :Erm:My god,MY head is spinning never mind the poor kids :cwm12::Cuckoo::ARsurrender: You should write the script for a telenovela :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Sophie]

Ill talk to her tomorrow so ill know what she would like to happen:Erm:

Just make sure she doesn't feel that you are trying to get rid of her by planning to ship her off to dubai......
Explain to her that you just wanted to spare her from an even more stress and anxiety
and the last thing you wanted is for her to go through more pain and trauma over the mess you are facing now........
And assure her that this will be over soon and you are trying your best to sort it all out
so you can all be together again, happy and back to normal as a family.....

[britishdetained]

Just make sure she doesn't feel that you are trying to get rid of her by planning to ship her off to dubai......
Explain to her that you just wanted to spare her from an even more stress and anxiety
and the last thing you wanted is for her to go through more pain and trauma over the mess you are facing now........
And assure her that this will be over soon and you are trying your best to sort it all out
so you can all be together again, happy and back to normal as a family.....

thanks sooooo much sophie:)

[maria_and_matt]

I have a 14 yr old son who didn't have a good start in life. His father and I divorced when he has 4 and he was basically living in 2 homes.

Despite the bad start he turned out to be a well balanced, gentle person. When he was younger I made it a point that he knows that he can tell me everything. Apart from being his mum I was as he says now, his best friend. I never yelled or smacked him as a child. We have arguments now but it starts and ends with a conversation not a screaming match.

What I am a little afraid of is, our closeness.

He hardly hangs out with his mates, he is always at home! I so want him to have a life outside our home. Like tonight for instance he was invited by friends to go to an Indie night in our town hall. I told him to go but he said no, that it was dangerous out there with people being stabbed and arguments breaking out in town so late at night. My point is it is not late they go home at about 11. THe only time they are out is on Fridays when they go to the cinema, and he can't wait to go back home!

What is wrong with my son??:bigcry:

[britishdetained]

I have a 14 yr old son who didn't have a good start in life. His father and I divorced when he has 4 and he was basically living in 2 homes.

Despite the bad start he turned out to be a well balanced, gentle person. When he was younger I made it a point that he knows that he can tell me everything. Apart from being his mum I was as he says now, his best friend. I never yelled or smacked him as a child. We have arguments now but it starts and ends with a conversation not a screaming match.

What I am a little afraid of is, our closeness.

He hardly hangs out with his mates, he is always at home! I so want him to have a life outside our home. Like tonight for instance he was invited by friends to go to an Indie night in our town hall. I told him to go but he said no, that it was dangerous out there with people being stabbed and arguments breaking out in town so late at night. My point is it is not late they go home at about 11. THe only time they are out is on Fridays when they go to the cinema, and he can't wait to go back home!

What is wrong with my son??:bigcry:

You are so lucky then:xxgrinning--00xx3: I wish mine will understand my reasons about being out at night and she'll find it in her heart that I love her so much and i have no other intention but to protect her

[Tawi2]

My sons totally different the little:cwm23::cwm23: He is a little bit wild,your son sounds ok,one of the quiet conservative thoughtful sort of guys,nothing wrong with that and its good he is close to you,if ever theres a problem he will always confide in his mum,thats cool,your very close :xxgrinning--00xx3:There is absolutely nothing wrong with your son,besides Indie music is terrible,he has good taste staying away from such events :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[maria_and_matt]

I want him to have a social life, I think it is my fault that he prefers it here at home. I kinda scared him about all the bad things that may happen at night :NoNo:... I wish that i have didnt overdo the bad things and i also told him about all the fun he could be having with his friends:bigcry:

[britishdetained]

I want him to have a social life, I think it is my fault that he prefers it here at home. I kinda scared him about all the bad things that may happen at night :NoNo:... I wish that i have didnt overdo the bad things and i also told him about all the fun he could be having with his friends:bigcry:

nothing to worry about him...maybe he still like being at home, my brother is the same thing he is 15 but no friends and stay at home playing with my children. you must be prud of him, maybe he would do socialisation later on.

tawi2 is right nothing wrong with him:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Tawi2]

