Have I Ruined Her Life?

[IanB]

I am very sad to say that after 41/2 years I have split up with my lovely girlfriend who lives in Angeles City.

Some reders may remember the facts:

We met on line
We have only physically met once - two years ago in Thailand
I found out after about a year that she was married but had been separated for 7 years
We were supposed to meet in Thailand last year but she did not turn up because her grandfather died.


She is, as far as I can tell, a totally honest, kind, and good lady. However, she has no work, and little contact with her family. I have been supporting her with over £200 per month for most of the time we have known each other. She seems to spend her days cleaning her house and thinking about me. She has one or two friends who I have been in contact with.

The anullment is dragging on forver. Two years amd still no end date. At least 12 hearings. Next one in July. Even if that is the last, its clear that it will be a year or two before we can even think about getting a visa.

She is 32, I am 51. I am feeling too old to wait for two more years - alone once my son goes to uni this October. I don't think its good for her to waste the best years of her life sitting at home.

She says it impossible to get a job. She says she does not like to share a flat.

Since I told her I wanted to end our relationship she has been in pieces. Real breakdown stuff. I feel like I have shattered her dreams.

If you want to tell me I've done a shitty thing - I know and it is breaking my heart too. But I really hope that in a few months she can pick herslef up and start to take responsibility for her own life instead of putting ALL of the responsibility on to me. I will continue to support her financially for a while although this is very difficult to do.

Thanks for your attention. I'd say you are a shoulder to cry on but I'm not sure you would apreciate that!

[bornatbirth]

as it really been that long?

how soon would you of expected her to be with you.

this is the problem when you dont go and meet them at their home and see what their lives are really like, meeting once in thailand in after 4 1/2 years of contact isnt going to show you.

we all have our reasons why we do anything and i guess you have yours :Erm:

[KeithD]

It would have been better not supporting her and using the money to visit instead.

Money talks when it comes to an annulment, it can speed up the process.

[Tawi2]

She is, as far as I can tell, a totally honest


I found out after about a year that she was married but had been separated for 7 years

You havent ruined her life at all,thats a fact,dont beat yourself up over it,some relationships arent/werent meant to be,yours has run its course,thats life,move on and advise her to do the same,if she is 100% honest with you how come you didnt find out she was married till a whole year AFTER your relationship began?:Erm:

[IanB]

Thanks. A visit to her on the day we met wouldn't have uncovered the marriage. Also she lost her job, allegedly, when she visited me in Thailand and said she could then not find work.

I am hoping she can pull herself together, move in with her friend, and find a job. I would be willing to pay the final instalment on the anullment if it ever happens.

I wish she had more friends, though.

[Steve.r]

I dont want to sound bad or unfeeling here, but maybe she is more upset that she will be losing her income from now on. Life has been easy for her with your support, why should she work ? of course she will be upset.

[Tawi2]

After a 7 year MIA pinoy husband,filing for presumptive death would have given quicker results than annulment,there are a number of AWOL hubbies wandering around Pinas unaware of their own demise.

[Ako Si Jamie]

To be brutally honest, no you haven't ruined her life and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty. It sounds to me that she's in 'pieces' because she's worried about losing her £200 monthly payment.

You've met her once in over four years, she's lied to you about being married and she failed to turn up to meet you last year. Call me cynical, but it looks like you've been taken for a ride. Apologies if I sound harsh but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. :)

[guyki]

To be brutally honest, no you haven't ruined her life and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty. It sounds to me that she's in 'pieces' because she's worried about losing her £200 monthly payment.

You've met her once in over four years, she's lied to you about being married and she failed to turn up to meet you last year. Call me cynical, but it looks like you've been taken for a ride. Apologies if I sound harsh but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. :)

About to say the same and TBH i would never let my GF stay in AC will I'm sponsoring her,cut your losses and move on she will most definately find someone else and forget about.As said in previous posts use the money you were sending and get yourself back to Phills

[grahamw48]

Sorry....thought this was a wind-up after my initial reading. :Erm:

If it isn't, kindly accept my apologies.

I've lived for several years in AC, and been visiting for over 20.

For a lady NOT to be able to find gainful employment in that town, unless she is a deaf dumb and blind paraplegic is virtually impossible.

Sad to say, I have met numerous young and not so young ladies in AC who have been rather upset when a regular Western Union cheque didn't arrive. Sometimes they were receiving cheques from several boyfriends though....so not the end of the world for them.

I would suggest you put this down to experience, save your money, and get yourself out to the Phils for an extended visit, as far away from Angeles as possible.

Look for a lady WITHOUT a husband (sly check with friends and relations), and WITH a job.
There are hundreds of thousands to choose from.

