Fred`s 2011 joke thread!!

[fred]

Crickey...Is it that time of year already?? Better get going then..
Nice PC one to kick off..



Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds; I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list.

[Doc Alan]

Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, here's a STC (Senior Texting Code)
* ATD At The Doctor's
* BTW Bring The Wheelchair
* BYOT Bring Your Own Teeth
* DWI Driving While Incontinent
* FWB Friend With Beta Blockers
* FWIW Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM had Good Bowel Movement
" IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On ?
* LMDO Laughing My Dentures Out
* ROFL ...CGU Rolling On The Floor Laughing ...Can't Get Up
* TTYL Talk To You Louder
Only problem is ... remembering them ! :yikes:

[grahamw48]

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!" :)

[Dedworth]

Bloke goes to a brothel.
''How much do you charge for total humiliation?'' he asks

The Madam replies £42.50

The bloke is clearly pleased at the price given and enquires further ''wow that sounds like a bargain, what exactly do I get for that?''

''A replica Liverpool FC shirt to walk around in'', she replies

[fred]

Why is there always one that always wants to spoil the picture?


http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-11/868photo.jpg

[fred]

Jasper the Great Dane was down at the Vets when he got chatting to Rory the Jack Russel.
Jasper - Hi Rory what are you here for?
Rory - Well I hate cats and I saw my chance and attacked our neighbours cat giving it a good thrashing.
Jasper - Well why are you here?
Rory - I'm going to be castrated in an attempt to control my aggression.Why are you here?
Jasper - Well the misses was bending naked over the bath and I just couldn't control myself.Up I jumped and gave her one doggy style.
Rory - Wow I suppose you're for the chop as well?
Jasper - No I'm here to have my nails clipped.

[fred]

A bloke notices a tasty bird givin him the eye in the supermarket. 'do i know u?' he asks. she says 'aren't u the dad of 1 of my kids?' he thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says 'were u the hooker i ****** over the pool table at my stag do while ur mate spanked me wi a piece of wet celery while shovin that massive cucumber up my ****?' she stares at him and says 'no, i'm ur daughter's teacher.

[fred]

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"*******s!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate,"... I handed him my tenner and left.

[fred]

Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!”

The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny ******* you!”

Guy replies “No seriously, the football starts in 2 minutes... **** off upstairs!”

[fred]

I was in a shop and a man was throwing milk cheese and yogurt at me

I thought how dairy!!

[fred]

http://www.rivingtonbarn.com/files/ymca_132.jpg

[fred]

http://cellar.org/2006/Ruth.jpg

[fred]

After the humiliation of losing the ashes bar owners in Queensland have reported customers are finally starting to drift back.

[fred]

Pouring boiling water into a teacup after adding milk is simply a hangover from the days when boiling water would crack cheap cups

[fred]

England and Australia wore black armbands during the 20-20 match in Adelaide in respect of the flooding in Brisbane and Queensland.

Better safe than sorry.

[fred]

http://i257.photobucket.com/albums/hh207/gafferkb/old_age_physical.gif

[Doc Alan]

My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs :doh.

[AnaWallace]

I approached this fat bird in a nightclub and asked if she had a pen,
she was all excited about the fact a man had shown a interest in her, so she gave me a smile and said "yes i have"
I said " Well you better get back in the ****** before the farmer discovers you got out"

[les_taxi]

I was in a shop and a man was throwing milk cheese and yogurt at me

I thought how dairy!!

Yes he complained his wine tasted off-I said it's just sour grapes

[fred]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day
and all the patients were shouting '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap
in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bugger poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[fred]

I got home from work early and found my wife on a porn site. I am going to speak to her about it when she gets home.

[fred]

I was sitting on the train this morning, a really sexy Thai bird sat next to me.
I thought to myself, "please don`t get an erection, please don`t get an erection".
But she did.

[fred]

4715

[fred]

It's been announced that Elton John will be divorcing his civil partner, David Furnish. Apparently he has been having sex behind his back

[fred]

Outside every thin girl there's a fat man trying to get in.

[fred]

Has your wife of girlfriend put on a little weight over
the festive period?

If so, encourage her to walk three miles in the morning
and then three miles again in the evening. By the end of
the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away.

[fred]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says "I clocked you at over 80 miles per hour, sir".
The driver says "No officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar needs recalibrating."
The wife in the passenger seat says "Now don't be silly dear you know we don't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over to his wife and growls "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off and gave you a chance to slow down a bit"
As the police officer makes out the ticket for the illegal radar detector unit the man growls to his wife "Damn it woman why can't you just keep your mouth shut?".
The officer frowns and says "And I notice your not wearing your seat belt, that's an automatic £40 fine."
The driver says "Yeah well officer I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over."
The wife says "Now dear you know very well you didn't have your belt on, you never wear it"
As the officer is writing out the next ticket the driver again growls to his wife "Why don't you just keep your mouth shut!!"
The officer turns to the man's wife and says "Does your husband always speak to you like that madam?"
The woman says ...

...




"Only when he been drinking"

[fred]

THE EX-GIRLFRIEND STORY...



I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We
lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up
and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm
bit older and a bit greyer than when you last saw me."

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying

that she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.



........so I told her to **** off.

[fred]

http://img353.imageshack.us/img353/4462/cid003701c709b9fbed6f70lc0.jpg

[fred]

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to

say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me

managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and

asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the

road'

[fred]

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'

I said, 'No, permanent

[fred]

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It

was a turtle disaster

[fred]

http://i30.tinypic.com/f0q3hu.jpg

[fred]

http://i26.tinypic.com/2h4c391.jpg

[fred]

Q: Why is our British weather like a Muslim?

A: Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

[fred]

http://i28.tinypic.com/2mgqb0h.jpg

[fred]

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c74/perry_tmc/funny.jpg

[fred]

http://www.flateric.biz/downloads/BangCock.jpg

[fred]

http://www.flateric.biz/downloads/johnny1.jpg

[fred]

http://www.flateric.biz/downloads/workeffort.jpg

[fred]

http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/5776/cid224c0000052f800442eamj4.jpg

[fred]

An elderly couple were attending a church service.

About half way through, she leans over and says to her husband and says,
"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[fred]

http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/6681/cid2235c000052f800442eact8.jpg

[fred]

Friday Afternoon Verses Monday morning.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DW96c-Tf_A

[fred]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/f2210.jpghttp://s297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/?action=view&current=f2210.jpghttp://s297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/?action=view&current=f2210.jpg

[fred]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/7aaa.jpg

[fred]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/image01010.jpg

[fred]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/f7b4.jpg

[fred]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/ca3e.jpg

[fred]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/6e6a.jpg

[fred]

http://i29.tinypic.com/jkk8s3.jpg

[fred]

http://i29.tinypic.com/2eme92b.jpg

[fred]

Very rare photo of the 1940 Tour de France:

http://i.imgur.com/J1kt8.jpg

[fred]

I was telling the wife that an old bloke had just driven by on a tractor, shouting 'The end of the world is upon us!'.

She said 'that sounds like farmer Geddon'.

[fred]

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

[fred]

Little Johnny got kicked out of maths class today. The Teacher said to him: "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Claire and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Aparently, three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab was not correct.

[fred]

http://www.offensive-jokes.com/pictures/1222947284image00110.jpg

[fred]

What's the difference between 'Iron Man' & 'Iron Woman'??

Iron Man is a Superhero.......
Iron Woman is an instruction.

[fred]

Beware.... Beer..and what it does.:NoNo:

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

[fred]

After all this controversy, I phoned up Sky Sports to cancel my subscription last night.
The woman on the phoned said "can I ask you why sir?"
I replied "could you put a bloke on the phone love?"

[fred]

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".

[fred]

A time traveller walks into a bar...

[Terpe]

Beware.... Beer..and what it does.:NoNo:

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf

OMG :omg:
I swear that nearly happened to me one time. Really.:)

[Anakin]

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

[fred]

saw my mate outside the doctor's today looking really worried.
"what's the matter?" i asked.
"i've got the big c,"he said.
"what, cancer?"
"no, dyslexia."

lol

[fred]

My chinese neighbour died last week , but nobody went to his funeral.
Unbereavable

[fred]

http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/1690/carsd.gif

[Anakin]

Instead of giving me a hand job, my girlfriend tried using her keyring.

I felt like I was being fobbed off.

[Anakin]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

[bruneicop]

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.


I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."


She said, "You watch porn."



Bitch!!!!!

[bruneicop]

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.......




NOTHING

[bruneicop]

This sexy bird looked at my beer belly and said "Is that carlsberg or tetleys? " I replied" "theres a tap underneath love if u wanna taste it!"

[fred]

An englishman,scotsman,welshman,irishman,frenchman, spaniard,swiss, norwegian,dane,german,austrian,canadian,american,brazilian,chinese, japanese,australian,indian,pakistani,iraqi,afgan,eskimo and a cuban walk into a pub. The barman says "sorry guys, you can't come in here without a Thai".

[Anakin]

Just been offered a new job by some bloke in the pub £900 per week
working for the British Brittle Bones Society. Did I take it? Bloody right,
I snapped his hand off!

[simpleHeart]

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.^_^

[simpleHeart]

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?" :-)

[simpleHeart]

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many
Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting
"F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

[grahamw48]

If you watch 127 Hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

[Anakin]

The new administration in Egypt is keen to see Cairo get back to normal. One feature of the city is the continuous background noise of car horns. The government has therefore asked all Cairo taxi drivers to keep using their horns to make everyone feel more comfortable.

The initiative has been called Operation Toot n Calm 'em.

:NoNo:

[fred]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (FA)
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

[simpleHeart]

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

:yikes::omg::laugher:

[simpleHeart]

Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, here's a STC (Senior Texting Code)
* ATD At The Doctor's
* BTW Bring The Wheelchair
* BYOT Bring Your Own Teeth
* DWI Driving While Incontinent
* FWB Friend With Beta Blockers
* FWIW Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM had Good Bowel Movement
" IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On ?
* LMDO Laughing My Dentures Out
* ROFL ...CGU Rolling On The Floor Laughing ...Can't Get Up
* TTYL Talk To You Louder
Only problem is ... remembering them ! :yikes:
:doh:doh:doh

[simpleHeart]

http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/1690/carsd.gif

:xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

I thought you would like that one simpleheart!!:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

What do Chinese men do when they have erections?

Vote.

[fred]

A goldfish walks into a bar, Jumps up on a bar stool and looks at the barman really hard.
The bartender asks the goldfish, "What can I get you?"
The Goldfish looks at the guy really deep and hard and in a desperate gasp says "Water."

[fred]

went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

[fred]

Having a smoke outside the pub last night,and this ...... in a wheelchair
said to me,"why do you smoke when you don't need to".I looked at him and asked."Why the .... are you wearing trainers.???

[fred]

WARNING. JOKE INTERLUDE AND PAUSE FOR THOUGHT ALERT.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.



"Not very long," answered the Mexican.



"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.



The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.



The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"



"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."



The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."



"And after that?" asked the Mexican.



"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."



"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.



"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.



"And after that?"



"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"



"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.



"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."



And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.

[grahamw48]

Hahaha !

In many cases, so very true.

Now where does that way of life remind me of ? :Erm:

[fred]

http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-54/6829912df733e1f5914d927e405f222e84bc.jpg

[fred]

A bloke on a tractor just drove passed shouting
"The end is nigh, the end is nigh!!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon!

[fred]

A Japanese government spokesman has asked members of the public not to attend the funerals of the Tsunami victims, because of radiation risks.
Its really 'unbereavable', he said.

[fred]

There was a young man from Japan
who once fell asleep in his van
woke up in the night
with a terrible fright
and now finds himself in Taiwan

[fred]

I was sat on the bus this morning when I noticed this beautiful young woman
sitting next to me who was reading a book entitled 'Strange but true sexual
facts'.

Interesting I ask,

Yes she replies, did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the thickest? Oh I'm sorry she continued, my name's Helen and your's ?

###### Tonto O'Reilly ######

[fred]

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f271/SweetRevenge791/GIf%20Photos/kangaroo_kicks_water.gif

[fred]

http://i53.tinypic.com/ddyrkh.gif/

[fred]

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell .... cream?"

Chemist replies "Magnum or Cornetto?"

[scott&ligaya]

A little girl spies her mummy and daddy through the bderoom keyhole and thinks to herself..... and that cow tells ME off for sucking my thumb :yikes::yikes:

[fred]

The teacher asked her pupils to give her examples where you would use the word contagious.

Little Tommy puts up his hand and says "My Father had swine flu, it is very contagious"

Michael puts his hand up and says " my cousin has a blood disorder, luckily it isn't contagious.

The teacher says "very well done, is there any other examples?

Paddy puts up his hand and says " My neighbour is painting the outside of his house, it will take the contagious"

[fred]

Paddy's wife was about ready to give birth so he rushed her to the hospital.
On arrival, the attending nurse asked, "How dilated is she?".
Paddy replied, "Oh jaysus , we're BOTH over the moon!"

[scott&ligaya]

Johhny gets caught at school with his pet cat in his schoolbag..... when asked why he had brought his pet to school he replied WELL Ms I overheard the postman say to my mum that when the kids were gone he was going to eat her p**sy!!!!:laugher::hubbahubba:

[fred]

What's big, long and hard and when erect makes women moan like crazy?

An ironing board.:ironing:

[grahamw48]

:icon_lol:

Keep em coming guys.

[fred]

A U.S fighter jet was flying over Lybia when the pilot noticed a flying carpet on each side of him, both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them both down. Back at base he got a right .......ing from his commander, turns out they were allied carpets.

[fred]

http://hostinga.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-01/7559ohgodbu2.gif

[fred]

Why did god invent lesbians?




So feminists wouldn’t breed

[fred]

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

[fred]

Did you hear about the guy that figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anyone

[fred]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner
..........talk about Dyson with death.

[fred]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door."Is there a problem Officer?"The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one.""You don't have one?"The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?""I'm sorry, I can't do that."The policeman says, "Why not?""I stole this car."The officer says, "Stole it?"The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?""She's in the boot if you want to see."The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?""One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.""Murdered the owner?"The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."The man replies, "I bet you the lying ....... told you I was speeding, too!

[fred]

They've sent my census form back!!

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I wrote :-

Asylum seekers
Travelling folk
Smack heads
Unemployable lazy sods
The cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show
Northern Rock
RBS
Half of bloody Eastern Europe


Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.

[fred]

How do you turn a pelican into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven till its Bill Withers....

[grahamw48]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

[fred]

Dominique Strauss-Kahn's lawyer has outlined the defence case they will be using in the trial -
his client was just doing his job trying to inject some liquidity into the Third World.

[fred]

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.:angry:

[fred]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/7-1.gif

[fred]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm213/stdunstan/9-1.jpg

[fred]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas?- No television?- No nude women?- No football?

No pork chops?- No hot dogs?- No burgers?- No beer?- No bacon?- Rags for clothes?- Towels for hats?

Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower?- More than one wife?- More than one mother in law?

You can't shave?- Your wife can't shave?- You can't wash off the smell of donkey?

You wipe your .... with your hand?- You cook over burning camel ....?

Your wife is picked by someone else?- Your wife smells worse than your donkey ?

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better?

It's not like it could get much worse.

[fred]

We've all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.

http://au.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f890%5fAGIJDUwAAPlvTf907ARIRlks9vc&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

[kate_th]

Why is there always one that always wants to spoil the picture?


http://hosting01.hotchyx.com/adult-image-hosting-11/868photo.jpg

he became nosy because he wanted to know wheres the new pub located.....:laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher:

[kate_th]

THE EX-GIRLFRIEND STORY...



I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We
lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up
and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm
bit older and a bit greyer than when you last saw me."

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying

that she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.



........so I told her to **** off.

hahaha.... i almost choked with the rice im eating here while reading this one...hahahahaha... laf out louderrrrrrrrr....:laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher:

[fred]

Italian Tomato Garden:



An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground
was hard his only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old
to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the
plot for me, like in the old days.


Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.


Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

[fred]

One armed waiters... they can dish it out but they can't take it!

[fred]

Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

[fred]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when She met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago? '


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'

They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.


The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[imagine]

:laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher:

[fred]

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?

[fred]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[fred]

http://i52.tinypic.com/2w74myo.jpghttp://tinypic.com/?ref=2w74myo

[fred]

25 bike riders have now been killed in the last week alone, Police have said it may be the work of a cycle path.

[fred]

THE CHAVS PRAYER...

Our boyfriend who art in prison. Even mum knows not dads name. Thy chavdom come, you'll read the sun, in Exmouth which is in Devon. Give us this day our welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO'S as we happy slap those who got ASBO'S against us. Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing. For thine is the chavdom, The burberry and The bacardi, Forever and Ever...
INNIT!

[Anakin]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole,
but we don't have a ladder..'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts
and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a thick feckin' blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!'

[Anakin]

BREAKING NEWS: two muslims have crashed a boat into the Thames Flood arrier.....Police believe it marks the end of ram a dam
-----

Some ....... has pinched a pair of my mr's knickers of the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers,but wants the 22 pegs back.

The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody of her
The child didn't look surprised.

[fred]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out “Being the last white man to be called Winston!'

[fred]

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
The McCartneys

[fred]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now **** off you ****'!!!

[fred]

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

[fred]

Thieving and looting across the country. London calls it 'an abomination', Birmingham calls it 'a disgrace', Liverpool calls it 'a Monday' :crazy:

[fred]

A group of Irish yobs have just set fire to a barbeque.

[fred]

A group of Irish yobs have just set fire to a barbeque.

[fred]

A group of Irish yobs have just set fire to a barbeque.

[Anakin]

thankfully the bloke who got eaten by a shark in the seychelles didnt suffer much...... he'd only been married 10 days..

[im_a_filipina]

Instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud :p