A desperate situation - advice needed

[troubled]

I worked in HK for 4 months and on my first night met a very attractive and intriguingly strange young woman who was ‘working’ as an escort girl, though by describing herself as a “worthless prostitute” I thought was a bit harsh and a sign of insecurity.
She was actually a bit of a snob and was very choosy who she went with but I understand she did what she needed to do at the time.

To cut a long story short, we had a relationship all the time I was there, we kept in touch when she was back at home in San Fernando (Pampanga) and I vowed to visit here there, however I couldn’t get the time off work.

The relationship intrigued me, I never really felt right or wrong but she fascinated me.

When my work in HK was done, we flew to The Phillipines together, it was my first time. I intended to stay in a motel near her town but she took me straight home and more than a month later I am still here.

The two motels we had looked at were horribly lonely and without internet, and the apartment we were going to move into last week fell through, the tenants could not move out for whatever reason.

Things have been fine, much better than Hong Kong where her mother still works as a domestic helper and, so I’m told, does not know what her daughter was doing in HK, none of the family know. She took me to meet her twice when we were in Hong Kong.

After two weeks here the mother rang (from HK) demanding, or at the very least – strongly insisting we marry as soon as possible as I was staying under the family roof.
After a couple of days of initial panic I reluctantly agreed to marry in July fearing if I refused I could be thrown onto the street with all my belongings by the father (who has a history of violence) or worse, end up dead.
There are no westerners here and I am not able to go very far alone or the family fear I will be kidnapped or robbed.
The family have been nice to me and I like them, there are 3 sisters between 25 and 30 (one is in Canada) and there’s one brother, 23, who has just had a baby with his girlfriend.


The girl in question is 27 and I am 32, soon 33. I have had a difficult life and have always longed for somebody to love. I am ready to settle but it must be with the right girl. The only real problems we have had is pressure from her family.
She says she loves me but I can’t feel it in times like these, it feels like she just wants to get married to please her family, doesn’t matter so much who she gets married too.

I really don’t want to leave her but she’s giving me little choice. I have offered to take her to England or Thailand with me (depending on where I get my next job) but she’s now taking her mothers opinion that if I can’t marry, she’ll be ok, she can be alone.

I am not a rich man but am from a reasonably wealthy family, she hasn’t shown much interest in coming to the UK and I could not live here. She doesn’t seem that material either and the family have not been greedy.

Things not good right now - she's giving it the "It's ok, if you can't do it (marry me) I can be alone", and know I can't, it feels SO wrong right now and all my friends, including one Fillipina are saying we should get away from the family.

I'm really suffering and she just stares at the cieling like its a major annoyance. It seems that getting married (to please the family) is far more important than whom the marraige is to. She simply can't see or refuses to see my POV and apologises coldly and clinically, in fact I've seen her in tears once in the 5 months I've known her. I'm not saying she's not hurting but I think she's just dreading what to tell her family - and that's not right.
I'm not saying I should come first, I'm saying that for HER not to be doubting things duing these horrible moments, for HER not to be showing me any support - i.e. Help us get away from the family pressure, and for HER to want everything her way is simply not right.

I don't think I can let this happen, not even sure if I will last until my visa runs out on June 3rd.

What should I do?

[KeithD]

Simple answer - Seen it on here before, same advice;

Plenty of beautiful single no baggage Filipino ladies around who will give you the love & respect you deserve.....start talking to Mary & Mitch on here :)

[jta]

hi mr. troubled,

both of u are on the right age...so why let the family influences your decisions and after all u will regrets. Dont be afraid of her family, u dont have any obligation towards them...anyway balance your heart and mind this time. But if i were u i will let my mind to over rule. u can find the best lady u always wanted to if and only if u open your eyes widely:) so goodluck!

[scotsfiancee]

Yeah u don't deserved to be with her, start a new life to a nice lady like mitch......she's a pretty woman. looking for a right a guy!

Here is her profile http://filipinaroses.com/member.php?u=1154


Goodluck mate

[baboyako]

:NoNo:

get a taxi to the airport asafp :Bolt:

don't even bother saying goodbye:rolleyes:

[andypaul]

The situation sounds complicated and like the others my advice is to move on. No family should be forcing you to do this or that.

Take care and hope things work out for you.

[walesrob]

I'll agree with most people on this thread, head for the nearest airport out of the Philippines, as soon as possible. As Keith says, theres plenty of nice single Filipinas out there looking for a good guy like you.

[robeth]

Its NEVER, NEVER a good idea to make any decisions when you are in doubt.
CHILL out, leave the scenario and think things over.

[troubled]

Some good advice there,

The reason this is so difficult is because I've never been sure about ANYTHING in my life. She is not they type of woman I would normally go for, but the type of woman I have normally gone for has usually been the wrong one. I know instinctively she would be a good wife and mother and though we may not be soulmates, we simply get on and that is the most important thing, being able to live together. I find her very irritating at times and I must be careful not to let selfishness get the better of me and take it out on her.

I will never know if it’s right or wrong and though I don’t HAVE to marry her I do feel obliged to because neither her or her mother can bear for her to be hurt again like she was by her Australian ex. I am also in the second month of my stay in the family home, despite an attempt to stay in a motel and get an apartment – I’m slightly suspicious the mother may have preferred me to stay in the house as it justifies her urgency for us to marry.

My visa runs out at the end of the month and I will go to Thailand to attend a friends wedding, collect money owed by a newspaper I write for and catch up with friends for a month which will be a good test and a chance for us to miss each other.

I am not in love with her but I do love her and care about her a lot and would not want to leave her knowing that she’d probably return to Hong Kong after her father would probably beat her up for embarrassing the family in front of the local community.

I don’t want to be treated differently just because some other guy broke her heart before, that happens – it’s life. But she is not cut out for being a working girl/escort – all be it a high class one. She was lucky in that her ‘customers’ we always very nice, young businessmen but she was not a ‘natural’ so to speak, very choosy and unfriendly and clinical which you can’t afford to be. If that’s what a girl is doing to help her family then she can either do it or can’t. I also sympathize with the fact that unless you are a domestic helper or work at the embassy, Hong Kong is not interested in poor people so there options are not great for Fillipinas or Thai’s out there.

She and I are very different but then again, opposites attract and I keep reminding myself that if conversation was as important to her as it is to me then we would probably have many arguments, however we have none. When we do fall out it is normally over this whole marriage business and she’s very defensive of her mother.

Time will tell and the month away I hope will give us the space we need – after all ‘The best things come to those who wait’ and “Fools rush in’ – Two sayings I wish the mother would acknowledge instead of being blinded by past experience and religion (Iglesial Chrstian not Catholic like rest of family) – if things do get worse I will get my own mother to call her mother and try to reason otherwise she will lose me and her daughter will be hurt again – not the outcome I wish for.

[troubled]

For some reason I can't post a reply here.

[troubled]

I has a long reply pasted and copied and it doesn't show up.

[fred]

You are being forced into a corner and that is wrong.
If this girl is not embarrassed by her families attitude towards their new guest then they are not good people.
Jump in a taxi to somewhere like the Swagman hotel which is in Angeles city and chill out for a week or two..You will meet lots of knowledgeable foreigners there that will bring you back down to earth..You can easily get your visa extended there if you need more time..
If the girl has a mobile,ring her after a week or two and see if her attitude has changed..
Personally I wouldn't hold my breath..Be careful when telling her your new location as you will have the whole family on your doorstep.
There are some fantastic places to visit in the R.P well away from Angles city and tours are easily arranged at the Swagman...
At least enjoy the rest of your stay.

[ate v]

Well, what can I say...typical situation happening to foreigners committed to a filipina. A way out of the Phils, her background, her job, her family.

I think you should ask yourself these questions? Are you really in love with her or the thought of being in love. Are you using your head or your heart. Are you ready to accept in case you get married her family...fyi when you marry a filipina you marry the family as well. Are you ready to face questions from your friends and family what she does BEFORE you met.. how did you meet.

The fact she left Hongkong with you is a good sign she's on your side but playing hard to get. I suggest you and her leave the family home and find somewhere 'quiet' for just the two of you. Your mind is now in the 'honeymoon stage' it's your heart telling you what to do and not your mind. I think in this situation you are in now, you have to be practical and logical. Find a place for the two of you and see how she is away from the prying relatives. She might be pressured by her family when she is with them. I think this girl have a good head over her shoulder taking into account of what she does for a living. At the moment she is in her teritory and she's trying to play her cards right. So play your cards well too.

Tell the family that you want to see other place in the Phils, while you are there, it's a good excuse to get while you can. Don't close your door on other potential partner to be. There are many fishes in the sea. I'm sure you will still think of her while you are on your own, distract yourself from that so you can concentrate more on the logical side of your situation.

Last but not least GOOD LUCK. Hope you make the best decision.

[Mich]

why dont you try giving each other a time apart... see if anything changes... if she wants to marry you for whatever reason, other than love... u better start thinking... both of ur lives will be miserable.

but if u love her enough to wait for her to change... then... goodluck! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[troubled]

Some good advice there,

The reason this is so difficult is because I've never been sure about ANYTHING in my life. She is not they type of woman I would normally go for, but the type of woman I have normally gone for has usually been the wrong one. I know instinctively she would be a good wife and mother and though we may not be soulmates, we simply get on and that is the most important thing, being able to live together. I find her very irritating at times and I must be careful not to let selfishness get the better of me and take it out on her.

I will never know if it’s right or wrong and though I don’t HAVE to marry her I do feel obliged to because neither her or her mother can bear for her to be hurt again like she was by her Australian ex. I am also in the second month of my stay in the family home, despite an attempt to stay in a motel and get an apartment – I’m slightly suspicious the mother may have preferred me to stay in the house as it justifies her urgency for us to marry.

My visa runs out at the end of the month and I will go to Thailand to attend a friends wedding, collect money owed by a newspaper I write for and catch up with friends for a month which will be a good test and a chance for us to miss each other.

I am not in love with her but I do love her and care about her a lot and would not want to leave her knowing that she’d probably return to Hong Kong after her father would probably beat her up for embarrassing the family in front of the local community.

I don’t want to be treated differently just because some other guy broke her heart before, that happens – it’s life. But she is not cut out for being a working girl/escort – all be it a high class one. She was lucky in that her ‘customers’ we always very nice, young businessmen but she was not a ‘natural’ so to speak, very choosy and unfriendly and clinical which you can’t afford to be. If that’s what a girl is doing to help her family then she can either do it or can’t. I also sympathize with the fact that unless you are a domestic helper or work at the embassy, Hong Kong is not interested in poor people so there options are not great for Fillipinas or Thai’s out there.

She and I are very different but then again, opposites attract and I keep reminding myself that if conversation was as important to her as it is to me then we would probably have many arguments, however we have none. When we do fall out it is normally over this whole marriage business and she’s very defensive of her mother.

Time will tell and the month away I hope will give us the space we need – after all ‘The best things come to those who wait’ and “Fools rush in’ – Two sayings I wish the mother would acknowledge instead of being blinded by past experience and religion (Iglesial Chrstian not Catholic like rest of family) – if things do get worse I will get my own mother to call her mother and try to reason otherwise she will lose me and her daughter will be hurt again – not the outcome I wish for.

Thanks again.

[troubled]

If a moderator is reading this please e-mail me with an explanation, about 5 times I have posted a long reply pasted from a word document which has appeared when posted but not when the page has reloaded.

Thanks everyone for your advice, I really can't type it all out again.

[Philip]

Way too much iffy stuff going on, move on!

[KeithD]

If a moderator is reading this please e-mail me with an explanation, about 5 times I have posted a long reply pasted from a word document which has appeared when posted but not when the page has reloaded.

Thanks everyone for your advice, I really can't type it all out again.

As your a new member, the forum is probably denying it due to links, or banned keywords, etc. No post checking after 15 posts........or it may just be too long.

[pennybarry]

That is what we called "PIKOT" in the Philippines:omg: :omg:

[joebloggs]

its what you call a shotgun wedding in the uk,
or a typical wedding for a scouser :D

ohhhh

:xxparty-smiley-004:

[KeithD]

Unlike Mancland, we don't use real shotguns, and crystal meth for cake decoration :)

[troubled]

She, like her mother in HK - just want peace of mind which I can understand. She has been badly hurt before and I don't want her to be hurt again but rushing into marraige will not guarantee hapiness, in fact it could force us apart, which brings me to another question.

I am going to Thailand for 30 days at the end of this month because my visa will expire and I have many things to do over there, people to see regarding a job and money to collect from a newspaper I was writing for. i am expected to return and marry in July.

Let's say I did marry her and it didn't work out, what would I stand to lose?

[aromulus]

She, like her mother in HK - just want peace of mind which I can understand. She has been badly hurt before and I don't want her to be hurt again but rushing into marraige will not guarantee hapiness, in fact it could force us apart, which brings me to another question.

I am going to Thailand for 30 days at the end of this month because my visa will expire and I have many things to do over there, people to see regarding a job and money to collect from a newspaper I was writing for. i am expected to return and marry in July.

Let's say I did marry her and it didn't work out, what would I stand to lose?

If you are so full of doubts yourself it is the alarm bells in your head sounding the " Abandon ship" tune.....
To be fair, you have to give the relationship more time as it stands. But to marry just to please the family ain't on.

I feel, I must also agree with the other forum members, don't even think of taking it on. She is only looking for some respectability in front of the family, neighbours, etc.

You are already going to Thailand, spend time there, re-evaluate the situation, and if you really feel you WANTto marry the girl, because you love her, then do it. In your own sweet time... not theirs.
But personally I would not be rushed into something I would be sorry for, for the rest of my life. Divorces in the Philippines are not the norm. And anulments are on the expensive side and carry a long winded time frame. So you could be stuck with some heavy baggage in case you really find the woman of your dreams.
Financially and emotionally, you would stand to lose quite a bit, if you went ahead...
I wanted to post earlier, and strongly advise to leave for other shores, and leave it all behind. My opinion hasn't changed... Close this sorry chapter and move on...

Only my 2 pence worth...

Dom

[troubled]

^ I agree with you but what is making this so difficult is that if I decide not to return from Thailand, what will she be facing? A beating from her father for shaming the family in front of the whole community? She would no doubt return to Hong Kong where she would end up 'working' again - and I wish her mother could know what she was doing then maybe she's have a bit more understanding of the situation.

She was a very choosy and almost snobbish working girl who angered a lot of young businessmen with her attitude, she wasn't cut out to be a working girl at all and didn't take it seriously, however - I want a better life for her and if I marry when I don't really feel I should then I could end up resenting her and making her life a misery.

If I leave her, it's still bad for her... I got myself into this situation, though in my defence I didn't realize I would be staying in the family home and expected to marry.

Maybe if I get a job in Thailand I should offer to fly her out to be with me and see what she says.

[vbkelly]

I has a long reply pasted and copied and it doesn't show up.

go home and think about it million times before your visa run out and still communicating to her if she dont bother to reply you,it time to go on fine another girl a lot of young filipina girls out there,dont waste your time to her if she dont bother to help you to out in her family...goodluck!

[KeithD]

^ I agree with you but what is making this so difficult is that if I decide not to return from Thailand, what will she be facing? A beating from her father for shaming the family in front of the whole community? She would no doubt return to Hong Kong where she would end up 'working' again - and I wish her mother could know what she was doing then maybe she's have a bit more understanding of the situation.

Proof if needed the 'emotional blackmail' is doing the trick. Everyone here can see it, you have tunnel vision & guilt.

Start talking to other Filipino's in chat rooms, dating sites, etc. You have plenty of time & choice, have a siesta from the relationship, step back (don't get drunk)....YOU ARE BEING USED.

Worried that her family may beat her? What has that got to do with you, they'd do it anyway, whether they knew you or not if that is the way they treat her.

She may go back to 'work' again. She's done it in the past, it won't bother her, classed as 'normal' for those type of girls.

All it means to her & the family is that they have to wait a little longer for a new white boy to come along to abuse.

[pennybarry]

I don't know exactly how long you are now staying in our country but my friend who owned a travel agency in the Manila told me that a tourist from UK and USA can stay in our country up to 1 year. All you need to do is to extend your visa for every 3 months. http://www.immigration.gov.ph/cms/
I still believe that there are still conservative families in the Philippines but I am not well convinced if she is. But then try to understand and talk to her Mom. Explain your side, a mother always understand. Have a try

[troubled]

^ Thanks for that, yes I will try, maybe in 3 weeks when I have my 1 month 'siesta' so to speak.

One thing this has taught me, and I hope will teach her is that just because you love somebody it doesn't mean they are the right one to spend the next 40/50 years with.

To me, who you spend your life with is far more important than marraige itself. Having children, companionship, sex, love, friendship and romance are all natural whereas marraige is not, it is a label expected by others that cropped up somewhere in our history and real companionship is about each others world, however it is somewhat necessary when it comes to visas etc if you want to be together.

Not only that but these days only the very lucky find their soulmates, I think it's fortunate just to find someone you get on well with, and although she and I do get on, we make each other laugh and we are affectionate but despite her good English - I can't have a proper discussion with her, she simply isn't a conversationist, I can't even watch a documentary with her.

I really miss stuff like that.

[andypaul]

Proof if needed the 'emotional blackmail' is doing the trick. Everyone here can see it, you have tunnel vision & guilt.

Start talking to other Filipino's in chat rooms, dating sites, etc. You have plenty of time & choice, have a siesta from the relationship, step back (don't get drunk)....YOU ARE BEING USED.

Worried that her family may beat her? What has that got to do with you, they'd do it anyway, whether they knew you or not if that is the way they treat her.

She may go back to 'work' again. She's done it in the past, it won't bother her, classed as 'normal' for those type of girls.

All it means to her & the family is that they have to wait a little longer for a new white boy to come along to abuse.

Well put tough words but looks like the facts.

[walesrob]

Apologies to Troubled if you could not see all of your posts properly. For reasons unknown, some of your posts were put into "moderation queue" but I've approved them all now.

[aromulus]

Proof if needed the 'emotional blackmail' is doing the trick. Everyone here can see it, you have tunnel vision & guilt.

Start talking to other Filipino's in chat rooms, dating sites, etc. You have plenty of time & choice, have a siesta from the relationship, step back (don't get drunk)....YOU ARE BEING USED.

Worried that her family may beat her? What has that got to do with you, they'd do it anyway, whether they knew you or not if that is the way they treat her.

She may go back to 'work' again. She's done it in the past, it won't bother her, classed as 'normal' for those type of girls.

All it means to her & the family is that they have to wait a little longer for a new white boy to come along to abuse.


Yup......

"Our" Keith, hit the nail on the head... again...

Hit the road ... Jack.........

Dom

[Tonet]

Hello

I just want to say something,, you're in a strange situation now, but its also your fault!!

In the first place you shouldn't have stayed in their house, her parents might be wrong forcing you to marry her but its natural for ALL filipino mothers. Imagine how she will be if you just leave her, not knowing if you will be coming back!

Like you said you to arrive there and stayed in their house. I wont be wrong saying her parents, relatives, neighbours, ALL of them are thinking you are her serious bf or future husband,a typical filipina wont bring a man to stay in one roof for a couple of night if there's nothing serious going on between them,, that is based on how i know!!

So now try to think,, you stayed there for a couple of days/weeks and all been expecting that you two will get married, and you all of the sudden disappear. people will think and say " poor girl she's just been an entertainment for a bored foreigner" and that thought will always be in mind of people,, they are always gonna mock her and her family. Family just want their DIGNITY,it doesnt mean that because she's an escort girl she doesnt has this!!

But!!!I'm not saying you should stay coz that would be a decision that will affect your whole life and future,, well if you're in love with her go for it and if not,,,,,MOVE ON and love is not about if she will be a good wife or mother!!But Please don't just leave as if nothing happens between the two of you!! everything will be settle with a good communication!!

I'm wishing the best for you and for the girl God Bless!!:)

[klsl_forever]

Hello

I just want to say something,, you're in a strange situation now, but its also your fault!!

In the first place you shouldn't have stayed in their house, her parents might be wrong forcing you to marry her but its natural for ALL filipino mothers. Imagine how she will be if you just leave her, not knowing if you will be coming back!

Like you said you to arrive there and stayed in their house. I wont be wrong saying her parents, relatives, neighbours, ALL of them are thinking you are her serious bf or future husband,a typical filipina wont bring a man to stay in one roof for a couple of night if there's nothing serious going on between them,, that is based on how i know!!

So now try to think,, you stayed there for a couple of days/weeks and all been expecting that you two will get married, and you all of the sudden disappear. people will think and say " poor girl she's just been an entertainment for a bored foreigner" and that thought will always be in mind of people,, they are always gonna mock her and her family. Family just want their DIGNITY,it doesnt mean that because she's an escort girl she doesnt has this!!

But!!!I'm not saying you should stay coz that would be a decision that will affect your whole life and future,, well if you're in love with her go for it and if not,,,,,MOVE ON and love is not about if she will be a good wife or mother!!But Please don't just leave as if nothing happens between the two of you!! everything will be settle with a good communication!!

I'm wishing the best for you and for the girl God Bless!!:)

Sorry, can't let you get away with all that.

As much as I understand what you're saying about dignity, what the family and neighbours think etc, troubled has done no wrong here.

He met his Filipina girlfriend in Hong Kong by chance. Before meeting her he had never been to the Philippines before, so to my mind he had absolutely no reason to understand Filipino traditions and culture.

His girlfriend had taken troubled to meet her mother twice before travelling to Phils. If her mother was so concerned about dignity, family pride etc, she should have made her feelings/expectations known during those two visits. Did her mother ask troubled of his intentions during those 2 visits?, somehow I doubt it.

Troubled also made it clear it was his intention to stay in accommodation away from the family home, so how did he end up staying in the family home?, my guess is his girlfriend took him there. At this point the father still had the opportunity to ask troubled his intentions and to make decisions whether to allow this young man to stay under the family roof or not, did he though?, once again I doubt it.

As I said, I understand what you're saying about dignity and the family being mocked if it all goes wrong etc as my girlfriend's family had the same concerns. The difference was they told me their wishes and gave me the chance to make my own decisions before reaching their family home!

The bottom line is, troubled has done no wrong here. The family could have and probably should have stopped him staying under the family roof, they didn't and that is their problem now, not troubled!

[Tonet]

Sorry, can't let you get away with all that.

As much as I understand what you're saying about dignity, what the family and neighbours think etc, troubled has done no wrong here.

He met his Filipina girlfriend in Hong Kong by chance. Before meeting her he had never been to the Philippines before, so to my mind he had absolutely no reason to understand Filipino traditions and culture.

His girlfriend had taken troubled to meet her mother twice before travelling to Phils. If her mother was so concerned about dignity, family pride etc, she should have made her feelings/expectations known during those two visits. Did her mother ask troubled of his intentions during those 2 visits?, somehow I doubt it.

Troubled also made it clear it was his intention to stay in accommodation away from the family home, so how did he end up staying in the family home?, my guess is his girlfriend took him there. At this point the father still had the opportunity to ask troubled his intentions and to make decisions whether to allow this young man to stay under the family roof or not, did he though?, once again I doubt it.

As I said, I understand what you're saying about dignity and the family being mocked if it all goes wrong etc as my girlfriend's family had the same concerns. The difference was they told me their wishes and gave me the chance to make my own decisions before reaching their family home!

The bottom line is, troubled has done no wrong here. The family could have and probably should have stopped him staying under the family roof, they didn't and that is their problem now, not troubled!



:Hellooo: :Erm: :xxgrinning--00xx3: :xxgrinning--00xx3:!!:) !!:D

[Philip]

Sorry, can't let you get away with all that.



Who the **** are you, the internet police!? :cwm24:

It's the guys own fault for allowing himself to get in to this situation! He's surely old enough to say "No!" and he's made matters worse by staying for so long. :rolleyes:

[joebloggs]

Who the **** are you, the internet police!? :cwm24:

It's the guys own fault for allowing himself to get in to this situation! He's surely old enough to say "No!" and he's made matters worse by staying for so long. :rolleyes:

sounds like a :xxsport-smiley-002: :D

calm down its just a post :rolleyes: , there both over 18, if you got doubts dont do it, simple as that, i've kinda been where you are, my wfes mom, wanted us to get married, but her dad warned me, said "she can be trouble" :cwm24: , i knew what i was getting in for.. no regrets thou :) andf yes she was trouble :D

[troubled]

You all have a point, and I'm guessing some of you are western men and some are Fillipinas/os?

I am learning a lot about myself here in San Fernando (Pamp) - mainly that almost all of our problems are down to my negativity, expecting the worst and being worried about what she isn't instead of concentrating on what she is - a decent girl who loves her family and just wants emotional security.

We are taught to only be satisfied with perfect and cannot handle the reality of being with another person. We should not except one other person to be able to fulfill everything we wish for. That's why there are friends and family... to even out the load of needs and wants.

I could go to Thailand end of this month and not return, this is what I thought yesterday when things were bad and she wasn't speaking, however - this would be an awful thing to do so I will fly her out for my birthday, enjoy some much needed time away and if all goes well i'll take a chance.

I am a nice bloke but I do have a tendancy to expect the worst. I'm intelligent enough to see I'm not being used but of course they are hoping we will last... Me too.

"Think positive and positive things will happen" Can't remember who said that but it's very true. Extreemly difficult for me to STAY positive but I must try or I will drag her down with me when depressed.

[troubled]

...And yes, I can't leave and never see her again - granted I didn't fully know what I was getting myself in for but I must take my share of responsibility for the situation. I'm not a rich man, I'll be losing my hair soon and I'll be 33 in June, if I did decide to end this with a tearful apology and a hug I may live to regret it.

[baboyako]

:NoNo: believe me pal, you do not want to hang around this girl. If you are saying things are not working out because of your own negativity - then you need to to understand that the negativity is coming from you're own self and is 100% caused by this woman.

33 is young, you seem to be going through some premature mid-life crisis..:Help1:get the hell out of that situation, if it were me, I'd just scarper. It would probably save her dignity too. Otherwise just say you need to get a job & will be in touch..

:love18:aint happnin,,,

[walesrob]

You all have a point, and I'm guessing some of you are western men and some are Fillipinas/os?

I am learning a lot about myself here in San Fernando (Pamp) - mainly that almost all of our problems are down to my negativity, expecting the worst and being worried about what she isn't instead of concentrating on what she is - a decent girl who loves her family and just wants emotional security.

We are taught to only be satisfied with perfect and cannot handle the reality of being with another person. We should not except one other person to be able to fulfill everything we wish for. That's why there are friends and family... to even out the load of needs and wants.

I could go to Thailand end of this month and not return, this is what I thought yesterday when things were bad and she wasn't speaking, however - this would be an awful thing to do so I will fly her out for my birthday, enjoy some much needed time away and if all goes well i'll take a chance.

I am a nice bloke but I do have a tendancy to expect the worst. I'm intelligent enough to see I'm not being used but of course they are hoping we will last... Me too.

"Think positive and positive things will happen" Can't remember who said that but it's very true. Extreemly difficult for me to STAY positive but I must try or I will drag her down with me when depressed.

Reading your post, I think its plain to see you really are confused, and don't know what to do, which is why everyone, and I mean EVERYONE on this thread is screaming at you to get out of this situation and think things through, then come back and make a decision. Positive or negative are the words you are using here, but what you need is some time out, some dose of "REALITY".

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and I'll say it again, there are many, many single Filipina girls looking for a guy like you.

Seems to me like you've made up your mind, whatever you choose, good luck.

[klsl_forever]

Who the **** are you, the internet police!? :cwm24:

It's the guys own fault for allowing himself to get in to this situation! He's surely old enough to say "No!" and he's made matters worse by staying for so long. :rolleyes:

Nope, just a casual poster who had just read something I disagreed with and posted to say my thoughts, something wrong with that?.

[winner]

to troubled as i see it your aking like a 10 year old grow up man and fast you say you meet in hk was you looking for sex the first night there and you find her the first filipino you fall in love with cos she know how to talk to men how long she been work as a call girl do she sand money home she tell you all kinds of storys you get out of it mate cos there are ture filipinos out there just keep looking you neve going to be happy with her cos she has bad background she neve be ture to you and you know in your heart it never work

[joebloggs]

its called the 'law of attraction' ,The Law of Attraction simply says that you attract into your life whatever you think about...

well i've been thinking about mylenne klass for months, if not years, and where is she :doh

badboyako, think about this we me, we'll see if it works :REGamblMoney01HL1:

aromulus think of your chelsea :icon_win:

scouser keith think of :love: :love18: and Mancs ... :NoNo: maybe not.. :icon_lol:

negative thoughts, bit like me, always think the worse can happen, the old joke of 'your so negative, if i put you in a dark room, you would develop' :D

i know what you mean, cannot walk away, i've known my wife must be for near 7 or 8 yrs :Erm: , in the early years, and long distance relationships are difficult, we both wanted to walk away at some point, seeing each other twice a year, but i couldn't, wondering what would happen to her if i did, and when she needed someone the most... :NoNo: ,but near 5 years of marriage, 2 kids, and a stepson, looks like we should make it past the 7year hitch :icon_lol:

i'll leave you with some words from the famous kat stevens, or seeing your only 33, the cover by boy zone from father to son...

father
Its not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but Im happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that its not easy,
To be calm when youve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything youve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not

son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
Its hard, but its harder to ignore it.
If they were right, Id agree, but its them you know not me.
Now theres a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
(father-- stay stay stay, why must you go and
Make this decision alone? )

so take your time, think a lot... :Erm:

good luck, and believe me , my stituation was a lot worse than yours... :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[beppe]

maybe a cooling period can help you to sort things out. if in doubt, don't.

[eljean]

you meet her at the wrong place at the wrong time...there is so much mystery behind this girl working as an escort...maybe she's someone that really don't like to be in place like that but had much no choice in life( who ever really knows ??)...you should have known her better at the first place...you never seems to have some assurance from each other you just went through how you feel for each other...of course if a guy follow a girl and be with her there something on it...you could just met there in hongkong and forget about her but then you went home together ...you never mention that you even bother to ask about her family what situation she has back home you went with her without nothing but just curiosity...and i guess its an obvious reason that if she went home with a guy people with naturally say it that you is her bf or how you put yourself into it...you both put yourself in a very compromising situation... you both have hopes for one another despite the odds, but then not being able to be prepared or not expecting this marrying thing to happen to fast that makes it says like oooppppsssssss wait a minute this is not what i planned...you have to ask this girl personally, and know what she really wanted to happen and let her know as well your real intention so she knows where she stand so she can make a decision for her life and not because of her family...she's overage if she has gone out of the country on her own decision i bet she can make as well if she wanted it too this time...and if you are not as well sure about how you feel for her and you don't intend to marry her for whatsoever reason you have you better tell her now anyway theres just no other way to get away from it...but if you are in between staying and leaving i bet a distance and time will tell you were you're heart lies ahead....its so hard to speak about in behalf of other shoes... just be true to yourself it will rest the case...:) hope it helps

[fred]

If he still marries this girl after reading all the advice here, then he deserves all the mis fortune coming his way..
Still a shame though.

[troubled]

With respect, I am still waiting for somebody to let me know the worst case scenario should I get married and it not work out. All I know is that a Fillipina can't divorce and it may be in my favour not to anyway should it fall apart, I certainly wouldn't want to marry again.

Please let me know the worst case scenario (not inc children) and what I would stand to lose. Bear in mind that any 'nest egg' I have put in my mothers name.

I should have mentioned that I've known her six months now, and at the beginning she was not interested in a relationship. Even when I met her she was not friendly at all and seemed to hate the attention. She has often said she never wanted to get involved with anyone whilst "having to do this".

The very fact that she has been an escort automatically writes her off as no good to most of you which automatically leads you to believe I am the nice guy being led into a trap.

I am a nice chap but I'm no angel and have a colourful past myself when it comes to women. The reason I am negative is because I suffer from manic depression and have been negative most of my life, something she wants to help me change otherwise she may even change her mind though it won't be easy now we're in this situation.

[troubled]

I will add that she recently said that if I can't be content with what I have and make more effort to be positive then it's better we part. She will return to Hong Kong to save enough money to finish her studies and apply for a job overseas.

I wouldn't really say this is a guilt trip or an ultimatum, more of a simple fact. She never asked me or encouraged me to get involved back in december but now we've reached this stage she would prefer it to work out.

I would still like to know the legal aspects and ramifications of marraige though, it's still a few months away if we go through with it and I want to know everything I should.

Other than that things are fine with us at the moment.

[KeithD]

Worst case: Divorce in the Phil (called annulment) may cost £20,000. In the UK, nest egg in mothers name or not, she will still be entitled to 50% of it, and everything else. You can not legally hide anything. She would be entitled to possibly money from future wages, and definitely 50% of your pension forever.

Turn it around. Would you be happy marrying a UK prostitute with parents who are gits, and having no idea what the girls history was? Have you done a HIV, herpes, hepatitis, etc, check before any sexual contact? If not, you may have just killed yourself.

If you are thinking about all the negatives now, then your sub conscious is ringing warning bells you are ignoring.

If we had a vote on here, question; "How many guys looked into divorce before marrying there Filipina?".....my guess is it would be 0%.

[Philip]

This is too gago, I can't believe someone can be so dumb!?!?

Is this a serious thread!? :Erm:

[troubled]

I would be looking at the pitfalls no matter who I was marrying.

Ok, so is there anyway I can take her to live in the UK on some kind of fiancee visa? Then we can see how things go for a couple of years.

Incedentally, if dumb is not wanting to hurt somebody on a whim that people who have never met us may be right then maybe I am.

She's hardly what I would call a 'proper' ex prostitute - I have been friends with a few in my time but would not want a relationship with any.

If she was English and had done what she did in HK without charging money she would be called a ladette. If I had done what she did for money I'd get congratulated, lets not tar all with the same brush here.

[Philip]

She's hardly what I would call a 'proper' ex prostitute - I have been friends with a few in my time but would not want a relationship with any.


http://www.lespaulforum.com/forum/images/smilies/wah.gif http://www.lespaulforum.com/forum/images/smilies/scratchchin.gif

[troubled]

Ok, put it this way - I have lived in Asia for 6 years and never been ripped off (other than paying a bit extra for a tuk-tuk in those early years) and I am now in a very awkward situation.

My 'nest egg' I have 'given' to my mother, foster mother to be precise so we don't even have the same surname on paper, now is that not enough back up?