Good luck. :)

[bornatbirth]

Sorry....thought this was a wind-up after my initial reading. :Erm:


why did you think that?, spend enough time in the forum and you will read many posts which seem hard to believe.

i didnt know ianb had been chatting to her for over 4 years and thought it was a short time relationship due to him being in the process of getting divorced from his wife...btw have you been giving her money all the time you have know her :Erm:

[grahamw48]

I was being polite. :icon_lol:

[mindanao]

sometimes we have to give up to gain more. you didn't ruin her life, you did what is the best for her to be responsible in managing her life. Cheer up.

Sitting around all day can be boring:NoNo: AC has a lot to offer in terms of employment.

[IanB]

Thanks guys. Messages from Angeles from her best friend suggestvshe is in hospital. I know she suffers from a recurrent ulcer problem. I am still as sure as I can be that she is just a rather naive person who put a lot of trust in me and I broke it.

Having said that, something in the email has definitely raised my suspicions. I have asked for the name of the hospital. I wonder if anyone in AC can check it out?

[Steve.r]

Thanks guys. Messages from Angeles from her best friend suggestvshe is in hospital. I know she suffers from a recurrent ulcer problem. I am still as sure as I can be that she is just a rather naive person who put a lot of trust in me and I broke it.

Having said that, something in the email has definitely raised my suspicions. I have asked for the name of the hospital. I wonder if anyone in AC can check it out?

Stories from a 'best friend' will tell you exactly what you need to hear to make you feel bad. Find out which hospital she is in and call them...... see if she is really there!!!! DO NOT be tempted to send money .... I smell a rat! :furious3:

[grahamw48]

Note to self :Erm:...shutup. :NoNo:

[jhoana]

so sad but if u really feel she is honest n if u really love her fiht for it till u got the chnce to be together,be patient n 2years wating is not too long thn nothing aat all,

[jhoana]

if ever u need a shoulder just lean on me n i am willing to listen:)anywy im from angeles too

[grahamw48]

if ever u need a shoulder just lean on me n i am willing to listen:)anywy im from angeles too

Maybe you can check on his girl in the hospital. :)

[Tawi2]

her best friend suggestvshe is in hospital.
There used to be a guy on here called Noel AKA oakbranch,he had chatted often with a lady from mindanao,at the time of the maguindanao massacre in shariff aguak her "Best friend" TXT Noel claiming his chatmate had been shot twice in an ambush :doh Noel asked her which hospital she was in as several forum members were prepared to check on her condition,surprise...........surprise :rolleyes: He never heard from her again :icon_lol:

[branno]

Sorry....thought this was a wind-up after my initial reading. :Erm:

If it isn't, kindly accept my apologies.


I've lived for several years in AC, and been visiting for over 20.

For a lady NOT to be able to find gainful employment in that town, unless she is a deaf dumb and blind paraplegic is virtually impossible.

Sad to say, I have met numerous young and not so young ladies in AC who have been rather upset when a regular Western Union cheque didn't arrive. Sometimes they were receiving cheques from several boyfriends though....so not the end of the world for them.

I would suggest you put this down to experience, save your money, and get yourself out to the Phils for an extended visit, as far away from Angeles as possible.

Look for a lady WITHOUT a husband (sly check with friends and relations), and WITH a job.
There are hundreds of thousands to choose from.

Good luck. :)

ouch graham, deaf and dumb is note is not such polite terms... :NoNo:

[KeithD]

if ever u need a shoulder just lean on me n i am willing to listen:)anywy im from angeles too

That's a hint Ian ;)

[philphil61]

@IanB I don't know how to answer this problem other than I have learned a lot from the above respected members and appreciate their advice without question.

I think you need to check her out as you're still sending money and I too question if she is being totally honest about everything

You have to have lived there Ian to see it first hand... I had an internet cafe and the mature ladies (married or in relationship) would come in daily (some several times a day and some with their partner playing on the next pc) to chat to "their foreign bf's" and give the usual sob story.

IT HAPPENS AND IT'S REAL - if in doubt check them out!!!!

but not all pinoy are like this - there must be some becoz we have some lucky members here - we just need to find them without too much pain.

Hope you find resolve in your current thoughts.....

[Arthur Little]

:nono-1-1: ... on the contrary ... it's probably best you "cut your losses" before she ruins yours - financially!

[Englishman2010]

:nono-1-1: ... on the contrary ... it's probably best you "cut your losses" before she ruins yours - financially!

I agree with Arthur and the sentiments of the others. I'm sure you don't want to be told this by the members, but having been a victim of a lying, cheating, money grabbing ex Filipina g/f myself and listening to the good advice from the guys and girls on here, walk away now before she ruins your life both emotionally and financially. It's not easy to walk away, but there are lots of genuine Filipina's out there, and second time around I now have a truly great g/f who i know is completely honest, loyal and faithful to me, and beautiful too :)
Put it down to experience, learn from it and move on. In 12 months time you will thank yourself for being brave enough to walk away

[malditako]

it is indeed a shocking news to someone when they about to lose an income that entirely supports them...and more dreadful losing someone whom you love, whom you focus your life and whom you build your dreams and your future with...in just a snap.

if she is as u said a totally honest, kind, and good lady then i cant imagine how she lives her day now.

[grahamw48]

Maybe looking for a job ? :Erm:

[IanB]

And she miraculously recovered when I asked about the hospital!

[grahamw48]

And she miraculously recovered when I asked about the hospital!

Look on the positive side:

You're a free man now, and with extra money in your pocket. :D

Buy a ticket to the Phils...soon. :)

[Tawi2]

And she miraculously recovered when I asked about the hospital!
:icon_lol:

[Englishman2010]

Look on the positive side:

You're a free man now, and with extra money in your pocket. :D

Buy a ticket to the Phils...soon. :)

If you save what you were sending over each month, within a couple or 3 months you'll have enough money to buy a ticket to Manila. Get yourself over there for a couple of weeks, it's the best way to get to meet girls - but just be careful of any girls you meet if you go into a 'Buy me drink bar' - they are bad news.
If you go to Greenbelt or Ayala Malls in Makati, there are lots of regular girls there, the bars are normal bars full of guys and girls who work in the call centre industry (none of the seedy 'Buy me drink' bars there:xxgrinning--00xx3:. They all speak fluent US/English, have good jobs and won't be out to scam you.
Even if you don't find your true love out there, you will definitely make some new friends who may be able to introduce you to other genuine Filipina's who you can meet on subsequent visits.
If I were on the look out for a new girl, it's the way I'd do it, forget dating sites, they are too long winded and full of too many scammers. Get yourself out there, have a great holiday and make lots of friends. Filipino's are very friendly and hospitable and love making friends with westerners:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[malditako]

If you go to Greenbelt or Ayala Malls in Makati, there are lots of regular girls there, the bars are normal bars full of guys and girls who work in the call centre industry (none of the seedy 'Buy me drink' bars there:xxgrinning--00xx3:. They all speak fluent US/English, have good jobs and won't be out to scam you.
:

:NoNo:..there are in fact lots of hookers and scammers in every corner of makati even inside the posh bars and resto bars not to mention cafe havana in greenbelt and starbucks in 6750 infront of shangrila looking very posh and talk fluent english and am telling you they are more smart in getting a mans wallet, they know better to play the game than girls you met online. so be aware.

[grahamw48]

Too true...and prices are getting extortionate too...so I'm told. :)

To be honest I'd pass straight through Manila and its horrendous pollution and find a nice provincial town...preferably with a beach.

[Manila_Paul]

as it really been that long?

how soon would you of expected her to be with you.

this is the problem when you dont go and meet them at their home and see what their lives are really like, meeting once in thailand in after 4 1/2 years of contact isnt going to show you.

This.

It has taken me a good 4 months of regular in person dating and living together for me to figure out my mahal. And I don't think I'm fully there yet.... and may never get there! :icon_lol:

Online dating is a positive development allowing easier cross cultural relationships.... but the aim should be a first connection which allows you to meet and date in person. Long term. You wouldn't have a 4 and a half year long distance relationship with a woman you met online who was from Scotland - so why do it with a Filipina? More so when the culture is so different. This isn't to say that these relationships don't eventually work out for many people, especially those who post on here, but the odds aren't good.

It would be less of a gamble to save up and go out for 6 months or a year. You will start to understand the culture and you will almost certainly form relationships, romantic and otherwise. You will meet girls who don't post profiles on internet dating sites. I would say all that gives you a far, far higher chance of meeting someone that is right for you. Good luck.

[Manila_Paul]

:NoNo:..there are in fact lots of hookers and scammers in every corner of makati even inside the posh bars and resto bars not to mention cafe havana in greenbelt and starbucks in 6750 infront of shangrila looking very posh and talk fluent english and am telling you they are more smart in getting a mans wallet, they know better to play the game than girls you met online. so be aware.

Only places like Cafe Havana and a couple of others, which nearly everyone is aware of. Generally, if the place is packed out with foriegners, then you should probably avoid. But there are plenty of exceptions. This said, I do have a friend who isn't a working girl who has said she's hung out at Cafe Havana. And she's very, very classy. The problem remains distinguishing who is geniune and who is working! Just not worth the effort when you can go elsewhere.

Lots of ordinary Filipinas are just out for the night in places like Greenbelt. Although it is probably not the best option because of how expensive it is and the fact that there are a few places with a rep. Metrowalk in Ortigas is probably a better option. None of the bars there, that are know of, are known for having any working girls. This is along with places like Padi's Point, which is favourite. The real main red light district in Makati is actually about 1km down the road near P.Burgos.

