The 2010 Joke thread

[fred]

:icon_lol:

[fred]

I was lying naked on the bed yesterday when my son walked in.
"Daddy", he said, "what's that huge, fleshy thing between your legs"?

"Oh, that?" I replied... "That, son, is your mother."

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-07/41061.jpg

[fred]

A young man gets washed up onto a deserted beach along with a pig and dog having survived a ship wreck.
Several weeks pass and the guy starts to get the urge for sex.
He takes a look at the dog and says "dog l coming for you get ready" but before he could get close the dog shows its fangs and attacks giving the guy a good bruising and a few nips
"bugger that" thought the guy where's that pig.
Finding the pig peacefully unaware eating grass he drops his trousers and makes his move.
But just as he about to enter the pig ,the dog appears and again attacks the guy.
Over the following weeks each attempt to shag the pig is stopped with the appearance of the dog.
Fed up the guy decides to go for a stroll along the beach when suddenly he spots washed up on the beach and covered in seaweed a beautifil blonde girl. Blue eye, long silky legs and breasts to die for he quickly gives her mouth to mouth.
She comes round, coughs ,spits out sea water for her mouth and looks up at her saviour and says " you saved my life how can l ever repay you "
You can do me a great favour
Could you take a dog for a walk.

[fred]

A young couple got married and ended up at the hotel for their honeymoon.
The hotel manager noticed the the bridegroom was fishing down at the hotel lake.
Walking over to him he asks " Excuse me sir but didnt you get married today"
" Yes l did " says the groom
" Well sir , says the manager, Shouldn't you be up with your bride in the bedroom having mad passionate sex "
"Oh no l couldn't do that" the groom replies
"Why not" quizzes the manager
"Well my wife has terrible VD , so l'm here enjoying my fishing".
"Oh l am sorry to hear that, what about if you allow your wife to give you oral instead " says the manager.
" Can't do that either ,you see she has these mouth ulcers but dont worry if its ok and if you really dont mind l would like stay here and fish".
"Sure" says the manager "you stay here, but hang on l have another answer for you. What about a a hand job that would do".
" Nope you see on the palms of her hands she has these blisters and boy do the bleed, but dont you worry about me l would like to continue to fish if thats still ok".
"Yes" says the manager " But before l go can l ask why with all these problems that your wife has did you marry her"
Easy says the groom, my wife also has worms and l do enjoy my fishing.

[fred]

tale, from the Yorkshire Mining Village of Rossington.

Now our Rodger 'ad niver 'ad a bird, so 'is mate ****** Thompson said,
" Has tha tried t'internet Rodge ?"
" Wot d'ost tha' mean, ****** ?" replied Rodger.
" Well tha go's on't computer and goggle fer a dating agency."
" I think tha' means google ******, ah've 'erd a that, but ah've no idea what
it is. "
" It's a search engine, but fer finding things, not pulling things."
" But I want to pull a bird, ******." said Rodge, pissing ' iself wi'
laughter.
" Very humus that one Rodge, in other words, *****. I'll tell you what, I'll
go on't internet tonight and see if I can find thee a local tart, that's
desperate. "
" OK " said Rodge. " I'll see you in't **** & Knackers fer a pint tomorrow
and tha can tell us if tha's found 'owt."
The next evening Rodger was standing at the bar of the T & K, having his
usual pint of ' Old Witch's ****' when ****** rushed in, all exited.
" Hey up Rodge, tha's copped lucky. Ah've found a lass who lives at top end
a Tooerth, and ah've printed out her name and address for thee. "
He handed Rodger a beer-mat, with the info written on it -