I want him to have a social life, I think it is my fault that he prefers it here at home. I kinda scared him about all the bad things that may happen at night :NoNo:... I wish that i have didnt overdo the bad things and i also told him about all the fun he could be having with his friends:bigcry:

My nephew is mestizo,he is 16 now,he has had countless girlfriends if thats what you call a social life :Erm:He has also smoked marijuana :cwm24: Been arrested truthfully maybe 8 or 10 times :Erm: he lives in a great area,except the graffitti you normally see is his "TAG" I think your son sounds just fine,I used to be a wild kid,trust me,they are a load of heartache and pain,your boy is a home-body,absolutely nothing wrong with that,he will find his feet in his own good time,he just isnt bugoy :icon_lol: One day he will come home with a shy girl "Mum,this is karen or alison or julia or whatever her name is" thats when your worries should really begin :icon_lol: Give him time,childhood is precious,some of us didnt appreciate it,let him enjoy the innocence while it lasts :xxgrinning--00xx3: If you really want him to get out of the house find out his interests,enroll him in an evening class for something as a surprise :)

[miss.piggy]

What is wrong with my son??:bigcry:

There is nothing wrong with your son!!! :) In fact, he seems perfect! It's true that it's dangerous to stay out late...etc. Where can you get a sensible lad like that? One day, he'll find a nice pal that he would enjoy going out with (which may not exactly be at night), but he will be as outgoing as you want him to be. Some kids enjoy rock music, some prefers classical. Some likes dressing up with off the wall fashion, and some prefers to stay preppy. That's how he wants to be and if he's happy then just go along with it. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[maria_and_matt]

My nephew is mestizo,he is 16 now,he has had countless girlfriends if thats what you call a social life :Erm:He has also smoked marijuana :cwm24: Been arrested truthfully maybe 8 or 10 times :Erm: he lives in a great area,except the graffitti you normally see is his "TAG" I think your son sounds just fine,I used to be a wild kid,trust me,they are a load of heartache and pain,your boy is a home-body,absolutely nothing wrong with that,he will find his feet in his own good time,he just isnt bugoy :icon_lol: One day he will come home with a shy girl "Mum,this is karen or alison or julia or whatever her name is" thats when your worries should really begin :icon_lol: Give him time,childhood is precious,some of us didnt appreciate it,let him enjoy the innocence while it lasts :xxgrinning--00xx3: If you really want him to get out of the house find out his interests,enroll him in an evening class for something as a surprise :)

:bigcry::NoNo::NoNo: no girls he is all mine!!! mine !! and mine only:BouncyHappy:

[Tawi2]

See,if you insist on him going out at night your going to push him into the arms of another woman :icon_lol:

[maria_and_matt]

There is nothing wrong with your son!!! :) In fact, he seems perfect! It's true that it's dangerous to stay out late...etc. Where can you get a sensible lad like that? One day, he'll find a nice pal that he would enjoy going out with (which may not exactly be at night), but he will be as outgoing as you want him to be. Some kids enjoy rock music, some prefers classical. Some likes dressing up with off the wall fashion, and some prefers to stay preppy. That's how he wants to be and if he's happy then just go along with it. :xxgrinning--00xx3:


awwww, thank you guys, i was talking to my husband just now about my son, and he said that i have put him off having a social life..

and tawi2 i surprised him with kite surfin lessons for 3 days, he thoroughly enjoyed it... now we are off to buy a kite for him:)

and yes miss piggy he is sensible:) i am so proud of him, just want him to have alittle fun:)

[britishdetained]

:bigcry::NoNo::NoNo: no girls he is all mine!!! mine !! and mine only:BouncyHappy:

so then just have him stay with you while he is not yet thinking about girls:icon_lol:

[Tawi2]

Kite surfing is great,get him a powerkite,see how high he can jump,make sure he has a harness as well :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[maria_and_matt]

so then just have him stay with you while he is not yet thinking about girls:icon_lol:

:icon_lol: i dont know even at 15 yrs old i look at him as my baby still...

I hope that things are getting better your end ... be patient with your daughter i am sure that things will work out for you. muah!

[britishdetained]

:icon_lol: i dont know even at 15 yrs old i look at him as my baby still...

I hope that things are getting better your end ... be patient with your daughter i am sure that things will work out for you. muah!

yeah hope my Coullene would realise that im just protecting her...you know how dangerous the dark is:NoNo:

I hope my daugther would be like your soon too:rolleyes:

[maria_and_matt]

Kite surfing is great,get him a powerkite,see how high he can jump,make sure he has a harness as well :xxgrinning--00xx3:


just looked at kite prices... £750 to 1000.... that can be his 16th bday present:)

[Sophie]

thanks sooooo much sophie:)

you're welcome charlene and i hope everything goes well with your daughter :xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[maria_and_matt]

yeah hope my Coullene would realise that im just protecting her...you know how dangerous the dark is:NoNo:

I hope my daugther would be like your soon too:rolleyes:

have you tried giving her reasons to stay home rather than go out? i always make sure i pay attention to what he is playing on his consoles and sometimes i play with him. or we go out to rent movies a lot and we just sit in the the settee and watch a movie with a bowl of popcorn. we cuddled up and had a good cry watching marley and me.:icon_lol:

[Sophie]

I have a 14 yr old son who didn't have a good start in life. His father and I divorced when he has 4 and he was basically living in 2 homes.

Despite the bad start he turned out to be a well balanced, gentle person. When he was younger I made it a point that he knows that he can tell me everything. Apart from being his mum I was as he says now, his best friend. I never yelled or smacked him as a child. We have arguments now but it starts and ends with a conversation not a screaming match.

What I am a little afraid of is, our closeness.

He hardly hangs out with his mates, he is always at home! I so want him to have a life outside our home. Like tonight for instance he was invited by friends to go to an Indie night in our town hall. I told him to go but he said no, that it was dangerous out there with people being stabbed and arguments breaking out in town so late at night. My point is it is not late they go home at about 11. THe only time they are out is on Fridays when they go to the cinema, and he can't wait to go back home!

What is wrong with my son??:bigcry:

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with your son, on the contrary, he is perfectly alright......:xxgrinning--00xx3:
And that says a lot about you and how you raised him well....his being a good boy is just a reflection of how good you are as a mom.....:xxgrinning--00xx3:
And it was good that he is careful and always think before he does.....i think you did a good job :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[maria_and_matt]

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with your son, on the contrary, he is perfectly alright......:xxgrinning--00xx3:
And that says a lot about you and how you raised him well....his being a good boy is just a reflection of how good you are as a mom.....:xxgrinning--00xx3:
And it was good that he is careful and always think before he does.....i think you did a good job :xxgrinning--00xx3:


awww sophie u made me cry:bigcry::bigcry: thank you, thank you thank you!

[Sophie]

I want him to have a social life, I think it is my fault that he prefers it here at home. I kinda scared him about all the bad things that may happen at night :NoNo:... I wish that i have didnt overdo the bad things and i also told him about all the fun he could be having with his friends:bigcry:

I suppose you are worried you probably sheltered him too much, but it's for the best, i'm sure he will be fine....:xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Sophie]

One day he will come home with a shy girl "Mum,this is karen or alison or julia or whatever her name is" thats when your worries should really begin :icon_lol:

Hmmmm.......are those your ex's names???:Erm::Erm: LOL :D:D:icon_lol::icon_lol:

[Sophie]

awww sophie u made me cry:bigcry::bigcry: thank you, thank you thank you!

:xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Tawi2]

Hmmmm.......are those your ex's names???:Erm::Erm: LOL :D:D:icon_lol::icon_lol:

I dont have any ex's Soph,only pasts presents and futures :icon_lol:

[Sophie]

I dont have any ex's Soph,only pasts presents and futures :icon_lol:

LOL, all plural huh :Erm: lol :D:D:D:D you go by batch, lol :D:D:D:D

[Tawi2]

2 for the price of one or cheaper by the dozen :icon_lol:(my god,I have been influenced by Trader Dave:cwm24:).

[Sophie]

2 for the price of one or cheaper by the dozen :icon_lol:(my god,I have been influenced by Trader Dave:cwm24:).

Hmmmmm......looks like he did, lol :Erm::icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol: