Fred's 2014 joke thread.

[fred]

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ....... fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? That fat ...... with a beard gets all the credit!!


















Still I suppose its my fault for marrying her.

[fred]

http://img707.imageshack.us/img707/1680/93qi.png

[fred]

Well it's January the 5th and I must admit I've yet to see a Bulgarian.

But in all fairness, I've only been in Bulgaria for three Days.

[fred]

The Mother Superior announced "Sisters, I have something very serious to tell you. One of the nuns has broken her vows. We know this because we have a case of gonhorrea in the convent."
An elderly nun at the back said to the young nun next to her "What did she say?"
"She said we have a case of gonhorrea in the convent."
"Thank Goodness" replied the elderly nun, "I'm sick to death of that Beaujolais"!

[fred]

Coming home in a taxi after a late night we were travelling through a rural area on a moonlit night. We passed some cows in a field and she said "don't they get cold - do they stay out all night". I said yes. She said "God they must have skins like leather."

[fred]

http://www.avonconnects.co.uk/servlet/JiveServlet/showImage/2-1522502-42656/1185740_10151547667972172_879900902_n.jpg

[fred]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?????



Lickalotapuss

[fred]

GIRL : I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a B@STARD.
PSYCHIATRIST : Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL : Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

GIRL : Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a B@STARD.

GIRL : But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

GIRL : Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a B@STARD.

GIRL : But, he took my cloths off.
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

GIRL : Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a B@STARD.

GIRL : But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

GIRL : Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a B@STARD.

GIRL : But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST : The B@STARD

[Michael Parnham]

GIRL : I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a B@STARD.
PSYCHIATRIST : Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL : Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

GIRL : Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a B@STARD.

GIRL : But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

GIRL : Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a B@STARD.

GIRL : But, he took my cloths off.
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

GIRL : Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a B@STARD.

GIRL : But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this?

GIRL : Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a B@STARD.

GIRL : But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST : The B@STARD

:laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher:

[raynaputi]

:laugher::laugher::laugher:

Nice start of the year Fred! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Dedworth]

http://img707.imageshack.us/img707/1680/93qi.png

Fred - Careful - You'll upset Les & Joe Bloggs

Great pic :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Terpe]

Great start fred :xxgrinning--00xx3:

They all tickled me no end.......................
but #8 :laugher::laugher::laugher: brill
Nearly spilled my beer

[grahamw48]

Hahaha...a bunch of good ones there Fred. :icon_lol::xxgrinning--00xx3:

Can I just slip one in ? :smile:

.
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office :do_it:.... but she was dating someone else.


One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give

you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'


Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor :REGamblMoney01HL1:, you bend down :action-smiley-081:, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'


She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.


Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The :censored: had all quarters !' :Cuckoo:

[fred]

Ha ha.. Nice one!!

Can I just slip one in ? :smile:

Depends where you want to slip it..

:cwm25:

[fred]

http://www.tickld.com/cdn_image_article/a_56_20140130070522.png

[fred]

Meanwhile in Holland. They Are Raving to Benny Hill.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=8pQAWOCofXo

[grahamw48]

:icon_lol::xxgrinning--00xx3:

Brilliant !

[fred]

Put this up before I think 3/4 years ago but well worth repeat ..

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/535480_10150659842129705_423539269_n.jpg

[grahamw48]

:icon_lol::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[les_taxi]

Just had to post this in case no-one has ever seen it classic :icon_lol:
XY66ZJ0TFUI

[fred]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/p320x320/1545058_807590885934439_1279462646_n.jpg

[fred]

https://24.media.tumblr.com/7e5aa8af57385929a7c7e7fcb6e90a11/tumblr_n3r5hx8Bv61sixm0mo1_400.png

[fred]

https://24.media.tumblr.com/72a7e5bddf17809344c9d6820865dd3c/tumblr_n49ypj77mj1sixm0mo1_400.jpg

[fred]

http://i61.tinypic.com/2d6mfld.jpg

[fred]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/e3d453de6d689390bb360e96107c65a9/tumblr_n4ir06acNb1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

My mate asked today, "What's the possibility of Oscar Pistorius being found innocent?"

I said, "There's more chance of him getting athletes foot."

[fred]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/bbe1bfef55ee3ba0cc83d87eb6dac287/tumblr_n4l09pXskf1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

https://24.media.tumblr.com/ec3b61904fc85d885d3252c881ea269d/tumblr_n4mumfPhbx1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

https://24.media.tumblr.com/59a7ef4122ddbd2537754be314931959/tumblr_n4mun8aFKS1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/180bd84fc69565497b0eff1ab7ecf59c/tumblr_n4489fJiEg1sixm0mo1_400.jpg

[fred]

Arguing with a woman is like wrestling a greasy pig; after a while you realise the pig is actually enjoying it.

[fred]

To the wise guy that hid my trainers as I played on the bouncy castle yesterday afternoon.

You need to grow up mate.

[Terpe]

:laugher::laugher::laugher:

Nice dose of 'laughing medicine' there ......thanks Fred :xxgrinning--00xx3:
Really tickled me.

[grahamw48]

Very good Fred. :icon_lol: :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

You're welcome guys!!

We need to laugh more, I've discovered!

[fred]

Three Irishman, who all stuttered, decided to try a new speech therapist. The therapist turned out to be the most beautiful woman they had ever seen. She also had a new technique for curing the stutters.

She tells the three, "If you can say the name of the city where you where born without stuttering, you can have sex with me."

Francis goes first and says "D-d-dub-b-blin". "Sorry", says the therapist.

Sean goes next and says "B-b-belfast". "Sorry", says the therapist.

Finally, Paddy manages to get out "London", at which point the therapist takes him into the back room, where they have the best sex that Paddy ever had. As Paddy is lying there catching his breath, the therapist asks him "Well?" at which point Paddy says "D-d-derry"

[fred]

A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in
the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing ****, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

[fred]

Jurgan Klop has confirmed he will not be going for the Manchester United managers job.

but his brother Clippity is interested...

[fred]

What goes clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clippity-clop, BANG! BANG! clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clippity-clop?




An Amish drive by shooting.

[fred]

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

[fred]

Genuine personal ad..

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car, hunting, camping and fishing, cozy winter nights in lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call 01872-264208 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Truro RSPCA

[fred]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
>> anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special
>> occasion
>> I think that it is time I made a confession...... before we were married
>> I
>> was a hooker for eight years..'
>>
>> The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
>> says, 'my love, you have been a perfect wife for 10 years! and I cannot
>> hold
>> your past against you..
>> Maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade so as to spice up our
>> sex
>> life a bit..?'
>>
>> She said, 'Darling I don't think you understood me correctly, my name was
>> Brian and I played rugby for Wales .........'

[fred]

I'm not saying my wife is fat, but we had to ask special permission to make her passport photo landscape.

[fred]

A Centurion walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"You mean a Martini?" says the bartender.

The Centurion replies: "If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for one!"

[fred]

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

"Why do you want to do that?" I said.

"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.

[fred]

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be a lot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

[fred]

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

[fred]

Ejaculate: The ejection of semen.

Or...

A yorkshire person telling Jack he's not on time.

[fred]

Adele's .... cheek brushed against my face earlier while she played a concert in London.

Which was strange because I was in Wigan at the time.

[fred]

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight @rse with no hair ?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have, He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling ?"

[fred]

An old one..

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British intelligence officers have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

[SimonH]

Ejaculate: The ejection of semen.

Or...

A yorkshire person telling Jack he's not on time.




:icon_lol:

[fred]

My wife went camping when she was on her period and, unfortunately, attracted a bear.

She ripped the poor things head off.

[fred]

The police are getting really close to identifying the masked rapist who's been terrorising women in my town for the last six months.

They're next door at the moment.

[fred]

:icon_lol:

Hey Simon... I didnt know you were a visitor of the Joke thread!!
:icon_lol:

[fred]

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

[fred]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It keeps wakes me up"

[fred]

"Your driving is f*****g awful," I said to my wife this morning.

"It would help if you told me where I should be going!" she yelled, "Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???"

"Do a left," I replied calmly, "Then do a right between the swings & the slide."

[fred]

Frozen Windows on a Cold Winter Morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen,
won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed-up now."

[fred]

Whenever you argue with your missus, never go to bed angry.

Stay up and keep arguing with the bitch.

[fred]

You know why my missus has orgasms?
So even when she's enjoying herself she still moans.
Moan,moan moan!!

[fred]

A man from Specsavers knocked on my door this morning and said,"50% off today sir.Would you like an eye check?"

"My eyes are just fine,thank you very much." I said with pride.

He then looked over at my wife and said,"Are you sure about that sir?"

[fred]

If sperm is supposed to have all these anti-wrinkle properties how come my scrotum is so wrinkled I could grate cheese on it?

[fred]

Fingered my wife like a B@stard last night.

Phoned the police, told them she'd been shoplifting.

[fred]

That Rick Astley is a right ignorant ****, he never says goodbye.

[fred]

Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos watched.

The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

[fred]

Ohhhh!!! Were havin a laugh tonight!!:icon_lol:

[aprilmaejon]

I Thought English jokes are dry but you know what?....much to my surprise, I'm giggling now!:laugher:

[fred]

I Thought English jokes are dry but you know what?....much to my surprise, I'm giggling now!:laugher:

At least I have done something right tonight then!!
Glad you have developed a sense of British humour April!!:icon_lol:

[fred]

Subway now refuse to serve ham or pork! Typical of business corporations today, they only care about prophets.

[fred]

I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said.

'I'm just doing my job' she protested.

'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you fat cow' I replied.

[fred]

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot

To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her .... instead

She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock

When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork

"What do you think?" the wife says

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies

[fred]

My Chinese Mum bought me some sweets.

"Oh Mum, these are Haribo," I said.

"Well, if you don't like them, don't eat them," she replied.

[fred]

Dildos are for pussies

[fred]

I had a large collection of Dusty Springfield books but I decided to get rid of all of them. Now, I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

[fred]

4 year old joke.

My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches.

She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a f*cking roundabout.

[fred]

My wife and I had a huge row last night, she called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible."

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery.

[fred]

A gorgeous blond enters the train car where an old man is already sitting alone. For his surprise he notices that she isn't using underwear. When she sees the old man staring at her vagina, she says:
- Do you wanna see my vagina winking?
- Ok...

And then she winks it, and says that she can do better:
- Do you wanna see it giving you a little kiss?
- Yes, yes by all means...

And the man is astonished by that feat of vaginal flexibility. The Blond getting all excited and warmed up by that exercise asks the old man:
- DO you wanna to put two fingers in it?



He replies:
- For God's sake don't tell me that your vagina can whistle too!

[fred]

I think it's a tragedy that women did not serve in the front line of the armed forces a 100 years ago.

Can you imagine how clean the trenches would have been?

[fred]

I'll never forget what my Dad said to me when I first left home.

"If at first you don't succeed, don't even f*cking think about moving back in here."

[fred]

For a cheap laugh at your wife's expense... try slipping a party popper into her tampon box.

[fred]

I had sex with my mum's sister the other day.

Just thought I'd up the Aunty.

[fred]

https://scontent-b-hkg.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/1426250_2173783862676853_953334587963274675_n.png

[fred]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10176192_2173773189344587_2330304409871677437_n.png

[fred]

https://scontent-a-hkg.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/t1.0-9/10153064_2173748392680400_1967072873942363981_n.jpg

[fred]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10149832_2173633656025207_595328681049369061_n.jpg

[fred]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/t1.0-9/10155187_2172584842796755_816235965_n.jpg

[fred]

Would ya??

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10153109_2172541866134386_1306350972_n.jpg

[fred]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfa1/t1.0-9/993091_2172491042806135_534902940_n.jpg

[fred]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/1794535_2172232886165284_1812660823_n.jpg

[fred]

I had sex with my mum's sister the other day.

Just thought I'd up the Aunty.

[fred]

I met my Thai girlfriend for sex at her place.

She said, "You have condom?"

"Yes," I replied, "But this time, can I wear it?"

[fred]

"You only love me for my legs" she said.

"No...but they go a long way towards it!"He said.

[fred]

http://i61.tinypic.com/im6pt1.jpg

[fred]

http://i58.tinypic.com/vd1wec.jpg

[fred]

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.


"I want to live forever," I said.


"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."


"Fine," I said, "then I want to die when England win the World Cup."


"You crafty b…..!" said the fairy.

[raynaputi]

http://i61.tinypic.com/im6pt1.jpg


I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.


"I want to live forever," I said.


"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."


"Fine," I said, "then I want to die when England win the World Cup."


"You crafty b…..!" said the fairy.

:laugher::laugher:

:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

http://i62.tinypic.com/1686d4w.jpg

[fred]

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

[fred]

Three nuns cycling along a cobbled path one says to the others,,I've never come this way before.

[fred]

Sylvester Stallone has converted to Islam.. He is now known as Ramadambo

[fred]

My wife carries a can of pepper spray in case she gets attacked by a rapist.

Which is a bit like me carrying a flag in case England win the world cup.

[fred]

https://38.media.tumblr.com/f0df89d64e22379e16f3153c2f2fc9dc/tumblr_n7qjyuWusg1rgpixwo1_500.jpg

[fred]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/93288c98700d103ad07b026b74dc5631/tumblr_n7uul4YVpI1rgpixwo1_500.jpg

[fred]

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate

I was so shocked I almost tripped over mi willy........

[fred]

I was having sex with a bird last night when she said, "Do you think I'm tight?"

"Yes." I panted, "You're the tightest I've ever had."

"You really think so?" She gushed.

"Yes." I replied, "None of the other women I've been with wore Primark knickers."

[fred]

My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."

I said, "They're quite nice, you fat bitch.

[grahamw48]

Hahaha !

Thanks Fred. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[raynaputi]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/93288c98700d103ad07b026b74dc5631/tumblr_n7uul4YVpI1rgpixwo1_500.jpg

:icon_lol::xxgrinning--00xx3:

Rooney was already getting bald as a kid?! :omg:

[fred]

http://i648.photobucket.com/albums/uu205/lime2009/image001_zpse230cd30.jpg

[fred]

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:


USER: “cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.


USER: “boiled cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.


USER: “1 boiled cabbage”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.


USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.


USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.


USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.


USER: “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”


WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[fred]

I'm thinking of sending my wife out to Malaysia to help find missing flight MH370.

She has an extraordinary ability to bring stuff up that every other **** forgot about months ago.

[fred]

https://33.media.tumblr.com/f8cf19ac5a01b23b8c7c94f9b18c151f/tumblr_n8lmkdhbf51sixm0mo1_400.gif

[grahamw48]

Little Johnny asked his grandad if he (his grandad) could sound like a frog? His grandad snapped back with "yeah , sure young johnny of course I can but why do you want me to sound like a frog ?". To which Johnny replies... "because my Mum reckons when you croak she'll take us all off to disneyland" .

[fred]

My wife was reading the paper and said, "Tut tut, that's terrible. Another woman in India has been gang-raped and hung."

I replied, "Actually it's 'hanged'. In India, women are hanged. In Thailand, women are hung."

[fred]

https://38.media.tumblr.com/2b98354a34e33271529999b92559c445/tumblr_n8wh21ZcXx1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

http://i1147.photobucket.com/albums/o549/freddie_1/84212375.gif

[fred]

My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts.

Turns out it was just her knees.

[fred]

what did the slug say to the snail?



"Big Issue mate?"

[fred]

https://38.media.tumblr.com/ae21e0ffeb60d20cfc699c1196843cfd/tumblr_n9kk85Jptv1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

During a fundraising dinner speech last night, Tony Blair is said to have commented that there is a 'shortage of common sense' right now in the UK ...

at which point the people who paid £5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.

[fred]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/372ce16c1ddc788a00f1407f50e0e80d/tumblr_n9mt7nzlCN1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/1a18f0ca102258d46a62808ab5becb09/tumblr_n9mt71FmmV1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

I was in the pub with my girlfriend last night when she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, babe," I replied, stroking her hair. "What is it?"

She said, "Why are you with me?"

I said, "Because I love you."

She said, "I know, but this is the ladies toilets and I'm trying to have a s**t."

[fred]

Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese.

Called a builder, he was also Chinese.

Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well !

Bloody Yellow Pages

[fred]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day
after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..
Why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about
a half a million Euros?.

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"

[grahamw48]

:laugher::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[les_taxi]

Some good ones there Fred :icon_lol::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

Cuddly toy road rage video.. Dont miss this one!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wnsdc7cTPuU

[Michael Parnham]

You've just got to laugh Fred!:laugher::laugher::laugher::xxgrinning--00xx3:

[grahamw48]

Hahahahaha ! :laugher:

[Terpe]

:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:
Well that was a surprise for sure.

[les_taxi]

Brill

[fred]

The wife came back from the doctors on friday and said " The doctor thinks I have acute angina" and I replied " well! your tit's are not bad either"

[fred]

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

[fred]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

[fred]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/d6b17bb4b766b7e10bf2185c39d1b341/tumblr_n9kk6eoc3r1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese.

Called a builder, he was also Chinese.

Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well !

Bloody Yellow Pages

[fred]

My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....
I think he meant well.

[fred]

How cold was it this morning? I had to use my B&Q discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen!
Didn't work very well though,
only got 10% off.

[fred]

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a tight @rse with no hair ?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have, He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling ?"

[Arthur Little]

Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese.

Called a builder, he was also Chinese.

Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well !

Bloody Yellow Pages

:icon_lol: ... at least they weren't 'Stanis, Fred ... or you'd have been really "browned~off"!

[les_taxi]

I tried to eat the clock the other day....it was really time consuming!

Mamma Mia...classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his mum he is home?

[fred]

I tried to eat the clock the other day....it was really time consuming!

I`m surprised you have the time.

[les_taxi]

I had time on my hands

[fred]

Clock puns, tick me off...
Drive me Cuckoo..:cwm3:

[Arthur Little]

Clock puns, tick me off...
Drive me Cuckoo..:cwm3:

Hmm ... I'd watch :cwm25: that if I were you!

[les_taxi]

Oh no, not the puns :bigcry:

[Arthur Little]

Oh no, not the puns :bigcry:

Ok ... :anerikke: ... I'll "clock~off" from continuing with the puns.

[les_taxi]

You just can't help yourself can you Arthur :smile:

[ajisgod2012]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs!

[fred]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs!

:biggrin:

[cheekee]

I called the local Chinese to order a takeaway.

A man answered

"Hi. I'm Wang king the cook"

"it's ok" I said "I'll call back later"

[cheekee]

FOR SALE - Complete set of Encyclopaedias, 45 volumes. Excellent condition! £100 O.N.O. No longer needed, got married... Wife knows everything.

[cheekee]

Paddy lost his ear on a building site. His friend Murphy shouts out, "is this it?" Paddy looked and said "NO, mine had a pencil behind it!"

[Michael Parnham]

Paddy lost his ear on a building site. His friend Murphy shouts out, "is this it?" Paddy looked and said "NO, mine had a pencil behind it!"

Nice one's Cheekee!:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

Paddy lost his ear on a building site. His friend Murphy shouts out, "is this it?" Paddy looked and said "NO, mine had a pencil behind it!"

Yeah nice one Cheekee!!
I told my mates that one when I was 12 down at the youth club!!
I`ll try and think of some more really old ones..
Hmmmm...Hang on..I`ll be back.

[fred]

Here we go..

Four turtles were celebrating their 40th birthdays together, when they ran out of ice cream. They decided the oldest one, Fred, should go to the store and get more.
The rest of them waited for Fred to come back, but after a couple of days they started getting frustrated. The youngest one said, "Poor Fred. Ever since he turned 40 he’s really getting slow."
A voice from behind the door said, "If you’re gonna start saying bad things about me behind my back, l’m not even going."

[fred]

What do you do if you find an epileptic in the bath?
Throw in your washing.

What do you call an epileptic under a pile of leaves? Russell.

What do you call a man with a spade in his mouth? Doug.

What do you call a man with no spade in his mouth? Douglas.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

[fred]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? 'Cause he was dead.

[fred]

Bloke walks into a pub, sits at the bar. The bloke next to him has a dog sat next to his stool. First bloke says " does your dog bite " He replies no. The man puts his hand down to stroke the dog, and it bites him. " I thought you said your dog doesnt bite " he said. Man replies......................................" It's not my dog. "

[SimonH]

Any one else getting infested with exploding insects, blinking Jihadi Longlegs :wink:

[fred]

a man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head and the bartender says '' why have you got a fried egg on your head mate?'' and the man says '' .........because a boiled one would have rolled off'' :icon_lol:

[fred]

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.


Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

[fred]

My 96 year old grandmother died after completing the London Marathon.

It was a sad day. But at least she had a good run.

[SimonH]

I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.


Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?







Mates girlfriend had a similar dilemma, he told her to rub toilet paper between her breasts every morning, "does that work?" she asks, did with your :action-smiley-081: he replied.

[fred]

http://i62.tinypic.com/anndhj.jpg

[SimonH]

http://i62.tinypic.com/anndhj.jpg


:laugher::laugher::laugher::laugher:

[fred]

Statistically, you are more likely to be bitten by Luis Suarez than a shark


http://i59.tinypic.com/14nmqoi.jpg

[fred]

My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right.

So I packed her bags and left.

[fred]

https://38.media.tumblr.com/218e9206e401cb675f1145557054e2d2/tumblr_n8anb4CC6t1sixm0mo1_400.gif

[fred]

https://31.media.tumblr.com/f0c980d9374173d3fee337bedd048bf7/tumblr_n8e7aqakWe1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

If I make you breakfast in bed all I need is a simple 'thank you' not all this
'how the hell did you get in my house' nonsense!

[fred]

I've invented a new biscuit and I'm gonna make a packet.

[fred]

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

[fred]

Ate 4 cans of alphabetti spaghetti, had a terrible vowel movement.

[fred]

FOR SALE:

Faulty Swingball £10

No strings attached.

[fred]

Paddy wanted to sell his car . Mick told him to rewind the mileage to get a better price . A few days later Mick asked Paddy how he got on . Paddy said that after he had rewound it to 7,000 miles , he decided to keep it .

[Michael Parnham]

:laugher:
Paddy wanted to sell his car . Mick told him to rewind the mileage to get a better price . A few days later Mick asked Paddy how he got on . Paddy said that after he had rewound it to 7,000 miles, he decided to keep it.

:laugher::laugher::laugher:

[Terpe]

You're on form today Fred :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Some great stuff there.

[fred]

Just picked up my takeaway from the the local Indian.

When I collected it, he poured the curry straight into a carrier bag, tied a knot in it and said ,"There you go"

"What's that" I said

"Did you not know" he replied, "We can't put Indians in containers anymore"

[fred]

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm f*cking not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f*cking drunk."

[fred]

I have CDO.

It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

[fred]

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson. My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.

My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros and now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:
Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, David Cameron, John Prescott,

Ed Balls, Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband.
(In no particular order)
Amen

[fred]

If it wasn't for the war we'd all be speaking German, I pondered as I loaded my Lidl shopping bags into my Audi.

[fred]

A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong.
I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here:-

Kids, never share your hash with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.

[fred]

I saw Jonathan Ross in a department store last week.
He was acting suspiciously, looking at the kitchen utensils so I walked up to him and said, "You'll probably get caught if you steal anything."
He replied, "Well, that's the whisk I'm willing to take."

[Terpe]

All tickled me loads :icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:

Laughter always the best medicine :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the ******* jar open!"

[fred]

Sixty-Three Pakistanis have been reported killed or seriously injured in Bradford this morning after a bunk bed collapsed.
Police believe it was not a terrorist attack, but the work of Al-Ikea

[fred]

http://i.imgur.com/jEqtKXO.png

[fred]

BC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines

Seems a bit sexist to me.

[fred]

http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/2409/jesuseggs.jpg

[fred]

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts: "Ey up Cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow ....., an it could kill thee".

The bloke says: "Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer, and slower please"

The farmer replies: "If.... You.... Use.... Two.... Hands.... You....Won't... Spill....any"

[fred]

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…!

That's when I thought “ wait a F@@ing minute!…”

[fred]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and
forth...back and forth...in and out....in and out

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and
trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,softly
at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out
an almighty scream and shouted..........

"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the car!

You do it, you SMUG .......!"

[fred]

My daughter had some friends over for a sleepover at the weekend.

I heard one of the girls say to her your dads a dirty old man and a disgusting pervert.



Well!!...:cwm23:

I nearly fell out of the wardrobe.

[ajisgod2012]

I went to see the film Interstellar last night.

It's nothing to do with a man that likes lager!

[fred]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10378204_10203828261165555_8791916188710582602_n.jpg?oh=70fc2dfd245c38881d9554992bd2187c&oe=551417C1&__gda__=1426422718_9c69301844c6dd090364755b4573d5bc

[fred]

I've managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel.

It's pretty straight forward really.

[fred]

http://i.imgur.com/zadWvQ6.gif

[fred]

Isis are using insect suicide bombers now, Jihadi longlegs

[fred]

Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that the water keeps running out.

The manager asks, "did you buy a plug?"

Paddy says, "you swine! You never said it was electric!"

[fred]

https://33.media.tumblr.com/1589860e3325f4ed89ad0c0c2ec5e502/tumblr_nda56aIbjR1sixm0mo1_500.jpg

[fred]

"I'm having a few drinks to remember my mate who died yesterday," I told the barman. "He wanted to reduce his carbon footprint, so he decided he was going to cycle to work."

"What happened?" He asked. "Did he get knocked off his bike?"

"No. He drowned." I explained. "He worked on an offshore oil rig."

[fred]

My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch today.

I said, "Chin up, love."

She said, "Aw, thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."

I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."

[fred]

My mate has just started works at a dentist's. He says that everything is new and strange but he reckons in a few days he'll know what the drill is.

[fred]

Finally got my knee fixed as you can see in the x-ray


http://i646.photobucket.com/albums/uu182/artov/Fun/Knee_scan_zps3e928107.jpg

[fred]

http://lowres.jantoo.com/politics-terrorism-bombers-suicidal-suicide_bombers-terrorist-23632163_low.jpg

[fred]

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

[fred]

http://i646.photobucket.com/albums/uu182/artov/Fun/kfc_zps81d38133.jpg

[fred]

https://33.media.tumblr.com/52bfa2f7bc213d35b1c4b50b64f93d5e/tumblr_nfueejaxPg1sixm0mo1_400.gif

[fred]

https://33.media.tumblr.com/5c3210792c7e09c380eedbf273de0cf1/tumblr_nfuefuKca51sixm0mo1_400.gif

[cheekee]

My doctor is a very attractive lady doctor. She checked my testicles the other month which was so pleasant I thought I'd ask her to check them again for me, but she just told me pull my trousers up and said I shouldn't bother her while she's shopping in Sainsburys.

[Michael Parnham]

An American in Philippines picked up a hooker and took her back to his Hotel and very soon they got busy, the girl told American that he was very large and asked why do you have a tattoo with the word 'Little'? and the American replied, wait till I get an erection it says 'Little Rock Arkansas United States of America'! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[fred]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DT4ikdAS-P0

[grahamw48]

Hahaha...some gudduns there. :icon_lol:


This made me laugh....:biggrin:

.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCIlL50OOXk&list=RDLCIlL50OOXk