Anne Stitzar
2 Firkin Close
Tooerth Highs

Rodger decided to waste no time, so he went straight t' bogs to look up her
phone number in't directory.
Luckily the lads 'ad only ripped out up to the L's, as **** wipes, so he
was able to find her number.
To cut a long story short, oh *******s, why should I, Rodge arranged to go
to her house to be vetted by her Mam and Dad 'afore he could take her out
and shag 'er.
Before he went, he decided to 'ave a few more pints and a couple of't
landlady's badger baguettes, so he was a bit druffen and pogged, by 't time
he got there.
He found the house and rang the bell. Nowt happened, so he rang it again
'afore he realised it weren't a bell, but a big lump of bird ****. So he
licked his finger and knocked on the door.
It swung open almost immediately and Rodger stood petrified.
Confronting him was an awesome figure.
About six foot eight tall, shaved head, red beard and tattoos everywhere
that wasn't covered by a Castleford Rugby shirt.
" You must be Rodger," growled Anne's Mam.
" Yes" muttered Rodge, realising escape was now out of the question.
" Come in lad." and with that Rodger followed her into the best room. Well
it was the only room really, as Rodger could smell that they kept animals in
the kitchen.
Mr Stitzar was half the size of his wife and totally ignored Rodger, but he
didn't mind, 'cos over at a big piano sat this absolute cracker of a bird.
Rodger thought that if it were marks out of ten for Anne, he'd give 'er
sixty nine.
" Here lad, 'ave a slice of Hedgehog pasty, it's fresh, got run o'er this
morning, it did. " said Mrs Stitzar, whilst picking 'er nose wi' a cricket
stump.
Well Rodger took one bite and what with the beer and baguette, he could feel
a massive build up of wind rumbling around in 'is guts.
" Christ," thought Rodge, " I'll never hold this one in."
He jumped up shouting, " Right I'll play the piano."
Mr Stitzar sprang to life.
" What's tha goner play lad ?" he asked.
Now Rodge hadn't played the piano since he were chucked out o' Sunday
school,but he thought to himself that if he bashed the keys rather loudly,
he might just get away with breaking wind.
" The Thunder and Lightning Polka, " he said, and started bashing at the
keys.
Almost immediately the first fart arrived. He gently raised up one cheek and
eased it out. Utter bliss.
He then stood up, to go back over to the couch, when he felt another one
coming.
" I'm going to play again," said Rodger.
" What's it to be this time ? " asked Mr Stitzar looking a bit perplexed.
" The Thunder and Lightning Polka." said Rodger, immediately bashing the
keys in gay abandon and farting away merrily.
Now the crashing of the keys may have hidden the noise, but Rodger's
interesting mix of food and drink , was creating a somewhat toxic aroma.
Rodger felt his innards were now subsiding, so he stood up to leave the
piano, but almost instantly he felt rumbling in his nether regions.
" I'm going to play again' " shouted Rodger.
" Bloody 'ell," said Mr Stitzar, " What's it ter be this time ? "
"The Thunder and Lightning Polka," said Rodge.
" Well, before you start, Lad " said Mr Stitzar.
" Yes, sir," said Rodger.
" Can you leave that bit out, where the lightning strikes the ****-house! "

[fred]

The Irish Piper
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around,
still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[aromulus]

This is Fred's joke thread.

Please only post appreciation comments.:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[nigel]

For 2010 I have a motto!

"There is nothing the motto with me, what's the motto with you?" :cwm12:

[fred]

Nigel... I submitted one of your jokes in 2009 to a well known joke thread on a serious share/ stock trader site..
Simon Caulkwell(infamous bear trader) runs the thread and awards one thousand pound for the best joke at the end of the year..
Can you guess which one it was??

Thank you Nigel !!!!!!..
Keep em coming this year too.

[LEAHnew]

I prefer viewing funny pics than reading english joke...so slow eh:doh:D:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:
Happy New Year Fred...that's a good laugh:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

http://i50.tinypic.com/23jl7j8.jpg

[fred]

According to BBC News, the father of the Nigerian who attempted to blow up the Delta airliner whilst approaching Detroit had emailed US authorities to warn them about his son's extreme anti American views. This man happened to be a very wealthy banker.

You can imagine the email arriving at the US Government's offices:

Good afternoon, I am a wealthy Nigerian banker....

[fred]

This board is getting far too serious....

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh ****. It's started."

[fred]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the **** do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fu**ing have 1 at home!!!

[fred]

A 14 year old boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned.

"Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says,

"I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."

"Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My **** is killing me.

[fred]

snow.

The only time four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.

[fred]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"

[fred]

Another one for our Leah..

http://www.bollox.net/images/286.jpg

[fred]

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"

Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight
now."

[Northerner]

Awesome jokes... :D

[fred]

http://img710.imageshack.us/img710/5458/xmasov.jpg

true!

[fred]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

[fred]

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): 'Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

[fred]

http://www.flateric.net/downloads/americanenglish3.jpg

[fred]

http://www.flateric.net/downloads/americanenglish8.jpg

[fred]

http://www.flateric.net/downloads/americanenglish11.jpg

[fred]

http://www.flateric.net/downloads/image009.jpg

[fred]

Ahhhh...The good ole days!!

http://www.flateric.net/downloads/husband3.jpg

[fred]

http://www.flateric.net/downloads/boobjoberror700.jpg

[fred]

http://www.flateric.net/downloads/1.jpg

[fred]

Folkstone or bust!!


http://www.flateric.net/downloads/African_expats_600.jpg

[fred]

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists.


The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.


When properly installed, it will allow the one implanted, to speak to God



It comes in various sizes:

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-09/4838-cid_0AC38D84C856469D9F47722ED92C1044-ChezzaLaptop.jpg (http://hotchyx.com/)






The exact size of the implant
will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician.



