looking after your extended family

[stevewool]

well i know some do help out with the extended family but what happens when mum and dad has gone do you still help your brothers and sisters, and what happens once you move over to the phils are you expected still to help,

[grahamw48]

You are a Kano millionaire.

OF COURSE you must help. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[stevewool]

but like anything in life Graham, you must look after number 1 first

[imagine]

but like anything in life Graham, you must look after number 1 first

thats right, you look after no/1 being you and yours, brothers sisters need to fend for themselves, its not selfish, its life

[grahamw48]

Doesn't stop people asking. :biggrin:

[grahamw48]

Then again, once they've seen me in my rags and empty old bumbag...:icon_lol:

[stevewool]

but what if your partner has promised to help her younger brother, infact all the family has promised this, so i am told, but he does not work because of this and that, so to me he has a life of riley he thinks

[grahamw48]

There's a lot of that there Steve I'm afraid.

That sort of situation will need some careful handling. Most poriners have to deal with it at some stage.

[stevewool]

well i am going to nip it in the bud i hope,i have not worked hard all my life so that i can make someone happy who has done jack ----t in theres, but just to hold there hand out and plead to my wife

[imagine]

have to start as you mean to go on, its harder to stop later cos they expect it

[grahamw48]

have to start as you mean to go on, its harder to stop later cos they expect it

Absolutely...but handled diplomatically, for the sake of your partner, because she is the one who really has to deal with it. :smile:

[grahamw48]

:smile:

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i43aAn2rq8

[fred]

Then again, once they've seen me in my rags and empty old bumbag...:icon_lol:

Graham..That old bag wont cut it anymore!!
When you retire you might need to upgrade and transfer your considerable wealth to one of these.
Dont forget to put a moth ball in each compartment before filling it though!!:icon_lol:


https://www.physique.co.uk/large_catalogue_images/bum_bag_4.jpg

[Steve.r]

Steve, I think by now Emma knows just how hard you have had to work to survive here in the UK and how much it takes give her a lovely life. She too has to earn her money and it is not easy money. Just because you are a westerner does not mean that you are now the family life support system. Emma must be the one to nip this in the bud, and not make promises that together you will support 'brothers' who are just lazy or happy to scavange off the more fortunate working family members. Make everyone quite clear on the facts that you cannot afford to do it, or only under extreme circumstances (with good reason) you will lend money (for which you will draw up a returns contract). I will not do this for my 'extended' family. I already have several mouths to feed, and I am not prepared to feed more. Firm foot down NOW Stevie

[lovejoy]

From the start my husband told me we can't afford to have extended family and my family understand it because I explain it to them living in the UK is very expensive. After few months arrived here I got a job since I've got no bill here I give money to my parents if they got emergency but my dad work his .... off to drive his jeepney everyday so it might help for there daily needs and I got a brother still in college. If my brother and sister ask help for me I give them if I'm convince with the reason I don't want them to think that because I'm living here abroad I'm already RICH that's the crab mentality for some Filipino's. I always told them how hard to earn money here.... I guess they understand. :yikes:

[grahamw48]

Graham..That old bag wont cut it anymore!!
When you retire you might need to upgrade and transfer your considerable wealth to one of these.
Dont forget to put a moth ball in each compartment before filling it though!!:icon_lol:


https://www.physique.co.uk/large_catalogue_images/bum_bag_4.jpg

Thanks Fred....great idea.

That one should just about hold my sleeping bag, 3 stringed guitar...and my partner. :biggrin:

[Terpe]

well i know some do help out with the extended family but what happens when mum and dad has gone do you still help your brothers and sisters, and what happens once you move over to the phils are you expected still to help,

I doubt that anyone can give you an answer on this.
It really does come down to some basic 'rules' that in turn depend on the circumstances of the extended family.

We also try to help for emergencies, but............there's a limit. There's also a selection process. No help for those who don't help themselves and don't help the other family members.
We never give money just for the asking, there needs to be a darn good reason and I need to know that any help we give will be 'self-sustaining' as much as possible.
You know the sort of thing I mean......... don't give them fish to eat help them to catch their own.

Nearly all the financial support we provide is for education. Our hope is that this will benefit all the family.

In my opinion if a family member is not working, or not looking to help other family members, or not looking for ways to make even a small contribution to their own life then they could expect ziltch from us.

Once I move over to the Paradise Islands I am expecting they will be helping me..... a poor old pensioner :olddude:

[bigtilly]

My wife knows the score on this one and has done from the start. It is her, me and the kids, end of. No hand outs to ANYONE. Better to start as you mean to go on and then everyone knows the score.

If someone's wife thinks differently, simply telling her that every peso you spend on someone else, is a peso you don't spend on her, usually does the trick.

[Michael Parnham]

I agree with Steve, Bigtilly, lovejoy and Steve.r, No one in my family have ever offered or given me a thing in my whole life, and my Maritess agrees with me, whats mine is her's and she won't give it away. We look after each other!:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

You know the sort of thing I mean......... don't give them fish to eat help them to catch their own.

Tried that in the 90`s... Failed big time.. My wife tried to warn me against it!!!!!
Nearly cost me my marriage.
Say no more.

[Terpe]

Tried that in the 90`s... Failed big time.. My wife tried to warn me against it!!!!!
Nearly cost me my marriage.
Say no more.

Like I said everyone's family and circumstances are different.
Works a treat for us. Only need to do it once as well.

[gladz]

A very common notion here in the philippines that if you are married to a foreigner,they know you are loaded.There are some foreigners who feed the whole family of their partners and these family members cant be bothered to earn a living as they know they are being fed by a white guy.They have totally become a parasite.Sad but true.

I have no problem about helping extended family because my siblings got a very stable jobs plus my parents are working too so it will be less likely that they will ask some money.They usually borrow some amount but pay it back.The only problem are those distant relatives whom i have never seen and just introduce themselves then ask for some money.

My husband isn't against about helping my immediate family. Im just lucky that whenever my siblings borrow some money,they pay it back.No way for distant relatives.:biggrin:

[Terpe]

Like I said everyone's family and circumstances are different.
Works a treat for us. Only need to do it once as well.

I won't pretend that a couple of family members have not taken us for a ride. But that only happens once and then they find out they can never ever rely on anything from us again.
It might sound hard, but to be honest it's just in my nature to trust and help folks. I still do that and hope not to lose my faith in that, but also for me is 'once bitten twice shy'. My wife is of the same opinion.

[imagine]

my motto in life too, they only screw you the once, never get a second chance:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[imagine]

Graham..That old bag wont cut it anymore!!
When you retire you might need to upgrade and transfer your considerable wealth to one of these.
Dont forget to put a moth ball in each compartment before filling it though!!:icon_lol:


https://www.physique.co.uk/large_catalogue_images/bum_bag_4.jpg

is that grahams bum bag,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, did he have it surgicaly removed?:biggrin::icon_lol:

[fred]

is that grahams bum bag,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, did he have it surgicaly removed?:biggrin::icon_lol:

:icon_lol:

[grahamw48]

You haven't seen my new jacket yet... :xxcheeky-smiley-013


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http://imageshack.us/a/img59/2391/1836a4sflg4763429477215.jpg

[malditako]

Me personally a help is something you give freely to your family regardless weather they lazy or take advantage of you. Its my joy to give something to the people i love and i believe its others joy as well. My husband knows how much i love my family and how they love me so he respect whatever i did to them. And that includes restricting him to moan nor be insulting.

[imagine]

You haven't seen my new jacket yet... :xxcheeky-smiley-013


:





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http://imageshack.us/a/img59/2391/1836a4sflg4763429477215.jpg

.omg i thought it was a suiside jacket:yikes::laugher:

[jake]

.omg i thought it was a suiside jacket:yikes::laugher:

:icon_lol:

Hi, my name is Graham and i'm a failed suicide bomber :icon_lol:

[grahamw48]

It's my 'confuse-a-pickpocket' :Erm: jacket. :icon_lol:

[lovejoy]

Me personally a help is something you give freely to your family regardless weather they lazy or take advantage of you. Its my joy to give something to the people i love and i believe its others joy as well. My husband knows how much i love my family and how they love me so he respect whatever i did to them. And that includes restricting him to moan nor be insulting.
I do love my family but we need to draw the line in some point. We can't give everything to them. For me giving always of what they ask me is wrong in my book. I don't want them to rely on me specially my siblings I want them to earn there living and they know how hard it is to earn money and to have a better life in the future and if they have there own family they can give a better future for there own kids... I love them to bits but in the long run everyone get older and what if one day we can't afford to give them any money what happen to them... I help them for there studies and send them birthday and Christmas presents but if they ask more than that I will say NO.

[stevewool]

Me personally a help is something you give freely to your family regardless weather they lazy or take advantage of you. Its my joy to give something to the people i love and i believe its others joy as well. My husband knows how much i love my family and how they love me so he respect whatever i did to them. And that includes restricting him to moan nor be insulting.

do you love me enough to borrow/give me a fiver:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Steve.r]

do you love me enough to borrow/give me a fiver:xxgrinning--00xx3:

You want another new tooth then buddy ? :biggrin:

[stevewool]

it shall take lots of fivers plus i dont have enough friends to get me that far, have you still got them horse teeth free:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:

[-sillybilly-]

There is a hell lot of topic to post but as far as your wife is concern i think this family issue specially her immediate family that she really love should be discussed by only the couple.
Any filipino wife who would find and read this herself about intriguing your family behind her back would be very upset and cross.
Everyone's family has got different situations and issues in life and unfortunately filipino familys do stick and help to each other what happened even before you met them. Its only fortunate that the other has the luck but im pretty sure one member of the family will do the same if its the other way round.
We cant be that hypocrite to everyone saying yes you all love your wife but her family is a pain!
You lot chose to be with someone who is a well family orientated and you should consider yourself lucky to have such a multi task wife.

[stevewool]

maybe your are right about talking about subjects together and never include others,but everything is spoken first to my partner and never ever behind her back, i cannot comment on others about that, and once we have spoken about any matters that concern family, friends and anyone else and we both agree to what the plan would be, its a welcoming sign from others who have been or maybe going through the same situation, thats where many may learn from each other concerning day to day life that we are not use too, learning from other peoples experience may or may not help myself or others, but its good to talk to others and help others who may need some advice,
Concerning the family being a pain well my family is a pain also so thats world wide not just someone from the phils, and i am so glad Ems so family orientated because thats making me more soft and i do know how very very lucky i am.
I just hope the rest of us lot realize how lucky we all are

[bigtilly]

There is a hell lot of topic to post but as far as your wife is concern i think this family issue specially her immediate family that she really love should be discussed by only the couple.
Any filipino wife who would find and read this herself about intriguing your family behind her back would be very upset and cross.
Everyone's family has got different situations and issues in life and unfortunately filipino familys do stick and help to each other what happened even before you met them. Its only fortunate that the other has the luck but im pretty sure one member of the family will do the same if its the other way round.
We cant be that hypocrite to everyone saying yes you all love your wife but her family is a pain!
You lot chose to be with someone who is a well family orientated and you should consider yourself lucky to have such a multi task wife.


Just who the hell are you to call me a hypocrite? You know next to nothing about me and have no justification whatsoever. We have a saying here "you can choose your friends but NOT your family" and of course, that includes my wife's immediate family who, barring a complete waster of a brother, are hard working and, several of them, have much more money than me which isn't hard.

The guy in question doesn't work, has 5 kids who he can't feed, and goes missing for weeks on end. His 12 year old daughter was living with Ging when we met and still does.

I had to work very hard all my life and no one ever gave me anything so why should we help him more than we do now?

Falling in love has nothing to do with luck and if you think it has, maybe you should take a close look at yourself and your motivation.

If you are playing Devil's Advocate here, you did a much better job than you ever envisaged. :cwm23:

Bill

[KeithD]

Just who the hell are you to call me a hypocrite? You know next to nothing about me and have no justification whatsoever.
If you are playing Devil's Advocate here, you did a much better job than you ever envisaged. :cwm23:

Bill

I think you will find this is one of those 'lost in translation' moments, it doesn't actually say how you read it. Remember, 50% of people on here are using a second language.

