sadness

[shandylove]

i just wanna share my hurtful and sadness experience now, sometimes had a self-pity ,i'm bored ,i miss my son and family while i'm here in uk. my thought is all wrong about my husband attitude. sometimes he is so much rude to me when it comes to money conversation, i dont ask him anything even allowance i dont have it because i understand..it just that i'm so much hurting now coz he got a rude mouth to me.. really sad :doh:bigcry:

[joebloggs]

pera the cause of many arguments :NoNo:

if your not working, cant you get a job ?

[marksroomspain]

Hi shandylove so sorry to hear your so sad at the moment can I ask you how long have you been in the UK?

[shandylove]

i dont have job yet and i just submit my FLR.. so much depressed at the moment :bigcry:

[shandylove]

4 months this month ,always we had a confrontation, sometimes i want to give up..

[marksroomspain]

Did you ever have doubts on your hubby before you came here was he ok before about money situation, also do you have any friends you can talk to I know there are plenty of friendly people here who can always chat to you and offer sound advice I hope things will work out for you if you ever need to talk, myself and plenty here will always be willing to help

[shandylove]

when i compare now and before, there is so much different. he is good to me and plenty of promises before i came here. now, he is rude, always counting what help he done to me.. really hurt to me is the way he treat me nasty and im shy to our neighbors coz he ended shouting..

[marksroomspain]

I hope you don"t give up on this and you are able to work this out, you must sit down with him and have a good conversation to try and resolve any issues between you, its no good if you are sad and living in a new country and thousands of miles away from your homeland, its going to take a lot of effort on both sides to get there but hopefully if you stay strong then things can work out, just think of what attracted you to your husband before all this come to an head and try and get back to how you were before, but the best way is like I said to both sit down and try and work this out, I wish you all the best and hopefully a happy outcome, please if you ever need to talk here there are plenty of good people here and I am sure more will come along to give advice take care and God Bless.

[wayne]

hallo shandylove!! :Hellooo: just always pray to god then he is always there. i know its hard when ur family are far away! do u have some friends there? god bless! :smile:

[raynaputi]

Hi Shandylove :Wave: I too have been waiting for my FLR(M) result, for almost 8 months now..so can't do anything, can't earn money and I have been working ever since I graduated from university when I was in the Philippines..so imagine what I'm feeling now after I left the Philippines, out of work and no accomplishments for a year now..But my hubby understands me whenever I feel so down and narky about coming here and not having any money for myself to do things that I used to do back home, like going to Starbucks for a frappuccino, or having my hair done in the salon regularly, or buying things I want, or going to a spa, dining out to a fancy restaurant frequently, going to my dermatologist, etc. All these I can do in the Philippines and I cannot here as they cost so much and having no work (because of UKBA honestly) won't support my extra needs..But just hang in there, you are not alone on this plight. Talk to your husband about how you feel. He should be understanding coz he's the reason why you're here and him being rude to you doesn't help. Just talk to us, forum members here, to take your mind off being homesick. That's one reason the forum is here. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[tiger31]

it sounds that you need some philippino friends to chat with .have you not found any in your area ? this is what the bad guys do i,m affraid promise you the earth and as soon as they got you in u.k far away from familiy and friends they change their personality for the worse ,I do hope you can get through it but please stay in contact with the forum members ok

[melovesengland]

Im very sad to know about your situation at the moment shandy. All I can advise to you is talk to your husband about this and try to sort the problem with him. Anyway, in all matters the forum, us, the members are always here so keep in touch me love alright?

Also, keep yourself occupied as much as you can like houseworks or put up a blog to keep ur mind busy. Im sure that'll help. :smile::wink:

[Moy]

all those feeling and agony i know..i been there and up to now m still here:yikes::biggrin: be strong shaandy love and just be flexible like the bamboo tree where we use to have when the typhoon blow toughly:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Arthur Little]

As with Mark, :sorry-2: to read about your situation. What many British people who happen to be married to partners from different cultures sometimes overlook, are the sacrifices their wives (or husbands) have made in giving up everything they've - up until then - been accustomed to, for the sake of a lifestyle that is completely alien to them. And while MOST gradually adjust to the changes inherent in such a move ... for others it *isn't always so easy. Evidently, *this is a fact your husband needs to be :poke: reminded of, in order to gain a greater awareness of its impact on how you feel.

:iagree: therefore, with Mark, that your interests as a couple would be best served by engaging in a frank, "no holds barred" discussion with one another. Lay your cards on the table, so to speak ... ask your husband WHY he's behaving the way he is right now. What (if anything) has changed between the two of you since you first met?

But, above all, you have to make it clear to your husband, in no uncertain terms, that you're unhappy with the way he's treating you at present. Naturally, there are a few basic - yet obvious - ground rules to be followed in the process. And, chiefly among those, of course, is the understanding that marriage is (or ought to be) an equal partnership - something he has to accept and respect if yours is to survive.

Remember too, you'll be free to take up employment - and become self-sufficient - whenever you have been granted FLR. Meanwhile, you can be assured of our full support and friendship at any time. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Moy]

:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[grahamw48]

I'm sorry to hear about your unhappiness .

Perhaps you could persuade your husband to join the forum so that he can share the reasons for his rudeness to you....the person who has put so much trust in him. :Erm:

[bigmarco]

Hi Shandylove and sorry to read of your upset. Some excellent advice here already which I don't need to add to. I do hope that you can work things out but don't lose sight of the fact that in time you will have other options available should you need them. Please stay in touch with the forum and always feel free to ask for help.

[shandylove]

all i can say, thank you so much for all your advice, it meant so much to me and had a great feelings now and tears while reading all your post. im sorry im too much emotional :smile:, i don't have any filipina friend here in our place, i really hoping even one filipina living here so that i have a shoulders to lean on when i needed most. sometimes its hard to handle when the confrontation going worst and worst. i really hope and pray that someday he will be a good man to me just like he was before. i feel so helpless when he start moaning about money! where i can't help at the moment bcause of my visa. im afraid that when i keep waiting the visa our situation will be more worst. sometimes i feel jealous that some filipina here got a happy marriage everytime i read the forum post.. thank you so much again guyz xxx:smile:

[grahamw48]

Oh you poor sweetheart.
Try to stay strong. Hopefully some of our Filipina members will message you so you have someone understanding to chat to and to give you some advice in private. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[marksroomspain]

You stay strong Shandy like all the other guys have said you can meet many friends here take care sweetheart

[wayne]

:bigcry: why some people are fighting about money? its rude! shandy you will be alright very soon!! try to talk to him then say what you dont want to him! then he will know!

[andy222]

Sorry to hear your problems shandylove seems like you have a few problems. Homesickness for one. I keep telling my wife that the uk is not all wine and roses maybe I am pre warning her before she comes here. All we can do here is just guess about your problems. It may be your husband is stressed and he is taking it out on you although none of us on here would condone this. You need to communicate with him and find out the reason for his rudeness. I hope you sort it out soon. God bless.:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[MissAna]

sorry to hear about your situation shandylove :NoNo:

i too have a problem but not mainly of my husband but his ex-wife. :Brick: i feel like she is controlling my (our) life and it makes me so upset that me and my husband argue about it. :bigcry:

[Steve.r]

It is a sad situation and here is my view. When we come to Philippines on 'holiday' to see our mahals, we have saved for a long time to make sure that we can provide a nice time with treats for our partner and family. It is seen as normal (from the filipine perspective) to have a western partner who can provide a good time and dig into his pockets for more and more cash. It seems endless and easy.
The harsh reality about the situation is that we (in the UK) are NOT to well off as we appear to be when away on holiday. I think believing that this cash can flow as easily when you come to the Uk is a false belief and maybe you were led to think it was easy when your husband told you of all the 'nice' things to expect in the Uk. He has to support you while you wait for your FLR and maybe he is also finding it tough to keep his head above the water if you talk about money and wanting many things. Money issues always cause arguments especially when it is not easy to earn, and the cost of living in the Uk is so high and prices are always rising. This is the reality and unless your husband didn't tell you all this, I think this is where the problems are stemming from.

There is no need to be rude to you as he looks like a bully, but you need to talk calmly to work out where the root of the problems are coming from. Maybe your expectations of his earning potential or spare cashflow were too high? Life inthe Uk is tough, not a bed of roses by any stretch of the imagination.

I hope you find a solution soon and are happy again. :smile:

[Arthur Little]

i too have a problem but not mainly of my husband but his ex-wife. :Brick: i feel like she is controlling my (our) life and it makes me so upset that me and my husband argue about it. :bigcry:

Likewise, :sorry-2: to learn about the problems wrought by the interference of your husband's former wife in your [normal] "wedded bliss" Ana.

I am no marriage guidance counsellor, but cannot see any justification for her meddling in your lives :nono-1-1:... other than when it comes to dealing jointly with parental matters that involve any *children they might've raised together. And then only if *THEY are under 18 years' old.

Aside from that, YOUR welfare and happiness should be top of your husband's MAIN list of priorities ... no one else :NoNo: - especially his ex ... whom he OUGHT to be man-enough to stand up to, and who needs to be told politely, but firmly, to back off!

[shandylove]

im so much grateful to be a member of this very friendly furom,i really felt so much special when i read all your advice.again, thank you very very much :xxgrinning--00xx3:... im still hoping that my husband will understand my feelings and he don't blame me the money he spend to me, that made me so much hurt. honestly,i find so much hard to be with him coz i know already who really he is.. hope god give me more strenght of it.. :ARsurrender::doh

[stevewool]

sounds like its your husband who needs advice on how to treat someone, does he know you are on here also does he go on here too,what is he expecting from you and did you both talk about the future plans once you did get to england,sounds like hes either a big kid and has not grown up yet, do you mind telling us his age

[sars_notd_virus]

did you both talk about the future plans once you did get to england

I agree with stevewool, laying your cards at the start of the relationship is very important.

[sars_notd_virus]

i im still hoping that my husband will understand my feelings and he don't blame me the money he spend to me

money shouldn't be argued especially if your husband doesn't have that much :cwm25:

[bigmac]

i dont know shandylove's story--but if--for example--its one of coming over here to marry someone where only a short philipines visit-to-meet was involved--then maybe a long distance relationship by internet or texts---then that is a very brave step to take.

my lady and i have already lived together--in my house--here in the UK--while she was still on a student visa.

we hope she can get a general visit visa so we can see each other again--& hopefully develope or relationship. i know i will have to support her financially.

then --if all goes well--a further visa as a fiancee/partner-to be. i still will have to support her till FLR is granted.

only time will tell--the last thing i want is for her to end up trapped in a situation she finds wrong.

[grahamw48]

Good point.

I lived with my then fiancee for 9 months in the Philippines before we got married. :smile:
We subsequently made frequent visits back there, so that probably helped avoid her feeling a prisoner here. :Erm:

[nnomad]

shandy,, i think it is shocking that this man treats you like this, and whatever excuses he uses really there are no reasons for such behavour,, he should be doing all he can to make you feel at home and wanted, not bullying you and shouting and embarrasing you with the neighbours,,,, my advice is a bit different from most others on here, ( tho hinted at my one other ),,, i would say you have to be strong within your self, do not lose your self respect, get your FLR and then you can leave this horrible person and make your own life in that country,,,,,,,,,,, then hopefully he will be as sad as he is making you !!!!

[shandylove]

exactly!im always telling him if he starting to raise his voice that he looks like a child tho he is 50 years old already. i don't really expect that in our 2 years of relationship as fiancee and 1 month waiting the visa process in philippines before, i thought i really know him already but now he totally change , even spending money on food,or even a single pound to spend he keep moaning then after that he put all the blame on me! i told him that im afraid to depressed and mentally ill if he always nasty to me all the time. no one to talk to if my heart is hurt ,he has a family but i can't tell them so that no more trouble. sometimes, i want to leave him for a while so that he will realize my worth and he will change. but i don't have money even a pound nothing and no filipina friends yet to be with. maybe in time if i get my flr and he still nasty to me,i will leave him coz i don't used to this situation and ur all right i need to be strong for the sake of my son and family. im so much touch all of you guys :bigcry::xxgrinning--:smile:

[bigmac]

get your FLR and then you can leave this horrible person and make your own life in that country

can we get clarity on this?

if a foreign partner does get granted FLR--that person then has a right to remain--and work--even if separated and living independently?

but--what happens when they apply for ILR?

[raynaputi]

If she leaves her hubby after getting her FLR(M), she can only stay in UK until the validity of FLR(M) expires or until UKBA cancels it if her hubby would report her. She can't apply ILR as she needs to be living with her husband to get that. Go to this site http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/visas-immigration/partners-families/relationship-ends/ to read about what would happen if the relationship ends.

If this would happen to me personally, and the relationship can't be fixed, I would rather go back to be with my family in the Philippines, where I can be with the people who can protect and support me. It's not worth staying here all by yourself struggling. That's just me. I don't know about the others.

[melovesengland]

If she leaves her hubby after getting her FLR(M), she can only stay in UK until the validity of FLR(M) expires or until UKBA cancels it if her hubby would report her. She can't apply ILR as she needs to be living with her husband to get that. Go to this site http://www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/visas-immigration/partners-families/relationship-ends/ to read about what would happen if the relationship ends.

If this would happen to me personally, and the relationship can't be fixed, I would rather go back to be with my family in the Philippines, where I can be with the people who can protect and support me. It's not worth staying here all by yourself struggling. That's just me. I don't know about the others.

I strongly AGREE! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Whats the point of staying if YOU ARE NOT LOVED? :NoNo:

I also dont want to reach to the point that one of us will end up SIX FEET UNDER. :cwm3:

[joebloggs]

possible you could apply for ILR if you was a victim of domestic violence, but you would need some evidence..

[grahamw48]

The complications arise when children come along...custody issues etc.

I would therefore respectfully suggest that the young lady in question takes the contraceptive pill until the relationship problems are resolved/ILR obtained.

[raynaputi]

The complications arise when children come along...custody issues etc.

I would therefore respectfully suggest that the young lady in question takes the contraceptive pill until the relationship problems are resolved/ILR obtained.

Good advice Graham :xxgrinning--00xx3:..having a kid at this stage of their married life would complicate things further.

[grahamw48]

...Could become a complete nightmare....for many years. :NoNo:

[bigmac]

If she leaves her hubby after getting her FLR(M), she can only stay in UK until the validity of FLR(M) expires or until UKBA cancels it if her hubby would report her. She can't apply ILR as she needs to be living with her husband to get that

hmm--thats what i thought.

so any foreign national coming here to marry and settle could end up locked into a 5 year relationship that may or may not work out. and i thought slavery had been abolished.

[grahamw48]

I suppose it works both ways.

These rules are there to help weed out 'sham' marriages....arrangements that probably most of us would disapprove of.

[bigmac]

'sham' marriages

hmmm i wonder why so many foreign nationals are so keen to marry brits?-----

oh--i remember----true love.

[bigmac]

Whats the point of staying if YOU ARE NOT LOVED?

and --as the poor woman has no money--how is she supposed to get back?

[raynaputi]

Whats the point of staying if YOU ARE NOT LOVED?

and --as the poor woman has no money--how is she supposed to get back?

That's the reason why I haven't closed my bank accounts in the Philippines, and keep one credit card for emergencies. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[bigmac]

That's the reason why I haven't closed my bank accounts in the Philippines, and keep one credit card for emergencies

ha ha ha --very good advice--i like it.

[mickmyrna]

Hi Shandylove .. I feel so sorry about you girl , do you have FB ? so that we can chat sometimes ... heres my fb name Myrna Aredidon Williams As a spouse we need a wide patience and be strong ok? Myrna

[grahamw48]

That's the reason why I haven't closed my bank accounts in the Philippines, and keep one credit card for emergencies. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Shhhsh ! You never know who's reading this ! :omg::icon_lol:

[raynaputi]

Shhhsh ! You never know who's reading this ! :omg::icon_lol:

Hahahaha..oh don't worry, Keith knows.. so he'd be good..hahaha :icon_lol::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[lastlid]

This thread reminds me of the Gwapito thread from a few weeks back...

http://filipinaroses.com/showthread.php/42069-When-the-end-comes/page1

[stevewool]

exactly!im always telling him if he starting to raise his voice that he looks like a child tho he is 50 years old already. i don't really expect that in our 2 years of relationship as fiancee and 1 month waiting the visa process in philippines before, i thought i really know him already but now he totally change , even spending money on food,or even a single pound to spend he keep moaning then after that he put all the blame on me! i told him that im afraid to depressed and mentally ill if he always nasty to me all the time. no one to talk to if my heart is hurt ,he has a family but i can't tell them so that no more trouble. sometimes, i want to leave him for a while so that he will realize my worth and he will change. but i don't have money even a pound nothing and no filipina friends yet to be with. maybe in time if i get my flr and he still nasty to me,i will leave him coz i don't used to this situation and ur all right i need to be strong for the sake of my son and family. im so much touch all of you guys :bigcry::xxgrinning--:smile:

have you asked him why he is so angry, and also does he want you here with him still

[bigmac]

so--to recap--if a foreign national comes here as a spouse--or--even worse--gets married here--and things dont work out--if the person hasnt a job--or--as a fiance without FLR--cant work!!---AND has no recourse to public funds--just what the hell are they supposed to do????

marrying a UK resident--without a long period of courtship ( not internet style !! ) should come with a government wealth warning

[grahamw48]

This has been the situation for at least 22 years, though the 'probationary' period has recently been lengthened.

If partners want or need to work, then all their sponsor has to do is marry them and bring them here on a spouse visa. Straight forward enough, and has always been the case.

All of this information regarding visas and rules and regulations has also been available to anyone contemplating bringing a wife here from abroad for many many years... just that some people don't seem to bother doing some simple research before they lose themselves in romantic daydreams. :NoNo:

[stevewool]

so--to recap--if a foreign national comes here as a spouse--or--even worse--gets married here--and things dont work out--if the person hasnt a job--or--as a fiance without FLR--cant work!!---AND has no recourse to public funds--just what the hell are they supposed to do????

marrying a UK resident--without a long period of courtship ( not internet style !! ) should come with a government wealth warning takes two to make it work, eyes wide open all the time, but then again you can get some right old farts that tell the girl she can have the world, but in real terms once over here they are a slave and the old fart is bored with the same women all the time, just my thoughts dont mean to offend

[grahamw48]

I'm sure that does happen Steve. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[bigmac]

right old farts

oy--wotchit you--i'm a new fart

odd though--fart got past admin--but yesterday i wrote ess ache one tee and it got deleted & i got told off (sorry admin xx )

[nnomad]

sorry i do not know much about the visa thing,, but 5 years with this man is maybe too much to suffer just to gain a visa to stay in a country where her future is, to say the least, uncertain,,,, but only the OP knows what awaits her back in philli, yes her son and family , but what else, we can all imagine... criticising her actions or lack of foresight may make some posters feel clever but is not really what this lady needs .

[lastlid]

marrying a UK resident--without a long period of courtship ( not internet style !! ) should come with a government wealth warning

Doesn't that come under the remit of the CFO?

[grahamw48]

sorry i do not know much about the visa thing,, but 5 years with this man is maybe too much to suffer just to gain a visa to stay in a country where her future is, to say the least, uncertain,,,, but only the OP knows what awaits her back in philli, yes her son and family , but what else, we can all imagine... critisising her actions or lack of foresight may make some posters feel clever but is not really what this lady needs .

I don't think anyone has criticised HER actions or lack of foresight, rather, virtually every response has been particularly sympathetic towards her. :Erm:

After all, it is principally the lady who is putting her trust in the sponsor in these situations.

[nnomad]

i think this guys nightmare is a bit worse !!!!!!!!!!!

[grahamw48]

Why ? :Erm:

[nnomad]

i was refering to the thread " when the end comes "

[grahamw48]

Ah, ok. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Stevi]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx give me a call i am a friend you can cry on....

[Terpe]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxgive me a call i am a friend you can cry on....

Telephone number removed for security.

It's not wise to post telephone numbers on a public forum.

[sars_notd_virus]

sorry guys and girls but we are only reading ''ONE'' side of the story:cwm25:
a lot of filipinas think that once they set their foot in the UK they will be treated like a queen:yikes:,....its should be a joint responsibility to work hard for the relationship ,..it is not the usual fairy tale ending they live happily ever after for no reason:doh...sorry to hear about your sadness Shandylove but i think you should know what you are doing before you go here in the UK and live with your partner, you should have spot his difficulties way before you settled with him here.
If all else fails go back to the Philippines, dont be like some filipinas here who jump on every men and waste their life...LOVE is not only for couples,friends etc.. it is Loving your self first before you give it out to someone else, if you know what i mean??

[grahamw48]

Now that post deserves some rep ! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[raynaputi]

sorry guys and girls but we are only reading ''ONE'' side of the story:cwm25:
a lot of filipinas think that once they set their foot in the UK they will be treated like a queen:yikes:,....its should be a joint responsibility to work hard for the relationship ,..it is not the usual fairy tale ending they live happily ever after for no reason:doh...sorry to hear about your sadness Shandylove but i think you should know what you are doing before you go here in the UK and live with your partner, you should have spot his difficulties way before you settled with him here.
If all else fails go back to the Philippines, dont be like some filipinas here who jump on every men and waste their life...LOVE is not only for couples,friends etc.. it is Loving your self first before you give it out to someone else, if you know what i mean??

Very well said! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Marie]

So sorry to hear this Shandylove...so many advise here...mine is only for you to keep calm, be alert everytime there's an argument and pray....hard this is but you need to face it and be brave.....if you have facebook account let us know....take care and God Bless