The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and
nausea, are temporary.


Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.



Please enjoy the security we provide for you.


Best regards



SAS

Special Air Service

[fred]

http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/3641/att1i.jpg

[fred]

Should UK Adopt The Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians, Pikeys and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99% said no, they were quite happy with the Giro.

[fred]

I think its a bit early for the HAITI jokes.
We should at least wait until the dust settles.

[fred]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a baby fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, love,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Granddad. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge

[triple5]

Folkstone or bust!!


http://www.flateric.net/downloads/African_expats_600.jpg

They'll never get into the UK like that, too many health & safety violations :D

[Arthur Little]

http://www.flateric.net/downloads/1.jpg

Hmm ... coincidence or WHAT?! Forgive me for being just a tad :Erm: ... cynical ...?

[Doc Alan]

I think its a bit early for the HAITI jokes.
We should at least wait until the dust settles.

You started them Fred:). That joke's "doing the rounds" in the bars of my hometown, where there are a good many "after shocks":)

[Doc Alan]

Hmm ... coincidence or WHAT?! Forgive me for being just a tad :Erm: ... cynical ...?

Arthur you're correct (as usual!). It's obvious he's a scammer.:yikes:I'm sorry for the "poor" girl :omg:

[fred]

Q. What have a dwarf and midget got in common?








A. Very little!

[fred]

http://i50.tinypic.com/118hbpw.jpg

[fred]

There are only 10 types of people in the world —


those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[September]

http://i50.tinypic.com/118hbpw.jpg

That was the WAG and rat Ashley at the back:icon_lol:

[fred]

An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home.

The man turns to the woman and says,"I bet you can't tell how old I am."

"Okay," she says,

She then unzips his fly, feels around for a while and finally says, "You're 83."

"That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did you know that?" he asks.

"You told me yesterday." She replies.

[September]

ohhh Fred, you might dont know what is the front page on the newspaper in the UK, foot balllers being rat

[fred]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

[fred]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

[fred]

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,


slim,


tall,


38D breast,


24" waist and


34" hips.


When she walks into a room, people say, "My God!"

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-10/67451.jpg

[fred]

A guy goes round his girlfriends parents house for the first time for a meal.
All the food is placed on the table and they are starting to serve.
The guy asks, "Can I have another potato please?"
The Mother replies, "Of course, no need to be polite."
The guy says, "Alright then, give me a potato you silly bitch."

[fred]

Get the popcorn out and watch this..

jEjUAnPc2VA

[fred]

"The Americans have asked if they can use the queen on their new $25 note..

We said o.k. as long as we can put their president back on our jam jars".

[fred]

a man walks up to tonto and asks if he can borrow $5
tonto replies..you will have to see the loan arranger

[fred]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip
upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," Murphy says, and he runs upstairs and there
are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on
their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to
s h a g ya both." "**** off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs,
"Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[fred]

The car in front is a Toyota. Just hope the one behind isn't.

[fred]

What do you get when you turn 10 blondes upside down?

At least 7 brunettes.

[fred]

How do you get an eighty year old granny to shout "c*nt" ?





Get another one to shout "bingo".

[sars_notd_virus]

:icon_lol::icon_lol: i had a good laff:icon_lol:
tnx fred

[fred]

Delroy : Why do my eyes always sting when I make love to a white woman.?

Erasmus : Must be the pepper spray.

[fred]

Just driving my new Toyota Prius.
Chat later,can't stop.

[fred]

Went to the doctors today, he told me i was paranoid,
well he didn't actually say that,
but that's what the ******* was thinking..

[fred]

After having sex with an Essex girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a broken condom hanging off your knob!
Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started...

[fred]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward,
eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is
smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the
happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and
yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the thermometer out of his ****!'

[fred]

Selective hearing

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

[fred]

Toyota have announced that they will be taking part in Formula 1 this year after all.


They reckon they'll be unstoppable.

[fred]

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway:

Gentlemen,
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan



Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann



Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Patrick Finnegan

[fred]

I don't understand it. I booked the best table on Valentine's Day for the wife and she turns round and hits me with a snooker cue.

[fred]

http://i48.tinypic.com/dom29y.jpg

[fred]

Two Arabs and a British soldier board a plane out of Heathrow, the Arabs are seated by the window and the middle seat and the soldier has the aisle seat.
They all relax and settle down for the flight, the Arabs start reading and the soldier kicks of his shoes and starts to have a snooze.
After an hour the Arab by the window asks if he can get out as he wants a coke, the soldier says as he is by the aisle , he will get it for him.
While he is gone the Arab spits in his shoe, the soldier gives him his coke.
A little while later the other Arab asks for a drink and the soldier once again offers to go and get it for him. The Arab spits in the other shoe.
On his return the soldier gives the Arab his coke.
As the plane was landing the soldier slipped on his shoes and immediately knew what had happened, he turned and said to the Arabs.
"Why does it have to be this way, the fighting between our nations, the animosity, the hatred, the spitting in the shoes and the pissing in the coke?".

[fred]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My
eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I
can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit
down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and
give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred
and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his
eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with
his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and
squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have
perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

[fred]

Paddy and Mick drove toLondon to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

[fred]

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

[fred]

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

[fred]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......



Dave..........


·

Dave .............






Dave........



Dave........


..........you're a vet.

[fred]

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/177/talibanp.png

[fred]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

[laurel]

Once again Fred....priceless !some great ones there

[fred]

Thanks Laurel..I aim to please!!

[fred]

-8Yf5B6GbYk&feature=related

[fred]

What does a Glasgow girl use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

[fred]

What's the most confusing day in Glasgow?
Fathers Day.

[fred]

What do you call a Glasgow girl in a white track suit?
The bride.

[fred]

Airport Customs are holding a muslim man who was caught trying to
smuggle a joint of meat hidden in his anus, they suspect he is a
member of Hamass.

[fred]

did you hear about the boy who opened his Christmas present only to find torn up cardboard ?

He says to his Daddy "whats this" ?

His Daddy says "It's an Ex-Box"

[fred]

CAN YOU SPARE £2

Rashid lives in a small village miles from any where with his elderly crippled father and mother.

He is also disabled, he has a club foot a deformed hand and is blind in one eye.

Every morning he has to cycle 5 miles to fetch water for the family,on a rusty bike with no seat or brakes and a flat tyre.

Please send £2















And i will send you the video IT's F****ng hilarious.

[fred]

Two girls are in the gym. "I'm thinking of taking steroids" said one.
"I knew a girl who grew a penis just by taking steroids" said her mate.
"Anabolic"?
"No, just a penis".

[fred]

Man went to the doctor and said, "Doc every time I masturbate I find myself singing 'Blue is the colour, Chelsea is our name'"

Doctor said, "It's nothing to worry about a lot of w*nkers sing that"

[fred]

"I received a note on the windscreen of my parked car at the shopping centre yesterday.
It said parking fine.
So that was a nice compliment !"
(T. Cooper)

[fred]

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied, "I know, I've been ill"
(T. Cooper)

[fred]

A Pakastani goes into the chemist to buy aspirin tablets the Pharmicist gives it to him and says thats 80p Mr Singe, he leaves the shop but the pharmicist notices hes given him arsenic instead of aspirin , he runs out and shouts Mr Singe come back I've served you arsenic instead of aspirin, Singe says whats the difference he says,,,



,


,


50p you black cnut..

[fred]

What do you call a pakistani between two houses

ALI

[fred]

What's the difference between a Scouse boy and a Scouse girl?
A Scouse girl has a higher sperm count.

[fred]

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-14/4432-cid_000401caca9e-775f0580-a201a8c0-medion7042bb44.jpg

[fred]

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail,
altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing..

The pilot speaks over the intercom.

'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks,
but unfortunately we're gonna have to
jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.

Again the pilot gets on the intercom.

'I hate to have to do this, but now we're
gonna have to start off-loading passengers.

The only fair way to do it is alphabetically,
so we'll start with the letter 'A'.

'Africans, any Africans on board?'

No one answers

'Ok then, 'B'.

Black people, any black people?'

Again, silence.

'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother.

'But Mom, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'

'Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.

Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.'

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-14/52141.jpg

[fred]

http://i43.tinypic.com/mbtild.jpg

[fred]

A woman buys a wall mirror from A Mart, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' She said no 'but I'd suck your **** for a lawn mower'.

[fred]

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-16/3391.jpg

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-16/8673image1001.JPG

[fred]

Did you know that married men live longer than bachelors?


They don't actually...it just seems like it.

[fred]

Went to my girlfriend's funeral yesterday .

It was the first time I'd met her parents .

What a pair of miserable *******s .

[fred]

Some bloke at the bus stop earlier hit me on the leg
with a stick for no reason .

Naturally I retaliated and beat the living **** out of him .


Just for good measure , I kicked his Labrador as well .

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-16/4524-cid_000c01cae06d-d891a080-a201a8c0-medion7042bb44.gif

[fred]

The Pope has said there is no room for paedophiles in the Catholic Church...



All the vacancies have been filled.

[fred]

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cyber sex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 12 stone pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from C & A. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

[fred]

I got mugged last night when four big buggers kicked the ***** out of me. Against the odds I managed to knock one out..... Probably not the best time to masturbate, but it could have been my last.

[fred]

1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?" (Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?" Attendee: "I am from Wales."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."

[fred]

4063

[fred]

i was seeing a girl on the side called clare-lee..all was well until my wife lorraine found out and left me.

so now i can see clare-lee now that lorraine as gone!.

[fred]

Two English tourists in Wales passed through the town of Llandoveryllanymddyfri.

They stop for something to eat and say to the waitress, "before we
order, please will you tell us exactly where we are....VERY SLOWLY."



The waitress said, "BUURRR -- GUURRR --KING".

[fred]

There was a time when it was the ambition of some young boys to enter the priesthood.

Now it seems it's the other way round.

[fred]

What's long and hard and makes a woman moan-

An ironing board.

[fred]

So I put up my England Flag in the garden today .
In readiness for the World Cuphttp://images.intellitxt.com/ast/adTypes/mag-glass_10x10.gif (http://www.advfn.com/cmn/fbb/thread.php3?id=21464659&from=1322#) .

But I didn't know if that would upset the local Asians .

So I wrote "Allah is a c*nt" on it .

Just to make sure .

[fred]

4064

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
4065
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

4066

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

4067

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said,

4068

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

4069

'F*******k, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

[fred]

4070

[fred]

I just had a policeman at the door. He said "It looks like your wife's been in an accident"


I said "Yeah, I know, but she has a lovely personality"

[fred]

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said yes but what would I get in return? She said I could play with her breasts....... I thought that's fair..... tit for tat!

[fred]

Ordered a chinese last night, the chink turned up at my door and said £20 prease, I smiled and said "Can you tell me the name of Jordan's blind son?" He said " halfey price" I replied "cheers mate here's a tenner now **** off"

[fred]

TIP OF THE DAY.----------------Don't shag a Dwarf with Down syndrome.
It aint big and it aint clever.?

[fred]

A Chinese husband sues for divorce.
Judge: What's the reason?
Husband: Me no come, she no come, baby come, how come???

[fred]

4071

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-20/9955bear.jpg

[fred]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your brother won't let me in without a tie!!!!!!http://s646.photobucket.com/albums/uu182/artov/Fun/?action=view&current=homo.jpg

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-20/6791EyeTest.jpg

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-20/3016pic08884.jpg

[fred]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

[fred]

Movie Test
Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what
movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely
predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you
scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...


1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story


It is really amazing, isn't it?

[fred]

A man walks into a shop and says "i'd like to buy a wasp please" the man behind the counter says "we dont sell wasps". So the guy says "well theres one in the window"

[fred]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

[fred]

Give £2 a month to a hungry African & what do they do?






Buy a ******* Trumpet.?

[fred]

http://www.campaign-paintball.com/campaign/img/pageScenarioZulu/zulu_film.gif

"Vuvuzelas, sir - thousands of 'em!"

[fred]

Next time you blow one of those things, remember where it's been!


http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-22/8775-cid_083215962BAC45FABC1630B27AB3DBA9-mikePC.jpg

[fred]

I've started a new business making yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

[fred]

Baby face nelson.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMp8B1qbtec&NR=1

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-23/43153664.jpg

[fred]

^^^

I know....It looks like a treesome - but when you see the video on Yewtube... It is just a Beech taking it in the Ash..:doh

[Doc Alan]

^^^

I know....It looks like a treesome - but when you see the video on Yewtube... It is just a Beech taking it in the Ash..:doh
Good Fred, Thread :omg:

[fred]

http://a.imageshack.us/img84/1517/howtoinstallanewsenseof.gif

[laurel]

Excellent as always Fred

[mikey73]

Two Dons supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Dons Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Dons Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Dons Fan 1: :sheep: the sheep!!!
Dons Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?

[mikey73]

Q: What do you call an Aberdeen fan with lots of girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

[fred]

Paddy s wife is involved in a bad car crash. In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook . The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compus mentus. No says paddy just third party fire and theft.

[fred]

A pal of mine went into his office in Hong Kong walking gingerly and informed his boss that he was finding it extremely painful merely to sit down. So the boss asked him to lower his trousers - which my pal did. "No doubt about it," said the boss, "but you have got a really large boil situated just between your scrotum and your arsehole. Forget penicillin - it takes too long. Go and see the Boilsucker of Kowloon."

So my friend made his way carefully down to reception and got a taxi into the depths of Kowloon and found a back street with a third floor surgery, approached by a ladder, with the sign: The Boilsucker of Kowloon.

My friend crawled up and was ushered in and asked to remove his trousers and lie down on a couch. Which he did.

At this point the Boilsucker of Kowloon wound a rope round my friend's ankles and winched them up to reveal the boil in question.

The Boilsucker then bared his teeth and bent over to get a proper grip round the base of the boil.

It was at this very moment that my friend let out a long sustained and audible fart.

The Boilsucker stood bolt upright and declared "Sah, why do you seek to make my work unpleasant?"

[fred]

A catholic man opens his new tub of margarine and in it sees the face of jesus christ.

His asian neighbour looks at it and says "I can't believe it's not buddha!"

[fred]

Hot Off The Press



More Devastating News From Pakistan...

















It's stopped raining.

[fred]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[fred]

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those
fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know,
and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the
final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could
feel instantly that this was what she was
waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I
moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was
fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned
ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with
enthusiasm, moaning with
despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too
soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing
climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.
Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and
passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass.
As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the
darkness of approaching night, we lay
there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she
had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered



""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."


This novel is only for sale in New Zealand , Australia , Wales , and certain
parts of Derbyshire.

[fred]

Why the wiring is different





WOMAN'S DIARY

27 June 2010 Sunday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep -
I think he's planning to leave me -
maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 27 June

England lost.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.

[fred]

Friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.



It’s doing well.



He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[Pete/London]

:laugher::D

[fred]

Some cricket news just in.
Pakistan have beaten sri lanka by 2 wickets
Next Thursday.

[fred]

When Cameron became PM he said he would flush out the Taliban in Pakistan.

He didn't mess about did he!

[fred]

http://www.rivingtonbarn.com/files/on_line_dating_780.jpg

[fred]

78 Year old woman was stepping out of the bath when she felt a terrible pain in her chest. For a moment she thought that she was having a heart attack until she realised that she was standing on one of her tits.

[fred]

http://www.rivingtonbarn.com/files/project2_127.jpg

[fred]

Two homosexual muslims have exploded whilst having sex .
Police think that they were suicide bummers.:action-smiley-081:

[fred]

http://i648.photobucket.com/albums/uu205/lime2009/image001-12.gif?t=1283005014

[fred]

The Lone Ranger's
Last Request


<i>
<img width="600" height="715">
</i>
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party..
<img width="600" height="416">


The Indian Chief proclaims,
<img width="150" height="202">
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...



"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
<img width="418" height="354">
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
<img width="387" height="442">
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
To his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
<img width="215" height="350">
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
Is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
And Silver is brought to
The Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"






FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...



"BRING POSSE"

[fred]

George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow in-mates before having to make hot chocolate for them.

He is currently working on a new single about his time inside called '**** me off before your cocoa'

[fred]

As you know, the Muslim faith doesn’t look kindly upon homosexuality, which is why I’m building this bar near ground zero. It is an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world. The goal, however, is not simply to open a typical gay bar, but one friendly to men of Islamic faith. An entire floor, for example, will feature non-alcoholic drinks, since booze is forbidden by the faith. The bar will be open all day and night, to accommodate men who would rather keep their sexuality under wraps – but still want to dance.

Bottom line: I hope that the mosque owners will be as open to the bar, as I am to the new mosque. After all, the belief driving them to open up their center near Ground Zero, is no different than mine. My place, however, will have better music.”

Among the names suggested have been:

Turban Cowboys
Suspicious Packages
Submission
Outfidels
Brokeback Mecca
Très Sheik
Infidelicious
Shake your Shi'a
The Camel's Hump
Allah's Closet
The Pink Crescent
The Queeran
JiHot!
The Sphinx's Sphincter
Ram-a-Dan
Turbinatrix
Lady Agha
Al-Gay-Da
Religion of Piece
Allah Cock Bar
Yassir, That's My Booty
I-Slam
Homohammed's
The Ba'ath House
House of Saudomy
The Circle Turk
You Mecca Me Hot
The Lonesome Camel
We Put the Ass in Madrassa (my favourite)
Sandjobs
Osama's Been Ridden
The Holy City of Me-Cum
Talibuns

[fred]

What has George Micheal & the Chillean miners got in common.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They will both be free in about 8 weeks
after some heavy drilling...

[fred]

George Michael has settled well in prison. He's already written a new song about his new skinhead cellmate.
His new single will be called "Hairless Fister"

[fred]

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night...... she said I'd got the biggest willy she'd ever laid her hands on

I said 'You're pulling my leg'

[fred]

A paedophile, a homophobe, a hypocrite and a Nazi walk into a bar. The barman says 'Whet can I get you your Holyness'?

[stevewool]

went to skeggie the other day, and saw the camels on the beach next to the donkeys, asking the attendent what the camels have for there dinner, his reply was 1 hour the same as the donkeys:icon_lol::icon_lol:

[fred]

And one for your kids:-

What's the difference between people who live in Dubai and people who live in Abu Dhabi?

People who live in Dubai do not watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi doo.

[fred]

A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling water please"
the barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"
the vampire pulls out a tampon and says "im making a brew"

[Lancashirelad]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

[fred]

I fancied a take-away last night, so I phoned King's China Buffet. The guy answered and said "Herro, I'm Wan King the cook" I said "No worries mate, I'll call back later."

[Anakin]

Two whales were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his dad two years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. With a bit of luck it might sink the *******s."
They tried it and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male whale was anxious that they were now going to get away and said, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow seamen."

[LuisaKC]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-07/41061.jpg

ohhh you never gonna find it...lols

[LuisaKC]

Why the wiring is different





WOMAN'S DIARY


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 27 June

England lost.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.

haha.. typical!

[Terpe]

I can still enjoy sex at 75 :Sex:

I live at 76, so it's not too far to go :D

[fred]

AMAZING WORD TRICKS

Did you know that the words "race car" spelt backwards still spells "race car"?



Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?



... and, have you noticed that if you re-arrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Go home you ******* free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other ******* hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-*******, raggedy-ass *******s with you"?



How strange is that???

[fred]

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy today.

He's mainly black and brown with a small white area so I've named him Bradford.

[fred]

WALLET SCAM WARNING!

In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops.

They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and abuse you while the other attempts to steal your wallet!

I had mine stolen last Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!

[fred]

http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj309/leedskier/Screenshot2010-10-20at062822.png

[Terpe]

WALLET SCAM WARNING!

In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops.

They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and abuse you while the other attempts to steal your wallet!

I had mine stolen last Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!

:laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher:

[Terpe]

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM)
responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.
We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."


Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive
marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.
I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't
be able to blow themselves up."

A Spokesperson for England,Ireland and Wales stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the
emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslim men know what
an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[fred]

Nice one Terpe!! :icon_lol:

[fred]

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fooks off.

[fred]

BUGGER!!!! I THOUGHT I WAS A SEXUAL DYNAMO UNTIL I FOUND OUT MY WIFE HAS ASTHMA.....:doh

[fred]

BRITISH SURVEY
A recent survey in the United Kingdom
asked the following question:


Are there too many foreigners in this country now?


Answer:


18% said: YES


82% said:متضحك وبصوت عال!

[fred]

I went to the doctors complaining of problems with my hearing,

he asked "Could you describe the symptoms ?" i replied


" yes, homer is the fat yellow lazy git and marge is the skinny one with blue hair".........

[fred]

I once went out with a girl who had eczema.














She had cracking tits.

[fred]

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't
worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one
of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, Whispering:.....

.....








......






"Dave.............











Dave.............




















Dave, you're a ******* vet".

[Terpe]

fred,
keep em coming:crazy:

[Terpe]

A friend of mine said that now he is 88 years old he has taken up Tantric sex because it's very slow.
His favourite position is called the plumber.
He stays in all day but nobody comes! :NoNo:

[fred]

A teacher at a George Washington Carver High school in South Carolina asks a girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's Soul Pole, my jaw gets sore and I hafta’ use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye!

[fred]

A man walks into Selfridges, and looks like a normal man in a big shop, a bit lost. One of those many assistants come up to him and asks if she can help.

"Urrm, yes, could you tell me where the women's department is please?"

"Certainly sir, it is on the first floor, the escalator is over there"

"Thank you"

On reaching the first floor, the man stops again and looks equally quizzical. Another assistant comes over.

"Hello sir, can I help you?"

"Is this the women's department?"

"Err, yes sir, what is it you are a looking for?"

"A Vacuum Cleaner"

[Terpe]

An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home.

The man turns to the woman and says,

"I bet you don't know how old I am."

She says,"Okay. I'll try"

She then unzips his trousers, feels around for a while and eventually says,

"You're 83."

"That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did you know that?"

The woman replies,

"You told me yesterday." :D

[fred]

http://i644.photobucket.com/albums/uu161/daihardtoo/motorway2.jpg

[fred]

http://i644.photobucket.com/albums/uu161/daihardtoo/washinstructions.jpg

[fred]

http://i644.photobucket.com/albums/uu161/daihardtoo/roadsign.jpg

[fred]

http://i644.photobucket.com/albums/uu161/daihardtoo/family_planning1.jpg

[fred]

I arrived at my driving test to find I had a woman driving instructor. I got in the car:

"Okay, lets go over the basics - put your seatbelt on, adjust your seat, check all your mirrors and then we can begin"




Apparently, I was patronising her.

[fred]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

http://img46.imageshack.us/img46/9324/blondeh.gif

[fred]

Just had a policeman at the door. He said, "It looks like your wife's been in an accident."

I replied, "Yeah I know, but she's got a lovely personality."

[fred]

oops x 2:doh

[fred]

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, mallebale metal with an atomic number of 82.



I'm guess Im easily lead.

[fred]

adam and eve in the garden of eden:

eve says..adam are we black or are we white?
adam replies i dont really know..i will ask god

so adam goes to see god and says..are we black or are we white,

god replies..you are what you are.

so he goes back to eve.. and eve says.. well are we black or white?

adam replies we are white,
and eve says how do you know that,

adam replies.. because he said.. you are what we are

and if we were black he would have said..you izz what you izz

[fred]

Woman says to her Husband, 'You only ever want sex when you're drunk'

Husband replies, 'That's just not true. Sometimes I want a kebab'.

[fred]

there is a new diet sweeping across Pakistan..

It's called Swim Fast.

[fred]

I was out and got hit by a rental car today.

Bloody Hertz.

[fred]

A bar owner in Pakistan claims things are getting better..

He said some of his regulars are starting to drift back in.

[fred]

My mum thinks 'LOL' means 'Lots Of Love'

She just text me saying 'Grandma just died. LOL'

[fred]

http://img718.imageshack.us/img718/7641/screenhunter01oct061115.jpg

[nigel]

44304431443244334433443444354436

[nigel]

Oh you'll love this one:

4437

[fred]

http://www.rickywolking.com/news/uploads/HEAD-UP-YER-ASS.jpg

[nigel]

There's something strange about that last pic you've posted... not all the wall tiles are the same size? :Erm:

Oh the guy with his head up his bum?...Hey I do that all the time!:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

Eight Englishman and an Irishman are in a Police Line up for a rape charge.

As soon as the victim walks in to identify the criminal, Paddy steps forward and exclaims, "Thats her! the ungrateful bitch..."

[fred]

The tax disc was posted already Nige..:yikes: No repeats please!!!


Oh the guy with his head up his bum?...

Its not a guy...Its a girl ... The tiles are perfectly symmetrical apart from where they were trimmed around the bath tub.:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

I had my first night with my new Thai bride. We got into foreplay and I was sucking her off when I thought,.... "Hang on a ******* minute..."

[fred]

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

[fred]

WhEn A mAn TaLkS dIrTy To A wOmAn, ItS sExUaL hArAsSmEnT, wHeN a WoMaN tAlKs DiRtY tO a MaN, iT's $3.95 PeR mInUtE

[fred]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"

[fred]

She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."

She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.

"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."

"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!

[fred]

Bloke at the races whispers to Paddy .."do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy says,
.
.
.
.
.
. "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

[fred]

http://i52.tinypic.com/oax5p0.jpg

[fred]

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

[fred]

I spent some time by the wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pond.

[fred]

A prostitute told me I
could have sex for £10 as she
didn't have a womb!!
I asked how we would do it then?
She said 'acwoss the woad
against the wailings'...

[fred]

The wife is pissed off again.
Last night while she was asleep I swapped her tampax for a party popper.
Honestly No sense of humour the mardy ****!

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-40/31144.jpg

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-40/94873.jpg

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-40/3017baby_large.jpg

[fred]

A bloke goes to the doctors and the doctor says "I'm afraid you are going to have to stop masterbating" "Why?" enquired the man - and the doctor says "Because I'm trying to examine you Mr Smith!"

[fred]

my racing snail Fred has been lacking a little pace of late.
i removed his shell, in hope he would be a little more streamlined.
now he has become very sluggish.

[laurel]

As ever Fred , some great ones there:)

[Ako Si Jamie]

Not sure if this one's been done.

£14 for a full Xmas dinner that feeds three, that's why mums go to Iceland.
£10 for an 18 year old bouncing on your cock all day, that's why dads go to Thailand.

[fred]

http://www.images-graphics-pics.com/signs/scams/nigerian/default.aspx?pic=nigerian2&text=I+paid+Fred+from+Filipinuk+1%2E750%2E00+Quid+for+a+fake+Rolex%2E%0D%0AIt+looked+real+because+it+says+Made+in+Manila%2E%0D%0A&color=black&fontsize=12&move2=&move=&font=hand&allow=454648

[Terpe]

Fred, you mean to say the Rolex I bought at Divisoria Market is fake :omg:

[lordna]

A man in a hot air balloon realises he is lost, so reduces altitude and spots a woman below. He

descends more and shouts to the woman, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would

meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the

ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west

longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea

what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help

at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to

where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you�ve no idea how to

keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the

same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault!"

[lordna]

http://www.adultjokes.co.za/images/41730image001_49220_41730_1.jpg