Losing interest? [Archive] - Filipino UK Forum

Ady

5th October 2007, 19:25

I sometimes wonder if my girlfriend is losing interest in me. She works in an internet cafe, so I wake early before work to talk to her. Everyday we try to talk this way, but sometimes she is interrupted with her work. Really I understand that, but sometimes I get to feel paranoid - what if someone else.

On Sundays, she would go to an internet cafe to talk with me. Maybe 2 hours every Sunday - but the last 4 Sundays - she didn't come. She told me she can't afford it, even though I sent money to her. So instead I call her. I don't really send her much money, maybe 5k a month. I am guilty I don't send more, but she doesn't make me feel guilty. I just feel guilty in myself.

She sent me some pics of her birthday cards recently. And in there was an envelope Air Mail. She told me it is from her daughter, and she has no idea where her daughter got the envelope. Today, I asked her about the envelope - just dropped it into our conversation - and she said it was from her pamangkin. When challenged, she said it was a mistake when she said it was from her daughter.

I didn't react, even I felt confused about it. But instead I just stayed quiet, and left to go to work. She offered to show me the envelope tomorrow, but I said it is not necessary. But I am sitting here thinking now. And thinking about how she seldom comes to see me on Sundays, how she is always saying she is broke even I send her the equivalent of her wage (Yes I should send more, but I am saving for annulment, visa and buying a place for us one day). I love her a lot, but I am starting to feel that - if she didn't work where she can easily access the net, then it would become a big chore to see me.

She asked me to send money for her to have a connection at home - but I refused because when we meet she has lots of chatfriends, including one guy that I really hate to this day. He is the sort of guy that just adds Asian women to his friends list. Besides, I am trying on many fronts to make the way easy for her to come here.

Anyway, I just let it off my chest haha,,, I am not :ARsurrender: yet - just :Erm:

Shifty-Sidney

5th October 2007, 19:39

Hey Ady, firstly allow me to say a very big hello to you and secondly i have been a very similar situation! I was sending money but wynn was never able to afford cafe time or sms. Can i ask - have you met in person? how long have you known her?
I am sure others on this site will also tell you that Filipina`s can sulk like no other woman on earth!:NoNo:

Ady

5th October 2007, 19:57

Hi Mark,

Hi to you too!!!

I have known her 3 years. In fact we met in September 25 2004 - so recently 3 years.

At first we just mailed each other - because I seldom went online to chat rooms. I met her playing dominoes in Yahoo lol.

But in that April we become more involved, and she would go to a cafe every Sunday before. Sometimes missing one or two weeks, at which time I would call instead.

I have met her - last June in Hong Kong. But since then, I feel that talking in the net is no longer interesting to her. I know all about sulking lol, but I haven't done much wrong lately.

We hardly ever text me, instead we just ring each other - i mean call and not answer. I call her daily in my lunch hour. And I know tomorrow she will be mad because I am going to a football game lol.

Cheers

Ady

bigtombowski

5th October 2007, 19:57

Ady, I'll be honest . . .

I think that there is a lot going on here that you don't know about. It seems like all the suspicions u have about her and the things that you mentioned . . . all seem to amount to you being played and possibly scammed.:Brick:

1)The chatmate that you don't like . . . Im assuming that he's cruising for a nice filipina and . .. he just maybe likes your girl . . . if so then you gotta watch out for him ... grrr . .

2)The request for funds. I don't think that im wrong in saying thata true, modest, humble filipina won't ask u for dosh, she will always make it YOUR choice and YOUR own decision of your own volition . . . hmmm sounds not great . ..

3) Did she tell u she earns 5,000PHP working at internet cafe? hmmmm . . . i just happen to be in a relationship with a girl who works at an internet cafe and her salary is just more than a QUARTER of that amount . . . ok, if ur girl is in the city rather than the provinces, maybe she'd make 2,000PHP at a stretch . . . i know this one for sure lol ;)

4) she works at internet cafe but wants u to get her access to internet at home? hmmm sounds fishy! lol

anyway
these are just my random observations . . . :Rasp:

i hope they don't offend ...:cwm24:

tom

Ady

5th October 2007, 20:09

Hey Tom...

To be honest, she doesn't ask for money - and it is my choice, but I always say that the money can help her come online Sunday because it is tough for me to call daily.

The original chatmate - I found out about it, just before we became official. But there was some confusion there - I thought she was my girl a long time - but she thought just friends. But she signed her mails "nagmamahal" - so I thought it is serious. Confused? Sorry lol... but when I found out I didn't mention it. Later she told me about it. The chatmate is someone I could happily beat-up, but I am not a violent person - he just irritates me. I can see his blogs and he has a huge list of Asian girls as frinds, and calls them "DEAR" - Jeez... lol. But I think she doesn't talk with him now.

About her wage - she gets 2700 every 2 weeks. She is in Davao.

Our contacts daily are this - we mail each other, we chat an hour morning my time, and I call her in the lunchtime. Maybe I gave the wrong impression about her.

She doesn't ask me for money, but she says sometimes she is broke, or she mentions she will borrow money from her mama. What is a guy supposed to do? I have known her 3 years - but the fact I know she had lots of male chatfriends before I meet her - and some during - makes me sad. This is my first relationship of any description.

bornatbirth

5th October 2007, 20:15

how much do u send to ur gf? 5k isnt that £5000? or £500?

have u met each other,how long have u been together or chatting?

i cant really comment on what other people do as its not my place,but if your having doubts you need to sort it out and see what shes says?
working in a internet cafe wont earn her much but how much are u sending her?
have u even met up yet?
how much do u know about her and her family,where did u first meet?

all the money i send my gf soon goes too,any money she does earn and what u send her will never be enough,its called spending it on her family lol

you really have to learn to trust her and what she says but you have to get to the truth someday!!!

Ady

5th October 2007, 20:20

Shifty-Sidney

5th October 2007, 20:28

:NoNo:
Ady - there is a very good saying....
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you then it is yours! - if not then it never was.
I think its time you sat back and did nothing - this is very hard i know. But if she truly wants you then she will do everything she can. Some of the girls on here go to extreme lengths to chat with their Bf`s.
But i really do feel for you mate - we have been in very similar situations - i am now single again but it hurt like hell to let her go (Tom! dont even mention him/her!)

baboyako

5th October 2007, 20:30

minimum wage is 250p/day so 5k/mo sounds right to me tom.

that said.... there will be plenty of people telling her you a are kurripot, and plenty of guys happy to spend more..

bornatbirth

5th October 2007, 20:47

5000 peso a month and and she earns 2700 every 2 weeks u wonder why she cant chat to u?
i dont want u beat u up over it but that doesnt go far even there,one trip to the doctors will wipe her out?

money wise shes on the limit!

there are cheaper ways to keep in contact have a look on this site?

Ady

5th October 2007, 21:40

Thanks for the advice guys and gals. I think maybe I didn't send enough. :doh

ginapeterb

5th October 2007, 22:04

Ady, Hi mate my name is Pete, I have been following your story, and your concerns, the guys are right in one respect, yes ok you send her P5000.00 a month, and she tells you she earns around P5500.00 a month in the cafe.

So she has a combined income of P10,500 which is a good income by Filipino standards, my wife used to earn that amount in her own right as a general manager of a private clinic.

Firstly, I have a saying about internet relationships in the Philippines, and it kind of goes like this:

If you suspect things are not quite right, then your instinct is normally spot on...

Relationships over internet are frought with danger, and always will be, there are many successes, but also there are just as many failures, and its not about them being a Filipinos and you being a brit, nationality has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Personality and personal agenda has everything to do with it, the time element also gets me thinking, I assume from your comments this girl is married, and is awaiting an anulment which you say you are saving for.

The first thing is, guys get into these situations when quite frankly, there is no need to ever place yourself in it, there are literally hundreds of thousands of young ladies from Philippines who are not saddled with the baggage of having to be annuled so that you can marry them.

You love this girl. I understand that, but its been a long time you have known her by internet relationship standards, its now been 3 years, in the time you have known this lady, my wife and I met in 2003, I divorced in 2004, completed in 2005, married in 2005, and we have lived in UK for 2 years.

My point is this, she seems lethargic about communicating with you, as the other guys have said, this is a red flag, a filipina who is in love with you, will never tire of talking to you, I know some couples who spend 8 hours a day online for 2 years, that is the nature of that couples relationship.

All are different, your girl may have a new agenda you are not privvy to, I had an e mail from a young Filipino who lived on Bohol...the email said this.

Hi Pete my name is...xxxxx I have a British Boyfreind, I love him very much and we are soon to get married, he works for xxxx and I was just wondering how to get the visa for my entry to UK, I am so looking forward to coming..can you tell me the procedures.

I replied and referred her to my website.

2 months later, this lady e mailed me yet again.

Hi Pete can you advise me "My boyfriend has been made redundant, and he says he is not working right now, he says it might be months before he gets a nother job, and he says, he cannot afford to get me to UK right now, but anyway Pete, I fell out of live with him, I dont want to sound bad, but I met an American from Texas, he is really nice, and I think I love him, he is coming to see me in November, am I a bad person ?

I feel so bad Pete, but I dont love xxxx anymore, I love xxxx from Texas...
do you think that the British Embassy will tell the American embassy about my previous visa application.?

Please reply.

You see Ady...no money no honey !

Sometimes agendas are different...again i stress to you, if your radar is up and things dont seem right, your instinct is not often wrong.

Best of luck mate....dont be taken for a ride, remember there are plenty more fish in the sea....and its a very big sea !!

Ady

5th October 2007, 22:35

Thanks for the words Pete. I don't want to offend anyone - but I am not attracted to filipinas - I am just attracted to this girl that happens to be filipina. She makes me feel loved, but she can make me insecure too.

Maybe I am just tired of having a relationship in the net. She gave me access to her e-mails, and she gets invites from guys for certain things like dating sites. That hurts me... but she gave me access so I think it is a good sign.

One time, I was suspicious of a guy in her place in Davao. He was a friend to her sister, and worked with her sister - but used to travel home with my girlfriend. One day she didn't work on the Saturday - but she came online very late, and he came online the same time. I reacted - and he said I was unfair. She said that they were just cleaning her old house so that he could rent it and live there. I stayed away a while, and she kept calling me but I didn't answer. She mailed me and sent me messages in Yahoo.

One day (18 months ago) I logged into her Yahoo Messenger - and he left a message about how he enjoyed his time at KFC - and mahal kita. She said they never met at KFC, and she was upset. But I am mad, and I say I will call him. She gave me his number - and he said that they didn't meet. He was just playing a game. But why would he do that? And when I called her, she is in tears. I said it will be OK... but later that night I decided THE END. I called her, and I can remember her tears and cry. Even now it haunts me. I can't hurt her because I love her, but how to know if she really loves me?

Oh shoot... I have been messed around. I took her to HK in June - really she was warm and loving to me. I will go now... truthfully I have just confused myself more.

Thanks a lot guys... I mean it sincerely, but my mind is confusing everything.

aromulus

5th October 2007, 22:36

Yes, I can also see the red flags.

I would give her some more rope... But no money until things are clearer.
If she was coping alright before you came on the scene, stopping the 5k for a while ain't going to make much difference, or any at all.
Let her do the running and try to contact you at times.
I did leave a pc and all paraphernalia with my wife, on my second trip there, and also got her on broadband. But I was 100% sure of her love for me, and her family respect.

Welcome on board mate.:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Long distance relationships are never easy, but here on this, and Peter's site you will find lots of info that might help you cope.

good luck :xxgrinning--00xx3:

andypaul

5th October 2007, 22:58

Just 5k pesos. I am guilty it is a small amount, but I am not a huge earner. We met in Hong Kong last June, and really I trust her. But absence, distance, time apart has brought some paranoia back to my mind.

Ady 5k is a huuuuuge amount to the avg phill. Put it one way My Wife sends about 30 k plus her mum sends a smaller amount of money back home as she also works abroad. The quite a few kids are being put though school and uni (very nice ones at that), houses are being improved along with the running costs of an avg extended family being met.

I take it you have never been to phill ( hope that doesn't sound rude Ady) as you would reailse a working person would be very happy of a 5k subsidy trust me.

Like others say don't contact her for a few days or a not as much and see if she makes an effort. Thats nothing about the relationship being brit/phill just a good idea to make sure both parties feel the same.

bornatbirth

5th October 2007, 23:33

u know what after meeting my gf online she stopped chatting to any other guys she met online and she never as male friends even just to chat!!except her brothers and family......meaning neither should yours or anyone elses gf?

if ur gf as got a male friend,whats ur gf doing with him?mmmmmmm u really need to get that sorted,if it was me i would stop with her now!

lets put it like this if my gf introduced me to a male friend,i think bf I SAY GOODBYE!

u have to think for yourself and use some common sense,its been 3 years maybe shes getting tired of waiting and getting bored.

first up is to find out whats she doing with this guy and find out whats really going on,next tell her ur plans and make it soon but dont get mad at her,really push her until she cracks and gives u the truth!

bigtombowski

6th October 2007, 00:08

I think it's a bit extreme bornatbirth to say that having male friends is a red flag! lol! My girl had many male friends before i met her, and she still has them now. I like them, they are nice guys :)
I have female friends. Some of the closest friends i have are female ... it's not a bother.

I think when the relationship with your girl Ady gets a bit fishy with other guys is when he is collecting honeyz who all look like your gal, and when she's carrying airmail that could possibly be from this dude, or who knows!!?!

I wouldn't worry about her having friends of the other gender as i find my female friends can give me perspective on what mar is thinking, and her male friends can give her some insight into the workings of my brain! lol!

So hmmmm, i just thought i'd interject with my thoughts on this . .. but yes, Ady
I agree with what the other guys say regarding your situation . . . sight tight, keep a low profile and see what happens, and remember, we're always here for u dude.

I'd be very interested to hear what some of the girls on here think about your situation . ..

oh, ady .. . also .. when i said about her requesting money, i was just taking that from your first post . . . where you said . . .

"She asked me to send money for her to have a connection at home"

just sounds like u need to be very watchful for her and keep ur eyes open :)

I just hope everything works out beautifully for you mate :D

tom:xxgrinning--00xx3:

IanB

6th October 2007, 00:53

"If you suspect things are not quite right, then your instinct is normally spot on..."

I do not agree. Some people are suspiscious and their girlfriend is as straight as an arrow, while others get cheated on and dont suspect a thing!

Sure, there are some red flags here, but there are also potential reasonable explanations. For example, Mae is happy to chat to me on the phone. Her cousin will not talk to her boyfriend on the phone. Why? Because she is ashamed of her poor English.

Its a horrible situation being so many miles apart, any slight change or thoughtless comment gets noticed and then you have a day or more to mull it over and worry!

I think you do need to be careful, but keep an open mind. Mark's suggestion of playing it cool for a while seems like a good idea. This time next week this will hopefully all be forgotten!

Ian (another worrier).

bigtombowski

6th October 2007, 00:58

and oh gosh, it's always tough because as a friend here from the forum once told me . . . although filipinas generally have good english, sometimes it's still difficult for them to communicate what they want to say to us! ... and i sometimes forget that english is a second or third language to marivic . . . and then i can look at things thru her perspecive and not just my own :D

just another thought for y'all

bornatbirth

6th October 2007, 01:01

my point is be concerned???????

and after 3 years of waiting she maybe thinking is this going anywhere?

bigtombowski

6th October 2007, 01:06

that is a VERY good point bornatbirth!

actually, Ady . . . how come after 3 years you're still not . .. well, engaged or something?

fred

6th October 2007, 01:35

A private detective might get to the bottom of things.
I suppose the problem is finding one you can trust..
And round it goes..

les_taxi

6th October 2007, 03:29

hey i'm in davao in jan always wanted a surveillance job!

kimmi

6th October 2007, 03:47

hi Ady,

first welcome to the forum and thank u for trusting us with what's bothering u right now and U are confused whether ur gf is losing interest with u now..

Let's look at the money side first..U said u are feeling guilty because u only send her 5k pesos monthly,well Peter and other friends here are right it is already a big money here in our country.thinking also that she has her own earnings which makes it 10,500 a month..

just want to ask some questions for clarifications..

1. is ur gf also supporting her family?i mean her parents or is she the bread winner in the family?
2. u also said she has a daughter, right? is that daughter already goes to school?or how old is she?
3. how is their style of living? i mean is she somebody who likes going to mall always, and who always wanted a new item..is she a big spender?or knows the budgeting?

well from that u can easily spot on how is she with money..since on ur post she is not going online for sometime because she doesn't have budget for that or hse's just making an excuse not to talk with u?well sometimes truth really hurts but it can set us free..On my experience, though I am not saying it can be applied with ur gf, I met my fiance online also and we chatted almost everyday before he goes to work and I dont have my own computer by then..Come rain or shine I made sure I am online on the time and date we decided to talk simply because I love him and my days are not complete if I wasnt talk to him..
And he is not yet sending me any monies yet the time, there are also times i got broke but u know what I do?remember, if there's a will there's a way..I have a food allowance n my work that time and I dont use that to buy food instead I make 'baon' food from our home, so to save me and then I will have an extra cash for me to be able to come online..and i did that everyday because I really love my fiance and i will do everything for us to talk online..

have u talked to her heart to heart? I mean with her guy friends..Have u told her how u feels about her guy friends?

about ur relationship, I guess she's not aware that she's having a commitment with u, or she's ur gf already..because I guess a woman who was in a relationship already doesn't look for other man, I mean she will not go out with other man alone or unless she's with some firends..

I admit long distance relationship are very hard to sustain but still If u really love the person u will do everything to make it work..U have known her for 3years and I guess there are times u have told her about ur plans since u said that u are already saving for annulment,visa fees and other things..

Ady, I guess the best thing u can do right now is to weigh things..try to analyze everything..u cannot say u love the person thats why u are being like this or being like that..there are times we also need to think about ourselves too..like some of our male friends advice here, keep an open mind and an open eyes about ur situation..

Just my two cents.

gracia143

6th October 2007, 04:22

Hi Ady, once again, people like you who aren't too afraid to open up is what makes this forum brilliant. The guys who've posted their replies above could be mad sometimes but they are always ready for sound advises when needed. As a member, I am just so proud of them. At the end of the day Ady, it is still you who can make the decision, we can all look at the same thing and see something totally different. And like what all the others have said, being in a relationship is tough enough and being in a long distance relationship can take loads of hard work to keep it going but if done well, it will continue to grow even over the longest distance (that is how true love is). Follow your heart Ady and God bless always.

fred

6th October 2007, 04:24

hey i'm in davao in jan always wanted a surveillance job!

Yeah but can we trust you??

gracia143

6th October 2007, 04:28

Yeah but can we trust you??

:omg:

kimmi

6th October 2007, 04:36

its for u to find out Fred..he he he:)

gracia143

6th October 2007, 04:42

its for u to find out Fred..he he he:)

And round it goes:D

fred

6th October 2007, 04:56

And round it goes:D

:doh
:censored::censored::censored::censored::censored:

gracia143

6th October 2007, 04:58

Opppppssssss no offense meant there Fred, will shut my big mouth now:ARsurrender:

fred

6th October 2007, 05:05

Opppppssssss no offense meant there Fred, will shut my big mouth now:ARsurrender:

Dont you dare!!
I love a feisty woman!!
You are a woman right?..
Hang on..Even if you say you are...
How could I believe you??:Erm:

And round it goes!!:Cuckoo:

kimmi

6th October 2007, 05:09

oh no ure doubting Gracia's gender, fred?

gracia143

6th October 2007, 05:16

Dont you dare!!
I love a feisty woman!!
You are a woman right?..
Hang on..Even if you say you are...
How could I believe you??:Erm:

And round it goes!!:Cuckoo:

Not just a woman Fred, a feisty Filipina woman, Gabriela Silang is my great-great grandmother, the famous Lapu-lapu's blood runs through my veins. I love good debate as much as I do love banters and humour too. And one more thing Fred, it's the Brit humour that got me stuck to my future-husband:D. And I don't even need to convince you that I am a woman Fred:Rasp: just ask Trevor hehe

fred

6th October 2007, 05:31

Not just a woman Fred, a feisty Filipina woman, Gabriela Silang is my great-great grandmother, the famous Lapu-lapu's blood runs through my veins. I love good debate as much as I do love banters and humour too. And one more thing Fred, it's the Brit humour that got me stuck to my future-husband:D. And I don't even need to convince you that I am a woman Fred:Rasp: just ask Trevor hehe

I knew there was something a bit different about you..
Your great great grandmother is Gabriela Silang?
Lapu Lapu`s blood runs through your veins?
Now you have my undivided attention..
Tell me more.

gracia143

6th October 2007, 05:37

I was just making it up mainly but generally speaking, I am a woman no need to convince you. The name is Grace, it stands for something, I'm sure my Dad has his reasons why he named me Grace. Gabriela Silang it's written in history, she is one of the brave Filipinas who fought for our freedom. Your wife surely, can attest to that. And as for Lapu-lapu he is a native of Cebu and I am a Cebuana so the history goes on...what else do you want to hear Fred?

gracia143

6th October 2007, 05:37

Kimmi, i think i'm in trouble here! Do you think Fred is drunk? Helllppppppp!

fred

6th October 2007, 05:40

gracia143

6th October 2007, 05:43

:NoNo:

And I thought I had found wonder woman!! Scoop of the century!!
What a let down!!:bigcry:

Sorry:D:icon_lol::Rasp:

fred

6th October 2007, 05:46

Sorry:D:icon_lol::Rasp:

:icon_lol:

ginapeterb

6th October 2007, 07:35

joebloggs

6th October 2007, 07:49

hi Ady,

if she is reacting differently to you now , then there is a reason, paranoid ? or maybe what you think might be true, hard to tell.. at worse, i don't think shes a scammer, a scammer wouldn't turn down money, and you've meet her, so its unlikely. maybe she is using you and guilt is getting to her now, or what she says is true, only she knows...

you've known her for 3 years, and you phone her every couple of weeks now ? , not much of a relationship is it ?, i'm not having a go at you, i've been there, and in the same situation as you. 3 years is a long time, i would go and see my g/f every six months for 1 or 2 wks, and I did this for a couple of years, you soon get use to 'living your normal life' back home. your both 6,000 miles apart, 7 hours time difference, as many have said long distance relationships are difficult as it is.. but you and your g/f have friends, meet people at work or where ever, or old g/f and b/f's , so feelings for each other can change. its only natural.

as for advice, i wouldn't hire a PI, if she ever found out, it prob be over for ever, talk it out with her, tell her how you feel, what your problems are, how does she feel, talk about the future, and ask her, have her feelings changed towards you.. and make plans.. and what ever your problems are, you can work them out, i've been married near 5 years now.. :cwm24: :D

i wish you luck

:xxgrinning--00xx3:

oh, i understand why you want to punch someone, i'm still looking for someone to.. :D, justice will be done one day ..
:xxgrinning--00xx3:

gracia143

6th October 2007, 07:55

The same old chap from my hometown Joe:Erm:?

joebloggs

6th October 2007, 07:58

[QUOTE=IanB;38139]"If you suspect things are not quite right, then your instinct is normally spot on..."

I do not agree. Some people are suspiscious and their girlfriend is as straight as an arrow, while others get cheated on and dont suspect a thing!

Ian listen mate, my point is this, I am saying if you have to start saying "Has her interest cooled off" then the mere fact your asking on a public forum if their is a red flag, generally means this girl has behaved in such a way as to cause you to react in this way.

My experience tells me, and I have seen hundreds of stories like this, have countless freinds who have been in relationships with Filipinas, and

THEY NEVER ASKED IF THEIR GIRL IS COOLING OFF!

They Shot out the Phils either got married or brought their girls home !

3 years and not engaged or married....come on mate !!

totally agree with you peter, when i first chatted with my now wife, after a few weeks she said for me to come and meet her, i told her i would in a couple of months, those months past, and i said oh, couple more months becuase of work etc,, this happened more times, and til finally she said, if i didn't come in 2 months, not to bother at all, and i didn't go. but we finally meet about 6 months later, that was 18 months after we first chatted !!!, so i blame myself for the problems we had after that, but like i said, you can get thru anythnig, if you really want to ...

joebloggs

6th October 2007, 08:03

The same old chap from my hometown Joe:Erm:?

hahaha yes, he will need a gun, i'm not gonna :cwm3: him for myself, but i'm doing it for someone else, oneday he will have to explain his words and actions to this person .. and me punching him will be nothing compared to that day :NoNo:

aromulus

6th October 2007, 08:17

3 years of sporadic contact and only met once in Hong Kong....

If I were you, I would get the credit cards out and book a seat on the first plane going that way...
Meet the lady on her own turf, talk to her, listen to what she has to say, make plans together, or not, whichever is the case.
You have to admit to yourself that 1 meet in 3 years is neither here nor there, for a successful long distance relationship.

Most of the members on the forum have been over there several times, at great financial sacrifice to themselves, and that helped the relationships blossom.

And if the red flags are keeping you from traveling... go anyway, the worst come to the worst, you will have had a different vacation from the norm and you will have found peace of mind, one way or the other.

By procrastinating you are only prolonging the pain and increase the doubts in your mind.

Godspeed

ginapeterb

6th October 2007, 08:20

Joe, I have read hundreds of stories like Ady's over the last 3 years, they all have the same look and feel to them, they all start off by asking "Is this a red flag?" the reason they ask is because something is niggling them at the back of their mind.

Communicating in cyber world, and ultra long distance like from Uk or USA to Philippines is always frought with dangers, why do I say dangers, because the atributes and expectations you place on the party at the other side of the world is based on your own experiences in life.

Maintaining a relationship with the opposite sex with someone of your own nationality in the same town can often be hard at times, just imagine when you text your girl across town, or you make 20 missed calls, and she still does not respond, hmmmm at least you can drive over and find out why there is a problem, and if there is, who can guarantee that the two of you are still not talking for a week, and thats with a girl in the same town !

Now translate that to UK-Phils, you have absolutely no idea what the other is doing ? I have heard countless stories where guys find out their supposed GF or Fiancee is actually with someone else, generally a Filipino, but not always, it could be with another foreigner.

It may not be the case with this relationships we are discussing, I hope its not..but after 3 years of this relationship, where is the end result ?

For exampe, where are the two of them going ? what is their end game as I call it

The end game is where you formulate a plan as a couple to see what will be the fruits of your relationship, in my book, if you wish to carry on, it has to be living together either:

1. As man and wife, whether that be in UK or Philippines.

2. Living together in a relationship like a marriage.

If the end game is not to be in either of the above, then what is the premise of the relationship - is it going to be a long distance chat, text, and yahoo for the rest of your years....I dont think so...but stranger things have happened.

Ady asked "Is she cooling off" well after 3 years with no end game in sight, she just might have decided that its boring her, her lack of visits to the internet cafe to talk to Ady...calling her a couple of weeks...geeeeze let me tell you, my best pal, Steve, used to call his GF now his wife, 5 to 7 times per day, sometimes he called her after coming out of a business appointment, his GF would want to know if he was ok, where was he ? what was he doing ? how is business ? those sort of things.

When I worked in London, I used to visit clients, my GF now my wife, would want to text me and ask me ? did you do business ? where are you honey ? I would text back probably 20-30 times a day, it did not bother me that it was costing 25p a text, I mean when your in love...who the hell cares about the cost of texting !

We always had an agreeement, that we would talk on yahoo at least once a day, I never went to sleep at night, until I had said goodnight on yahoo to my then GF, she woke up in the morning, and went straight to her PC, after a year of courting, it was about 10 minutes in the morning, and then off to work for her, and off to bed for me.

I remember another member of this forum who does not come here anymore, he courted a girl...in 3 months he was in Philippines, in 3 weeks he was back, making plans to marry her, he would do anything to get out there, use his savings, sell his car....and his mortorbike..he didnt care what it cost him...he wanted to be with his girl.

3 months later, he went back, and took his Girl straight to the embassy, they applied, she got the fiancee visa, they came back together, this guy meant business...he was no slouch..thats what I call achieving the end game.

So my point will always be this :

If the two of you cannot be together, what is the point of carrying on, 3 years is far too long, although I am not saying it doesnt happen, I am sure it does, but their seems to be little intensity in this relationship, and in my view if it does up tempo soon, it will fizzle out...

finally:

A fish may fall in love with a chicken...but where will they build a house together ?

joebloggs

6th October 2007, 08:41

I totally agree with you peter, i've been in the same situation as Ady, wondering if something is wrong, and there was , for the reasons you just said, i totally blame myself, i was given many times to go and see her, and for many reasons i didn't (if you've read some of my posts, you will know some of the reasons why i didn't/couldn't). yes the old sayings ' HE WHO HESITATES IS LOST' and ' The ealry bird gets the worm' :D.......

my relationship was prob different from 99% of the users on here, my wife had just finished her first year at med school when we first chatted, and as i've said we chatted away for more than 18 months before we finally meet, and a year later we got married, as she was still at med school, we were married more than 2 years before we appiled for a spouse visa :yikes:, and we've been married near 5 years now, and shes been in the uk 2 1/2 yrs ... not many relationships survive that time scale, never mind marriages... but you can if you try .. :rolleyes:

ginapeterb

6th October 2007, 09:17

Joebloggs, good on you, is a nice story, you pesevered and kept the momentum going, always having your engame in sight, congrats..

joebloggs

6th October 2007, 09:41

oh and now we've got little joe :xxgrinning--00xx3:, 11 months and 1 day old :icon_lol: hes wrecked the house, but wouldn't change a thing.. :D

any problems that come your way, will not last, hell i should know.. esp the last 3 yrs... its not the number of times life knocks you down, its the number of times you get back up that counts.. and today is a new day ... :rolleyes:

KeithD

6th October 2007, 09:56

Just get one of the forum female undercover officers to contact her as a 'new friend'.

kimmi

6th October 2007, 10:28

very well said Peter..I agree with all the points u have said..Being a woman, if i am in ur situation Ady and we've been talking for almost three (3) years and only met once in hongkong is something different.. I may even wonder if ur really serious with me..Sending money is not a proof that u love her and even talking online, there's something that only the two of u can feel..

here in the Philippines, if people knows that u are having a relationship with a foreigner this was known to all. Other people might tend to always look at ur girl thinking whats next or why is she still not married with her foreign bf..

u really have to talk to her and discuss ur plans Ady, maybe she's get tired of reasoning out to herself that soon both of u will be together..Have u tell her about ur plans re the annulment, visa application, and everything about ur relationship?

well if not ud better start now, so at least she will know that this relationship has something to look forward to..

PeterB

6th October 2007, 10:31

Hmmm .. lots of thoughts about this ....
First of all, as many others have said, it seems that you might not be serious about the relationship (or, at least, that is what she might think).

I met Ruby online in April this year ... by September I had been to visit 3 times already, and brought her back to UK on a visitor's visa. For goodness sake, why have you not been to visit her in Davao???

Even with that amount of contact, we still had suspicions on both sides .. that's just part and parcel of a long distance relationship.

Oh, and I would miss out on many of my regular activities in order to be available when she could be online - so things like a football match would not take precedence.

Keith suggests one of the female members could befriend her - that can be useful as other forum members can attest. However, even more telling (and easier?) is for a male (it could even be you), to contact her on the net and see whether she is open to other relationships!

You say she is in Davao - do you mean in the city, or the province? Get out there .. meet her friends, family, work colleagues etc. Ruby and I will be returning to Davao province in December - to settle and marry. Can I do anything to help?

fred

6th October 2007, 11:03

Oh, and I would miss out on many of my regular activities in order to be available when she could be online - so things like a football match would not take precedence.

Women men and football.
Never the twain shall meet.

Ady

6th October 2007, 19:57

Hi all,

And I have to say thanks for all the advice and words. To say I have been lethargic is a big understatement, because it is 3 years and we only meet once.

First I will say, I don't call her just every few weeks. I call her every day - and I used a number that is free to my mobile except at weekends. That was until recently, when the number changed. My contact with my gf is, we mail each other daily, and we chat online daily before I go to work. I call her every weekday, and I always asked her to please come online Sunday as I cannot afford to call every Sunday. It is only recently that she won't come online on Sunday. It doesn't really affect me, but in moments of loneliness, it makes me paranoid that she loses interest. But sometimes the line is bad when we talk by phone, and in the weekdays she is working. So Sunday - coming online - gives us the best chance to plan our next movements. One time she texted to say she is drunk and can't make it online - and that is the first Sunday after we are back from Hong Kong.

What you guys say is right... and it sometimes takes the words of an outsider to point it out. I apologised to her deeply today - because we are friends 3 years, and in a relationship 2.5 years but we only met once. That is my fault. She asked me many times to go to Davao - and I only found this forum recently. Davao is on Mindanao, and the FCO have many warnings against going there. That doesn't worry me - but I have a sick parent and I am trying not to give them cause to concern. In September 2006 - we applied unsuccessfully for a tourist visa. The reason of rejection was that they didn't think she will return home. It was only a few months later I realised we can meet in HK. Yes, it should be Davao - but my parents read a lot about kidnappings in Davao. I am not worried to go to Davao, but I didn't want to cause my family extra concern. My father has been seriously ill, and I take a number of days absence from work to take him to hospital. I know what it looks like - that my parents rule my life, or I am a coward. But I am trying to find a compromise after our rejection of a toursit visa.

After we were rejected in the tourist visa, really I thought there is no way that I can bring her here to live. But this site, and an advisor from the IAS said that tourist visas are the hardest to get. That has given me renewed hope.

About my girlfriend, her brother is working in the UK - and I met him, and just called him. I spoke to some of her pamangkins, and to some of her sisters and brothers too. I speak to her daughter a lot. Her daughter is 9, and I am not used to kids lol... but I really connected with her.

So, my next plan is this. I want to help her file for annulment - and I want to do it soon. When that is done - I mean in process - I will go to Davao. I can't go there until 2008 because I don't have any leave left from my work.

I am sure she is not scamming me, but she has a tough life before, and her marriage breakdown has hurt her. At times I am scared that she wants to pay back men for what happened to her - I know that has happened with jilted partners (I really want a better phrase) before. She is 36 now, and I am 31 - and I want to be together in a marriage with her this time next year. Is it too tough a schedule? I don't know. I am glad some of the ladies posted here - because I am more happy to know about things from the other side. Sometimes I am blind stupid, and I have been selfish to let this girl wait 3 years. I should have been to Davao many times already - as many as my work will allow. I am serious about her, and I really love her a lot. I am just scared to lose her, or scared that she will lose interest.

I didn't ask her to marry me yet, even she knows that is what I want. The reason being, she is still married. I can't ask her until she is annulled na?

I am scared to fail in this, the girl means the world to me.

Thanks a lot for your advice... and making me see that there is more I should do.

I don't know if I answered all the questions asked... and I will try to answer anything that is asked - within reason.

My girlfriend knows about the plans - that we will seek annulment, then I will go to Davao whilst it is in progress, and then later seek a fiance visa - with maybe other visits to Davao in between. I only have 5 weeks leave a year, so there is a limit to what I can do in this respect - but I acknowledge I should have done more than I have.

Thanks a lot everyone.

andypaul

6th October 2007, 20:31

To have taken all the time to write the messages show you care Ady, its not easy to just jet off. To be honest it would have taken me far longer to go if it happened at a different period of my life.

Any decent person will understand if your parents worry. Maybe people from here who know davo (Never been so can't comment personally) can reasure you its not as bad as it sounds.

Stick around and the people on here will try and help as much as they can.

ginapeterb

6th October 2007, 21:25

Ady mate listen...I am reading your final reply, and I am sitting here thinking to myself...

hmmmmmm Pete me old mate..how many times have you heard this one !

listen to yourself here:

So, my next plan is this. I want to help her file for annulment - and I want to do it soon. When that is done - I mean in process - I will go to Davao. I can't go there until 2008 because I don't have any leave left from my work.

The reason this relationship is going nowhere, is that your girl is married under Philippine law !

You have known her for 3 years ? so what has been going on ? if you were mad about this woman...she is 36, time is not with you...you should have got the anulment petition presented...how long do you think an anulment takes ? if you have the money, not long, sometimes between 12 months and 18 months.

What stage is the anulment at ? has your girl had the psychological examination as yet ? has it been listed for the regional trial court ?

Please dont tell me, its been 3 years and your girl has not filed as yet ? because if not, you are going to have to wait an awful long time to resolve this, and their is no guarantee the grounds put forward to the trial judge will result in an anulment being granted.

Personally unless you get the right anulment attorney and pay enough palms to be greased I wouldnt bother about your leave in 2008, because on that basis, you wont be there until 2009.

The fact is...you should have gone to Davao to meet this lady, Kimmi is right in her post...listen to what she says and think about it from the perspective of Filipino loss of face.

here in the Philippines, if people knows that u are having a relationship with a foreigner this was known to all. Other people might tend to always look at ur girl thinking whats next or why is she still not married with her foreign bf..

When a Filipina is known to be in a relationship with a foreigner, all eyes will be on her, there will be lots of chikka in the barrios about this matter, if nothing is going on, or there is no progress, she will loose face...

In 3 years, you only met her once in Hong Kong, like the others I cannot understand for the life of me, why you didnt go to Davao and spend time with her, I have to be honest Ady, I rather fancy, this woman will not be come your wife...I know.I am being amazingly presumptious...

But dont shoot the messenger, just accept the message...

Its hard enough to conduct a long distance relationship over 6000 miles away, without having a monkey on your shoulder to make your progress agonizing, the monkey symbolizes your girls being married.

The one thing you dont tell us, is does she have kids ? at 36 I would not be suprised that she has one or two..and if thats the case...you have got 3 monkeys on your shoulder.

Point taken mate !!

Petes advice on this one.

Drop the monkeys on your shoulder, and move on....life is...never standing in the same part of the river...life is too short you have enough problems to deal with...this situation will drain you emotionally I doubt though whether you will take the message on board, but...best of luck...

P.S. Foreigners are always well looked after in Davao City, you have His Honour Mr Rodrigo Duterte to thank for that, you will be perfectly safe, Davao City has just been voted the safest city in the Republic of Philippines by Asia Business Magazine...the local undesirables are alway well taken care of by the Davao Death Squads...

Ady

6th October 2007, 22:13

Again, thanks a lot for the responses.

If I look deep inside myself, there is a mixture of feelings. But strongest of all is that I am in love with the girl. I am so happy when we are in HK that it makes me feel like a father and husband. But, in the cold light, I am just a bf. One 6000 miles away. I am in love with her really, and she is a part of my life for so long.

I am bad, I know it... because still we didn't file an annulment. When we get back home from HK - her husbands family took an illegitimate child and named my girlfriend and her husband as father and mother. They did it illegally, and I paid now for an atty. The court case was cancelled twice... and I dont think we can file annulment while we are waiting for this to be concluded.

I know it seems tough and messy, and life is short etc. But this girl, and her daughter - I cannot leave behind. I have to take them into my life... really I do. I can't turn away from them, I can't let them down.

I read a lot of things before coming to this site - like people jailed for adultery. Her husband is a jailer - what if he has contacts to use against me if I was there.

I read annulment can cost 180k in pesos... that is not a problem because I have my life savings. But I didn't want to part with it until we met in person - and that only happened 4 months ago.

Maybe this relationship is impossible... but there is something I cannot do. And that is walk away... unless she gives me a reason to walk away. I am 31, and she is 36, but sometimes she is like a child, and I really feel I have to take care of her. I am doing a lousy job at it, but I will keep trying.

I am scared now, what if the annulment is not possible. She told me that she can get annulled in a week or two - but that seems like a ripoff. I read about that too - so I told her to seek a good lawyer and attourney. But the other court case - where she is trying to remove her name from a birth certificate - it delays everything. She has to go to a court in Bansalan, the case is cancelled twice and as yet we have no new dates. Guys... I am sorry to open it all now. Everyone has their own problems.

What I know is I love her deeply. Sometimes I am paranoid or lose trust because of the distance. I created a duff account in yahoo to message her - as a guy - and she didn't reply, instead added the duff account to her ignore list. It is so complicated, but I cannot punish her for that. I am really in love with her, maybe one day my life is without her, but I cannot think that for now. There is always hope right? I mean this is not a hopeless case. We have so many setbacks - even we meet only once in 3 years, it is not through a lack of trying. Firstly the visa application for tourism is refused, and now the case of the misuse of her name on a birth certificate.

Again thanks a lot for your advice. I won't shoot any messengers, just Government officials that refuse visas :cwm23: and lack of divorce laws, and people abusing her name. What I have to say is, she has a lot of tough things in her life - I would have to be a real barsteward to let her face it alone.

andypaul

6th October 2007, 22:29

Looks like you need to plan a trip to Phill then, if meeting her in Davo is not a good idea why not meet in another location in phill? Sounds like you both need a holiday and time to relax before the long process starts if after meeting again your both ready to go ahead with it.

Ady

6th October 2007, 22:32

I think Davao is the place to go. I will go there early 2008, it is the only way.

andypaul

6th October 2007, 22:42

:xxgrinning--00xx3: The best thing to do. Plan it well and your have a great time.

joebloggs

7th October 2007, 01:21

:Erm: maybe your right 99% of the time peter :D, and from what i know and have seen thru the years with LDRs, you are right, time and distance does cause major problems.. but I'm sure you would have given me the same advice.. and maybe rightly so.. but there is the 1%, i've been married near 5 years, we've got 11 month old little joe now, thnigs are great btw us, since we've been togther 24/7....

but like you Ady, at the end of the day, i just couldn't walk away, i tried many times, so did she, but the goodbye was not for long, i'm not the type of person who can just forget the 1000s of hours , where we both chatted for upto 10 hours a time, and all the laughs we had, even some sad times, i wouldn't walk out on a friend, never mind g/f or fiancee and my situation looks to have been more complicated than yours..

sorry about your father, hope he gets better, in the last 3 years i've lost my step dad, my brother and my mother was close to death twice.. as for parents ruling your life, i've still got the memories of my mom pleading with me not to leave her for 2wks, as i went to bring my wife and daughter back to the uk :NoNo:

Ady your path looks to be long and difficult.. but If there's a roadblock, you jump over it, walk around it, crawl under it...

but like many on here have said, maybe you need to go and see her, make sure you both feel the same way.. as for having 5wks hols a year, i had and still have only 4, but i went many times for 2 wks, and some times i could only go for 1 wk !!

we made it, so can you.. good luck from me :xxgrinning--00xx3:

bigtombowski

7th October 2007, 02:00

Ady ... did u read Peter's advice?
I mean . . . did u really read it and let the advice sink in?
Please read it and reread it a few times . . . it may be hard for u to take, but i think if u take it it will ultimately be helpful for u and save you a lot of heartache now and in the future ...

just my humble opinion

bigtombowski

7th October 2007, 02:04

Ady

also, i just want to say this ...

if u do want to continue in this relationship and you must continue on . . . then mate... make sure you talk a LOT with joebloggs here. He is not only someone who has been thru a lot of stuff who can help u with advice and stuff like that . . . he is also a really really good guy, a diamond geezer who can be a good friend for u . . .

i know coz he's helped me!

so that's another recommendation for u ady
oh and it's a "big-up" for Joe :D

tom

kimmi

7th October 2007, 03:06

hi Ady,

i know how u feel when u talked about ur parents, since most of us I know cant decide properly when our parents are involved in the situation..

But I guess u'd better make a decision before everything falls down..

Like Peter have said Davao is really the safest and nicest place here in the Philippines, i should know because my mom is from Davao and we do have lots of relatives living there so u'd better start explaining it to ur parents, tell them that there's really nothing to worry. Btw, may I ask are u an only child? I mean are u the only one in charge with ur parents? Any brothers or sister which can help u about parents welfare?

So if everything is sorted about ur parents already then u can start making decisions about ur relationship with ur gf..Honestly ur gf's marital situation is really complicated.. U are saying that she is already separated with her husband but I wonder if they do still have communication?are they separated in a nice way or hate each other?because, why do his family makes her life miserable by putting her name as a mother of another child?About her annulment, like Peter have said, its really a long process unless u are willing to grease out the palms of greedy people here who are always taking advantage of other people who's in need..

If u really want this relationship to be successful, u'd better start doing something now though planning is good but everything will put into waste if u do not put it in action..Make a time table and take things one step at a time..

I know u might think it is easy for us to say things because we are not on ur situation but believe me, we can clearly think of solutions about ur problem because we are not in ur situation..

Just have faith in God, trust in Him and believe that everything happened for a reason..we may not fully understand it right now but I am sure in God's time everything will fall into its proper places..God blesses a good son..:)

I am with u in prayers..Good luck Ady and God bless..

gracia143

7th October 2007, 04:00

Life is always full of challenges and it is better to admit as much and decide to be happy in spite of all. Looking back, my situation is just as complicated as yours. But like experts had said, difficulties are errands and when you are sent for them it is God's way of saying he trusts you and believes that no one else can do it other than yourself. Good luck Ady!

I love what you wrote Kim!

ginapeterb

7th October 2007, 08:05

Ady my wife thinks I am being too hard on you mate !

She says 'dont take away Ady's hopes and aspirations away"

She knows me better, Pete always tells it as it is, and if you need a cuddle from a freind who wont tell you how it is...get a dog !

The fact is...youve left this matter for far too long, and then wonder why your in the situation your in.

People on this forum genuinely hope and pray, everything goes well for you, so do I mate, the reality is thought...we would be deceiving you if we did not advise you that you have many mountains to climb, of course as some of the others have said, its not impossible, but then rarely is anything impossible.

I am saying...based on your story, its highly unlikely that this girl in Phils will end up being your wife..and living in UK with you, assuming of course that all of this 3 year 'relationship' shall we call it...is going in the direction of the two of you living in UK as man and wife.

What if its not the premise of your quest ? then really all our advice would be of no use to you.

Because in all your posts, you never once stated what I expected you to state...you tell us you love this girl..but suprsingly, your endgame is not mentioned at all !

Other than telling us, you want to help with her anulment and then go and see her when your leave next comes up...

To be honest Ady..I have this impression of you, that your not that serious about this lady..and I will tell you why I am led to form this impression of you.

Firstly, to have a Filipino wife at your side is considered a privilidge, many of the guys on this forum will tell you, that their wife is the best.. !!

The best yes...unique, not like any other, or their Girlfriend/Fiancee is, they would eat limma beans and walk around in shoes with holes in, as long as their girl has the very best.

They wouldnt care how they looked as long as she looked like a princess, they would climb mountains, swim oceans, jump through rings of fire, and sell everything they have just to spend one week with her in Philippines.

They would make almost amazing sacrifices to get out there !

That is the Philippines, I knew a guy who used to work for 9 weeks, never spent a penny on himself, saved up enough for a flight, and some spends, he used to go to internet every day, he asked his girl every day

"Are you eating ok honey, do you need clothes, is your hair ok, go and do your nails, look good and wait for me...not much longer, I will come...to you as soon as I can"

He didnt leave it long, 9 weeks later, he was back in Philippines, even if it was only for 2 weeks, or 3 weeks, he came back, started working again, within 9 weeks he was back again, and in all this time, he was organizing a divorce in UK, with all the stresses and all the paperwork, solicitors and court dates, he never lost sight of his endgame.

His goals were pretty clear for all to see, to make this lady his wife, was all he could dream about, she simply was the best woman in the world he had ever met, she was unique, it didnt matter that she had faults...hahaha, he never saw them..and if he did...they were covered over by his total admiration and love for her.

Over a period of 2 years, he had visited her 8 times, spent nearly 26 weeks during that period in the Philippines, they simply could not bare to be parted...

Finally they got married, and life could not be better, he was so proud of his Filipino wife, he put her on a pedestal, her needs were always more important than his, he got his pleasure out of seeing his Filipino wife happy, his personal feelings never came into it...

He was smart..he knew that a happy and contented Filipino wife was his best asset, you see Ady..he could not rest until he fulfilled the end game, and finally after 2 and half years of going back and forth, and thousands of pounds of his hard earned money and after selling all his possessions and his car...the wife finally landed at Londons Heathrow airport.

You should have seen this guy, man he was pole vaulting down the arrivals hall, smiling and beaming from ear to ear....

And then...the real life began...

This story is not unique, in fact, its pretty typical of freinds of mine who move mountains, shift large boulders in the way, they allow nothing to hold them back from achieving their end game, these men are on a crusade...they are on quest...

Could you be one of these guys Ady ? if this girl you tell us about who is married and after 3 years is still in Philippines....youve got the power to change that situation..

But what you have to think now...is this:

Is she really worth it ?

The wonderful thing is....only you can make that decision, I know mine is...Im sure the guys will all tell you that their girl is just like the girl in our story...

If she is worth it...then I wish you ever happiness in your crusade..but I suspect..that in your mind..she just isnt worth it enough to you.

Your actions in the last 3 years, just tell me everything ...and yet tell me nothing.

A man on holiday in the Pacific was out diving, he swam to the bottom of the sea, whilst swimming he saw a few yards away something glinting at the bottom, that was unique and like no other stone, on closer inspection, he found the most amazing precious pearl...the pearl shone bright and was of high value...the man released the pearl from its hiding place...he took it close to his heart, never letting it go...he cherished it...and hid it in the safest place he could find, after his holiday was complete, he took it back to Uk, the minute he placed his eyes upon the pearl, he could not take his eyes from it, its beauty, radiance and splendour, he could not forget, he placed it in his house, everyday he went to work, he could not wait until he came home to see his beautiful pearl...he cherished it..

A pearl is a wonderful thing to find in the bottom of the sea, it has value, and is beautiful to gaze at...a Filipino wife who loves you is 100,000 times more valuable and can actually have an intelligent conversation...

So ....decide if she is...and get some dosh together....and

GET OUT THERE !!!!!

aromulus

7th October 2007, 09:20

As usual Peter, has dispensed some straight invaluable advice. (Wonder why it took him so long to return to the site sometime, but that is his business)
More or less on the same lines as I would have done myself.
So I feel that there is nothing else to add but to repeat, in my view, the most important point of them all, get yourself overthere and meet the girl on her own turf.
This is the only way to help unscramble the various difficulties and hurdles in your path.
And to start a game plan.

Targets + Planning = Result

Good luck

KeithD

7th October 2007, 09:38

The kid is easy to resolve with a DNA test.

Davao is not a great place, can be a bit like Belfast in the 80's, but the chances of being blown in N Ireland, or kidnapped were very slim.

As for the visit visa, only around 5% succeed. Search the forum.

I knew my wife for 2 years before she came here, and visited her in Singapore about 5/6 times.

It would probably be cheaper for you to buy a cheap PC/Laptop for her, put her on broadband, and use Skype, or something.

KeithD

7th October 2007, 09:41

One last thing, it would help all enormously if your girl came on here.

bigtombowski

7th October 2007, 09:47

[QUOTE=Win2Win;38372]

Davao is not a great place, can be a bit like Belfast in the 80's, but the chances of being blown in N Ireland, or kidnapped were very slim.

[QUOTE]

yeh, if you were known here ;)

(yeh i was brought up in a tough part of belfast and still live here, but ... i was sheltered thru the 80's, so i don't have a huge amount to go on hehe...)

i just thought i'd say :)

not that my comment has any connection with davao, so i'll just shut up now

PeterB

7th October 2007, 10:18

Wow, Peter is so right!

In my case, since Ruby and I met online, we have not spent more than 6 weeks apart at any one time - and even that has been too long. All that time I have known exactly what I want .. to be married and to spend the rest of my life with Ruby, in the Philippines.

... and I'm so proud of her .. while she is in the UK I've wanted to introduce her to all my friends and acquaintances - only her shyness has stopped me from rushing this.

In our case, it is my divorce which has delayed a wedding, and now that the divorce is complete, Ruby wishes to wait until after our first baby arrives in February. However, we did discuss engagement and concluded that delays in the legal process of becoming free to marry should be no bar to us displaying our committment - so it was that I bought her a ring and we became 'officially engaged' on my second visit.

If your girl really did block your false contact on yahoo, without suspecting your trick, then that is a good sign. Be aware that any 'decent' filipina will take all possible steps to protect her reputation, just in case things don't work out, so what she may not tell other people about her true feelings, or the true nature of her relationship with you.

Please don't use reports of terrorism in Davao to keep you away .. it really is a safe place, despite the recommendations of our FO. I honestly have not felt any threat that I couldn't experience in the streets of London. In any case, your girl will not allow you to go anywhere on your own .. if she can't be with you, she will find a trusted friend or relative to accompany you.

I'm still not clear whether your girl actually lives in Davao city itself. In my case, I've spent most of my time in Tagum, which is an hour or two's drive from Davao city.

My advice is to keep up the regular contact, and move heaven and earth to get to Davao as soon as possible. Christmas is a special time for filipinos - I know that flights will be expensive, but can you not arrange extra time off across the holiday season? Also, discuss your fears and suspicions openly - if the relationship is good, and blessed by God, this will strengthen it. Even in the 6 months since we first met online, Ruby and I have had 'difficult' patches, but we quickly learned that honesty and openness is the best policy. Above all, we know that God has been with us all along .. that our relationship is His will - our destiny .. we can see how His plan was working even before we met online.

I wish you well!

joebloggs

7th October 2007, 11:37

Ady my wife thinks I am being too hard on you mate !

no ! :D , not often you'll hear this from me, maybe you are pessimistic peter, or a realist ? i think with all your experience peter your a realist, for once i'll be optimistic, and that Ady can sort this out by going see her and making plans..

She knows me better, Pete always tells it as it is, and if you need a cuddle from a freind who wont tell you how it is...get a dog !

a dog is like a fiancee or wife, not just for xmas but for life :rolleyes:, i'm sure many on here have not known their wife or g/f for 3 yrs, 3yrs is a committment, and so the bond he has with her is not so easy to break, and when the hard times come in your relationship, do you just walk away?

but peter most of what you say is true.. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

oh little joe is here pulling at me mains cables.. :cwm24:
time to go... :Help1:

kimmi

7th October 2007, 12:03

so Ady ud better start packing all ur clothes now and have a safe trip in Davao..:)

cinmickey28

7th October 2007, 15:23

Hello Addy, Three years is a long time and yet you didn’t know where your relationship is going. I just want to share my thoughts and experience on this.

I think you must have to talk and open this up to her. On my case that I am only separated from my husband (now annulled) before I meet my fiancé. Lots of questions comes to my mind. So, on my point of view she might have the same feeling as I had before. Lots of “what if’s in my mind”. Like where would our relationship ends? (specially yours that its been 3 years already). How serious is he to me considering my situation? Will he be able to accept my son? What if he cant wait till I will be free? What if my annulment will not be granted? What if I will be madly in love with him and he don’t love me really? (Like ur gf I had a very tough life too with my ex so for me I really need to be very careful). A feeling of insecurities arise as you have been aware that lots of young women are wanting to be with westerners since the internet has been popularized.

I must admit that before I meet him personally 4 years ago, though we talk very seriously via emails daily and he calls me at least 3 times a day but still I was not so convince if he really want me that much. Still I could not build the trust because of my situation. Not until we meet 6 months after communicating and that he wanted me to be committed to him as he said he loves me and want me and would hurt him very much if the time I will just meet him one day and leave him for the rest of the 3 weeks just flying here in the Philippines to meet me. But after our meeting and he has answered all my questions on my mind day by day that makes us draws closer and fell in love with each.

Some questions are: Are you willing to wait till she is free, provided that she still has another case this time to sort out? Though you mention that she said she can get annulled a week or 2. I haven’t heard that but that is in Davao. In Cebu I heard there was 2 months being handled by my lawyer as what his messenger told me the other day. But for sure with that kind of annulment she has to take risk if technicalities arise as for sure there is “magic” on the proceedings. A normal annulment that is really following the proper court order would really takes nearly a year and even years. (Mine is more than 2 years).

I think she needed your support too and give her assurance with your relationship that you will be together soon either in the UK or in the Philippines. If you really love her that much. Not only words but let her feel it by your presence by visiting her as what others says here. Filipinos value more the family and it will be a points too in order to make a good foundation in your relationship and not just by meeting her to other country. Also if a woman is introducing you to her family you will feel more secure as you can tell that it is true. ( It is not that I am saying that it is your gf but just based on the experience of a friend from Birmingham who happened communicate a girl from Iligan but the woman wants to meet him in Cebu, she just took her money and said good bye, then he found out that she is married with kids. It hurts him very much but anyway he is happy now with another woman.)

It seems I can sense that both of you are having uncertainties in your mind by then. But this have to be taken seriously if you really love each other. Open communication is very much needed. As for sure you cannot read her mind nor she does to you.

But still you have to open your senses still as to other possibilities of her change and the red flags that other says. You have to evaluate other aspects too. And if your senses tells you that she is being dishonest to you then I think it is better to move on though it will hurt at first but in the long process wounds will heal.