The Utter Nonsense Thread - Longest Forum Thread

[KeithD]

Well not the longest yet this being the first post but just talk about complete 'ollocks and keep it going :D

[Steve.r]

My nose is 2-1/8" long, what does that mean? :Rasp:

[KeithD]

You're a politician :)

[Steve.r]

You're a politician :)

I'm not that diplomatic :NoNo: but i like a good :xxaction-smiley-047

[Terpe]

My nose is 2-1/8" long, what does that mean? :Rasp:

It means it's not a foot. :D

[les_taxi]

When i pick up people in taxi they say their name to me "greenwood" I say no I'm Les:icon_lol:

[KeithD]

.....I say no I'm Les:icon_lol:

Sometimes I think I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body :cwm24: ..... did I read that right? :Erm:

[bruneicop]

never eat yellow snow!!!::Rasp:

[stevie c]

chelsea to win the premiership now that must be a load of ollocks :omg:

[KeithD]

never eat yellow snow!!!::Rasp:

I never eat white snow.... it may be salty :omg:

[raynaputi]

i love watching Keith dance!!! :egyptian::laugher:

[les_taxi]

When i need fuel i often find that filling stations are generally the best places to use,had no luck at Tk Max or McDonalds,Can't even get any at Betty's tea rooms either:NoNo:

[bornatbirth]

i like dried fish..sarap with fish sauce :)

[Steve.r]

i like dried fish..sarap with fish sauce :)

Some people have no taste

[bruneicop]

Dogs are more intelligent than humans.......................when was the last time you ever saw a dog stand on human sh*t!!!!:icon_lol:

[bornatbirth]

i wanna dress up as clown and have a custard pie fight :D

[bornatbirth]

Dogs are more intelligent than humans.......................when was the last time you ever saw a dog stand on human sh*t!!!!:icon_lol:

our family dog ate some other's dog :censored: when out walking him :crazy:

[les_taxi]

Would you eat a whole plate of dog poo for £10 million?

[bornatbirth]

is it fresh sloppy poo or hard dried poo :D

btw can you mix bagoong?

[fred]

Would you eat a whole plate of dog poo for £10 million?

Depends..
Would I be allowed to spice it up a bit? Some garlic,salt and pepper? Fry it up a bit?

[bruneicop]

Would you eat a whole plate of dog poo for £10 million?

YES, stick some pastry on the top and away i go!!!! hahah

[KeithD]

If you ate dog poo with dried fish, you'd never taste the poo :D

[bornatbirth]

If you ate dog poo with dried fish, you'd never taste the poo :D

my wife is about to win £10 million :icon_lol:

[raynaputi]

:repuke::cwm24::vomit-smiley-011::icon_eek::repuke:

[les_taxi]

Me and a mate discussed this years ago,he was going to mix it with lots of mash potato and curry powder,while I was gonna slow bake it til it was dried out,crispy,odourless and tasteless,mmm I'm hungry now:)

[Steve.r]

I am eating a chicken paste sanwich in brown nutty bread......... i AM TRYING NOT TO THINK OF DOG POO

[fred]

If you ate dog poo with dried fish, you'd never taste the poo :D

Yes..But is that allowed?

[bruneicop]

was just showing my missus this thread........................she is still retching......

[fred]

was just showing my missus this thread........................she is still retching......

Now she knows how we feel about dried fish!

[bruneicop]

Sasquatch's Testicles.....well it is utter *******s...

[sars_notd_virus]

Where do all the poo from the plane go??? ..Pissing it down???:Erm::D

[KeithD]

Where do all the poo from the plane go??? ..Pissing it down???:Erm::D

I usually flush over Manchester :Rasp:

[sars_notd_virus]

I usually flush over Manchester :Rasp:

Ahahaha:laughitupsmilie:

[Terpe]

Yes, I'm so very tired. For several years I've been blaming it on getting older,stress, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, climate change, hormone change, saccharin, obesity, dieting, excessive alcohol, smoking, breaking wind, sex and another dozen issues that make me wonder is this kind of life really worth the effort. Or should I find another?

But now I find it just "aint" none of these.

No

I'M TIRED Because I'm Overworked!

The total UK poulation is 60,113,205 million,
24,265,987 million are retired. That leaves 35,847,218 million to do the work.
There are 21,265,658 million in full time education. That leaves 14,581,560 million to do the work.
Of this 2,886,755 million are unemployed and 6,798,548 million are employed by the government.

That leaves 4,896,257 million to do the work.
1,050,387 are in the armed forces, which leaves 3,845,870 to do the work.

From that total, 3,662,925 are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving just 182,945 people to the work.

There are 95,018 in prisons and another 87,925 in hospitals.

That leaves just 2 people to do the work.

YOU AND ME

And you are sitting on your a**e reading this.


NO WONDER I'M :censored: TIRED

[gWaPito]

Good post Terpe. I fear you may have killed the thread, you mentioned work and the down trodden tax payer

[Terpe]

Oh no, :yikes: please somebody keep it going :icon_sorry:
Story of my life gWaPito, thread killer :doh

[Terpe]

Nonsense or what?
Is it true, that if nothing is true, then "nothing is true", is not true ??

[mickcant]

Im glad I had my dinner before reading about dog poo:doh
Must have picked a few tons up in my time though, in plastic bags:omg:
Mick.:)

[Tawi2]

If a firemans career can go up in flames,and a plumbers career can go down the drain can a hookers career go t*ts up or can she be laid off :Erm:

[Howerd]

Description:
Product features:
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LCD display, easy control and carry
Use mp3 card to storage recording files
Support mp3 files play
According data to create files, like 9th sep, 2009, the name of the file is “like 9th sep, 2009”
If the volume of the SD card is not enough, it will save the new recoding automatically.
The beginning of recording time will be not up 15s
Safety warning
Break out to emit smoke such as the machine or other abnormality phenomenon, please quick pull out power supply, avoid causing accident trouble
If the machine inner part the pour by rain or affect by damp and cold, please place this machine to dry in the air at the well ventilated place, slice to hate dry this machine with the heat otherwise easy to destroy by fire
Power cable and audio frequency output line and can not squeeze pull and drag, tie knot, hang a heavy thing, in order to prevent unique good luck layer damage, but cause short circuit or contact had and so o
Do not place this machine near the fire, heat, flame source and so on
If this machine such long time no need, please pull out power cable and battery

[sars_notd_virus]

Oh,so they have internet in the computers now?:Erm::D

[gWaPito]

Good idea, this thread :xxgrinning--00xx3: all the nonsense threads ie 'I wonder which way the wind will blow today' can come on this thread under a sub heading thus, freeing up the thread board to keep the good stuff in view longer :D:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[les_taxi]

Never got the saying "if a tree falls and no-one is around to hear it,does it make a sound" well of course it does:doh

[Steve.r]

Never got the saying "if a tree falls and no-one is around to hear it,does it make a sound" well of course it does:doh
So what happens to the sound? is it just wasted ?:Erm::Erm::Cuckoo:

[Terpe]

Never got the saying "if a tree falls and no-one is around to hear it,does it make a sound" well of course it does:doh

What is sound?
I'm no expert but if sound is a form of energy and is made when air molecules vibrate and move in a pattern called a sound waves.
Then surely our brain makes the sound?:Erm:

[bruneicop]

why do we never see white dog poo anymore???

[Steve.r]

What is sound?
I'm no expert but if sound is a form of energy and is made when air molecules vibrate and move in a pattern called a sound waves.
Then surely our brain makes the sound?:Erm:

Come on guys, we all know that Nigel needs to put this one to bed, he will have the perfect explaination

Earth calling Nigel.......Come in Nigel :crazy::Rasp:

[KeithD]

Nigel see's dead people :)

[Steve.r]

Nigel see's dead people :) Honestly though, Nigel sees things that no other normal human can see....:icon_lol:

[Englishman2010]

WARNING - ADULT HUMOUR

There was an old man from Pagoda
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her
I'll show you she said
As she jumped out of bed
and p155ed in his whisky and soda

There was a young lass from Mallacca
Who played with her boyfriends left knacker
one night it went tight
so she played with the right
and the :censored: shot off like a cracker

[aposhark]

COLEMANBALLS


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colemanballs

"Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out." - ALEX FERGUSON

"If we played like this every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent." - BRYAN ROBSON

"Such a positive move by Uruguay - bringing two players off and putting two players on." - JOHN HELM

"When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1." - LAWRIE McMENEMY

"The ball was literally glued to the back of his foot, into the back of the net." - ALAN PARRY

"Once you've had a bull terrier, you never want another dog. I've got six bull terriers, a rottweiler and a bulldog." – JULIAN DICKS

"Nicky Butt, he's another aptly named player. He joins things, brings one sentence to an end and starts another." - BARRY DAVIES

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve." - JOHN GREIG

"He'd no alternative but to make a needless tackle." - PAUL ELLIOTT

"The ball must be as slippery as a wet baby." - TONY GUBBA

"We pressed the self-destruct button ourselves." - BRIAN KIDD

"Welcome to Bologna on Capital Gold for England versus San Marino with Tennent's Pilsner, brewed with Czechoslovakian yeast for that extra Pilsner taste and England are one down." - JONATHAN PEARCE

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." - RAY WILKINS

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football?" - STUART HALL

"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." – RON AKTINSON

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals." - PETER WITHE

"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals." - ALAN GREEN

"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards." - PETER REID

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs." - ANDY GRAY

"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes." - STEVE COPPELL

"Rosenborg have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them." - BRIAN MOORE, ITV

"The lads really ran their socks into the ground." - ALEX FERGUSON

"That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal." - BRIAN MARWOOD

"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." - ALAN BALL

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold." - JIMMY HILL

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again." - TERRY VENABLES

"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs." - RON ATKINSON

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years." - MARTIN HODGE

"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet." - JAMES SANDERSON

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side." - MIKE INGHAM

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him." - BOBBY ROBSON

"The match will be shown on Match of The Day later this evening and if you don't want to know the result look away now as we show you Tony Adams lifting the Cup for Arsenal" - STEVE RIDER

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different." - TREVOR BROOKING

"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them." - MALCOLM McDONALD

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." - TOM FERRIE

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." - DAVE BASSETT

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."- BOBBY ROBSON, after England played Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup finals

"There's a rat in the camp trying to throw a spanner in the works." - CHRIS CATTLIN

"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem." - HOWARD WILKINSON

"I can count on the fingers of one hand ten games where we've caused our own downfall." - JOE KINNEAR

"Playing in Italy was like being in a foreign country." - IAN RUSH

"I promise results, not promises." - JOHN BOND

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds, totally against the run of play." - PETER LORENZO

"We can beat anyone on our day... so long as we score." - ALEX TOTTEN

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised." - IAN McNAIL

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales." - RON GREENWOOD

"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio." - GERRY FRANCIS

"No-one hands you cups on a plate." - TERRY McDERMOTT

"For Tony Adams to confess his alcoholism like that took a lot of bottle." - IAN WRIGHT

"My heart goes out to Graeme Souness." -BRIAN CLOUGH AS THE THEN-LIVERPOOL MANAGER RECOVERED FROM BYPASS SURGERY

"Don't sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" "I think it's 50-50." - JIMMY HILL and TERRY VENABLES

"And in the day's other football match, Manchester City and Norwich drew love-all." - FEMALE ANNOUNCER ON RADIO MANCHESTER

"Unfortunately it goes right down the goalkeeper's throat....where it hits him on the knees." - RON ATKINSON and JOHN HELM

"I am hoping to restore Nuneaton Borough to their former greatness." - MANAGER JOHN BARTON

"I've seen them on television on a Sunday morning most days of the week." - JACK CHARLTON ON ITALIAN PLAYERS

"The match was settled either side of half-time." - JOHN MOTSON

"And Wimbledon play Barnsley, so Plough Lane will be very busy." - CARLTON TV TRAFFIC ANNOUCEMENT FOUR YEARS AFTER THE DONS' MOVE TO SELHURST PARK

"Lee Sharpe has got dynamite in his shorts." - STUART HALL

"We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?" - BOBBY ROBSON ON WHETHER PAUL GASCOIGNE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE 1998 WORLD CUP IN FRANCE

"If they hadn't scored, we might have got a better result." - HOWARD WILKINSON

KEVIN KEEGAN KOLEMANBALLS From the mouth of English football's saviour...

"One of his strengths is not heading."

"He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted."

"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."

"England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different"

"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."

"Despite his white boots, he has real pace..."

"That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved."

"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 20s or 30s."

"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today."

"The ref was vertically 15 yards away."

"The tide is very much in our court now."

"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him."

"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."

[KeithD]

This message has been deleted by aposhark (http://filipinaroses.com/showthread.php/member.php/2059-aposhark).



:laugher::laugher::laugher: Best one yet :D

[joebloggs]

no time to :ReadIt: all this.
time to go back to work :cwm3:

[Englishman2010]

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

[Arthur Little]

Well not the longest yet this being the first post but just talk about complete 'ollocks and keep it going :D

Hmm ... we're already more than 24 hours into this thread and I'm still having trouble :23_111_9[1]: conjuring up some nonsensical claptrap - apart from (before someone else says it) what I've occasionally been know to post, that is.

As for the longest thread - religious debates aside - I seem to remember Bornatbirth's 2009 topic on 'farting' :butthead: set something of a record in terms of "hot air" [pun intended!]

[Arthur Little]

'farting' :butthead:

Come to think (or should that be 'stink'?) of it [now there's nonsense!] ... does anyone happen to know how to depict a fart - in written or typed form - using an appropriate icon? :rolleyes:

[KeithD]

Can we do living autopsies on prisoners? :hubbahubba:

[Arthur Little]

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

:cwm24: ... woow, Ian ... some real beauties there! :appl:

[Arthur Little]

Can we do living autopsies on prisoners? :hubbahubba:

:rolleyes: You could always ask our resident pathologist ... although I doubt if it would've been part of his contract! :NoNo:

[les_taxi]

I'd like a bottle of cresta right now:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Doc Alan]

Can we do living autopsies on prisoners? :hubbahubba:
Only on this thread ... it would kill them :doh

[KeithD]

Only on this thread ... it would kill them :doh

Well, plenty of replacements :D

[les_taxi]

Another thing that's puzzled me if someone is be-headed apparently the brain is still alive for a few mins,so could you behead someone and say a dog and swap heads quickly and see what happens :icon_lol:

[laurel]

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a man lying on the pavement with his ear to manhole cover........................:Cuckoo:

[Sim11UK]

The Daily Mail is a good read. :D

[Ako Si Jamie]

Cameron Jerome the Birmingham City footballer came into my local last night :omg: and had his photo taken with my mates. Must be the most famous person to ever visit that place :icon_lol:

[KeithD]

Another thing that's puzzled me if someone is be-headed apparently the brain is still alive for a few mins,so could you behead someone and say a dog and swap heads quickly and see what happens :icon_lol:

Alive but not conscious ;)

[les_taxi]

In the olden days when they guillotined someone I wondered as the head fell in basket if you would think "aww **** this is not a good day":)

[KeithD]

You've got a few seconds to blink before you pass out...... unless you land face down in doog poo :icon_lol:

[les_taxi]

Hopefully dried and crispy:icon_lol:

[aposhark]

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This is the "one"

[laurel]

so I said , what you doing down there??:Cuckoo:

[Sim11UK]

It's all a question of bending your knees at the right time.

[KeithD]

Anyone know where I can get second-hand anal bungs cos I'm a sad git :icon_lol:

[laurel]

He said to me , come and have a listen......so i bent down and put my ear to the manhole cover

[Ako Si Jamie]

Jean Claude Van Damne is half filipino. I didn't know this till recently.

[laurel]

I said.........I cant hear a thing!!!!:Cuckoo:

[Ako Si Jamie]

I can hear the cockerels through Maria's cam!

[les_taxi]

Shall I go to work and earn some more pennies (optional) or shall I do nothing all day apart from tv etc:Erm:

[Steve.r]

well..... you are still online, so I think option 2 was taken :icon_lol:

[les_taxi]

well..... you are still online, so I think option 2 was taken :icon_lol:

No pc was online as I'm downloading movie:xxgrinning--00xx3:
I Did a quick stint and picked up young squaddies:yikes:

[Doc Alan]

Why do fairy stories only have a happy ending on the last page ? :rolleyes:

[KeithD]

Why do fairy stories only have a happy ending on the last page ? :rolleyes:

... and they'll soon be allowed to marry by law :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[les_taxi]

Just going to watch 'Dog pound' looks good:)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1422020/

[Steve.r]

... and they'll soon be allowed to marry by law :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Hmm..... Elton & David come to mind :doh

[laurel]

Thats right he said...................its been like that all day:Cuckoo:

[KeithD]

RAF - Randy Anal Fingering :D

...any more....

[ampy]

:) when i first time i met my husband he use to say,,:hubbahubba: pretty MAMA !!!,,,,, you are ''SEX IN LEGS''

after 4 years being together,,,he is now telling,,''PIG ON WHEELS'' :NoNo: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :cwm23:,,,:xxaction-smiley-047:xxaction-smiley-047,WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?:Erm:

[sars_notd_virus]

an airplane and a ship crashed each other ,..why did the ice cream man died??:Erm:

[ampy]

an airplane and a ship crashed each other ,..why did the ice cream man died??:Erm:

:Erm: why?