My ex didn't tell me she had a daughter until after we were married ! [Archive]

joebloggs

2nd January 2011, 13:08

not long :D

why didn't she tell you ? becuase :Erm: some people dont want any extra 'baggage' :NoNo:

it took my misses along time to tell me she had a son, the way she was going on about it , i was begining to think she killed someone :NoNo:, when she finally told me, i just said 'no problems' , he's been no trouble at all :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Sim11UK

2nd January 2011, 13:23

About 0.000001 of a second :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Terpe

2nd January 2011, 13:37

Graham, maybe she was really worried about what would happen when she told you.
Insecurity.:doh

grahamw48

2nd January 2011, 13:52

Hi people.

Well, she'd already told me she had a son when we first met, and to be honest it took a lot of soul-searching on my part to accept that I may be acquiring an 'instant family'...me being a single man at the time. :rolleyes:

So I guess my reaction to the first one made it doubly hard to confess to the second. :Erm:

They're big kids now.
My step-daughter is away continuing her university studies in New York, and my step-son is also away at Uni'. He did pop by the other day though.

http://img638.imageshack.us/img638/4710/lizzieandemman.jpg

mickcant

2nd January 2011, 14:56

Hi Graham,:Wave:
I am not sure how to put this so apologies if it sounds harsh I do not mean it like that.
At least you were told about her children before you married (I think)

My wife conceived a child by another man after we married and before she eventually came to the UK to join me!

I was pulling my hair out on why the spousal settlement visa was taking so long, it was that she had not put the application in when heavily pregnant, when she did finally arrive here she never said anything about the baby, even when I begged her to come to marriage guidance, when she could have told me.

I would have accepted the baby, it was not his fault, she told lies to cover up lies!

I found out about the baby after I started to divorce her.
Mick.:cwm23:

grahamw48

2nd January 2011, 16:24

Hmm...don't think I could have tolerated what you went through. :Erm:

When I first started seeing the ex, she told me she had a 3 year-old son (she was single).

THEN after we 'd been married about 4 months confessed that she also had a daughter 2 years younger than the boy.

Aint life great. :rolleyes:

joebloggs

2nd January 2011, 20:29

Aint life great. :rolleyes:

life sure is :rolleyes:, thou i'm sure thats one good thing your ex left you with, a beautiful step daughter :xxgrinning--00xx3:

gWaPito

2nd January 2011, 21:24

You mentioned the word 'tolerate' Until we are in these situations, none of us know what our limitations are. Example Graham, you said you dont think you could of tolerated what Mick had to endure. I put it to you Graham, I dont think I could of tolerated what you endured. Not your daughter! Im meaning the deception. But, I cant put my hand on my heart and say 'i cant do this' In my younger years maybe. I have found as I have got older I have gained more charity and compassion in my heart. Im sure a lot of use older guys can say this? You have done a good job of there upbringing Graham, they are a credit to you. I take my hat off!

grahamw48

2nd January 2011, 21:41

Ah thanks.
I think we all just deal with things as they come along in life. :)

Good news is my son (17) came home from Sweden today, a day early, so I've some company again...and of course I'm not worrying about him. :rolleyes:

Also my lovely step-daughter (21) has just messaged me to let me know that she's managed to get an apartment with friends in Brooklyn, and to wish me a happy new year too, so I'm feeling quite blessed today. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

beppe

25th January 2011, 08:59

A big issue is trust in similar circumstances. I have some skepticism regarding Filipinos way of life, family and else.

grahamw48

5th February 2011, 00:32

My lovely step-daughter all grown up now, and working in New York for a year as part of her course at Nottingham University. :)

http://img708.imageshack.us/img708/193/65353249.jpg

I'm so happy for her now, and we're often in touch.

stevewool

5th February 2011, 09:35

i would not have mind if Emma had children, it was emma that i fell in love with and being that little older and wiser:icon_lol:, i would have welcomed the thought, i have 2 adopted children already and the thought of anymore well it all sounds ok to me , graham you are truely an amazing guy , the life you have had already most of us would never see, i wish what is left in my life is a little like what you have experianced

Jimbojac

5th February 2011, 10:32

0.5 of a second? :)

FertileOne

27th March 2011, 14:12

I think it can be a tough thing for many men, to raise essentially another man's child. But lots of people do it, and it probably seems more daunting at first, but then people get used to it. What makes someone your child is not really the flesh and blood (genetic linkage), it's really the bonding over the years.

It does seem strange how your wife told you about one child before marriage, and the other after marriage. I'd've thought there'd be pretty much two camps. Those who would only marry a woman if she had no baggage (zero kids), and those that would marry a woman regardless of how much baggage she has (1+ kids).

Under these 'arrangements' (Young Foreign Bride-Older Western Male), I figured it'd be quite common for the guy to already have his own children, that would be pretty much all grown up by then. So when you're already coming with baggage (albeit grown up baggage), another person's baggage doesn't seem so daunting. I guess it depends on what your intentions are with your new young wife, and whether you have an interest in starting a second family (or whether she has an interest in having kids).

grahamw48

27th March 2011, 15:22

Like most things in life you have to adjust to new situations.

I had neither intended to get married nor have kids, right up until my late thirties.
Took me until I was 32 until I felt like an adult to be honest. We're all different.

You just have to decide if you are willing to take new challenges on, and do 'the right thing' when getting involved in the lives of other people.

sars_notd_virus

27th March 2011, 21:12

I think we all just deal with things as they come along in life. :)

Like most things in life you have to adjust to new situations.

You just have to decide if you are willing to take new challenges on, and do 'the right thing' when getting involved in the lives of other people.

