i need your advice... [Archive]

imagine

26th March 2011, 19:18

I feel sad... :( anybody here wants to cheer me up? how would you know if your partner is proud of you?

thats a difficult one,im sure your partner would show it,
if he was a bird his tail feathers might fluff up :laugher:
if he was a dog his tail would wag :icon_lol:
and if a cat he might purr and wipe its nose on your legs :laugher:

Arthur Little

26th March 2011, 19:33

thats a difficult one,im sure your partner would show it,
if he was a bird his tail feathers might fluff up :laugher:
if he was a dog his tail would wag :icon_lol:
and if a cat he might purr and wipe its nose on your legs :laugher:

:laugher: ... yes ... these are the ways in which he would convey his affection ... were he one or other of the species mentioned. But since he's a mere human - and :irish: besides - who knows? :joke:

Arthur Little

26th March 2011, 20:04

Seriously, though ... I imagine he'll show his appreciation of your qualities by uttering three little words ":mrstraetz:" fairly often - not just when he wants :do_it: in return - and also demonstrate his feelings through regularly sharing those special romantic moments :hugx: whenever the two of you are alone together!!

imagine

26th March 2011, 20:10

I feel sad... :( anybody here wants to cheer me up? how would you know if your partner is proud of you?

how you feeling now medge,,,,, any better :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Arthur Little

26th March 2011, 20:21

medg22

26th March 2011, 20:37

And when, as a couple, you meet his friends in the street ... if he's a good-mannered chappie, he will always take pride in introducing you to them - something that a lot of British men of my acquaintance fail to do - and not leave you standing on your own (twiddling your thumbs) while he catches up on the latest male gossip. :blahblah::blahblah:

that's the problem... he doesnt introduce me to any of his friends.. eventhough they're talking infront of me.. it's always me who introduce myself to them :( huhuhuhuhu... :bigcry:

imagine

26th March 2011, 20:40

baby38

27th March 2011, 09:07

Very interested what's happening in your situation imagine,i thought you were going over to the Phills in March seems delays delays

imagine

27th March 2011, 09:39

Very interested what's happening in your situation imagine,i thought you were going over to the Phills in March seems delays delays

yes always delays , my suitcase been packed since i was supposed to be going to israel over xmas,then the delay untill jan, then the delay for march, so far im £500 down for a flight cancelation, so many coincidences for delays, possibly april now, but then im supposed to be going to phill may or june unless theres another cancelation,its doing my head in:crazy:

keeperlit

27th March 2011, 10:14

i always introduce karen to everyone we meet and always tell her how much i love her ,,just the same way karen does to me,,,as for myself i'm not interested in men chat,,,i'm only interested in my wife we do everything together we go up the antrim coast in the car for days out,,we go out on our motorbike along with other people,,,but bottom line ,,karen is my life and the air that i breathe,,,we don't argue we just have a little tiff by that i mean we don't talk to each other for a few hours ,,but we do not go to bed with out saying sorry,,,everyone has a bad day,,,,talk to him and tell him that you feel left out in the cold when he meets his friends in the street and does not introduce you ,,,after all he should be very proud to introduce his wife to his friends ,,there is a filipino fiesta that has just started coming to belfast each year and it will be here again shortly karen and i will check the dates and if your hubby cannot take you we will come down and collect you and bring you back home again,,,check our facebook and you might even see a friend you know on it,,,,,again bottom line talk to your hubby ,,,he might not even be aware this upsets you ,,,some guys are like that:xxgrinning--00xx3:

worthingmale

27th March 2011, 11:05

he can still be proud of you, but not have very good social skills

just talk to him :)

grahamw48

27th March 2011, 20:19

I don't like the sound of it. :NoNo:

The behaviour of a thoughtless so and so who needs a kick up the posterior.

Just my honest opinion.

medg22

28th March 2011, 17:29

how you feeling now medge,,,,, any better :xxgrinning--00xx3:

still not ok really... I married him despite all of his flaws... his being non-sociable, smoker, dependent, and etc. do you think I can still handle all of this? we're still both young and immature I guess but I dunno if I can stay longer here :( you see, Im a registered nurse, I had a lot of job offers from US and Australia after I graduate but I choose to be with my bf here in N. Ireland, to get married because I love him and I knowe that he loves me too... more than I love him for sure. It is me who always hurt him by saying I am leaving him someday because of what is happening. I never thought it would be like this. And another big issue is the fact that he never wants to have children. As in never. I want to have a family in the future with him but what can I do if he doesn't want it? I married him knowing that fact because I am still hoping that someday he would change his mind. But I guess Im wrong. I AM IN SO MUCH DESPAIR RIGHT NOW. I dont have any family or friends here near me to talk all of this things. I dont wanna think that I regret all of this because I really want to work this relationship we have. PLEASE HELP. I NEED ADVICE. I havent seen any Filipinos here in my area :( and I have been here for 6 months now :( :( :(

grahamw48

28th March 2011, 17:39

Maybe you could try speaking to someone at 'Relate'.
I believe their services are free, and there should be a branch in your area.

http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

imagine

28th March 2011, 17:54

sorry to hear your going through this medg. its obviously making you feel lonely homesick, you do need another female to talk to and unload your feelings,i agree with graham, relate would be a good idea for you,nothing to loose by contacting them:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Rosie1958

28th March 2011, 23:46

I don't like the sound of it. :NoNo:

The behaviour of a thoughtless so and so who needs a kick up the posterior.

Just my honest opinion.

Hi Medg22 ......... I'm inclined to agree with Graham's thoughts above too.

Although Relate's service appears to be free, they do normally expect a "donation" to be made and they suggest an amount. The other barrier that you might be up against is that your husband may not agree to seeing this relationship counsellor.

I'm not filipina or a counsellor but I am female so if it would help, please do feel free to send me a PM when you are able.

Arthur Little

29th March 2011, 02:37

that's the problem... he doesnt introduce me to any of his friends.. eventhough they're talking infront of me.. it's always me who introduce myself to them :( huhuhuhuhu... :bigcry:

:sorry-2: to have brought up this particular "can of worms". But there's a friend of mine who behaves towards his partner in exactly that way. I've seen it so many times when I have been in their company and are joined by another person ... and it annoys me intensely - which is why I mentioned it here - even though I haven't said anything to him.

Unlike you they're not actually married ... despite being in a relationship for more than 5 years now. By his own admission, he's a "commitment phobe" ... and, frankly, I'm at a loss to understand how she manages to put up it. :anerikke: But for some reason she does. To my mind good communication in any partnership is absolutely VITAL!

medg22

29th March 2011, 15:26

Thank you for all your comments. Me and my hubby always talk about things. But most of the time, well actually always... we end up having arguments. He think he's always right :( He always raise his voice (we're still living with his parents, I'm embarassed that they might hear our sensitive conversations but it seems he dont care at all). Well that is another problem, we still dont have our own place. My hubby is so dependent on his mom :(

Anyway, I would like to have a counsellor. I told him last night about it but he said NO :NoNo: I can't help thinking that we will end up having divorce. But we just got married 2 months ago :( I really want it to work and I know he feels the same... Sometimes, he will tell me ''Please don't divorce me honey'' ''Please don't leave me'' and I'll just start to cry... feels like my heart is breaking :bigcry:

grahamw48

29th March 2011, 15:50

It sounds like you have some serious thinking and talking to do....especially before you have children.

Not having witnessed your relationship, obviously I can only generalise and make lots of assumptions, so if what I'm saying doesn't fit your situation please ignore it.

HOWEVER, what I'm reading here does NOT sound like a normal happy married relationship in our society. :NoNo:

I'm going to be harsh here, but it seems to me that you have married a man who has not prepared a home for you, in fact has not even left his PARENTS' home yet, a man who appears to be very insecure, and possibly immature too. (Obviously I haven't met him).

If what you are describing about him is true, then
he is aggressive towards you, and grossly inconsiderate of your feelings .

I know it is difficult for ANY couple to buy a house in these days of recession and high prices, but you do REALLY need your own place.
Surely that is not too difficult a problem for your partner to sort out (private rented) ...or does he still need his mummy ? :Erm:

Do keep visiting the forum here, because there are so many people contributing who have lots of experience of UK/Fil' marriage, and the problems that can arise.

Unfortunately you do seem to have got off to a bad start, but hopefully things will improve for you.

The bottom line is though, that it is YOUR life. You're not someone's slave, and in this country you need not be alone with your problems.

I think you would be happier discussing your situation with another Filipina in your area, so hopefully someone will be able to put you in touch with such a person.

Good luck anyway, and keep smiling as much as you can. :)

medg22

29th March 2011, 16:39

...what I'm reading here does NOT sound like a normal happy married relationship in our society. :NoNo:

I'm going to be harsh here, but it seems to me that you have married a man who has not prepared a home for you, in fact has not even left his PARENTS' home yet, a man who appears to be very insecure, and possibly immature too.

It is true that he is immature and probably insecure. I could actually say I am too. But I am still hoping that we will grow together not only as a person but also as a couple. But then again, it's a another risk I am taking. I believe we have had happy times too. But there are some things that keeps on holding me back on my total happiness. Like not having our own family in the future. He sometimes says that I could have a better life without him. World will be better without him (suicidal ideation). He said what's the point having a job without me in his life? What' the point living if I leave him? Those things scares me a lot. He is also dependent on me. I think it's my fault letting myself in this kind of situation. Now I have to deal with it. But I believe I still deserve a better life than this. I am totally confused. I dont know where to go and what to do. Should I leave him? or stay with him? :Help1:

imagine

29th March 2011, 16:55

hi medg, you know no matter what advise you get or what are the opinions of others,
what you do ,,, stay or leave, has to be your decision, im not saying dont listen to advise, do take onboard peoples opinions, but dont make your decision based on what someone tells you to do, if its wrong you will blame them that you listened to them, you know what i mean , take care and think carefully :)

sars_notd_virus

29th March 2011, 16:57

I feel sad... :( anybody here wants to cheer me up? how would you know if your partner is proud of you?

hello medg welcome to the forum!!

I have no problems with my partner ,he always makes me feel special and tells me everyday how beautiful I am and that he loves me...:heartshape1::heartshape1:

but let me tell you that the first few months here in the UK is not that easy loads of adjustment especially the weather,culture shock,foods few filipinos but as you'' get yourself out'' you will meet some good friends even not pinoy/pinay..I have a few thai friends here ,they are as nice and you will slowly feel better:xxgrinning--00xx3:. with regards to husband just tell him you need more attention and support as you still feel strange at the moment,..its normal !! cheer up!!

Tawi2

29th March 2011, 16:58

Should I leave him?
How long did you actually know the guy before you married him and how exactly did you meet if you dont mind me asking:Erm:

grahamw48

29th March 2011, 18:54

He appears to be using emotional blackmail ('world better without him').

That is just so unfair on you ! :NoNo:

You need to find out just WHAT his problem is, and then decide whether you can live with him and that problem...because (from what you've stated) problem there certainly is.

DO try to find some Filipino friends, but from my experience of other (insecure) guys like this, he is not going to be happy about that, so be prepared.

It is possible that he saw you as being the solution to to some of his hangups and shortcomings...someone to lean on emotionally, someone who he perceived may be less likely to challenge him.

That would be a lot to bear for ANY woman, let alone a young lady of 22 just starting out married life in a foreign country. :rolleyes:

It is not for me to tell you what to do with your life, but I would urge you to carefully consider what you can reasonably expect from your marriage, and from life generally. We all expect to be happy MOST of the time in our marriages, which after all are SUPPOSED to be based on love and mutual respect . :)

imagine

29th March 2011, 19:09

well said graham:xxgrinning--00xx3:

medg22

30th March 2011, 14:36

How long did you actually know the guy before you married him and how exactly did you meet if you dont mind me asking:Erm:

I met him online. 2006. It wasn't my intention to find a bf but we just clicked. 'Love at first online sight' we call it. From then on, we had constant communication via text, phone calls, chat and even sending letters and gifts. Then after 2 months being in a relationship, he proposed to me (online). I was swept away and said YES! So he sent me the engagement ring and we were enganged 4 years before we got married. He went to the Philippines twice within 4 years. Oct.2007 and Oct.2008. It was the happiest days of our lives.

medg22

30th March 2011, 14:50

Thank you for all your advices everyone. I really appriciate it :)

My hubby truly loves me but then again I know he is a funny guy. He is just different and I find it hard to understand (obviously I am trying or else I am not here anymore). He never fails to say I LOVE YOU every minute of everyday. Keeps me warm. Breakfast in bed almost everyday. Telling me how beautiful I am. How lucky he is to have me in his life. And more...

Despite of his negative characteristics (we all have it anyway) I still love him. But I just don't know how long can I handle all of that. Sometimes, I am scared of him especially when he is mad about something. Like not finding what he's looking for. Or we're going some where he's not familiar of. It'll just made me cry and can't do anything about it.

I know I am the only one who can decide for myself. But I need to tell someone what's happening to me. Being in this forum eases the emotional pain I am going through... I hope you don't mind me telling what's going on to my life. I just needed someone to talk to... I really miss my family and friends in the Philippines... :bigcry:

worthingmale

30th March 2011, 14:55

part of being married is growing together, accepting people for who they are, but it is tough if you dont know the person that well,

try talking to him or writing him a letter possibly ?

we on the forum are always happy to help,

uthidian

30th March 2011, 17:23

I feel sad... :( anybody here wants to cheer me up? how would you know if your partner is proud of you?

if he is not proud of you, then he doesn't deserve you!

grahamw48

30th March 2011, 17:34

I'm sorry to have to say, but you're coming across more as his 'pet' than his (equal) partner.

There seems to be a lot of insecurity and possessiveness going on here.

How old is your husband ?
Has he ever left home and lived independently before... had previous long-term relationships ?

Terpe

30th March 2011, 17:52

Don't forget that you have come half way around the world to a different culture/way of life/way of thinking and behaving.
You have left behind the security and closeness of your family and your friends. You find yourself alone from everything you've ever known with no one to share or confide to, no one you can really express yourself to in your own language.
Being homesick comprises all these and more.

These issues in themselves will cause problems within yourself and within your relationship. It seems to me your husband may not really understand how you could be affected and so any realtionship issues may get magnified.

Somehow, you must talk with him about the way you feel. Try to get him to understand.
It may be difficult for him if he is really immature and has never experienced a life of independence. But without his understanding and support things will become more difficult to manage.

medg22

31st March 2011, 13:12

How old is your husband ?
Has he ever left home and lived independently before... had previous long-term relationships ?

He is 27 and I am 22. He worked in Holland with his friend when he was 21 and lived there for few months. He never had long term relationships until he met me.

grahamw48

31st March 2011, 15:03

Well, I wish you both the best of luck.

Just need to follow your instincts I suppose, but I think it would help you if you could find some friends amongst the nearest Filipino community (or even Thai). That may help with your homesickness too. :)

alanp

31st March 2011, 22:26

medg22

2nd April 2011, 23:07

hi just found this if you are near Belfast its not till the 14th May but you might meet up with some other filipinos http://blog.adoborice.com/2011/03/advisory-consular-outreach-mission_29.html

there is an filipino day on june 11th but thats in Dublin http://www.adoborice.com/filipino-events/11-june/The-8th-Filipino-Day-2011.aspx

Thank you for this alanp :) and I would like to thank everyone also who spent time reading and giving advices to my situation. I am really glad I found this forum. You are all very helpful. I hope everything will be alright :)
:xxgrinning--00xx3: