nigel
15th December 2010, 17:32
(123 gags)
1)
"Is your mistress in?"
"She is, sor."
"Is she engaged?"
"Faith, she's more than that - she's married."
2)
"When we are married I must have two servants."
"So you shall, darling, one coming and one going."
3)
"Look here, Mary, I found this blouse button in my soup."
"Oh, thank you, sir, so much; I've been looking for it everywhere."
4)
"I'm giving yer me notice, mum." said the newly engaged maid, "'cos I finds yer don't trust me."
"But Jane, you only came two days ago. I gave you the key to the master's desk, my jewel case and the cellar. Surely that was proof that I trusted you."
"No, 'twasn't, mum. None of the keys fitted."
5)
The ladies were discussing their troubles with their servants.
"Was your last cook a good one?" asked the caller.
"Oh, yes, she was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went!"
6)
"Oh, darling," she cried, rushing towards her husband as he came in, "I've dropped my diamond ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere!"
"It's all right, my dear," said gubby, "I came across it in my trouser pocket."
7)
"But why did you leave your last place?" asked Mrs. Brown.
"Och, mum," replied the young person, "they was that mean that there was no livin' wid' em. If you'll belave it, mum, 'twas only yisterday that I wint intil the parlor and there was two of the gurruls a-playin' on one peeany and their father rich enough to buy a dozen and niver fale it!"
8)
A new servant being engaged was told by the mistress that the previous maid was discharged owing to the discovery of a follower in the kitchen. The new maid stated that she never had followers, so was engaged.
A few evenings later, the mistress, having smelt tobacco smoke, went into the kitchen and found a soldier hiding in the coal cellar.
The maid denied all knowledge of the soldier, and said that it must be one left by the last maid.
9)
An Irish maid asked permission to go home for a few days. She had a telegram saying her mother was sick.
"Certainly you may go," said the mistress, "only don't stay longer than is necessary, as we need you."
A week passed, and not a word from her. Then came a note from her which read, "Dear ma'am, I will be back nex week, an' plase keep my place for me, my mother is dying as fast as she can."
10)
Lady (to applicant for position of gardener): "You are, of course, strictly sober?"
Gardner: "Yes, mum, often."
11)
Mistress: "here is a three-minute-and-a-half glass Bridget; you may boil the eggs with it."
Bridget (five minutes later): "The eggs is done, mum, but Oi hev me doubts about the glass."
12)
A left-handed maid servant reversed the order of the knives and forks on the dinner table. Her master, observing the mistake , reproved her. "Ah, true indeed sir," said she, "and now would you be pleased to help me turn the table round?"
13)
"Did you tell Mr. Dudley that I was not in?"
Bridget: "I did, ma'am; but he looked so doubtful, I don't think he'd believe it if you'd told him wid your own lips."
14)
Mrs. Youngwife: "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open, and the draught has shut my cookery book, so now I haven't the faintest idea what it is I am cooking."
15)
"What is the matter Bridget?" asked the Lady of her servant, who had given notice that she was to leave.
"Why are you going to leave?"
"Sure, ma'am," explained Bridget, "my policeman has been appointed another beat."
16)
Applicant for situation : "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"
17)
The new maid had placed a very unclean plate on the table. "Really, Norah," remonstrated her mistress, "you might at least see that the plates are clean."
"Well, ma'am," said Norah, "I owns up to them thumb marks, but that dried mustard was there afore I come!"
18)
"Why did you leave your last place?"
"The master kissed me."
"Certainly you had a very good reason for leaving?"
"Yes, mum, 'is moustache was sumfink awful."
19)
The new mistress: "I trust you did not have any high words with your late mistress before you left?"
"No, I locked her in the bathroom and slipped out quietly."
20)
"Come, Bridget, how much longer are you going to be filling that pepper box?"
"Shure, ma'am, and it's meself can't say how long it'll be takin' me to get all the stuff in the thing through the little holes in the top."
21)
"If anyone calls this afternoon, Mary, I shall be out," announced the mistress.
"Well, as it 'appens, ma'am," replied Mary with finality, "I shall be out myself."
22)
A housewife decided to try her hand at cake making. The result was heavy, and she threw it to the ducks in disgust.
A short time afterwards two small boys tapped at her door.
"I say, missus," they shouted, "your ducks have sunk!"
23)
"Bridget, does your mistress assist you in cooking?"
"Yis, very much,"
"How does she do it?"
"By kaping out of the kitchen."
24)
"Can you tell me of my wife's wherabouts?" he asked of the family servant.
Bridget hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Faith, to tell ye the truth, I really belave they're in the wash."
25)
"I told you half an hour ago to turn on the gas in the parlour, Bridget?" said a mistress enquiringly.
"Sure, an' I did mum," answered Bridget, "Don't yez shmell it?"
26)
"Bridget, didn't I tell you to clean the windows?"
"Yes, sor."
"And didn't I tell you to use the new chamois?"
"Yes, sor."
"Well, did you use it?"
"Sure, I did, sor."
"Let me see the chamois," said the master. Then he learnt that his wife had sent home some tripe.
27)
The mistress grumbled at the maid because she sent six blouses a week to the wash, whereas her daughter only sent two.
"Well , mum, Miss Mary doesn't walk out with a sweep," was the reply.
28)
"I've come from the employment bureau, ma'am," said the girl, "They said you wanted a servant."
"But I do all the work myself." replied the lady of the house.
"Then the place will just suit me."
29)
Bridget left Ireland with an excellent letter of recommendation from her last mistress, but on the way over the letter fell into the sea and was lost. Not knowing how to find work without her recommendation she appealed to a friend to write one for her, and he gave her the following:-
To the general public:
Bridget Flaherty had a good reputation when she left Ireland, but lost it on the way over.
30)
Nursemaid: "Oim going to leave me place, mum."
Mistress: "Why? Don't you like the child?"
Nursemaid: "Yis; but he's that afeard av a policeman that Oi can't get him near wan."
31)
Mistress ( to servant): "did you tell those ladies at the door that I was not at home?"
Servant: Yes, mum."
Mistress: "And what did they say?"
Servant:"How fortinit!"
32)
Young wife: "Bridget, you have been in the habit of boiling potatoes peeled?"
Bridget: "Yis, mum."
Young wife: "Well, since the cold weather has come don't you think you should boil them with their jackets on?"
33)
"Bridget, where did you get that dreadful eye?"
"Me brother gave it to me, mum; and what will the neighbours say? Me with an eye like that and no husband.":yikes::yikes::yikes:(seems to say something about attitudes then!)
34)
Mistress (to new servant): "Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've had to tell you about finger bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked for have them on the table?"
Bridget: "No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came."
35)
Cook: "Yis, mum; Oi've decoided to take the place wid yiz. Oi found ye've such a very good character at the registry office."
36)
"My wife is always after me for more money." Every morning it is 'Give me £5,' and every evening it is, 'Give me five more.' "
"What does she do with all the money?"
"I don't know I haven't given her any yet."
37)
"Did you post my letter, Mary?" asked the mistress, "It was an important one, you know."
"Yis, mum, indeed I did"
"But why have you brought back the twopence I gave you for the stamp?"
"Sur, I didn't have to use it, mum," replied Mary, "I slipped th' letther into th' box whin nobody was lukin'."
38)
"Why Bridget," exclaimed the housewife, "I can write my name in the dust here."
"'Deed, ma'am," replied Bridget, admiringly, "that's more nor I can do. There's nothin' loike education afther all, is there, ma'am?"
39)
Lady: "Bridget, where did you get that pretty design for to mark your pies with?"
Bridget: "Indade, I done it wid your teeth, ma'am, that was in the tumbler."
40)
"Norah, you must always sweep behind the doors." said a young lady who noticed an accumulation of dust in odd corners.
"Yes'm," said Norah, "I always does, It's the asiest way of gettin' the durrit out of sight."
41)
"Ah, Susan," said the mistress, meeting a former servant, "I suppose your getting better wages at your new place?"
"No, indeed, ma'am. I'm working for nothing now-I'm married."
42)
Mistress in the kitchen: "I don't think much of this flour cook."
Cook: "No, mum, it's poor stuff nowadays, I really don't know what the grocers are coming to. They all seem given to adultery now."
43)
The new maid was asked what she thought of the electric cooker.
"It's just wonderful," the girl replied, "It hasn't gone out since I came here three weeks ago."
44)
"Cook tells me you wish to go out tonight, Mary. With a friend. Is it urgent?"
"No, mum, it's my gent."
45)
Jane gave notice. She was going to be married in a week's time, she said.
"But it's so sudden!" gasped her mistress, "I wish you could wait until I am suited with another maid."
Jane fidgetted with her apron. "Well, mum," she hesitated, "I'm sure I'd be willing enough, but I don't feel as 'ow I know 'im well enough to arsk 'im to put it orf."
46)
Mistress ( to new servant): "We have breakfast generally about eight o'clock."
Servant: "well, mum, if I ain't down to it , don't wait."
47)
"Dear me, Norah! What is the cause of this terrible noise?"
Norah (who has the dishes in the clothes-washing machine) "Shure, an' o'im washin' the dishes as yez towld me, mum. But oi've not had toime to put thim through the wringer yit, mum."
48)
"Bridget, I am tired of your carelessness. Only look at all that dust lying about on the furniture; It is six months old at the very least."
"Then it is no fault of mine," said Bridget, "You know very well, mum, that I have been with you only three months."
49)
"I'm afraid our new housemaid is dishonest." said the wife.
"Come now, my dear," answered the husband, "you should never judge by appearances."
"I don't" was the answer, "I judge by disappearances."
50)
Lizzie was being questioned by a possible new mistress. "If a steak fell on the floor, and the cat got it, what would you do with it?"
"Please, mum, is this a boardine 'ouse?"
"No."
"Then I should not cook it, mum."
51)
"Why Jane," said the mistress, "What an untidy kitchen you have; all the pots, pans, and dishes are dirty; Look at the table, filthy. What have you been doing?"
"Sur, ma'am," replied Jane, "the young ladies have been showing me how they cook at their cookery class."
52)
Crash! Crash! Down the kitchen stairs fell the entire trayful of recently used crockery from the dining room. The master rushed to the scene of the disaster.
"Jane, Jane, whatever have you done?"
Jane smiled serenely, "Oh, sir, it's only the dinner things, sir! What a lucky thing I hadn't washed them up!"
53)
"Have you got through cleaning, Bridget?"
"No, mum, not intoirely. I've scoured the bookcase and pianny, and I'm just going down the cellar for more sand to begin on the rist of the furniture."
54)
"Darling," said the wife, "I'm afraid cook's burned the bacon. You'll have to be satisfied with a kiss for breakfast."
"All right," said the husband gruffly, "call her in."
55)
Mistress: "Why is it, Catherine, that whenever I come into the room I never find you working?"
Catherine: "So long as you wears them rubber 'eels, mum, you never will."
56)
"Fancy, my dear, your mother has been dead nearly two years, and a letter came from her today with, 'Please forward' on it."
"Oh, and what did you do with it?"
"Just put it on the fire."
57)
"What have you done to the plum pudding, Mary?" enquired the mistress.
"Well, ma'am," explained Mary, "I spilled the brandy you gave me, so I used paraffin instead. Can't you get it to burn?"
58)
Mistress: "I hope your doing what you can to economise the food."
Cook: "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an' water."
59)
"Please, madam," asked the pretty parlourmaid, "may I have tomorrow off to see my aunt?"
Before her mistress could reply, little Peggy added her pleading to the maid's.
"Oh, do let her, mummie?" she said, "Her aunt's just been made a sergeant."
60)
Mistress: Why, Mary, this figure of Venus is covered with dust."
Maid: "Yes'm."
Mistress: "Didn't I tell you to brush it off?"
Maid: "Yes'm."
Mistress: "And why didn't you?"
Maid (Blushingly): "Because, mem, I thought it needed something on it."
61)
Two farmers were discussing the weather.
One said: "Man, that shooer will do an awfu' lot o' good; it'll bring a'thing oot o' the grun'."
"God forbid," said his neighbour, "I've three wives there."
62)
"Oh, mummie, theres a man upstairs kissing nurse!"
"Don't tell stories, you naughty child." said the mother.
"But it's true, mummie, it's true."
Phyllis waited till her mother was half-way up the stairs, then she called out, "April fool mummie! It's only daddy."
63)
"Bridget," said the mistress, "were you entertaining a man in the kitchen last evening?"
"Well, ma'am," replied Bridget, "that's for him to say. I did my best with the materials at hand, ma'am."
64)
Lady (to applicant for situation as a cook): Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"
Cook: "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues."
65)
The bell had rung half a dozen times. The indignant mistress of the house called to the new maid-of-all-work, "Who on earth keeps on ringing that bell, Jane?"
"It's only me mum," answered Jane calmly, "I wan't you down 'ere in a minute!"
66)
"How about references?" enquired a mistress.
"Oh, I like your looks," replied the applicant, "so I won't ask you for any references."
67)
Mistress: "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
Cook: You don't catch me cracking any more nuts today, I've very near broke me jaw already."
68)
"Oh, Mary," said the lady, breaking off her conversation with friends, "will you run upstairs and fetch that letter I left on my dressing table, please."
"Er-er-which one, mum?" enquired Mary.
"The one about your brother's wedding or the vicar's letter about the bazaar?"
69)
Master: "Bridget, give this note to your mistress when she returns. Do not forget it."
Bridget: "All right sor. Oi'll put it in the trousers you have took off, sor, to be sure."
70)
The nursemaid arrived home in a terrible state of panic.
"Madame," she cried, "I've been and gone and lost Ivy."
"But why on earth didn't you speak to a policeman, you silly girl?" asked the distracted mother.
"I was!" answered the nursemaid.
71)
Mistress to servant: "Cull and wash those strawberries for tea."
Later at the table: "Nora, where are those berries I told you we would have for tea."
"Faith," replied Nora, "They're in the taypot, mum."
72)
Mistress, to new (and very raw) maid: "When you answer me, Mary, you should say 'Yes, ma'am,' or 'No, ma'am'"
New maid (obligingly): "Right-o!"
73)
A miserable man was left outside a shop in Oxford Street by his wife. He waited for an hour, and then approached a policeman. "For the lord's sake," he said, "order me to move on, loudly and sternly."
74)
Betty: "Is it any harm to steal a kiss?"
Billy: "Well, I knew a young man who stole a kiss and recieved the full penalty."
Betty: "And what was the penalty?"
Billy: "Hard labour for life as a husband."
75)
"I once loved a young girl, but, alas! she wasn't made for me."
"Then you didn't marry her?"
"Yes, I did. That's why I know."
76)
Wife: You shouldn't kick about the poor quality of biscuits that I make."
Husband: "And why not?"
Wife: "Because I don't kick about the small quality of dough you make."
77)
Wife: "If I should die you would never get another wife like me."
Husband: "Well, I hope not."
78)
Lady: "Bridget, did the boy bring the dressed chickens I ordered?"
Bridget: "He brought thim, but, shure, they be not drissed al all; not even the feathers be on 'em."
79)
Girls, if you can't get a husband get a dog that growls all morning, a parrot that swears in the afternoon, and a cat that stays out all night, and you'll know exactly what married life is.
80)
A little boy says his father only laughed once after he married mother, and that was when she caught her tongue in the wringer.
81)
"Kate, please make John some sauce for dinner."
"No, ma'am; this marnin', whin he hugged and kissed me, he tould me not to give him any sauce."
82)
Smith: "I say, Brown, why do you wear that shocking brown hat?"
Brown: "Because my wife declares she won't go out with me until I get a new one!"
83)
A housekeeper advertised recently for a wet nurse. A young Irish girl offered herself.
"How old are you, Bridget?" said the dame.
"Sixteen, plaise, ma'am."
"Have you ever had a baby?"
"No, ma'am, but I am very fond of them."
"Then, I'm afraid, Bridget, you will not do for me. It is a wet nurse I want."
"O, please, ma'am, I know I'll do; I'm very easy to teach."
84)
You told me to boil the water, ma'am, and I've been boiling it an hour and a half. I want to know if it's done yet.
85)
Mistress: "Get dinner today on the oil stove, Bridget."
Bridget: "Plaze, mum, I did thry, but the stove wint out."
Mistress: "Try again, then."
Bridget: "Yis, mum, but it's not come back yit. It went out through the roof."
86)
"Look here, confound you! I won't have this. Do you think I'm a fool?"
"Shure, sorr, Oi can't say, sorr. I only came here yestherday."
87)
The new maid was flurried at the time, and told her mistress she had forgotten to wash the lettuce.
"Never mind," said the kindly mistress, "get on with what you are doing, I'll wash the lettuce, where's the soap?"
88)
Daughter, trying on a beautiful skunk fur coat: "Isn't it wonderful, mamma, that such a mean little skunk can give me such a beautiful coat?"
"Hush, dear, I won't hear you speak of your father like that!"
89)
"And I suppose you can show me some testimonials?"
"I'm sorry, mum, but I've gone an' left 'em at 'ome! But I can assure you, mum, that in my lar's place, every morning I was up at four, and I made me fire, put me kettle on, got the breakfast, and made all the beds before anyone else in the 'ouse was up."
90)
Biddy: "Pat, ye remimber the wathermilion, as ye called it, ye brought home lasht night?"
Pat: "Faith, an Oi do."
Biddy: "Well, Oi put it in the pot to boil it fer yer dinner, an' whin Oi lifeted aff th' lid, begorra, there was a big pot full av nothing."
91)
Husband (with lathered face): "My razor won't cut at all!"
Wife (in surprise): "Why, Joe, you don't mean to tell me that your beard is tougher than the oilcloth!"
92)
A woman who was charged with assaulting a rate collector said, "It was his own fault. He came after dark, and I thought it was my husband."
93)
Mistress (to new cook): "We wan't you to do your best tonight as a few friends are coming to a musical evening."
Cook (coyly): "Well, really I haven't sung for years, but if it's any help to you put me down for 'Sing Me to Sleep.'"
94)
Mistress: "Hang those clothes on the horse to dry, Bridget."
Bridget: "Yis, ma'am."
Mistress (one hour later): "What is that noise down there, Bridget?"