[malditako]

This topic has been mentioned and discussed a lot of times. Its a filipino culture to help their family on the best they can and more often limit less. Anyone who marry a filipino should know the family first cultures and values. They should know what they are going to embrace as its a lot different than here in uk. My husband took years before he understand and accept and when he did thats when we decided to get married. Never he tried to change it how i have been brought up. Plus the fact he knows i would not change it for him. As a wifes point of view knowing my husband telling my family matters to others in public wether we discuss or not would be very upsetting and definitely a fight afterwards.

[-sillybilly-]

Bigtilly! Have I ever mentioned your named as a Hypocrite? :ReadIt:And No i dont know your family and i am not interested. For your information this post was for general which means for public which would have been a very sensitive topic that should only be discussed by couple like what I said. Why dont you ask your own wife if she would really be happy for you to post something negative about her family and let the world knows? I dont think so!
If you think the hypocrite one on this topic was pertaining to you then thats not my problem. You're the one who said that. :doh

[grahamw48]

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/3448/fireoutpo3.gif

[-sillybilly-]

Falling in love has nothing to do with luck and if you think it has, maybe you should take a close look at yourself and your motivation.


If you are playing Devil's Advocate here, you did a much better job than you ever envisaged.


Oh yes I know what falling inlove means! And I call myself lucky for marrying a guy whos got a wide understanding regarding my family background. And we arent selfish as we do share whatever luck we got as at the end of the day they are family.

I feel sorry for you Bigtilly for reacting so much on this post. Atleast I know im not talking .......s. :smile:

[Michael Parnham]

WoW!!!

[sars_notd_virus]

For most people this could be a very sensitive and surely a personal subject
... but not for me, I love my family and would do all I can to help...
i'm in a fortunate position that all my family are helping each other because thats the way we were brought up. Also , my husband is the same with his family and our priorites are clear.
The help is not always just financial but when you are so far away from your family it is nice to know that if you are in a position to help a little to return all the love and help you recieved when you were younger, growing up then that should be a given.
Being so far away , I wish I could do more than just send a little money like have a hug or beer or just to sit down and chat face to face with my family members...so dont begrudge sending
a little cash as it could have more of a meaning. Thats my personal view and is not up for debate.

But...if for instance hypothetically anybody was asked to send money to someone they didnt know.
dont like, dont care about or think they dont deserve anything then why would they ask if they should ???
...unless there was more to it or maybe a little guilt??

[stevewool]

helping people is good if you can, some of us do that more then others, does it make us bad people, i dont think so, helping the family well again some do and some dont, does that make us bad,
It seems there is always two sides to most stories, just like me starting this thread and asking the question to others who may have been through the feelings i have or maybe going through.
There are some people who are members of this forum who have so much knowlodge off living and being involved with the phils for many many years and if they can share there experience with people on here and i am one who welcomes all there advice.
Truth be known many of us have family members who are shall we say a little lazy in other peoples eyes,does that make them bad people i dont think so but how far do you go to help them, like i have said many many times in a emergency we would be there, but would you call sending money because they have no fags to smoke a emergency, we need a new car, is that too a emergency, the list can go on and on, i can say this i bet everyone has that member no matter how distance who have asked for something and some other member of your family have said after you have said no has said no also but before they asked you,

[grahamw48]

I have so far only lent my stepkids money. They paid me back by the agreed due date.

However, it was for entirely sensible purposes, and I'm sure they were well-aware that getting money out of me in the first place was a near-miracle, so didn't want to push their luck. :biggrin:

Lend or give money to anyone else ? Virtually zero chance. :smile:

[stevewool]

its amazing really they have to ponder on asking you in the first place, what must they be feeling, then once they have asked its on your shoulders, what do we do, my god we feel so guilty if we dont but really if we do we may not get it back, WHAT DO WE DO, so you have to make your mind up after talking to your wife and your friends and the answer is NO, thats what you both agree and what is the advice from your friends too.
so you send the message sorry but the answer is NO, after a few days you find out that the rest of the family has said No too, so much for helping each other when they are there, now aint that funny after all the guilt you and your wife has been going through

[Steve.r]

Free handouts to freeloaders is definitely wrong and also sends the wrong message. This must be established quite early on I believe.

We all feel that we would like to help in some way to those 'who we know' deserve it, but to me it is clear who is not deserving.

I have never been asked directly for money by family members and maybe because we have distanced ourselves from the main hub, I look after my direct family, who Steve has met, so he knows my responsibilty and I have another mouth to feed in 4 month's time. But i can manage this.
What I have never been is a cash cow. Only one time I was asked for help and that was for my mother in law, and I did help. But, what did annoy me about this was that 'I' was the 'only' one to offer help. My wife's uncle, who is substantially well off never offered a penny to help. This for me is a major sign. He couldn't even be bothered to help his own sister... SO... not all filipino families will help others and this is my point. Help, but try to find the limits. Who will help you in a time of need? Remember that our steets are paved with gold, and we cant ask for help, right ?

[grahamw48]

Seems like 'Child Support'....one way system. Don't seem to have received any from the ex for the 4 years I had custody of our son. :icon_rolleyes:

[-sillybilly-]

It seems there is always two sides to most stories, just like me starting this thread and asking the question to others who may have been through the feelings i have or maybe going through.
There are some people who are members of this forum who have so much knowlodge off living and being involved with the phils for many many years and if they can share there experience with people on here and i am one who welcomes all there advice.

I dont think it is a good idea sharing the world about your wives family issue. We dont have to live from other people's opinion and what they do and how they deal with it. They have their own way and thats why they dont need to ask other people. Every family is different and NO ONE'S FAMILY IS PERFECT!
In a relationship you learn from each other not from other people.

If these family issues has been agreed and discussed by the two of you then thats good. You made yourself on how you gonna deal with it. Helping your wife's family isnt too much when you know you have enough to give. Everyone can draw a line for as long as they want but your wife's happiness is to help her family for the least she can.

[Steve.r]

It seems there is always two sides to most stories, just like me starting this thread and asking the question to others who may have been through the feelings i have or maybe going through.
There are some people who are members of this forum who have so much knowlodge off living and being involved with the phils for many many years and if they can share there experience with people on here and i am one who welcomes all there advice.

I dont think it is a good idea sharing the world about your wives family issue. We dont have to live from other people's opinion and what they do and how they deal with it. They have their own way and thats why they dont need to ask other people. Every family is different and NO ONE'S FAMILY IS PERFECT!
In a relationship you learn from each other not from other people.

If these family issues has been agreed and discussed by the two of you then thats good. You made yourself on how you gonna deal with it. Helping your wife's family isnt too much when you know you have enough to give. Everyone can draw a line for as long as they want but your wife's happiness is to help her family for the least she can.

I think you are right Clarice, we all help where we can and in an emergency family 'should' pull together. Some do, some don't. I think the original post made by Steve was relating to (and please correct me if I am wrong Steve) extended family who will not help themselves and rely on others. I think giving to a bottomless pocket is wrong and in my opinion cannot be tolerated.

[stevewool]

yes steve you are right there, it is about 1 person, and truth be told again all families have them and its for that family to sort it out,like anything in life you can either go along with it or do something about it,but being new to a mixed marriage and the culture too its good to seek advice from others, how many people tell you no chance i would never give them anything or tell them to go and jump, lots do, but you weigh that up with what you can do,

[grahamw48]

yes steve you are right there, it is about 1 person, and truth be told again all families have them and its for that family to sort it out,like anything in life you can either go along with it or do something about it,but being new to a mixed marriage and the culture too its good to seek advice from others, how many people tell you no chance i would never give them anything or tell them to go and jump, lots do, but you weigh that up with what you can do,

I understand exactly where you're coming from Steve.

An important subject for a forum such as this too, because from my experience this tricky matter (family support) is a cultural difference that can and has led to many problems between Brit/Fils, serious enough to ultimately lead to relationship breakdowns, particularly where the couple had neglected to discuss such things before committing to marriage.

[stevewool]

well thankyou all for your coments whether i take them all on board or not, i thankyou for the time yoiu have given to write onto this thread,
We all cant be perfect in life and i know i will make many more mistakes in mine, so what lessons have we all learnt from many on here , well always speak to your partner who ever they are and where ever they are, never talk to others no matter who they are about family issues,give what you can to family members even if it means you going without and thats just what has been mentioned from members, well i am sure i have missed lots more.
just a quick note, Emma my wife will be the first person always i will seek advice from and i hope i will be the one she would seek advice too, once we have sorted out what ever issues, then if its advice we can pass on to others then we shall carry on, if it offends people, well you dont have to reply or read what is said

[grahamw48]

:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Iani]

As has already been said really, family matters can be an area of great sensitivity, and perhaps not for discussion on an open forum.
We chose to marry or get into a relationship with who we did, and most if not all of us should have realised very early on that we were getting into a slightly different mindset regarding family responsibilities than we might have done had we met someone from around the corner in our own towns.

As always, communication is king. It's also maybe good for the men to remember, that despite what many might claim, most women deep down in the end like and respect the man for being assertive, decisive and making the final decision :icon_lol: Not bullying or any rubbish like that - just being the one to take control. It is a very fine line of course.

What many would take great offence at, is having such a personal thing discussed outside the family.

In the end, we have to do what we think is right. Firm ground rules from the start, same as any relationship really

[imagine]

Seems like 'Child Support'....one way system. Don't seem to have received any from the ex for the 4 years I had custody of our son. :icon_rolleyes:

child support is sexist discrimination when the man has custody, i learnt that a long time ago, when i got about £1.50 to divide by 3 children

[imagine]

charity begins at home, how can you help others if you dont help yourself first

[imagine]

i also learnt the word no a long while back, people think its a hard word to say, because the asker puts you in that situation, but just a straight simple no( not maybe,not erm, not il think about it) just a simple NO, it turns the table round and i guarentee its the asker feels awkward and not you

[sars_notd_virus]

Hold on a minute,...I think that the way in the Philippines is fundamentally ''different'' because of one major factor ... I believe, If a family member has no job or money they dont eat !!...Here in the UK ,if you have a lazy good for nothing parasitical brother in law then you still pay for him just indirectly(BENEFITS)!!
So I think every British Husband have to ''appreciate'' our point of view when equating it to our way of life and culture.

[sars_notd_virus]

We chose to marry or get into a relationship with who we did, and most if not all of us should have realised very early on that we were getting into a slightly different mindset regarding family responsibilities than we might have done had we met someone from around the corner in our own towns.



Exactly, you deserve some rep:smile::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[malditako]

Hold on a minute,...I think that the way in the Philippines is fundamentally ''different'' because of one major factor ... I believe, If a family member has no job or money they dont eat !!...Here in the UK ,if you have a lazy good for nothing parasitical brother in law then you still pay for him just indirectly(BENEFITS)!!
So I think every British Husband have to ''appreciate'' our point of view when equating it to our way of life and culture.

Very true indeed....if uk has no benefits see if they dont do the same nor experience a family member ask for financial help.

[fred]

If you want to help them ,then do so..If you dont want to,then dont but be careful when telling a working Filipino spouse that she must not send her family cash!!
They are not asking for money because your wife is married to a foreigner. They are asking their daughter because she is working abroad.. Its a Filipino cultural support system.
As Sars says,there are no benefits here and very often the jobs are extraordinary low paying..
I have inlaws that work and live in the US.. They send money on a long term basis for things like college education for their siblings children etc.. Some have already graduated and are now working in HongKong.. They are now sending cash to help the US inlaws educate the newer college students in the family.
We help out in many ways that does not usually involve cash but if there are medical emergency then the we all muck in (whole family) and donate together..

[Pete/London]

Exactly as you say Fred, we support our 2 nieces through montesory school and their mother is a widow who works really hard in Singapore and we are more than pleased to help. We all chip in when an emergency crops up, but we normally contribute the most as we are in the best situation, changing now as I have retired. We will be coming up to some tough times I reckon as my wife`s parents health is deteriating, but we will have to cross that bridge when we come to it as a family.

[grahamw48]

I bought my mother-in-law this wheelchair, plus medical care when she became partially paralysed (and she came to live with us).
She was a lovely lady, and it was a small thing to do for her, but made a big difference to her life. (My step-daughter in the foreground).

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http://img542.imageshack.us/img542/4889/pict0049rf.jpg