advice

[worthingmale]

hello

right met a girl online, chatted for ages didnt send her any money, spoke for like 4 months, she sent me a card got on really well.

She would go to internet cafe to chat to me or her cousins.

Cut a long story short, I went to visit her, met her family in her house, met her cousins, aunties, nephews. We went on some dates and I paid for the big things and she paid for the small things.

Came back to England and we kept talking, I bougt her a laptop but she had to pay for her smart usb load.

She didnt have a job so I offered to help her end some money so she could get all the forms she needed top work in the mall.

About 2 months ago I got an email saying her Dad was ill in hospital and she was very worried, alarm bells started going off. She went to visit him and was worried about the money for medicine.

She said the phil health didnt cover all of it and because he wasnt old enough only 56 would get very little help from the government. She asked me if she could borrow the money, but only half of it. The total was 11,000 peso but I only gave her 6,000. She said the rest she would get from her other family.

I said that this was a lot of trust I was giving to her and when I came back in November this year she would pay me back. This was 2 months ago and it has gone quiet her end. I have waited to chat to her on yahoo, I have tried to phone her but nothing.

She works 6 days a week 10 hours a day for 150 pesos, so if the continued medication for her Dad would be taking all of her salaries.

Do you think she is spending all her money on her Dad getting better so she cant afford to contact me, or that she has taken the money and gone.

If she has taken the money and gone then fine, at least I know now and not before we got married. Do I wait to see if she does get in contact. Dont really know what to do as dont know whats going on.

As I say when I met her, she was worried about being labelled a gold digger and made sure I had receipts for everything we did.

[Steve.r]

Sorry to hear of your present situation,

I guess if you really want to dig, if you know of the hospital her father was supposed to have gone to, you could call them to see if he was admitted.

Sounds like a classic scam call to me, but you have been to visit her already, so if she is scamming.. she obviously had an agenda from the start, maybe they all knew and are in on it.

Do you know any of her other contacts/friends/cousins you can contact ?

[worthingmale]

the other thing I thought about is that she borrowed the money, cant afford to pay it back and didnt want to lose "face" by telling me this.

When I met her, it was the first date I found out she had been on, never been to a different city where I took her to and we had a chaperone.

Her family took me to the airport, looked after me, even asked me to stay in their house.

Unfortunalety I dont have any other contacts.

But if you really like somebody you would make the effort somehow to contact them, unless you want to hide something, or cant pay the money back.

[Steve.r]

But if you really like somebody you would make the effort somehow to contact them, unless you want to hide something, or cant pay the money back.

You are right, I would also make every effort be it for good or bad news.

[Pete/London]

I would keep an open mind about it as it could all be down to embarrassment, has she got your address, or better still write to her and see if she responds.
Some things can be said easier in a letter, my wife`s family were great letter writers.

[bornatbirth]

I would keep an open mind about it as it could all be down to embarrassment, has she got your address, or better still write to her and see if she responds.
Some things can be said easier in a letter, my wife`s family were great letter writers.

you could be right, send her message and take it from there.

let her know that you understand how life in the philipines is and when they say can they borrow money it means you dont get it back....you knew that too :Erm: :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Dedworth]

Sorry to hear this - no contact for two months = no excuse. I'd put it down to experience and move on. Good luck

[joebloggs]

i'm sure she could get the money or go to a friends to send you a txt or an email, to hear nothing after you've helped her out is :angry:

but you've met her family, life in the phils for some people can be very difficult, but like pete says keep an open mind and see if she contacts you soon and see what she has to say

[sweetnote143]

pete is right, keep an open mind. you dont know for sure what's happening with her right now. though, whatever maybe is her reason, it's not an excuse not to contact you for two months. she can find ways even if she doesnt have money. if in case she lost her phone and havent memorized your number, there is the internet. email address is easy to remember. there are a lot of ways to keep in touch whatever the circumstances we are all in.

just what my mom used to tell me, "If there is a will, there is a way."

I hope you'll hear from her soon.

[worthingmale]

yep knew that a "loan" means you dont get it back, and as it was for her Father if "genuine" I would not have wanted it back.

but no contact oh well

guess I have to start looking again

[Terpe]

worthingmale,
Reading your story, I must say it doesn't shout out scam.
Seems like everything was going along fine.

If her father was ill in hospital, you can be sure that she will do everything possible to support his medical needs. This would include selling the laptop if necessary.
Maybe she felt you did not provide the support to her she expected. Who knows.

That she has failed to contact you at all, despite the fact that you have tried a number of times to phone, text and e-mail to her is worrying. I agree with sweetnote, where there's a will there's a way. A simple text to someone she cares about is certainly an easy thing to do.

Personally, and sorry to say this, I cannot think of many circumstances where she is unable to make any kind of contact for 2 months if she still has your contact details.
Especially if there were no relationship issues at the last contact. Maybe she just wanted a way out if something did happen.

There's been some good suggestions, such as a letter to her home or some form of contact to the hospital or to her known friends and other family.
For me, I would try to somehow get to the bottom of this.
Maybe even some forum members could help out locally in some way, like contact to the hospital etc.

As others have said try to keep a positve open mind on all outcomes

[Englishman2010]

As Dedworth says, put it down to experience and move on. I'm sure you have feelings for this girl and it will be hard, but I guarantee it will be easier to do it today than it will in the future and will stop you suffering from more dissappointment and let downs in the future. I speak from experience of this, I was with my last Filipina g/f for 10 months, the warning signs were there after a month but I ignored them time and time again, thinking I could change her:rolleyes::doh

There's no point being miserable in a relationship when there are lots of geniune girls out there who will do all they can to make you happy and keep in touch with you.

[worthingmale]

she only asked for half the money, as she said she could find the other half, so I was hapyp to send.

Agree everything was going along fine.

She has all my contatct details, email address, yahoo messenger, cell phone, house phone, home address everything.

The not knowing is the major thing really that is getting to me. If I knew either way it would be okay, and we both agreed as we are from different cultures that we would go slow, learn about each other, and explain things.

I actually told her to sell the laptop if she needed to, to raise the other money.

She lives in Tagum City so not sure if there are any forum members near there.

[Terpe]

she only asked for half the money, as she said she could find the other half, so I was hapyp to send.

Agree everything was going along fine.

She has all my contatct details, email address, yahoo messenger, cell phone, house phone, home address everything.

The not knowing is the major thing really that is getting to me. If I knew either way it would be okay, and we both agreed as we are from different cultures that we would go slow, learn about each other, and explain things.

I actually told her to sell the laptop if she needed to, to raise the other money.

She lives in Tagum City so not sure if there are any forum members near there.

I think there are some members in that area, but maybe not regulars.
From what you've said it certainly appears that she does not want to continue.
Sorry for that, many of us here know just how it hurts.

I'm still doubtful it was a premeditated scam though.

[sweetnote143]

The not knowing is the major thing really that is getting to me.


I understand that part.....not knowing what's happening will drive anyone mad.

if you have her home address, write to her or any members of her family. It's probably likely that her family still lives there. if you still can manage, give her another month but if you cant wait it is best to move on. not easy but you'll survive.

[Bluebirdjones]

My two-pence worth ?

You’ve talked for a long time, you,ve gone out and seen her, you’ve met her family, you’ve been invited to their home. And in all that time, she never asked for anything. This ain’t a scam.

6,000p ain’t a lot of money to us ….. but to her, it could mean the difference between life & death.
Who was it who suggested that the money be repaid in November ? Her or you ?
If you….. no wonder she’s not in contact. She earns 150p per day …… how the hell is she gonna be able to save 6,000p by November ? It’s not possible. She’s probably spending every last peso she earns on paying for her father’s medicine or paying off the money-lender.

Your comment “I’m giving you a lot of trust” was crass……. She obviously now feels that she’s abused this trust. She can’t repay you, and she’s totally embarrassed.
And you’re worried about getting your £82 back ???????????????????????????

If you really care about, or love this woman, you should be writing to her… telling her that the money is not important (altho’ you haven’t really got much more to spare), that her father’s health is, and your comments should not have been taken literally.

If you don’t care…….. forget her, forget her hospitality, forget her family’s welcome… and move on.

[Steve.r]

Your comment “I’m giving you a lot of trust” was crass……. .why??????:Erm::rolleyes: I think sensible

If it was a scam, think on this. She told you that she needed 11,000peso. You offered 6000peso, so there you go, she has 6 grand in her pocket for free.
There is so far no evidence of her father going to hospital. I could tell you all the same too, but you wouldn't know. I would explore that route first for closure if she still does not get in touch.

[Moy]

listening to your intuation..:) sometimes it does help:)

[Bluebirdjones]

Steve, wake up and smell the coffee.

If she was scamming him, she'd have either taken him for a reasonable amount while he was there, or after getting the first "hand-out" of 6,000p, would have made repeated requests for more.

Neither scenario happened.


Additionally, if WorthingMale is serious about this woman.... and after travelling all that way to see her, and meeting her family, and being invited to their home.... then the next step is developing trust between each other, because surely the next step is marriage, n'est pas ?

So, if you can't trust your future wife with £82, then there's no point in continuing with the relationship is there ?

[Steve.r]

All I am saying is that we dont know, nor does Worthing'.

I am sure I would I feel all sorts of emotions at this stage. We can hope on his behalf that it is just a communication break down, not a physical break of trust. There are many scenarios, we can only offer suggestions and hope for the best.

[stevie c]

it crys out scam to me imo take deds advice & move :NoNo: on plenty of more women in the phils who would be only to happy to be your gf :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[worthingmale]

she asked to borrow the money, she offered to pay it back.

I knew when I was sending it to her I would never get it back which I was and still am fine.

The issue about trust is that it was being used for her Dad and not shoes or cellphone. You have to learn about people, they have to earn your trust and same the other way round. She might thought I was trying to use her like so many foreign men use asian women.

If I could only get hold of her I could tell her this, but nothing.

Thankyou for advice and inputs from everybody.

[sars_notd_virus]

but no contact oh well

guess I have to start looking again

2months is a long wait to know whats going on,... trust your instinct and move on!!

If she likes or loves you,..she will not be ashame/lie and not let you know whats happening whether you will like the circumstances or not.

[stevewool]

if you had a great time out there when you went , look at it this way whats 6000 peso , if she is still around goodluck just wait for the explination, but also if money is tight and this is from experiance, food and medicine is more important then making contact with you,you will know when to move on again goodluck

[bornatbirth]

she asked to borrow the money, she offered to pay it back.

I knew when I was sending it to her I would never get it back which I was and still am fine.


you should of told her that from the being :xxgrinning--00xx3:

is she not on facebook or do you know any of her family.....try posing as another person or go and see her :Erm:

[worthingmale]

latest update she appeared online and sent me message. I was not online to talk so only received message.

she apologised for not being able to talk for many months, and not to think she is hiding from me becuase I sent her money.
She is working and she is studying at college so is busy 7 days a week. She is studying to FBSA food and beverage service.

She graduates in October and wants me to be there, and she was planning to suprise me and ask me to be there. She said it was nto becuase of embarassed and not to think like that and said sorry for worrying me. That I should not think any negatives, I replied I had to much time to think, and think and think and think.

I sent her a message back going, 2 months is to long not to talk, we need to talk more often, and there must be a way to talk. That I didnt want any money back, and that her family is more important that money.

The she dissapeared again, the one thing I did say was even if you are busy leave me a message or email saying you are busy and that everything is okay.

Who knows what happens from here ?? Normally I am a very private person and hate airing my private stuff in public, but thought you guys had been through similar so could help and support me.

[grahamw48]

Steve, wake up and smell the coffee.

If she was scamming him, she'd have either taken him for a reasonable amount while he was there, or after getting the first "hand-out" of 6,000p, would have made repeated requests for more.

Neither scenario happened.


Additionally, if WorthingMale is serious about this woman.... and after travelling all that way to see her, and meeting her family, and being invited to their home.... then the next step is developing trust between each other, because surely the next step is marriage, n'est pas ?

So, if you can't trust your future wife with £82, then there's no point in continuing with the relationship is there ?

For what it's worth, I tend to agree with you.

Purely speculative of course, but since the OP was asking, and we have limited info' to go on....:)

Of course there could be any number of competing boyfriends.
From what I've witnessed over the years, nothing would surprise me. :rolleyes:

[Tawi2]

Ridiculous amount of time without contact,she is starting to sound a little like Mickcants ex-wife,study isnt a valid reason for lack of contact,thats utter crap to be honest,Personally I wouldnt allow any woman to pull my strings like that expecting me to dance at her beck and call contacting me on a whim when she felt like it :rolleyes: But she is your woman worthing,your call.

[worthingmale]

what was mickcants ex-wife like ?

its messing with my head now

[Tawi2]

The she dissapeared again
Your a 33 year old mature man,dont let a woman play with your head,Micks wife was from Mindanao,she had a habit of dissapearing on a whim and turning up when she felt like it as if nothing was wrong,despite what you read on this forum Pinays dont all make perfect partners,theres good,bad and exceedingly ugly just like any other ethnicity :icon_lol: Value yourself a little bit more than you seem to be doing at the moment,stop her games now!You can get another woman very easily who is perfect for you.

[worthingmale]

guess I lay down the law really,

we talk or I walk

[Tawi2]

If your content to be walked-over for the rest of your marital then remain as you are,some pinays are very manipulative,I have known a number,others play silly mind-games,what they dont realise is they normally backfire on them :icon_lol: Where is this lady from?:Erm:

[worthingmale]

tagum near davao

[Tawi2]

She has no regard whatsoever for your feelings Worthing,I will let you into a little secret,your the last train out of town,most guys who chat on sites to these women never in reality go and visit them,your different,you got off your butt and went down to Mindanao,she should be bending over backwards to accommodate you :doh I wouldnt try and maintain the "Relationship" its a truism theres plenty more fish in the sea,if your hearts dead-set on having a filipina as a partner I will line you double-figures up for your next visit to Davao,but this girl is treating you like a disposable commodity,she contacts you when it suits her,she is lucky your so relaxed about the situation :Erm:

[Pete/London]

guess I lay down the law really,

we talk or I walk

Think I agree with Tawi2 on this as it wasn`t much of a reason for not keeping in touch. No commitment on her part..think seriously about moving on :)

[worthingmale]

when you put it like that, after re-reading her email she says she was so busy she couldnt contact me.

Even when I am busy I still contact people to say, hi bit busy at the moment will get in touch soon.

guess I really need to be introduced to a lady, and not meet them of the internet.

[Tawi2]

wasn`t much of a reason
Its no reason whatsoever Pete,she couldnt spare 5 minutes for an e-mail in 2 whole months?Mind-games mate!I have a friend at the moment going through the wringer in Hong Kong because a pinay is playing mind-games with him,some of these "Perfect" women have a myriad of imperfections :icon_lol:
5 minutes for an e-mail,not long is it for someone who really loves you :rolleyes:

[Steve.r]

guess I lay down the law really,

we talk or I walk

Not a case of laying down the law Worthing' .... it is a case of WALK AWAY....

You have been burnt by this girl and I am sure you have strong feelings for her and think that you might be able to turn it around (hence your quote 'lay down the law') but in reality I think you know, and it has been said, that you can do far better. There are some real genuine ladies out there who would treat you like you deserve. It will be her loss at the end of the day, she messed up, dont feel bad about it. Have some self respect, move on, do not entertain anymore communitcation from her.

Start fishing again, good luck. :)

[worthingmale]

you guys are right,

back on findloveasia.com again then

or be introduced

[Tawi2]

Theres around 80,640 minutes in 2 months,thats a lot of study even allowing for a ten minute online YM chat each week just to put someones mind at rest :Erm:

back on findloveasia.com again then
Scrap that!Your going to get all sorts of oddballs and other peoples cast-offs,I am sure someone on this site will have a half-way decent relative in your age bracket who would treat you like a human being if they got the chance to be introduced,prepare to be swept off your feet by a flood of applicants,good luck.

[worthingmale]

well I will start a thread looking for love and see what happens

cheers for the advice everybody,

[Tawi2]

well I will start a thread looking for love
Dont look for love,look for a friend and see what develops,you have a lot of things going for you,your a young guy who has the luxury of time,remember marry in haste repent at leisure ;) You will meet Mrs Worthingmale ;)

[simpleHeart]

Even when I am busy I still contact people to say, hi bit busy at the moment will get in touch soon.


She is very lucky Worthing that she have your time, or given her time even in your busiest day, which is the thing she lost, I admire her that he found you, but she take it for granted, ..I hope you will really find the woman that really cares for you and want you for who you are..good luck..and wish you the best...life still goes on...:)

Just cheer up:Hellooo:

[joebloggs]

latest update she appeared online and sent me message. I was not online to talk so only received message.

she apologised for not being able to talk for many months, and not to think she is hiding from me becuase I sent her money.
She is working and she is studying at college so is busy 7 days a week. She is studying to FBSA food and beverage service.

She graduates in October and wants me to be there, and she was planning to suprise me and ask me to be there. She said it was nto becuase of embarassed and not to think like that and said sorry for worrying me. That I should not think any negatives, I replied I had to much time to think, and think and think and think.

I sent her a message back going, 2 months is to long not to talk, we need to talk more often, and there must be a way to talk. That I didnt want any money back, and that her family is more important that money.

The she dissapeared again, the one thing I did say was even if you are busy leave me a message or email saying you are busy and that everything is okay.

Who knows what happens from here ?? Normally I am a very private person and hate airing my private stuff in public, but thought you guys had been through similar so could help and support me.

my misses traveled on a bus for hours a day to and from uni, left early , got home late, she didn't have inet at home then, but still managed to send me emails most days
by going to inet cafe late at night, i put a stop to that when i found out, i didn't want her going out at night, and paid for inet, but where there is a WILL there is a WAY :rolleyes:

[Tawi2]

Simpleheart serendipitously found the thread ;)

[simpleHeart]

Give your time to one who worth for it...Learn the lesson and be careful for the next time, especially on dating site, most of them just want a foreigner to look after her and the rest of her family, It is not for general, but sad to say mostly do it,..Just be vigilant..Love will really come at the right time, it will just knock on your door..:)

[simpleHeart]

Simpleheart serendipitously found the thread ;)

Hi Tawi2 nice to here you once again, just been back for 4 months healing process..

BTW what serendipitously means???:Erm:
make me lazy to ask Mr. Wikipedia:doh

[Tawi2]

BTW what serendipitously means???
Its a word much favoured by the sesquipedalians among us,its the faculty of fortuitous chance discovery :)

[sweetnote143]

Dont look for love,look for a friend and see what develops,you have a lot of things going for you,your a young guy who has the luxury of time,remember marry in haste repent at leisure ;) You will meet Mrs Worthingmale ;)

:xxgrinning--00xx3:

I agree with everyone here, 2 months is too long just because she was busy studying and working....I'm busy at my work but it never made me busy enough to send him SMS everyday....when you love someone you always find ways to keep in touch when you're far from each other...she doesnt love you enough to consider what you might be going through because of her silence.....what is 2 minutes or 5 minutes sending you an email from her busy schedule? I dont think that all her time is spent studying or working, what about while she's having lunch, dinner or breakfast? what about some breaks? when a person lose interest, she'll find lots of excuses...but for a person in love, she'll find ways to keep in touch.

[grahamw48]

This is true.

Normally you don't get a minute's peace from texts, YMs, Skype,facebook,etc. :icon_lol:

[scott&ligaya]

Simpleheart and Worthingmale hmmmmmm why not :):) we love forum romances hehehehe

[sweetnote143]

This is true.

Normally you don't get a minute's peace from texts, YMs, Skype,facebook,etc. :icon_lol:

ouch, graham :bigcry: :icon_lol: for sure he wont be bothered anymore by my SMS, emails, etc, since I gave him my word that I wont bother him anymore.....tough but my word is my law :icon_lol:

[sweetnote143]

Simpleheart and Worthingmale hmmmmmm why not :):) we love forum romances hehehehe

:icon_lol: why not, they are both single....hmmmmm.....love is just around the corner.....let's wait and see, guys, who knows 3 months from now they'll announce that they're in love with each other :heartshape1:

kidding aside, goodluck to both of you worthing and simpleheart.....may you both find love and I hope this time people who are worthy of your love and attention...God bless, guys

[scott&ligaya]

Come on young man Simpleheart may not be around for ever you know...go for it :hubbahubba:

[sweetnote143]

simpleheart is from Cebu if I got it right.....you can say hello when you go to Cebu...who knows you'll find out that you got a lot of things in common......who knows, nobody knows unless you give it a try