Bridget: "Shure, Oi jist caught the horse now ma'am, but Oi can't get him into the kitchen at all, at all."
95)
Mistress: "Bridget, I have put the meat in the oven. Don't forget to baste it."
Bridget: "Shure Oi will, ma'am, if you give me a needle and thread."
96)
Mistress (indicating cobweb): "Haven't you seen this?"
New maid: "Yes'm; somefink to do wiv' your wirless, ain't it?"
97)
She was engaging a new parlourmaid. "Of course, madam," said the girl, "you won't expect me to sweep?"
"Oh, no, indeed."
"Nor answer the doorbell?"
"Certainly not."
"Nor-"
"No, no,"the mistress interrupted graciously, "I expect none of these things from a parlourmaid. I only want her to look at, and for that you are too plain."
98)
"My wife," said Robinson, "is a wonderful woman. I don't believe she can tell alie. She's a treasure."
"You're certainly lucky." said Brown, "My wife can tell a lie the moment it comes off her tongue."
99)
After she had admitted the simple looking young man each day for a week, the maid went indignantly to her mistress.
"I'm going to leave, ma'am." she said.
"Why, Mary. I can see no reason."
"It's just this, ma'am. I can't bear that young man who calls on Miss Ethel."
"But he doesn't call to see you! What do you complain of?"
"Well , ma'am, the neighbours might think he does."
100)
Master: "Here, Mary, what's the matter with this dog? You know he's never been allowed at the dinner table. He's watching every mouthful I eat, and won't be driven away."
Mary: "I think you've got his plate, sir."
101)
"Bridget, what is the clock doing on the range?" asked a mistress one morning when she entered the kitchen and saw the clock occupying a place on the range.
"Didn't you tell me ter boil the eggs five minutes by the clock?" enquired the cook.
102)
"In my last place," said the new parlourmaid to the cook, "I always managed to take things fairly easy."
The cook closed one eye and held her finger to her nose, "You'll find it different here," she said, "they keep everything locked up."
103)
Father wrote to his son's teacher asking for a school report. Back came the report. "Your son talks to much."
"Ah," said father, "you ought to hear his mother."
104)
"Sometimes," said the mistress to the new maid, "it will be necessary for you to assist the butler upstairs."
"I understand, madam," said the maid, "when he's had one over the eight."
105)
A cookery schoolgirl said to the servant one day, "Mary, what did you do with that cake I baked yesterday? My young man is here and I want to give him some."
"If you'll take my advice, miss" said Mary, "You won't give him any; he seems a nice young man, and I wouldn't discourage him if I was you!"
106)
The housemaid, tidying the stairs he morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver, "Someone of the company had a hole in his pocket!"
107)
"Look here, Jane." said the mistress, reprovingly, "This chair is covered in dust."
"Yessum," answered the imperturbable Jane, "I rekon nobody ain't sat in it lately, 'm."
108)
Mrs. Sharpe (severley): "Norah, I can find only seven of these plates. Where are the other five?"
Cook ( in surprise): "Sur, mum, don't ye make no allowance for ordinary wear an' tear?"
109)
Lady: "Bridget, I want you to run down to the store and order some cakes; I expect company to-night."
Bridget: "Sure, ma'am, Oi wuz jist comin' to tell you to run down and order some, for Oim expectin' company mesilf tonight."
110)
A lady hearing sounds of mirth ascending from the lower regions of her house one night, rang the bell and inquired of the servant, "Is that hilarity I hear in the kitchen, Bridget?"
"No, ma'am," was the reply, "it's Mr. Murphy, and the jokes of him would make the pope himself laugh."
111)
The charlady, talking to her mistress: "Our new lodger came last night, but 'es no class, not a bit better thant'other one we chucked out. Do you know, when 'e was' 'aving a cup of cocoa last night, 'e didn't just breathe on it like you or me would, 'e turned it straight out onto 'is saucer."
112)
"Look here," said the master to the new maid, "Why did you tell your mistress what time I came home when I told you not to?"
"I didn't," replied the maid, "she asked me what time you got in, and I told her I was busy getting breakfast ready to look at the clock."
113)
"Mary, cook those eggs for lunch very soft."
Mary (two hours later): "Oi think yez will hev to do without thim aigs. Oi hev biled thim two hours, an' they ain't soft yet."
114)
A lady one day, being in need of some small change, called downstairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any coppers down there?"
"Yes, mum, I've two; but, if you please, mum, their both my cousins!" was the unexpected surprise.
115)
Husband (shaving): "My dear, I can't think what's wrong with my shaving brush; it's all hard and won't bend, and I'm sure it was all right yesterday."
Wife: "Yes, I'm sure it was all right yesterday, dear, because when I touched up the paint on the greenhouse door it was in lovely condition then."
116)
Mistress: ""Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?"
Maid: " I'm very sorry, mum; I was accidentally dusting."
117)
"Look here, Mary, this steak is quite black. How do you account for it?"
"Well, sor, I don't rightly know, sir, unless it's because the cook's uncle just died."
118)
Polite piano tuner (making a business call): "If you please, I have come to the 'Grand.'"
New maid (answering the door): "Well, my fine fellow, you can 'op it. We don't want none of your airs 'ere."
119)
"Do you think that young policeman who calls here so often means business, Norah?" said an enquiring lady.
"I think he do, mum," answered the blushing cook, "He's begun to complain about my cooking already."
120)
"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services any longer."
The husband, who was present, afterwards expressed his surprise at the final clause.
"But it's true," the wife answered, "the dishes she smashed cost twice her wages."
121)
He ( reading paper): "The servant put some gunpowder in the fire, and she was blown through the roof."
She (sypathetically): "Poor Mrs White has so much trouble with her girls. That makes the fourth that's left her without notice."
122)
"Mary," said the mistress sternly, "never let me catch you kissing the policeman again."
"Lor, mum, I hope not!" replied Mary, "But you do bob up so!"
123)
Noticing a smell of burning, a mistress ran into her kitchen and saw a part of her fireplace on fire. Seeing a kettle of water on the fire she asked her maid, "Why didn't you put out the fire with the kettle of water?"
"But, ma'am," said Mary, "Sure, it was boiling water!"
1)
"Is your mistress in?"
"She is, sor."
"Is she engaged?"
"Faith, she's more than that - she's married."
2)
"When we are married I must have two servants."
"So you shall, darling, one coming and one going."
3)
"Look here, Mary, I found this blouse button in my soup."
"Oh, thank you, sir, so much; I've been looking for it everywhere."
4)
"I'm giving yer me notice, mum." said the newly engaged maid, "'cos I finds yer don't trust me."
"But Jane, you only came two days ago. I gave you the key to the master's desk, my jewel case and the cellar. Surely that was proof that I trusted you."
"No, 'twasn't, mum. None of the keys fitted."
5)
The ladies were discussing their troubles with their servants.
"Was your last cook a good one?" asked the caller.
"Oh, yes, she was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went!"
6)
"Oh, darling," she cried, rushing towards her husband as he came in, "I've dropped my diamond ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere!"
"It's all right, my dear," said gubby, "I came across it in my trouser pocket."
7)
"But why did you leave your last place?" asked Mrs. Brown.
"Och, mum," replied the young person, "they was that mean that there was no livin' wid' em. If you'll belave it, mum, 'twas only yisterday that I wint intil the parlor and there was two of the gurruls a-playin' on one peeany and their father rich enough to buy a dozen and niver fale it!"
8)
A new servant being engaged was told by the mistress that the previous maid was discharged owing to the discovery of a follower in the kitchen. The new maid stated that she never had followers, so was engaged.
A few evenings later, the mistress, having smelt tobacco smoke, went into the kitchen and found a soldier hiding in the coal cellar.
The maid denied all knowledge of the soldier, and said that it must be one left by the last maid.
9)
An Irish maid asked permission to go home for a few days. She had a telegram saying her mother was sick.
"Certainly you may go," said the mistress, "only don't stay longer than is necessary, as we need you."
A week passed, and not a word from her. Then came a note from her which read, "Dear ma'am, I will be back nex week, an' plase keep my place for me, my mother is dying as fast as she can."
10)
Lady (to applicant for position of gardener): "You are, of course, strictly sober?"
Gardner: "Yes, mum, often."
11)
Mistress: "here is a three-minute-and-a-half glass Bridget; you may boil the eggs with it."
Bridget (five minutes later): "The eggs is done, mum, but Oi hev me doubts about the glass."
12)
A left-handed maid servant reversed the order of the knives and forks on the dinner table. Her master, observing the mistake , reproved her. "Ah, true indeed sir," said she, "and now would you be pleased to help me turn the table round?"
13)
"Did you tell Mr. Dudley that I was not in?"
Bridget: "I did, ma'am; but he looked so doubtful, I don't think he'd believe it if you'd told him wid your own lips."
14)
Mrs. Youngwife: "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open, and the draught has shut my cookery book, so now I haven't the faintest idea what it is I am cooking."
15)
"What is the matter Bridget?" asked the Lady of her servant, who had given notice that she was to leave.
"Why are you going to leave?"
"Sure, ma'am," explained Bridget, "my policeman has been appointed another beat."
16)
Applicant for situation : "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"
17)
The new maid had placed a very unclean plate on the table. "Really, Norah," remonstrated her mistress, "you might at least see that the plates are clean."
"Well, ma'am," said Norah, "I owns up to them thumb marks, but that dried mustard was there afore I come!"
18)
"Why did you leave your last place?"
"The master kissed me."
"Certainly you had a very good reason for leaving?"
"Yes, mum, 'is moustache was sumfink awful."
19)
The new mistress: "I trust you did not have any high words with your late mistress before you left?"
"No, I locked her in the bathroom and slipped out quietly."
20)
"Come, Bridget, how much longer are you going to be filling that pepper box?"
"Shure, ma'am, and it's meself can't say how long it'll be takin' me to get all the stuff in the thing through the little holes in the top."
21)
"If anyone calls this afternoon, Mary, I shall be out," announced the mistress.
"Well, as it 'appens, ma'am," replied Mary with finality, "I shall be out myself."
22)
A housewife decided to try her hand at cake making. The result was heavy, and she threw it to the ducks in disgust.
A short time afterwards two small boys tapped at her door.
"I say, missus," they shouted, "your ducks have sunk!"
23)
"Bridget, does your mistress assist you in cooking?"
"Yis, very much,"
"How does she do it?"
"By kaping out of the kitchen."
24)
"Can you tell me of my wife's wherabouts?" he asked of the family servant.
Bridget hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Faith, to tell ye the truth, I really belave they're in the wash."
25)
"I told you half an hour ago to turn on the gas in the parlour, Bridget?" said a mistress enquiringly.
"Sure, an' I did mum," answered Bridget, "Don't yez shmell it?"
26)
"Bridget, didn't I tell you to clean the windows?"
"Yes, sor."
"And didn't I tell you to use the new chamois?"
"Yes, sor."
"Well, did you use it?"
"Sure, I did, sor."
"Let me see the chamois," said the master. Then he learnt that his wife had sent home some tripe.
27)
The mistress grumbled at the maid because she sent six blouses a week to the wash, whereas her daughter only sent two.
"Well , mum, Miss Mary doesn't walk out with a sweep," was the reply.
28)
"I've come from the employment bureau, ma'am," said the girl, "They said you wanted a servant."
"But I do all the work myself." replied the lady of the house.
"Then the place will just suit me."
29)
Bridget left Ireland with an excellent letter of recommendation from her last mistress, but on the way over the letter fell into the sea and was lost. Not knowing how to find work without her recommendation she appealed to a friend to write one for her, and he gave her the following:-
To the general public:
Bridget Flaherty had a good reputation when she left Ireland, but lost it on the way over.
30)
Nursemaid: "Oim going to leave me place, mum."
Mistress: "Why? Don't you like the child?"
Nursemaid: "Yis; but he's that afeard av a policeman that Oi can't get him near wan."
31)
Mistress ( to servant): "did you tell those ladies at the door that I was not at home?"
Servant: Yes, mum."
Mistress: "And what did they say?"
Servant:"How fortinit!"
32)
Young wife: "Bridget, you have been in the habit of boiling potatoes peeled?"
Bridget: "Yis, mum."
Young wife: "Well, since the cold weather has come don't you think you should boil them with their jackets on?"
33)
"Bridget, where did you get that dreadful eye?"
"Me brother gave it to me, mum; and what will the neighbours say? Me with an eye like that and no husband.":yikes::yikes::yikes:(seems to say something about attitudes then!)
34)
Mistress (to new servant): "Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've had to tell you about finger bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked for have them on the table?"
Bridget: "No, mum; her friends always washed their hands before they came."
35)
Cook: "Yis, mum; Oi've decoided to take the place wid yiz. Oi found ye've such a very good character at the registry office."
36)
"My wife is always after me for more money." Every morning it is 'Give me £5,' and every evening it is, 'Give me five more.' "
"What does she do with all the money?"
"I don't know I haven't given her any yet."
37)
"Did you post my letter, Mary?" asked the mistress, "It was an important one, you know."
"Yis, mum, indeed I did"
"But why have you brought back the twopence I gave you for the stamp?"
"Sur, I didn't have to use it, mum," replied Mary, "I slipped th' letther into th' box whin nobody was lukin'."
38)
"Why Bridget," exclaimed the housewife, "I can write my name in the dust here."
"'Deed, ma'am," replied Bridget, admiringly, "that's more nor I can do. There's nothin' loike education afther all, is there, ma'am?"
39)
Lady: "Bridget, where did you get that pretty design for to mark your pies with?"
Bridget: "Indade, I done it wid your teeth, ma'am, that was in the tumbler."
40)
"Norah, you must always sweep behind the doors." said a young lady who noticed an accumulation of dust in odd corners.
"Yes'm," said Norah, "I always does, It's the asiest way of gettin' the durrit out of sight."
41)
"Ah, Susan," said the mistress, meeting a former servant, "I suppose your getting better wages at your new place?"
"No, indeed, ma'am. I'm working for nothing now-I'm married."
42)
Mistress in the kitchen: "I don't think much of this flour cook."
Cook: "No, mum, it's poor stuff nowadays, I really don't know what the grocers are coming to. They all seem given to adultery now."
43)
The new maid was asked what she thought of the electric cooker.
"It's just wonderful," the girl replied, "It hasn't gone out since I came here three weeks ago."
44)
"Cook tells me you wish to go out tonight, Mary. With a friend. Is it urgent?"
"No, mum, it's my gent."
45)
Jane gave notice. She was going to be married in a week's time, she said.
"But it's so sudden!" gasped her mistress, "I wish you could wait until I am suited with another maid."
Jane fidgetted with her apron. "Well, mum," she hesitated, "I'm sure I'd be willing enough, but I don't feel as 'ow I know 'im well enough to arsk 'im to put it orf."
46)
Mistress ( to new servant): "We have breakfast generally about eight o'clock."
Servant: "well, mum, if I ain't down to it , don't wait."
47)
"Dear me, Norah! What is the cause of this terrible noise?"
Norah (who has the dishes in the clothes-washing machine) "Shure, an' o'im washin' the dishes as yez towld me, mum. But oi've not had toime to put thim through the wringer yit, mum."
48)
"Bridget, I am tired of your carelessness. Only look at all that dust lying about on the furniture; It is six months old at the very least."
"Then it is no fault of mine," said Bridget, "You know very well, mum, that I have been with you only three months."
49)
"I'm afraid our new housemaid is dishonest." said the wife.
"Come now, my dear," answered the husband, "you should never judge by appearances."
"I don't" was the answer, "I judge by disappearances."
50)
Lizzie was being questioned by a possible new mistress. "If a steak fell on the floor, and the cat got it, what would you do with it?"
"Please, mum, is this a boardine 'ouse?"
"No."
"Then I should not cook it, mum."
51)
"Why Jane," said the mistress, "What an untidy kitchen you have; all the pots, pans, and dishes are dirty; Look at the table, filthy. What have you been doing?"
"Sur, ma'am," replied Jane, "the young ladies have been showing me how they cook at their cookery class."
52)
Crash! Crash! Down the kitchen stairs fell the entire trayful of recently used crockery from the dining room. The master rushed to the scene of the disaster.
"Jane, Jane, whatever have you done?"
Jane smiled serenely, "Oh, sir, it's only the dinner things, sir! What a lucky thing I hadn't washed them up!"
53)
"Have you got through cleaning, Bridget?"
"No, mum, not intoirely. I've scoured the bookcase and pianny, and I'm just going down the cellar for more sand to begin on the rist of the furniture."
54)
"Darling," said the wife, "I'm afraid cook's burned the bacon. You'll have to be satisfied with a kiss for breakfast."
"All right," said the husband gruffly, "call her in."
55)
Mistress: "Why is it, Catherine, that whenever I come into the room I never find you working?"
Catherine: "So long as you wears them rubber 'eels, mum, you never will."
56)
"Fancy, my dear, your mother has been dead nearly two years, and a letter came from her today with, 'Please forward' on it."
"Oh, and what did you do with it?"
"Just put it on the fire."
57)
"What have you done to the plum pudding, Mary?" enquired the mistress.
"Well, ma'am," explained Mary, "I spilled the brandy you gave me, so I used paraffin instead. Can't you get it to burn?"
58)
Mistress: "I hope your doing what you can to economise the food."
Cook: "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an' water."
59)
"Please, madam," asked the pretty parlourmaid, "may I have tomorrow off to see my aunt?"
Before her mistress could reply, little Peggy added her pleading to the maid's.
"Oh, do let her, mummie?" she said, "Her aunt's just been made a sergeant."
60)
Mistress: Why, Mary, this figure of Venus is covered with dust."
Maid: "Yes'm."
Mistress: "Didn't I tell you to brush it off?"
Maid: "Yes'm."
Mistress: "And why didn't you?"
Maid (Blushingly): "Because, mem, I thought it needed something on it."
61)
Two farmers were discussing the weather.
One said: "Man, that shooer will do an awfu' lot o' good; it'll bring a'thing oot o' the grun'."
"God forbid," said his neighbour, "I've three wives there."
62)
"Oh, mummie, theres a man upstairs kissing nurse!"
"Don't tell stories, you naughty child." said the mother.
"But it's true, mummie, it's true."
Phyllis waited till her mother was half-way up the stairs, then she called out, "April fool mummie! It's only daddy."
63)
"Bridget," said the mistress, "were you entertaining a man in the kitchen last evening?"
"Well, ma'am," replied Bridget, "that's for him to say. I did my best with the materials at hand, ma'am."
64)
Lady (to applicant for situation as a cook): Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"
Cook: "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues."
65)
The bell had rung half a dozen times. The indignant mistress of the house called to the new maid-of-all-work, "Who on earth keeps on ringing that bell, Jane?"
"It's only me mum," answered Jane calmly, "I wan't you down 'ere in a minute!"
66)
"How about references?" enquired a mistress.
"Oh, I like your looks," replied the applicant, "so I won't ask you for any references."
67)
Mistress: "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
Cook: You don't catch me cracking any more nuts today, I've very near broke me jaw already."
68)
"Oh, Mary," said the lady, breaking off her conversation with friends, "will you run upstairs and fetch that letter I left on my dressing table, please."
"Er-er-which one, mum?" enquired Mary.
"The one about your brother's wedding or the vicar's letter about the bazaar?"
69)
Master: "Bridget, give this note to your mistress when she returns. Do not forget it."
Bridget: "All right sor. Oi'll put it in the trousers you have took off, sor, to be sure."
70)
The nursemaid arrived home in a terrible state of panic.
"Madame," she cried, "I've been and gone and lost Ivy."
"But why on earth didn't you speak to a policeman, you silly girl?" asked the distracted mother.
"I was!" answered the nursemaid.
71)
Mistress to servant: "Cull and wash those strawberries for tea."
Later at the table: "Nora, where are those berries I told you we would have for tea."
"Faith," replied Nora, "They're in the taypot, mum."
72)
Mistress, to new (and very raw) maid: "When you answer me, Mary, you should say 'Yes, ma'am,' or 'No, ma'am'"
New maid (obligingly): "Right-o!"
73)
A miserable man was left outside a shop in Oxford Street by his wife. He waited for an hour, and then approached a policeman. "For the lord's sake," he said, "order me to move on, loudly and sternly."
74)
Betty: "Is it any harm to steal a kiss?"
Billy: "Well, I knew a young man who stole a kiss and recieved the full penalty."
Betty: "And what was the penalty?"
Billy: "Hard labour for life as a husband."
75)
"I once loved a young girl, but, alas! she wasn't made for me."
"Then you didn't marry her?"
"Yes, I did. That's why I know."
76)
Wife: You shouldn't kick about the poor quality of biscuits that I make."
Husband: "And why not?"
Wife: "Because I don't kick about the small quality of dough you make."
77)
Wife: "If I should die you would never get another wife like me."
Husband: "Well, I hope not."
78)
Lady: "Bridget, did the boy bring the dressed chickens I ordered?"
Bridget: "He brought thim, but, shure, they be not drissed al all; not even the feathers be on 'em."
79)
Girls, if you can't get a husband get a dog that growls all morning, a parrot that swears in the afternoon, and a cat that stays out all night, and you'll know exactly what married life is.
80)
A little boy says his father only laughed once after he married mother, and that was when she caught her tongue in the wringer.
81)
"Kate, please make John some sauce for dinner."
"No, ma'am; this marnin', whin he hugged and kissed me, he tould me not to give him any sauce."
82)
Smith: "I say, Brown, why do you wear that shocking brown hat?"
Brown: "Because my wife declares she won't go out with me until I get a new one!"
83)
A housekeeper advertised recently for a wet nurse. A young Irish girl offered herself.
"How old are you, Bridget?" said the dame.
"Sixteen, plaise, ma'am."
"Have you ever had a baby?"
"No, ma'am, but I am very fond of them."
"Then, I'm afraid, Bridget, you will not do for me. It is a wet nurse I want."
"O, please, ma'am, I know I'll do; I'm very easy to teach."
84)
You told me to boil the water, ma'am, and I've been boiling it an hour and a half. I want to know if it's done yet.
85)
Mistress: "Get dinner today on the oil stove, Bridget."
Bridget: "Plaze, mum, I did thry, but the stove wint out."
Mistress: "Try again, then."
Bridget: "Yis, mum, but it's not come back yit. It went out through the roof."
86)
"Look here, confound you! I won't have this. Do you think I'm a fool?"
"Shure, sorr, Oi can't say, sorr. I only came here yestherday."
87)
The new maid was flurried at the time, and told her mistress she had forgotten to wash the lettuce.
"Never mind," said the kindly mistress, "get on with what you are doing, I'll wash the lettuce, where's the soap?"
88)
Daughter, trying on a beautiful skunk fur coat: "Isn't it wonderful, mamma, that such a mean little skunk can give me such a beautiful coat?"
"Hush, dear, I won't hear you speak of your father like that!"
89)
"And I suppose you can show me some testimonials?"
"I'm sorry, mum, but I've gone an' left 'em at 'ome! But I can assure you, mum, that in my lar's place, every morning I was up at four, and I made me fire, put me kettle on, got the breakfast, and made all the beds before anyone else in the 'ouse was up."
90)
Biddy: "Pat, ye remimber the wathermilion, as ye called it, ye brought home lasht night?"
Pat: "Faith, an Oi do."
Biddy: "Well, Oi put it in the pot to boil it fer yer dinner, an' whin Oi lifeted aff th' lid, begorra, there was a big pot full av nothing."
91)
Husband (with lathered face): "My razor won't cut at all!"
Wife (in surprise): "Why, Joe, you don't mean to tell me that your beard is tougher than the oilcloth!"
92)
A woman who was charged with assaulting a rate collector said, "It was his own fault. He came after dark, and I thought it was my husband."
93)
Mistress (to new cook): "We wan't you to do your best tonight as a few friends are coming to a musical evening."
Cook (coyly): "Well, really I haven't sung for years, but if it's any help to you put me down for 'Sing Me to Sleep.'"
94)
Mistress: "Hang those clothes on the horse to dry, Bridget."
Bridget: "Yis, ma'am."
Mistress (one hour later): "What is that noise down there, Bridget?"