However, there is still the issue that, because of places like Cafe Havana, many Filipinas who hang out in the area will be somewhat suspicious of the intentions of foreigners. So you need to have some game. Knowing the language is the main big bonus. It marks you out from the short term sex tourist visitor, who wouldn't be expected to bother with such necessities.

[IanB]

Thanks for the advice guys but I'm not in the market for another right now!

[philphil61]

@IanB I feel the same "not in the market" but somehow I just can't stay away from wanting to talk to filipina. I keep telling myself I've been hurt too much and I cannot even provide for myself becoz of the ..... I'm in - but I just can't stay away...... boang!

[mistermatty]

Sorry....thought this was a wind-up after my initial reading. :Erm:

If it isn't, kindly accept my apologies.

I've lived for several years in AC, and been visiting for over 20.

For a lady NOT to be able to find gainful employment in that town, unless she is a deaf dumb and blind paraplegic is virtually impossible.

Sad to say, I have met numerous young and not so young ladies in AC who have been rather upset when a regular Western Union cheque didn't arrive. Sometimes they were receiving cheques from several boyfriends though....so not the end of the world for them.

I would suggest you put this down to experience, save your money, and get yourself out to the Phils for an extended visit, as far away from Angeles as possible.

Look for a lady WITHOUT a husband (sly check with friends and relations), and WITH a job.
There are hundreds of thousands to choose from.

Good luck. :)

Good advice there ......cant help but think you might of been taken for a bit of a ride .....i have seen many girls in chatrooms with several open chat windows talking to guys and just copying and pasting the same replies etc etc ....maybe your lucky it did not cost you more than 200 quid a month thats gotta be close 13k a month .

[sweetnote143]

And she miraculously recovered when I asked about the hospital!

:laugher: isn't that something! my gosh! i can't understand how people can go such length....it is best to listen to the people here....true that life is hard in the Philippines but generally life is hard wherever part you are in the world.....now you have the answer, find a good woman who is not going to sit around for your financial support and tell you sob story that she is having a hard time getting a job. That's a fat lie unless she's being too picky, wanting a high paying job yet doesn't have the right qualification. I'm not being snob just because I have the right degree and the right job. Menial jobs are pretty decent,not something to be ashamed of. What's shameful is milking a hard-earned money from a respectable man.

[Moy]

you have to trust your instinct IanB :)

[IanB]

Thanks for your reply.

I don't know a lot about the Philippines, but from what I have seen there is a massive divide between the poor and the middle classes / rich. To the extent that neither side can genuinely understand how the other half lives. So while I do not entirely believe her, I do believe that unless you have a degree your are open only for menial jobs on povery wages and with no protection against exploitation under the law. In fact I don't think there are many countries in which it would be worse to be poor.

[Tawi2]

I don't think there are many countries in which it would be worse to be poor.
I can think of a number,at least in Pinas you often have utang na loob and the family to support you,theres loads of countries worse than pinas,thats a fact ;)

[grahamw48]

Yet they seem to be always so cheerful, funloving and generous, despite all the hardships.

So smart and spotlessly clean too.

There is a lot to be admired about the ordinary Filipino people. :)

[sweetnote143]

Thanks for your reply.
So while I do not entirely believe her, I do believe that unless you have a degree your are open only for menial jobs on povery wages and with no protection against exploitation under the law. In fact I don't think there are many countries in which it would be worse to be poor.

IanB, you're right that you dont know a lot about my country. It's unfair for you to assume that those who dont have degree are exploited under the law. though there are some employers who do that but workers have the right to be protected from exploitation and they can complain to government agencies or organization if they're being treated poorly. Factory workers are protected by unions and househelpers are provided with SSS. It's hard to find a job but once determined. I may have a degree but I used to work in a canteen doing dishes and waiting tables. I've worked in the farm, planting rice. That was far beyond my qualifications but I never ever felt ashamed because the jobs were decent. I didnt steal nor beg so there was no need for me to be ashamed that the jobs were menial. I've meet a lot of poor people but they never rely on anybody to survive, they work hard.

Tawi2 is right....there are a lot of countries poorer than us, it's not worse being poor here. Worse is if you live in a war torn country, that's worse and they were not given a choice of life they want to have.

[Manila_Paul]

though there are some employers who do that but workers have the right to be protected from exploitation and they can complain to government agencies or organization if they're being treated poorly. Factory workers are protected by unions

Unions which are completely neutered by very harsh anti-union laws. IIRC the wildcat bus strike in Manila a while back against coding result in a 6 month ban for the bus companies involved. Extraordinary repression.

The Philippines is certainly nowhere near as poor as is thought but ordinary workers are in a rotten position. My girlfriend casually told me about 'Endo' one day as if it was the most normal thing in the world. :doh