Reading those wonderful lines and seeing those pictures, I never wonder why your daughter and son are so proud of you Graham!!...youre more than like a real dad to them :xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

My ex didn't tell me she had a daughter until after we were married !

the past will always be a part of the future,maybe you ex is afraid how you will accept her past,..it is always good to lay our cards before we start each relationship ,start in a clean sheet they say..but in the end, you are blessed with those 2 wonderful children ..well done you!!:):xxgrinning--00xx3:

grahamw48

27th March 2011, 23:36

Thanks....now you're making me blush. :icon_lol:
I'm far from perfect.

I just try to learn from the many many many mistakes I've made in my life. :rolleyes:

I think losing my kind, gentle and beautiful fiancee when she was only in her 20s (road accident) had a major effect on me, and made me a more compassionate and understanding person generally. She and her twin sister had been adopted at the age of 6 years by a lovely couple who had spent their lives fostering children. They had adopted another pair of mixed race twins too (boys), as well as having a child of their own AND an adopted girl.

Their house was full of joy.

This shining example of selflessness and human kindness wasn't lost on me, and made me realise that helping others along the way in life can be a pleasure above all else, although perhaps our first instinct is to 'play safe' and walk on by.

It's off-topic on this forum, but here is one of the few pictures I have of my fiancee, may she rest in peace. She is on the left in the blue jumper. Her twin sister is also there...plus me. They were both nurses.

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/1088/medebbieandlesley.jpg

keithAngel

28th March 2011, 06:36

5008

My Missus has a daughter to and for me that added to our relationship since I wont be starting any new ones myself and she keeps me on my toes:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Tawi2

28th March 2011, 16:10

those that would marry a woman regardless of how much baggage she has (1+ kids)
Kids arent ever baggage,a house filled with kids is a home:)

Young Foreign Bride-Older Western Male
We dont all fall into that category,we are all individuals,everyone has differing experiences in life:)
Graham,your a decent geezer;)

Englishman2010

28th March 2011, 16:33

You must be very proud of her Graham, she's a beautiful young woman

grahamw48

28th March 2011, 17:22

Tawi2

28th March 2011, 17:42

Just wish I could stop worrying about them.
I dont think we ever do:icon_lol:My kids got a girlfriend now,he is starting to be his own man at the age of 14,the funny thing is he now says he worries about me:Erm::icon_lol:

Englishman2010

28th March 2011, 17:58

Yes, I am proud of her....thanks.
Well, proud of them all actually. :D

Just wish I could stop worrying about them. :rolleyes:

They can't stay children forever, but I do miss our shopping trips to Toys 'R' Us in Hong Kong....or anywhere. I love buying toys ! :icon_lol:

.
http://img691.imageshack.us/img691/5355/hongkongpics059.jpg

You'll never stop worring about the people you love, especially your kids.

I love shopping with my kids, even if they do keep asking if they can have everything:icon_lol:

The strange thing is, I hate shopping with women, but I love to take my daughter clothes shopping. If someone had told me before she was born that I'd enjoy going shopping for little girls pink clothes I'd have laughed at them:icon_lol:but I'll take any opportunity to be with my kids and see them enjoying themselves:)

sars_notd_virus

28th March 2011, 18:15

Thanks....now you're making me blush. :icon_lol:
I'm far from perfect.

I just try to learn from the many many many mistakes I've made in my life. :rolleyes:

wonderful picture graham!!( don't blush this time):D

kids grow up so fast these days,...my little daughter nearly drag me and hubby to play out on the green last weekend,...she's on her heelys, and occasionally flipping backwards and wants us to join her:omg: common mum and dad she said why cant you both play with me while your still both young?? :icon_lol: ..we almost fall apart laughing:laugher:

joebloggs

28th March 2011, 18:33

Kids arent ever baggage,a house filled with kids is a home:)

Graham,your a decent geezer;)

so right tawi2 :xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3: , for years the house i lived in was a :bigcry::cwm24: place, until the kids came along, and now it's a house full of :Hellooo::laugher::Jump:

tawi2 i'm sure your a :xxgrinning--00xx3: father to :rolleyes:

Just wish I could stop worrying about them. :rolleyes:

They can't stay children forever, but I do miss our shopping trips to Toys 'R' Us in Hong Kong....or anywhere. I love buying toys ! :icon_lol:

true they dont stay children forever, but like my stepson, they have kids of their own :xxgrinning--00xx3:

from grandpa joe :xxgrinning--00xx3:

grahamw48

29th March 2011, 00:01

Toy tidy up time...so rare an occasion it was worth recording.:icon_lol:

.
http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/5940/richinpiwithtoys.jpg

gWaPito

29th March 2011, 11:40

The wife went out the other day before I went to work. The silence was deafening. Brought back memories of my dark period.

I can't wait to have the sounds of babies ringing in my ears again!

joebloggs

29th March 2011, 13:06

I can't wait to have the sounds of babies ringing in my ears again!

:xxgrinning--00xx3: what time can i drop littlejoe off ? :rolleyes:

FertileOne

29th March 2011, 13:38

Kids arent ever baggage,a house filled with kids is a home:)

I agree (although meant 'baggage' in the usage used in this topic), makes a house so much livelier. I love playing with kids, they see me as a big kid. My landlord's daughter always 'bothers' me when she finishes school every day. Kids are imaginative and non-judgemental. At christmas and birthday's it's always a good excuse to buy some lego or a cool new toy. I can hardly go in Toys R Us and get myself some electronic/gadget set. I look forward to the day when I raise my own kids, I know I'll be a great parent. :)

We dont all fall into that category,we are all individuals,everyone has differing experiences in life:)

Apologies, I didn't mean to imply generalisation. But was referring to only those that were coming into such relationships with their own baggage, which may not be the norm, but is still a significant number. :)