Trouble making family members

[junior02]

Once your partner has got a visa, has anyone had problems from family members trying to talk your partner out of going.I have problems on this at the moment.The way i see it ive been the goose thats laid the golden egg, and once my wife is here in uk ,her family wont be able to spounge money off her that ive been sending her.And i think thats why they are causing problems..

[gWaPito]

Its a tough one Junior. Even tougher for your wife. It will test her loyalty to you, her husband. My wife was tested. Like she said, we must see to our needs first. If we can afford We help. Its not every week Not every month. Only now and then and then there has to be a reason. Wife wont send for no reason. Like I said, wife wld never send making us short.

[grahamw48]

Your wife will be expected to send money to her family WHEREVER you are living, and more of it if they think (rightly or wrongly) that you are back in the rich country where the streets are paved with gold and we are all millionaires. :)

I believe this may be the cause of more problems between husband and wife than any other...sorry to say.

We have very different traditions.

[gWaPito]

I have to agree with you Graham. I used to know a Phil/Uk couple. They been married 14 years at the time, with there own 2 teenage children. The husband worked 7 days a week with 2 jobs and the wife also worked 5 days a week. Ok so far. The wife had a sick Father who needed expensive meds so, the wife sent her money home. Everything still ok in the uk. The husband accepted the situation, willingly. 8 years later, they were told Father was on his death bed so, after 8 years of hard work which included no holidays and driving a shed of a car they have to borrow money to go see there Father. This is where the problems start. Yes there father was sick but, what surprised and what made the husband sick was seeing all her 5 siblings living the life of kings all at there expense. The wife wld not stop sending money. resentment became bigger by the day. the husband was 42 yo he looked 62 yo He had had enough. Im not sure if the marriage ended.

[gWaPito]

Junior. Her family are bound to be sad to see her and there Grand Children go and in there eyes, it could be for years before they see them again. Remember, its going to leave a massive hole in there lives. Best instil some charity in your heart and give them the benefit of the doubt. From what I know Its best not to bad mouth her family to her. It will only breed resentment and we all know what can happen with that. Try and be diplomatic and chose your words carefully. Think harmony. Good Luck

[keithAngel]

Clearly there are different types of families Junior Im also aware of the emotional manipulation that goes on in the background its not just with foriegners either ofw have it big time to

I am prepared to help with finding work for rthe family but since i dont control the purse strings I dont accept the responsability either My partners lot with a couple of exceptions have proved themselves unable to move beyond the mind set of "but we should all be rich now" but thats not going to work ever In the end its a choice of loyalties and I for one will not end up where we have a dogs life to support idle siblings , no chance of course I will help when a small child is sick but Ive also offered a free vasectomy to one of her brothers who has 3 kids now that he cant properly support and a job (that he doesnt want) but thats as far as I will go

So my advice is to be understanding but firm about your stance if you dont want to set the wrong precedent :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

My experience was different..When we first got married she did send back a few quid for the first couple of years to help them out from time to time but after our first ever trip back to R.P she overheard us being called kuripot..
That did it!! She never ever sent another penny and to this day she avoids her home town like the plague.. I have tried to help out by spending 10,000 Pounds on various agri businesses back in the 90`s ..The wife warned me not too do it many many times.
I actually went there for 6 months to help them get everything set up.. Of course it all went pear shaped within the year and I was to blame which is a real understatement!
we had a text from one of her neices the other day asking for a 2k PHP loan..The Mrs replied telling the lazy cow to get a job and some self respect.

[KeithD]

we had a text from one of her neices the other day asking for a 2k PHP loan..The Mrs replied telling the lazy cow to get a job and some self respect.
Now that's how it should be, with the other half learning to say 'no'. Most people in the UK are in far more debt than those in the Phil, and that includes mortgages, loans, credit cards, etc.

By sending the an 'allowance' all we are doing is turning them into the same folk we have in the UK who live on benefits. Not good for our own finances, and not good for the family as they lose respect, and any will to earn money themselves.

If they survived without whiteman in the family, which obviously they did, they'll do just fine with one in it who isn't a cash machine.

As I always say, if the other half has her own money, she can do what she likes with it, but rather than sending my money for a family to waste, I'd rather save it up and take the other half to visit the family as that's worth more than the monetary value for the one you love.

I will however send 'random gifts', for Xmas for instance, as they don't get used to the income, but I won't give money 'on demand'.

[joebloggs]

As I always say, if the other half has her own money, she can do what she likes with it, but rather than sending my money for a family to waste, I'd rather save it up and take the other half to visit the family as that's worth more than the monetary value for the one you love..

:yikes::omg::yikes:
now thats why i have no money :angry:

[Terpe]

junior02

There's likely to be a number of things going on.

I think gWaPito makes a good comment that the family will be really sad that she is leaving for who knows how long and to a very far place. These feelings will be felt by your wife also.

It's been said before, but largely true, that you marry the woman and the family. This seems to be so strong in Philippine thinking. Much stronger than in the west. Family connections are so important for many reasons.

For sure, it's going to be a big challenge all round and especially regarding financal help.
You're lucky in one way junior02 in that you probably have already learnt a lot about the real needs of the family on a day to day basis.

Trying to keep everyone happy, all the time is not a realistic strategy and can lead to all sorts of problems.
Better to agree to start as you intend to go on.

We have had more than a fair share of genuine emergencies this year from Phils which has depeleted my own 'emergency fund'.
I have fully explained this to my wife so she knows that for at least the next couple of years the only emergency on my financial list is me.

[rani]

this is the problem with the filipinos.. actually, even if we are married to our fellow filipino, the family expects us to help them in whatever needs they have... i really dont know how to stop this foolishness but its like a "tradition" that passes from one generation to the next... what i do is i help my brothers for their kids' school expenses (i dictate which school they should go - affordable ones) and when they graduate, my "help" with them ends too... remember, we should give them NETS to fish and not the FISH for their consumption....

but i know that it doesn't end there :doh

i think we should learn how to say :NoNo:!!!! unless its a matter of life and death :rolleyes:

[DaveUK]

A similar issue has cropped up for us recently. Grandma in Phils is in hospital and a "query" was made about borrowing money to pay the hospital, although no specific amount was asked for.

As far as I'm concerned we're already sending to the extreme limit that I'm happy for us to send, but as we have money put aside to send the family for Christmas, I said we could send money to help, but it would come out of the Christmas "fund". This is what happened in the end.

Admittedly the extra we sent was not a lot at all, and I felt bad putting my foot down on finances when this was over a medical reason. But as has been said, the family would of coped if I wasn't around, so they will still cope now.

[tuft249]

i dont think its unreasonable for family members to expect money, esp if they dont have work& even if they do some of the wages &working hours/conditions are terrible if they are related to someone they perceive as having money its only natural that they may want some help. yes they may well have got by without any help before, but that doesnt mean they couldnt have used some.

[keithAngel]

i dont think its unreasonable for family members to expect money, esp if they dont have work& even if they do some of the wages &working hours/conditions are terrible if they are related to someone they perceive as having money its only natural that they may want some help. yes they may well have got by without any help before, but that doesnt mean they couldnt have used some.

Perceptions dont earn money and yes it may be perfectly natural for anyone to "want" just as it is for me to say no:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Terpe]

Perceptions dont earn money and yes it may be perfectly natural for anyone to "want" just as it is for me to say no:xxgrinning--00xx3:

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, if help is really needed.
I don't think it's unreasonable to say 'no' . But .... it can, and often does cause issues.
It shouldn't.

As for me, England is not paved with gold and earning enough money is not picking cherries. Depends what really is family and where to draw a line (in my experience).
How extensive is the family that may require help. In my case I can count 32 which would be classed as immediate family.

I always help with medical and education. This year 2010 I have spent way too much on emergencies.
If I would be asked for more I must say no or borrow (debt).
Sometimes, it's difficult for my wife to understand also. But hey. I have to manage that.

I would not be happy to think that any of my extended family expect money for anything.

[Terpe]

Sorry, wrong quote in my previous post.
Sorry KeithAngel:icon_sorry:


i dont think its unreasonable for family members to expect money, esp if they dont have work& even if they do some of the wages &working hours/conditions are terrible if they are related to someone they perceive as having money its only natural that they may want some help. yes they may well have got by without any help before, but that doesnt mean they couldnt have used some.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, if help is really needed.
I don't think it's unreasonable to say 'no' . But .... it can, and often does cause issues.
It shouldn't.

As for me, England is not paved with gold and earning enough money is not picking cherries. Depends what really is family and where to draw a line (in my experience).
How extensive is the family that may require help. In my case I can count 32 which would be classed as immediate family.

I always help with medical and education. This year 2010 I have spent way too much on emergencies.
If I would be asked for more I must say no or borrow (debt).
Sometimes, it's difficult for my wife to understand also. But hey. I have to manage that.

I would not be happy to think that any of my extended family expect money for anything

[fred]

i dont think its unreasonable for family members to expect money, esp if they dont have work& even if they do some of the wages &working hours/conditions are terrible if they are related to someone they perceive as having money its only natural that they may want some help. yes they may well have got by without any help before, but that doesnt mean they couldnt have used some.

Well if you dont think its unreasonable then send away!!
I think thats a perfectly reasonable thing for you to do as its YOUR money..
Bahala ka!!

[rani]

I would not be happy to think that any of my extended family expect money for anything

i agree :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[rani]

Well if you dont think its unreasonable then send away!!
I think thats a perfectly reasonable thing for you to do as its YOUR money..
Bahala ka!!

indeed :)

[fred]

Must admit..I did send my bro inlaw some cash to help with his campaign to be barangay captain which would have given him a salary of 10k plus per month..He should have won as he is/was first councillor..
As it happens he lost by one vote (today). Ouch!

[joebloggs]

when i first met the misses, i met her cousin :cwm24: poor guy, had no one and nothing, basically i said i pay for him to go to uni and study nursing, 7+years later he still not finished, not his fault thou :NoNo::cwm23:

[stevewool]

you have to make sure that what you have here is what you want , we work so hard here , first to have a easy life if that is posible, secound to have holidays new car tv and things like that, but that changers once you find a new partner, then you try to help her out by sending a little here and there, but still saving paying bills here, then you realiize you want to be together, well all in all thats anything up to £4000 to get them here and with the visas and so on, thats still ok but its down to yourself and work to pay for that, once she is here the savings gone and you are supporting that extra person, still great because you have worked out what it may cost, i remember emma saying her dad was so happy for her , aslong as emma is happy he is happy , i am holding him to that , emma is my life my future if she is happy i am too, money is hard to come by yes we have a nice life but no one ever gives me anything so , for now the money stays here emma now thats , never say never to anything and yes if there was a problem that wuld be sorted out but live today i say , :)

[fred]

You mean you still havent told them about the money tree that grows in every English garden?Steve..You are a sly devil..
I told them about mine years ago!

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRoNP42vT5mag6nXvGSznSw99aQjuXf_6XNY9YMIf6JnR2T0TM&t=1&usg=__FJHgUaVdhJ3RISuqK-6Te9esNOo=

[joebloggs]

You mean you still havent told them about the money tree that grows in every English garden?Steve..You are a sly devil..
I told them about mine years ago!

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRoNP42vT5mag6nXvGSznSw99aQjuXf_6XNY9YMIf6JnR2T0TM&t=1&usg=__FJHgUaVdhJ3RISuqK-6Te9esNOo=

or you tell them you had a bad crop from the money tree this year :D

i think some Filipinos in the phils don't realise how expensive it can be to live in the uk :NoNo: and what you earn doesn't go that far :cwm24:

[DaveUK]

I did make the mistake once in an attempt to explain how expensive things were in the UK by explaining to someone how cigarettes were 10 times more expensive in the UK than the Phils.

Of course, that meant to the person that if I could afford to smoke in the UK when they cost that much more, I must really be loaded! :doh

[sars_notd_virus]

Money matters is one of the issues causing a relationship to breakdown..it is wise to discuss with partner on how to deal with it to avoid problems in the future.
me and my husband doesnt have problems with this so far , we both want to live a life of leisure someday and agreed to prioritize 'ours' first (financial budgets,guilty pleasures,investments)..its ok to help his or my families on emergencies but never do it as an obligation.

[Terpe]

Money matters is one of the issues causing a relationship to breakdown..it is wise to discuss with partner on how to deal with it to avoid problems in the future.
me and my husband doesnt have problems with this so far , we both want to live a life of leisure someday and agreed to prioritize 'ours' first (financial budgets,guilty pleasures,investments)..its ok to help his or my families on emergencies but never do it as an obligation.

Absolutely spot on Sars!!!!!!!:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Terpe]

i remember emma saying her dad was so happy for her , aslong as emma is happy he is happy

That's a really loving thing to say.:xxgrinning--00xx3:
By the way Steve, wonderful new avatar. I said you would look great in that outfit.:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Emma looks great too.:)

Glad everything went so well.
God Bless you both.:Wave:

[stevewool]

hi terpe thanks but thanks goes to mickcant it was his good will that he gave me his barong to wear thanks mick:xxgrinning--00xx3:, emma did and still does look fantastic we are so lucky to have found each other :xxgrinning--00xx3: