Admin
3rd March 2004, 15:08
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Answer phone message "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key...."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...
boom boom!
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum, my
dad or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But
I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
steaks are too high.'
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you but
don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says,
"Pint please and one for the road."
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman
comes up to him and says, 'What are you supposed to be?' The man
says, "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says,
"I've just come in my pants."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says,
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Answer phone message "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key...."
----------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...
boom boom!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum, my
dad or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But
I think it's Colin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
steaks are too high.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you but
don't start anything."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says,
"Pint please and one for the road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman
comes up to him and says, 'What are you supposed to be?' The man
says, "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says,
"I've just come in my pants."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says,
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"