In 6 months I have no evidence of being decieved or lied to, the family have been good to me and protective and even respect my decision if I can't go through with it - I could of course be wrong but if I spend the rest of my life being as cynical and untrusting as I have been then I may as well be single for the rest of my days.

I just want to know my options - fiancee visa, is it possible to take her to UK on a fiancee visa if such a thing exists.

Please be rational here, there ARE some good people in the world even if they haven't adhered to what means of money making is deemed acceptable by our society - let go of the stigma and please give me some logical advice.

[Philip]

In 6 months I have no evidence of being decieved or lied to, the family have been good to me and protective and even respect my decision if I can't go through with it

The above seems to have no connection to your earlier posts!? :Erm:

Fiance visa's are valid for 6 months, but it's not a trial, they issue it on the grounds that you will get married within those 6 months. Best search here to learn about it.

[joebloggs]

prostitutes are human, Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in thier shoes. if 'men' didn't use them, there wouldnt be any.. :NoNo:

i remember watching a program on tv about the bunny ranch scouser keith was talking about, how a prostitute of many years, was saying each time she had sex with someone it took apart of her soul away, until there was nothing left .. :cwm24: who would want to be like this.. :cwm3:

i think you've decided what your going to do, and nobody will change your mind... :rolleyes:

[troubled]

If anyone changes my mind it will be me, but thanks for the post, it's true - each time you have sex with a stranger it takes part of your sould away, even if you are not religious - it's part of the reason i don't want to be single anymore.

And to reply to Phillip, well initially I did feel under pressure from the mother even though she's still in HK, but there was an incident a week or so ago when it transpired I had been paying 4 pesos more than I should have been for my San Mig. She went to the shop and there was a bit of a telling off and they have now asked me to use another shop where I will not get charged a 'white mans levy'.

I have also run out of money (that which was on my HK ATM card) and I made it last but it wasn't a great deal. I have spent no more than 200 punds a month here and that included her birthday present.

I don't know why I find it so hard to trust people, I guess I was nieve as a kid, but I'm not thick - I just want to be loved like we all do, I'm 33 years old and have been drifting for too long. I am easily bored and worry that if anything I will screw up the marraige.

I would have thought of a better username if I'd not been in such a hurry but as it happens it's quite apt.

[troubled]

P.S "She, went to the shop" My unofficial fiancee that is, not the mother - that would be quite a feat considering she is an hours flight away.

[scotsfiancee]

I just want to know my options - fiancee visa, is it possible to take her to UK on a fiancee visa if such a thing exists.

let go of the stigma and please give me some logical advice.

Fiancee visa means, you have to get married her in UK within 6 months of period time given.

My question is, do you have a strong evidence to show for the past 6 months u've known her, to prove your relationship is genuine? It takes alot of time, but if thats how desperate you are to apply visa y not give a try? read pete's site British-filipino.com (http://british-filipino.com/application%20for%20settlement.html)

Used the search function here in forum, it will gives u alot of ideas :)

[KeithD]

You also need to prove you have a few grand in the bank, and a regular income. Otherwise, they will fail it.

[empott]

prostitutes are human, Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in thier shoes. if 'men' didn't use them, there wouldnt be any.. :NoNo:

I totally agree with u joebloggs. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Sometimes we tend to judge people even without knowing them. Lets not be callous and see the other side of the coin instead.

[stuart_donnlyn]

hayy! dnt force urself to marriage if u dnt feel to and dnt let anyone force you as well... theres lots of women...filipino or not take your time you will meet lots. tc!

[robeth]

follow your instinct "troubled" if you still think theyre sensible enough...
just try not to ignore the consequences.

you can never be happy by being TOO SMART or being TOO DUMB.

[troubled]

^ That last line is a good quote!

My instinct says intentions are good, that does not mean it will work, and after seeing just how difficult it is to bring a fiancee/wife to the UK has left me with little hope seeing as proof is needed where we would live and what my occupation is.

I have not lived in the UK for 5 years and want to return to start a videography business.

Where that would leave us in the eyes of the Embassy I don't know but it doesn't look promising does it.

Whatever happens I hope we stay friends if nothing else.

[Peanutz]

^ Thanks for that, yes I will try, maybe in 3 weeks when I have my 1 month 'siesta' so to speak.

One thing this has taught me, and I hope will teach her is that just because you love somebody it doesn't mean they are the right one to spend the next 40/50 years with.

To me, who you spend your life with is far more important than marraige itself. Having children, companionship, sex, love, friendship and romance are all natural whereas marraige is not, it is a label expected by others that cropped up somewhere in our history and real companionship is about each others world, however it is somewhat necessary when it comes to visas etc if you want to be together.

Not only that but these days only the very lucky find their soulmates, I think it's fortunate just to find someone you get on well with, and although she and I do get on, we make each other laugh and we are affectionate but despite her good English - I can't have a proper discussion with her, she simply isn't a conversationist, I can't even watch a documentary with her.

I really miss stuff like that.
One thing this has taught me, and I hope will teach her is that just because you love somebody it doesn't mean they are the right one to spend the next 40/50 years with.

When you find your soulmate, you just feel it...the one that can give you that exact feeling that you belong to her/him. Goodluck!