Bridget: "Shure, Oi jist caught the horse now ma'am, but Oi can't get him into the kitchen at all, at all."
95)
Mistress: "Bridget, I have put the meat in the oven. Don't forget to baste it."
Bridget: "Shure Oi will, ma'am, if you give me a needle and thread."
96)
Mistress (indicating cobweb): "Haven't you seen this?"
New maid: "Yes'm; somefink to do wiv' your wirless, ain't it?"
97)
She was engaging a new parlourmaid. "Of course, madam," said the girl, "you won't expect me to sweep?"
"Oh, no, indeed."
"Nor answer the doorbell?"
"Certainly not."
"Nor-"
"No, no,"the mistress interrupted graciously, "I expect none of these things from a parlourmaid. I only want her to look at, and for that you are too plain."
98)
"My wife," said Robinson, "is a wonderful woman. I don't believe she can tell alie. She's a treasure."
"You're certainly lucky." said Brown, "My wife can tell a lie the moment it comes off her tongue."
99)
After she had admitted the simple looking young man each day for a week, the maid went indignantly to her mistress.
"I'm going to leave, ma'am." she said.
"Why, Mary. I can see no reason."
"It's just this, ma'am. I can't bear that young man who calls on Miss Ethel."
"But he doesn't call to see you! What do you complain of?"
"Well , ma'am, the neighbours might think he does."
100)
Master: "Here, Mary, what's the matter with this dog? You know he's never been allowed at the dinner table. He's watching every mouthful I eat, and won't be driven away."
Mary: "I think you've got his plate, sir."
101)
"Bridget, what is the clock doing on the range?" asked a mistress one morning when she entered the kitchen and saw the clock occupying a place on the range.
"Didn't you tell me ter boil the eggs five minutes by the clock?" enquired the cook.
102)
"In my last place," said the new parlourmaid to the cook, "I always managed to take things fairly easy."
The cook closed one eye and held her finger to her nose, "You'll find it different here," she said, "they keep everything locked up."
103)
Father wrote to his son's teacher asking for a school report. Back came the report. "Your son talks to much."
"Ah," said father, "you ought to hear his mother."
104)
"Sometimes," said the mistress to the new maid, "it will be necessary for you to assist the butler upstairs."
"I understand, madam," said the maid, "when he's had one over the eight."
105)
A cookery schoolgirl said to the servant one day, "Mary, what did you do with that cake I baked yesterday? My young man is here and I want to give him some."
"If you'll take my advice, miss" said Mary, "You won't give him any; he seems a nice young man, and I wouldn't discourage him if I was you!"
106)
The housemaid, tidying the stairs he morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver, "Someone of the company had a hole in his pocket!"
107)
"Look here, Jane." said the mistress, reprovingly, "This chair is covered in dust."
"Yessum," answered the imperturbable Jane, "I rekon nobody ain't sat in it lately, 'm."
108)
Mrs. Sharpe (severley): "Norah, I can find only seven of these plates. Where are the other five?"
Cook ( in surprise): "Sur, mum, don't ye make no allowance for ordinary wear an' tear?"
109)
Lady: "Bridget, I want you to run down to the store and order some cakes; I expect company to-night."
Bridget: "Sure, ma'am, Oi wuz jist comin' to tell you to run down and order some, for Oim expectin' company mesilf tonight."
110)
A lady hearing sounds of mirth ascending from the lower regions of her house one night, rang the bell and inquired of the servant, "Is that hilarity I hear in the kitchen, Bridget?"
"No, ma'am," was the reply, "it's Mr. Murphy, and the jokes of him would make the pope himself laugh."
111)
The charlady, talking to her mistress: "Our new lodger came last night, but 'es no class, not a bit better thant'other one we chucked out. Do you know, when 'e was' 'aving a cup of cocoa last night, 'e didn't just breathe on it like you or me would, 'e turned it straight out onto 'is saucer."
112)
"Look here," said the master to the new maid, "Why did you tell your mistress what time I came home when I told you not to?"
"I didn't," replied the maid, "she asked me what time you got in, and I told her I was busy getting breakfast ready to look at the clock."
113)
"Mary, cook those eggs for lunch very soft."
Mary (two hours later): "Oi think yez will hev to do without thim aigs. Oi hev biled thim two hours, an' they ain't soft yet."
114)
A lady one day, being in need of some small change, called downstairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any coppers down there?"
"Yes, mum, I've two; but, if you please, mum, their both my cousins!" was the unexpected surprise.
115)
Husband (shaving): "My dear, I can't think what's wrong with my shaving brush; it's all hard and won't bend, and I'm sure it was all right yesterday."
Wife: "Yes, I'm sure it was all right yesterday, dear, because when I touched up the paint on the greenhouse door it was in lovely condition then."
116)
Mistress: ""Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?"
Maid: " I'm very sorry, mum; I was accidentally dusting."
117)
"Look here, Mary, this steak is quite black. How do you account for it?"
"Well, sor, I don't rightly know, sir, unless it's because the cook's uncle just died."
118)
Polite piano tuner (making a business call): "If you please, I have come to the 'Grand.'"
New maid (answering the door): "Well, my fine fellow, you can 'op it. We don't want none of your airs 'ere."
119)
"Do you think that young policeman who calls here so often means business, Norah?" said an enquiring lady.
"I think he do, mum," answered the blushing cook, "He's begun to complain about my cooking already."
120)
"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services any longer."
The husband, who was present, afterwards expressed his surprise at the final clause.
"But it's true," the wife answered, "the dishes she smashed cost twice her wages."
121)
He ( reading paper): "The servant put some gunpowder in the fire, and she was blown through the roof."
She (sypathetically): "Poor Mrs White has so much trouble with her girls. That makes the fourth that's left her without notice."
122)
"Mary," said the mistress sternly, "never let me catch you kissing the policeman again."
"Lor, mum, I hope not!" replied Mary, "But you do bob up so!"
123)
Noticing a smell of burning, a mistress ran into her kitchen and saw a part of her fireplace on fire. Seeing a kettle of water on the fire she asked her maid, "Why didn't you put out the fire with the kettle of water?"
"But, ma'am," said Mary, "Sure, it was boiling water!"