Views please.... latest girlfriend shenanigans! [Archive]

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Manila_Paul

30th March 2011, 04:51

Okay, so here goes.... I've been dating this girl here now for a couple of months. Met her working in a shop, I asked her out and that was that. Nothing too intense. I take it her out for lunch 2 or 3 times a week and on her day off. The plan was that I meet her parents and family in the province in a few weeks and we would be getting more serious after that.

Anyway, I have also been getting on well with one of her work colleagues, who she is quite friendly with. My girlfriend actually encouraged this. So today, out of the blue, her friend tells me that my girlfriend has been living with another man since before she met me. I'm told the relationship hasn't been going that well, particularly from the boyfriend's perspective, and that is why she was quite happy to meet me.

So I've weighed it up.....Reasons this could be true:

* I've visited some of her family on the other side of Manila but yet she hasn't once discussed me going back to her place. She claims to live with her Uncle and Aunt. So her takes me halfway across Manila to meet other family but not the Uncle and Aunt she lives with? It could well be that she hasn't seen the other family for some time but still a bit strange to never discuss taking me home?

* When we go out on her day off she claims she has to go home at 5pm. Yet I've had text from her the following day saying she has been out drinking with her friend until late? This 'home early' curfew also doesn't apply to when she finishes work earlier than her usual 9pm on some nights. This said, it could be because her aunt and uncle aren't aware she is finishing early? (or her boyfriend, of course!)

* Sex. Or the lack of it. Now, I've found Filipinas, generally speaking, once they like someone, are quite open on this front. The exception appears to be the Born Again Christians or other non-mainstream types who are a bit more serious about doctrine. My girlfriend on the other hand appears to have no interest in religion whatsoever. She certainly doesn't go to church or anything. So this isn't the reason. Also, I didn't jump on her after the first date or anything. We're talking 3 weeks here. She has told me she wants to wait until I meet her parents. I must propose to be her girlfriend in front of her parents. So is this true or it is a guilty conscience with regards to her current boyfriend? Of course, I actually want more than sex. This is why I was quite happy to wait.

* Often pulling out of meet ups on her days off. "I'm sick" and so forth.

Reasons her friend could be lying:

* A week or so back this friend told me they had a row after she had teased her too much and they weren't talking anymore. Although they seem to be getting on better since. Could this be revenge?

* She was persistent about meeting me face to face to tell me this. This raised suspicions for me. Why not just tell me by text or e-mail? Is she concerned that if I confront my girlfriend, and this is actually a lie, that she could deny she ever said anything? Whereas with a text, I have the proof. Eventually, after me constantly saying no to the face to face meeting, she told me by text.

* She has asked to borrow a relatively small sum of money from me before (P1000). Following on from the above, is she maybe looking for more and wants my girfriend out of the way? Especially now there appears to be some strain in their friendship? I have discounted the idea that she is interested in me. There have been no suggestions of this and I've met her boyfriend a few times, who she has been dating for 2 years, and she is very much in love with him. If she is a scammer, she is taking the long route.

My feeling is this... it is probably true and she probably wants to leave this guy for me. She asked early on after we started dating if she could come and live with me. Which I find slightly odd given the fact that I must meet her parents before we have sex but yet she wants to live with after about the 3rd date! But at the end of the day, why not tell me this? We could then have sorted something out. Quite possibly she can't afford to live on her own, so I can see how it would be a difficult situation for her. Or, am I just making excuses here? I should add, this girl hasn't asked me for a penny. The one exception was a small amount for a genuinely lost phone but otherwise, she hasn't asked for a penny.

Anyway, I think my mind is pretty much made up but I'd interested in hearing views on this and if there is anything I've missed that is obvious?

simpleHeart

30th March 2011, 05:24

Manila_Paul

30th March 2011, 05:32

For me as a girl! I would better suggest that you should have face your girlfriend or tell her to the meets up with parents. To be honest on what you feel is better than making some conclusion which bothers you most. You love her! So let her speaks...

Get the facts from her!!!

Oh I intend to discuss it with her, there is no doubt about that. But I intend to go about it carefully as if her friend is telling the truth, she has done me a huge favour and I don't want to make things at work awkward for her.

simpleHeart

30th March 2011, 05:43

Manila_Paul

30th March 2011, 06:08

You have to work it out by investigating thorough without biased.Before drawing some conclusions let yourself be aware on what is really your gf's friend motive in telling it so, since as you've said they have some misunderstanding or "Away-kaibigan".If it is really you who she is concerned with or to put her friend in messed by this called "gossips". Then it is all up to you what weighs up!!!

I suspect the misunderstanding is almost certainly over this issue though. Her friend told me about it first. I asked her what she was teasing my girlfriend about ... no reply. I asked my girlfriend the same.... no reply. She didn't want to discuss it at all. Friends of her friends have also, with hindsight, said things to me that suggest they know as well. This was before I'd even been told.

This said, I'm going to give her a chance to show that I'm wrong but it is very difficult not to be bias to start with. Or at the very least, it is hard not to have a gut instinct.

malditako

30th March 2011, 06:34

Lancashirelad

30th March 2011, 09:27

be warned...some filipinas can be so envious and tend to ruin what others have...whats her intention of telling all this to you...weather this gossip is true or not as your gf's friend she shoudn't involve herself with you and your gf.

^^^^^^ Disagree^^^^^^
If you showed her friendship and she repaid it by giving some honest information, i think thats a good thing. Just imagine you discovered this 6 months down the line it would be much worse. I think you need have a discussion with your Gf about this maybe as a consequence she will fall out with her friend, but thats not your fault!

grahamw48

30th March 2011, 09:51

I think you need a new girlfriend.

How many thousands in Manila ?

This sounds like hard work to me....and it's supposed to be the best bit ! :NoNo:

sars_notd_virus

30th March 2011, 09:53

Anyway, I think my mind is pretty much made up but I'd interested in hearing views on this and if there is anything I've missed that is obvious?

I think the three of you should meet (you,your gf and her friend) and talk about it openly then start it from there,there is no good hearing one side of the story it will leave you with a doubt and not good in a relationship.

keithAngel

30th March 2011, 10:22

I you record it with there permision and put it up on u tube we can all give you further insights:icon_lol:

I think Graham has it about right there is always things we bring from the past but if its the present and unspoken no chance trust your intuition :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Manila_Paul

30th March 2011, 10:27

I think you need a new girlfriend.

How many thousands in Manila ?

This sounds like hard work to me....and it's supposed to be the best bit ! :NoNo:

Yep, this was exact initial reaction. But you how it is. You get attached. I know this girl isn't a hardened user or cheat. She is only 19. In fact, that may be half the problem here. Too young and lacking in maturity. Along with her mate.

Manila_Paul

30th March 2011, 10:36

I you record it with there permision and put it up on u tube we can all give you further insights:icon_lol:

I suspect all you'd end up seeing is two young attractive Filipinas wrestling each other on the ground.... Oh hold on a minute.. :icon_lol:

I think it would be more to my advantage not to get them together. Coppers keep suspects apart for good reason, after all. After some investigation I'm just going to ask my girlfriend straight out if she is living with someone already and see what I get back.

keithAngel

30th March 2011, 11:01

I would just buy some chocolates and anounce you want to visit where she lives in a now in which she is about to go "home" to meet the aunt uncle etc see what the reaction is dont necasarily do it and watch out for texting if she says yes:rolleyes:

grahamw48

30th March 2011, 11:02

Paul -

I agree, preferably in the taxi to her home.:)

Careful though....remember that poor unsuspecting Brit who was killed by the jealous local b/f last year. :yikes:

Tawi2

30th March 2011, 11:59

I'm just going to ask my girlfriend straight out if she is living with someone already and see what I get back.
Thats the best bet,the thing with her friend could stem from jealousy however,misinformation and disinformation to upset the applecart,you have lived there and in Honkers long enough so you know the score:)She could actually still be with the boyfriend,wouldnt be the first time thats happened,I knew a pinay married with two kids who later married an old italian guy with the tacit approval of her pinoy hubby so she could work in Europe and send cash back to the family home,theres nowt as strange as folks:Erm:

Manila_Paul

30th March 2011, 15:16

Okay, well, I spoke with her friend at length tonight and there is no way she is lying. It appears she has rationalised it by saying that we are not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, until I go to the province and propose to be her girlfriend in front of her parents (none of her family know about the other guy). Then she is going to leave this guy. I have no doubt she has fallen for me in a big way. Yet this other guy is now the elephant in the room. As I suspected, she is scared of leaving him/doesn't have the cash for her own place.

My feeling at the moment is to confront her and tell her to leave him now and maybe we can work something out. Again, she is no hardened user. If anthing, she comes across as desperately insecure. The guy she is with sounds like a bit of arsehole, in all honesty. No wonder she wanted to move in with me so quickly! :icon_lol:

Manila_Paul

30th March 2011, 15:22

Paul -

I agree, preferably in the taxi to her home.:)

Careful though....remember that poor unsuspecting Brit who was killed by the jealous local b/f last year. :yikes:

haha, yeah, I've heard of plenty of those stories. Both ways. They take it bad here.

I really don't need to do anything this now though as I have all the evidence I need. When I confront her I'm fairly sure she'll admit it. If she's stupid enough to deny it then it'll be 'see ya later'.

lovelyme

30th March 2011, 15:43

talk to her immediately. if she really likes/loves you, she'll make a way to leave the guy despite of her situation. whether u end up together or not, at least u have communicated your concerns with her. communication and honesty are essential in every relationship.

good luck :)

gWaPito

30th March 2011, 15:44

I think you need a new girlfriend.

How many thousands in Manila ?

This sounds like hard work to me....and it's supposed to be the best bit ! :NoNo:

Have to agree with Graham unless of course you are already loved up.

Moral of the story, pick more wisely :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Manila_Paul

30th March 2011, 15:55

Have to agree with Graham unless of course you are already loved up.

Moral of the story, pick more wisely :xxgrinning--00xx3:

I couldn't have got much unlucky really. She was simply a nice shop assistant. I got talking to her and liked her. And that was that. I couldn't have possibly imagined this. :doh

Terpe

30th March 2011, 17:18

I couldn't have got much unlucky really. She was simply a nice shop assistant. I got talking to her and liked her. And that was that. I couldn't have possibly imagined this. :doh

For sure I'm not the best person to be giving relationship advice, but I've really learnt a lot since going to the Phils and most importantly since being a member on this forum.
But I say this is too high maintenance.

Paul, I read your earlier posting on relationships in Phils and Hong Kong and your advice to others, you should know better. The words "Physician, heal thyself" come to mind.

Think very carefully about you really want out of this.......if anything.

No offence intended Paul, even though the way I put the words down may seem so.

It's easy to out now than later unless your already 'gone' :D

pacificelectric

30th March 2011, 21:18

Of course, I actually want more than sex.

You mean, there is more than sex? Wow! :yikes:

Manila_Paul

31st March 2011, 01:45

For sure I'm not the best person to be giving relationship advice, but I've really learnt a lot since going to the Phils and most importantly since being a member on this forum.
But I say this is too high maintenance.

Paul, I read your earlier posting on relationships in Phils and Hong Kong and your advice to others, you should know better. The words "Physician, heal thyself" come to mind.

Think very carefully about you really want out of this.......if anything.

No offence intended Paul, even though the way I put the words down may seem so.

It's easy to out now than later unless your already 'gone' :D

Gone mate, completely gone. :Cuckoo:

And yeah, just illustrates the point I was making on the potential hassles here as compared with somewhere like Hong Kong. But really, I was going to be here for a time and I was single and I find it is actually harder *not* to get involved here in that circumstance!

Anyway, I'm going to drop the bomb later and see how she reacts.

worthingmale

31st March 2011, 08:54

good luck

Manila_Paul

1st April 2011, 02:01

good luck

Thanks

It went reasonably well. She tried to deny it at first but when I said that was it and started walking away, she relented. Lots of tears followed. She is scared of leaving this guy but certainly has feeling for him. He is an even bigger loser than I'd realised: He has 2 kids from previous relationship and has another girlfriend at the moment and 'he wants more' according to my girlfriend :NoNo: Which just backs up the point her friend made about him not being content with her. Geez, the .... women will put up with when they're in love! No wonder she was suspicious of my intentions too if this is her early experience of what a relationship is like.

Anyway, it ended with her agreeing to leave him and move in with me. I just hope this guy really doesn't give much of a crap about her and isn't the jealous type. :yikes:

simpleHeart

1st April 2011, 02:12

I'm glad it went well. Hopefully you don't have any problem to the guy who she previously with...Best of luck Paul:)

Manila_Paul

1st April 2011, 04:28

I'm glad it went well. Hopefully you don't have any problem to the guy who she previously with...Best of luck Paul:)

Thanks Simple Heart. My main worry now is more to what extent she is going to be on the rebound from this guy.

Terpe

1st April 2011, 08:49

I sincerely wish you Good Luck Paul :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Take care.

sars_notd_virus

1st April 2011, 09:14

Rosie1958

1st April 2011, 23:31

Obviously,your gf chose you for practical reason to get away with this guy which you said she still has a feeling,wonder what feeling is that?must be love?if she is scared with him she got all the right reasons to move out before she met you and give herself a time to heal...its completely up to you how you can manage this 'love on the rebound',..just be careful!!

Please do remember that your girlfriend is only 19 and still in her formulative years ....... she is clearly not able to support herself and is therefore reliant on and at the mercy of others. It sounds to me like she wants to use you, if you are happy with that, good luck to you both. Personally, I think that your relationship could be a receipe for disaster and that you should heed the advice of the other guys on here and look for a new uncomplicated girlfriend ....... Why invite trouble when there is no need?:doh

Manila_Paul

2nd April 2011, 01:05

Please do remember that your girlfriend is only 19 and still in her formulative years ....... she is clearly not able to support herself and is therefore reliant on and at the mercy of others. It sounds to me like she wants to use you, if you are happy with that, good luck to you both. Personally, I think that your relationship could be a receipe for disaster and that you should heed the advice of the other guys on here and look for a new uncomplicated girlfriend ....... Why invite trouble when there is no need?:doh

I know you're right, Rosie. I would probably be giving much the same advice having read my own story independently... but it is precisely because I don't think this girl is any sort of hardened user, that I'm willing to see it through. Nothwithstanding the other issues, which I feel are far more likely to ruin this relationship (as you say, age and this other guy), it is enough for me to give it a bash right now. I don't feel I've got that much to lose. It isn't like it is a LDR and I'm sending her money etc. Nor it is the case that I don't know her in the flesh. She hasn't ask me for a penny and neither does she need to. Of course, she is not well off but she has a job and she came to live in Manila independently. I've met some of her family too and they too are all basically ordinary working class folks. Again, I'm probably wrong and it is odds on that this relationship won't work out but I'm still going to give it a try as I will regret it otherwise :Cuckoo:

Arthur Little

2nd April 2011, 07:56

As Rosie says, Paul ... the girl is still in her formative years - and clearly unsure of her own mind - so, if I were you, I'd tread very warily. :rolleyes:

Jimbojac

5th April 2011, 12:43

Paul, i only read some of the posts here but Graham is so obviously right!
There are so many nice girls around i wouldn't waste a second on any that i doubted from the beginning.
If you know somebody only a short time and there are major questions what else is gonna come up??
i speak from experience too, i had a Pinay a coupla years back that lied to me, thankfully i found out early and as it later turned out virtually her whole life was living one BIG lie!!
just be careful Mate.
So many nice ones about, find one Chief!:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Malleus

6th April 2011, 12:52

Thanks

It went reasonably well. She tried to deny it at first but when I said that was it and started walking away, she relented. Lots of tears followed. She is scared of leaving this guy but certainly has feeling for him. He is an even bigger loser than I'd realised: He has 2 kids from previous relationship and has another girlfriend at the moment and 'he wants more' according to my girlfriend :NoNo: Which just backs up the point her friend made about him not being content with her. Geez, the .... women will put up with when they're in love! No wonder she was suspicious of my intentions too if this is her early experience of what a relationship is like.

Anyway, it ended with her agreeing to leave him and move in with me. I just hope this guy really doesn't give much of a crap about her and isn't the jealous type. :yikes:

First of all Paul I am sorry to hear about your difficulties, and I really wish you well and hope everything works out for you.

As for myself reading your story I have to confess I am really puzzled. I know there are other BM's who are more compassionate and understanding towards your girlfriend, pointing out that she is still young, and this fact should excuse her behaviour somewhat. I would agree, if she were 13 or 14, but she is nearly 20. She is absolutely an adult and definitely old enough to know right from wrong. All I can do is try to put myself in your shoes and see how I would react. My thought process goes something like this.

This girl is demonstrably a liar. She has completely deceived me about this other man in her life. She has also lied about where she has been, telling me she is with friends, at parties when she is obviously with boyfriend number 1. Furthermore she is cheating on her boyfriend with me (notwithstanding the fact that her boyfriend is clearly a loser). She is unhappy with one man, but doesnt want to leave him yet. So she decides to increase her options and starts playing the numbers game. I am her backup plan, she is waiting to see if I prove to be a better choice than boyfriend number 1.

Now what does this tell me about this girls character? Well it tells me that she is clearly capable of lying with ease. It obviously comes naturally to her or else she couldnt pull it off well. If she can lie about this, she can lie about anything. Second point is that she is clearly a cheat. Again, if she can cheat once, she can do it again. If she can cheat on boyfriend number 1, she can cheat on me just as easily. So sometime in the future when she is not happy with some part of our relationship, rather than working through it there is a strong likelihood that she will start fishing around for a 'better' choice. And as she is a liar too, then it will be no problem to her to cover her tracks. Then there are the health implications of being in a relationship with a cheating partner.......

IMHO there simply could not be any bigger or more obvious red flags than this. I would personally avoid this girl like the plague. You make the point that this girl is putting up with a cheating boyfriend because she is in love. But from my point of view, you are doing exactly the same thing lol. Why would you want to give a girl like that a chance? You say you have nothing to lose, but truthfully as you start getting more and more involved with this girl, and your feelings develop it will become exponentially more difficult to A. spot her deceptions and B. extricate yourself from the situation. Sure its no big deal to you now, but in a year or two it could easily cause you massive heartache, among other things.

As Rosie and Graham have pointed out, there is an abundance of genuine and lovely pinays who have good characters and would be faithful in a relationship. I know you say that at least she hasn't tried to scam you for money. But is that really a good enough reason to stay with a girl - that she hasnt tried to use you for money yet? I would humbly suggest that you are selling yourself short. You deserve a lot more than that, and imho there are many many pinays out there who are far more deserving than this girl of a good man like yourself.

Just my two cents. My posts tend to be a bit direct, so I hope I haven't offended you.

grahamw48

6th April 2011, 13:33

Very wise words.:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Speaking from experience: My marriage (to a Filipina) started with deception, continued with deception and ended because of deception. Hers, I might add.

simpleHeart

7th April 2011, 02:37

That was quite a summed up Malleus!!!
Once the trust was destroyed it was hard to fixed it up...:Erm:

But still it is all up to Paul!:)

Manila_Paul

7th April 2011, 07:35

First of all Paul I am sorry to hear about your difficulties, and I really wish you well and hope everything works out for you.

As for myself reading your story I have to confess I am really puzzled. I know there are other BM's who are more compassionate and understanding towards your girlfriend, pointing out that she is still young, and this fact should excuse her behaviour somewhat. I would agree, if she were 13 or 14, but she is nearly 20. She is absolutely an adult and definitely old enough to know right from wrong. All I can do is try to put myself in your shoes and see how I would react. My thought process goes something like this.

This girl is demonstrably a liar. She has completely deceived me about this other man in her life. She has also lied about where she has been, telling me she is with friends, at parties when she is obviously with boyfriend number 1. Furthermore she is cheating on her boyfriend with me (notwithstanding the fact that her boyfriend is clearly a loser). She is unhappy with one man, but doesnt want to leave him yet. So she decides to increase her options and starts playing the numbers game. I am her backup plan, she is waiting to see if I prove to be a better choice than boyfriend number 1.

Now what does this tell me about this girls character? Well it tells me that she is clearly capable of lying with ease. It obviously comes naturally to her or else she couldnt pull it off well. If she can lie about this, she can lie about anything. Second point is that she is clearly a cheat. Again, if she can cheat once, she can do it again. If she can cheat on boyfriend number 1, she can cheat on me just as easily. So sometime in the future when she is not happy with some part of our relationship, rather than working through it there is a strong likelihood that she will start fishing around for a 'better' choice. And as she is a liar too, then it will be no problem to her to cover her tracks. Then there are the health implications of being in a relationship with a cheating partner.......

IMHO there simply could not be any bigger or more obvious red flags than this. I would personally avoid this girl like the plague. You make the point that this girl is putting up with a cheating boyfriend because she is in love. But from my point of view, you are doing exactly the same thing lol. Why would you want to give a girl like that a chance? You say you have nothing to lose, but truthfully as you start getting more and more involved with this girl, and your feelings develop it will become exponentially more difficult to A. spot her deceptions and B. extricate yourself from the situation. Sure its no big deal to you now, but in a year or two it could easily cause you massive heartache, among other things.

As Rosie and Graham have pointed out, there is an abundance of genuine and lovely pinays who have good characters and would be faithful in a relationship. I know you say that at least she hasn't tried to scam you for money. But is that really a good enough reason to stay with a girl - that she hasnt tried to use you for money yet? I would humbly suggest that you are selling yourself short. You deserve a lot more than that, and imho there are many many pinays out there who are far more deserving than this girl of a good man like yourself.

Just my two cents. My posts tend to be a bit direct, so I hope I haven't offended you.

No, you make some fair points. Where I think you're wrong is the stuff which suggests lots of calculation in all this. Again, I approached her working in her shop, got talking to her and asked her out on the spot. It wasn't like she went out of her way to find another man. So is not quite accurate to talk about 'fishing around' etc. What has come out in the wash since is that she didn't love this guy anymore. The issue of leaving was far more about the roots and community which she had, which was based on living with her ex.

The issue of trust is the key one. Normally I couldn't look past this but there are so many extenuating circumstances on this that I'm willing to.

Anyway, she has been living with me now for nearly a week and it has probabaly been one of the best weeks of my life. Wonderful. As Graham said in a previous post, the best bit is truly here! :)

grahamw48

7th April 2011, 07:51

I'm not jealous. :icon_lol:

Good luck to you both anyway...hope it all turns out well. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Manila_Paul

7th April 2011, 08:07

By the way, I'm firmly in the 'better to have loved and lost' school of thought on the possibility of this all going wrong.

I'm not jealous. :icon_lol:

Good luck to you both anyway...hope it all turns out well. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Cheers! :)

Malleus

7th April 2011, 12:04

No, you make some fair points. Where I think you're wrong is the stuff which suggests lots of calculation in all this. Again, I approached her working in her shop, got talking to her and asked her out on the spot. It wasn't like she went out of her way to find another man. So is not quite accurate to talk about 'fishing around' etc. What has come out in the wash since is that she didn't love this guy anymore. The issue of leaving was far more about the roots and community which she had, which was based on living with her ex.

The issue of trust is the key one. Normally I couldn't look past this but there are so many extenuating circumstances on this that I'm willing to.

Anyway, she has been living with me now for nearly a week and it has probabaly been one of the best weeks of my life. Wonderful. As Graham said in a previous post, the best bit is truly here! :)

Well then all that remains for me to say is good luck! As Graham said, I really hope it turns out well for you.

Keep us updated if you can.

Malleus

7th April 2011, 12:07

That was quite a summed up Malleus!!!
Once the trust was destroyed it was hard to fixed it up...:Erm:

But still it is all up to Paul!:)

Yes indeed. Btw I love the quote on the bottom of your post simpleHeart. Very wise and very true :)

simpleHeart

8th April 2011, 02:30

Yes indeed. Btw I love the quote on the bottom of your post simpleHeart. Very wise and very true :)

Thank you Malleus:)

CHEVEYO

14th April 2011, 09:39

Her friend told me it first. I asked her what she was teasing my girlfriend no reply.

aposhark

16th April 2011, 12:23