My heart sank when this happened...

[John.C]

I met a filipino woman a couple of months ago when I was visiting her place of work. We both decided we would like to become friends and have met up regularly. I guess the insistance on "just being friends" has come from me, possibly because I am trying to stop myself falling in love with a lovely young woman who has left her children at home to come to work in the uk - a situation that I simply cannot comprehend (not yet anyway) - and that is why I will not "judge" any woman who does this because I am more than willing to accept that I simply don't understand
Her job is not well paid and it would seem that what little spare cash there is sent home to her children.
What happened is this. A couple of days ago she asked to borrow money from me until her next wage was paid.
I am not sure how to react - people have been telling me all my life that I only ever see good in people, and this is again the case here. I am trying soooo hard to understand the situation here. If you have the guts to travel halfway round the world - alone - to try to somehow improve things for your family, then I guess you are not going to be shy in asking someone for help?
Or am I a fool? Please tell me the good news and the bad news. Frankly, I badly need to talk to someone about this but don't know who, and as a noob to the forum, I suspect that I do not have the right to message anyone.

[triple5]

Hi John, welcome to the forum. Has she said what the money is for? Whens her next wage due? If its at the end of the month it sounds like she's going to struggle every month. If she's on a low paid income she may well be skint. Maybe she wasn't prepared for how expensive things are here. It's not unusual for a filipina to work abroad and send money back home. something like 10% the population work abroad, mostly to support their family.

If you do fall in love you have to consider your long terms plans together, but there's people on this forum, I think :Erm:, who are having successful relationships where theres kids back home in phils.

[Steve.r]

John,

It is so difficult to know if this is a case of you being seen as a soft target and scammed, or whether this girl genuinely needs the cash. Every situation is different, but it seems that this can happen a lot.

I can only judge from my own experience. My girlfriend is in a similar position. She has 2 young boys back in Phils, she now works and is living in Singapore. Over the last seven months I have known her, she has never asked me for a penny. She works several jobs, long hours and goes to school to try to improve herself. If this is not a case for asking for help, I don't know what is, but....she has never asked. She will be earning less in Singapore than in the Uk.
I have given her a few gifts of course, but I have always thought that I do so because I love her, and I can afford to. If you can afford to help her, and not expect anything in return, then help the girl. Give her a gift. BUT.....be warned, scammers will scam, and not just people from abroad, but closer to home too.

hth :)

[pumpkins]

hi john welcome here:)
from my own advice, test her..
if she borrowed money from you and did'nt pay it back:NoNo: then you got the message..
and i think you could feel if she is genuine. just make your own observation about her.
dont be the one of the list of people being scammed..its terrible:NoNo:

[John.C]

If you can afford to help her, and not expect anything in return, then help the girl. Give her a gift.

Steve - thank you so much. Your post, especially this comment, has helped to clear my head a little, because this is what my instincts are telling me. The money is for sending home - of that I am 100% certain. I am a soft touch (but not a fool) - no question, but this girl seems to want nothing for herself - what a contrast with some British women I have met in my life. Thank you to all who are leaving their thoughts.

[South-east boy]

As mentioned, I think a lot of Filipinos don't realise that it is not as easy living here as they think. Yes, most will get paid a lot more here than back home, but then living costs are a lot higher and if you don't earn a great wage and you have to send money back, then it really will be tough. I read about a Male nurse over here -he earns about £22k or so, lives in London, yet still sends enough money back to his wife and 2 children that is enough for them to live in a lovely detached house and private education for his 2 young children-how he gets by himself, i don't know.

If I was you, I would give her the money or a little less depending on how much she has asked for and then see what happens. If she pays it back straight away or gradually then great. If she doesn't pay it back, but doesn't ask for more, then not so bad if you are getting close, but if she doesn't pay any back and asks for more still, then I don't think that's a great sign. I would hate someone to ask me if I didn't have it (but obviously it all depends on how much it is and how much you can afford), but hate even more having to ask for it back, as I've had that before (not with a girl) and it's very awkward and embarassing.

[joebloggs]

after paying for xmas and the new year many people are short of money, and if like most you got paid a week b4 xmas and you're next pay cheque is not til the end of jan you will be short :bigcry:, especially if you've got kids, so she is probably not lying about needing a loan, and maybe she has no one else who can help or no credit card she can use.

other posters are right, people don't realise how much it cost to live in the uk, and many Filipinos will not be earning much more than the minimum wage :bigcry:, and will the £ dropping in the last couple of years , and now being only worth 74php, that means she will have to send more £'s in remits back home :bigcry:

not many people will scam you face to face, not when you've meet her regularly for months, and I'm sure its not easy for her to ask you, but its always a possibility.

anyway can you afford to give her the money ? can you afford to lose the money ?

and for those who have wifes and g/f's who have not asked you for money to send back to the phils, or not needed to then your the lucky ones :rolleyes: not everyone is in the same situation as them :NoNo:

[joebloggs]

I read about a Male nurse over here -he earns about £22k or so, lives in London, yet still sends enough money back to his wife and 2 children that is enough for them to live in a lovely detached house and private education for his 2 young children-how he gets by himself, i don't know..

he's probably doing all the over time he can get, living on a minimum, not spending anything on himself, he'll probably burn him self out :cwm24:, but that's the sacrifice many Filipinos do for their families, most people will do more for their family than for themselves.. my misses is the same , she will not spend much on herself but would give what she can to her family back in the phils.

cheeswiz was the same working 60hrs+ a wk and sending a lot of her wage back to the phils :NoNo:

[English Rose]

In my experience, "borrow" is a Filipino's way of asking you to give them money. It is not a loan. Don't give the money if you are expecting it back.
I've just returned from the Philippines visiting my friend who I met in the UK two years ago. Their culture surrounding money is very different from ours. If you are able to send me a message, I'll give you more details.

[IainBusby]

I met a filipino woman a couple of months ago when I was visiting her place of work. We both decided we would like to become friends and have met up regularly. I guess the insistance on "just being friends" has come from me, possibly because I am trying to stop myself falling in love with a lovely young woman who has left her children at home to come to work in the uk - a situation that I simply cannot comprehend (not yet anyway) - and that is why I will not "judge" any woman who does this because I am more than willing to accept that I simply don't understand
Her job is not well paid and it would seem that what little spare cash there is sent home to her children.
What happened is this. A couple of days ago she asked to borrow money from me until her next wage was paid.
I am not sure how to react - people have been telling me all my life that I only ever see good in people, and this is again the case here. I am trying soooo hard to understand the situation here. If you have the guts to travel halfway round the world - alone - to try to somehow improve things for your family, then I guess you are not going to be shy in asking someone for help?
Or am I a fool? Please tell me the good news and the bad news. Frankly, I badly need to talk to someone about this but don't know who, and as a noob to the forum, I suspect that I do not have the right to message anyone.

1. How much money are we talking about here.

2. Can you afford to lose that much money if she doesn't pay you back.

If you decide to do this, you should make sure that you let her know that you would only lend money to someone in very extreme circumstances and in no way would it ever become a regular thing.

Many OFW's (Overseas Filipino Workers) want to send as much home each month as they possibly can and quite often they send far too much on a monthly basis and don't make allowances either for their own needs or for real emergencies back home.

Many OFW's are under great pressure financially from the families back home because there is a belief over there that, although in many cases they are sending home what are substantial amounts of money in the Philippines, the streets are paved with gold and there are money trees everywhere here in the UK.


not many people will scam you face to face, not when you've meet her regularly for months

I agree with Joe on this point.

[TomThumb]

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

It might seem glib to quote this, but it has a lot of truth in it. Imagine you lent her the money and then a medical emergency happened to one of her family. Would she pay you back before sorting out the emergency? I'm sure you wouldn't want her to, but imagine that she told you that she wasn't paying you back because of an emergency. Wouldn't part of you have doubts about whether she was telling the truth or not? There are many different scenarios in which a loan between friends can cause damage to the friendship.

I feel a gift of money is a little better if you can afford it. If you can't afford to make a gift, then I think you probably can't afford to make a loan either. A gift can also do damage to a friendship in many ways though. It might make you wonder about her motives for being your friend. It might change the expectations she has of the relationship. It might make you feel that she 'owes' you more (in non-money terms) than she feels she owes you. If you get involved in a relationship with her, you might wonder if she is doing it through gratitude. You see what I mean? It is a minefield.

Having said all that, I don't think she was a bad person for asking, and I don't think that you should necessarily refuse to give her the money. Did she seem reluctant or ashamed to ask? Could you use this as an opportunity to find out more about her and deepen the friendship? I don't mean that you should just fire a sequence of questions at her :) Be sensitive. Ask if she minds you asking. Perhaps you could open up a bit about the uncertainties (that you seem to me to have) about where you want the friendship to go. Tell her your concerns about the money. Ask her what the money she sends home is used for. Try to gauge whether she was embarrassed to ask you for the money.

I suppose I'm saying that a lot of your uncertainties are because you lack knowledge and understanding of her. You should try to get the understanding before you give her any money, and make sure that she understands your feelings and intentions about it too. In fact understanding each other would be good if you decide not to give her the money too.

[somebody]

Many Phills in Phil and UK think we get a Christmas Bonsus like many do in Phill from what I understand..

Others will know more about the amounts etc. But Basically Christmas Bonsus is often a months wages or so im told!!!

This is why I belive at Christmas Phills realtively spend so much at Christmas even though the Lady is in the Uk the increase will be expected as Iain mentions many OFWs are maxed out sending normally.

FOr example at Christmas the Wife has to save in advance and I chuck in a bit extra and by no means do we go overboard.

[John.C]

All the posts are helping me - thanks.
English Rose - sadly I don't seem to have messaging yet.
IainBusby - I can't bring myself to say how much but not a big sum. I can afford it.
TomThumb - Gee - a lot of wisdom there in one post. I have done it. It made it a gift, not a loan. We will see where we go from here. My instincts now are to tell her exactly how I feel about her request and that I am now wary. If it turns sour and the friendship ends I will still not regret it because I am sure that the money is going where it is needed. I can live with someone briefly taking advantage of me if that is/was the case here.

[IainBusby]

All the posts are helping me - thanks.
English Rose - sadly I don't seem to have messaging yet.
IainBusby - I can't bring myself to say how much but not a big sum. I can afford it.
TomThumb - Gee - a lot of wisdom there in one post. I have done it. It made it a gift, not a loan. We will see where we go from here. My instincts now are to tell her exactly how I feel about her request and that I am now wary. If it turns sour and the friendship ends I will still not regret it because I am sure that the money is going where it is needed. I can live with someone briefly taking advantage of me if that is/was the case here.

It would be better not to use words such as wary, just let her know in no uncertain terms that you are definately not in the habit of doing this sort of thing.

[South-east boy]

It would be better not to use words such as wary, just let her know in no uncertain terms that you are definately not in the habit of doing this sort of thing.

I agree with this. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[English Rose]

It would be better not to use words such as wary, just let her know in no uncertain terms that you are definately not in the habit of doing this sort of thing.

I agree, you have to set your boundaries pretty early on and stick to it. Filipinos are such charming, gentle people you find yourself handing out the cash before you've realised it.

[aposhark]

Hi John.C

I have to answer this frankly and bluntly.

I would make excuses and not lend her the money.

I have done this many times to many people (not to a Filipina though) and never get the money back. I would never hesitate with a member of my family though.

It puts you in a very difficult position and that is not fair.

I think it was wrong for her to ask you to do this.

Your "heart sank". There is your answer.....

[Arthur Little]

There's no harm, I suppose, in lending the woman a small amount to "tide her over" until next pay day... if, as you say, you can afford it! But MY fear is that this might be just the start, and the requests would continue. And you certainly don't want to run the risk of ending up in 'Queer Street' yourself, as a possible consequence. :NoNo:

[beppe]

My wife loaned money from our joint bank account to a Filipinos friend and she still waiting to hear from.
In you situation, I would give some money, what you feel comfortable, and if you don't hear from her again, at least you helped someone in needs.