Jokes (contains bad language and could offend)

[Ako Si Jamie]

A Vicar books into a Hotel and says to the clerk

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"

She says "No sir, it's just regular porn, you sick man"

[Ako Si Jamie]

Two geeks were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate?" says the first guy "Yesterday I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar".

"What did you do?" says the other guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off".

"You're kidding me!" says the second guy.

"No way! I took her miniskirt off, then her bra and her panties. Then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop".

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

[Ako Si Jamie]

Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Carl.

"Licence please" said Carl.

Mary sped off around the corner and bumped into Loony Leon.

"Insurance please" said Leon.

Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by Donkey Dave, naked with an eight inch hard on.

"OH NO" said Mary "Not the breathalizer again!"

[Ako Si Jamie]

I always drive down to the pub and after a lengthy session I do the responsible thing and leave the car in the car park and take the bus home.

The only problem is, I have trouble parking the bus on my drive.

[Ako Si Jamie]

The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Christmas

12 cans of Carling
11 DNA tests
10 dads to choose from
9 teeth between them
8 squeezed in tracksuits
7 stinking smackrats
6 dunlop trainers
5 stolen rings
4 fat slags
3 ugly tw@ts
2 timing c:censored:s

and a :sexy_146: who parades them on T.V.

[Ako Si Jamie]

They say a woman's fanny is like a shed roof!

If you don't nail it hard enough it will probably end up next door!

[Ako Si Jamie]

My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men books.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

[Ako Si Jamie]

I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.

"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

"No" I replied, "The idiot was delivering my pizza."

[Ako Si Jamie]

My wife told me that she is sick to death of me waltzing in at 3am every weekend.

So when i came this morning i did the tango instead.

[Ako Si Jamie]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

How much is that?

"It's on the house!" says the barman

Surprised, the guy then orders a steak from the menu and hands the barman the cash. The barman shakes his head and tells him it's 'on the house' again.

"Why's everything free?" the guy asks perplexed "Does the owner know about this? Where is he?"

"He's upstairs with my wife" explained the barman

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

"The same thing I’m doing to his business down here"

[Ako Si Jamie]

Did you hear about the new French tank?

Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

[Ako Si Jamie]

Jew and Scottish guy made a 50p bet who can stay longer under water...They both drown...

[Ako Si Jamie]

Psychiatrist conducting group session with 4 young mums & their kids.

"You all have obsessions," he observes.

He says to 1st mum "You're obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

Turns to 2nd mum "Your obsession is money. It shows in your childs name, Penny."

Turns to 3rd mum "Your obsession is alcohol. Your child's name, Brandy."

The 4th mum quietly gets up and whispers to her son. "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea, lets go pick Willie & Nobby up"

[mickcant]

:icon_lol: Thanks:xxgrinning--00xx3:
Mick:)

[imagine]

:D:laugher::laugher::xxgrinning--00xx3: