Jentobeharrison
12th April 2014, 04:14
How's your state of mind? Any good? If so, I am happy for you... and jealous at the same time.. How do you keep yourself on track? Do you have any secrets? How do you live your life?
Those are the questions in which I will really take note of your answers...
I was raised as a tough woman, no one has a perfect family and yes, count me in. Growing up from a broken family has never been a big deal for me, I mean, it was fine for me seeing my father and mother not living under the same roof, knowing my father being with someone else was not a problem for me. My brothers and I were raised as kids who you wouldn't know that our parents were separated, we grew up without vices and no one had been rebel. We grew up without being deprived, all of us three experienced studying in private schools, celebrating birthdays every year and we were the kids who can have the toys we wanted before. Our family was a relaxed and happy one I must say, I just graduated from 6th grade and my brothers from their senior high when my father stopped supporting us financially, my mother just transferred that time to a publich high school to teach so her income wasn't enough for our studies so we did not have any choice, I enrolled to a publich high school and my brothers didn't finish their college and they worked as fast food crews as early as 16 years old (which is too young for filipino people to work) as the time goes by, I started experiencing what i havent experienced when I was a kid, it was hard to adjust, but I met wonderful friends who helped me to enjoy life. My mother sold our house and lot so I can still study and have bachelor degree, Uni days started, I met the best friends of all time, I chose Psychology path because I excel in that subject, Ive had high grades and memorable uni life but it stopped, as my mothers' funds weren't enought to support me, it was the moment when I realised the definition of frustration. My batchmates and bestfriends graduated and I did not attend the ceremony, I was really happy for them but it was one of the most painful moments for me.
I started working at the age of 18, call centre industry, I know some people here have ideas the nature of the people working as call centre agents, I became tough and really strong, my life has been good, I am getting higher pay compare to my friends who graduated from Uni. I was still with them until now, since I have funds , I became an out going person, who loves life and enjoys it every single of time. People know me being the joker, talkative, jolly, loves socialising and a woman who laughs out loud I must say, I have a stable and good state of mind, I am mentally healthy, my life has been pretty normal.
And then I met my fiance who made my life complete, made my life happier than I could never imagine, I have already shared to you how we met and how's our relationship going, it was happy yeah. My fiance and I were both came from a broken family, but since we have different cultures, it was hard for him to cope with it, he dealt with it in opposite ways from how I've managed my life before, I must say, it really affected him. He's been living alone for years, dependent, tough, bachelor guy who you wouldnt imagine how hes been going through every day, seeing his pictures made me think that this person is a tough one, who wouldn't need anyone to live because he was once a happy go lucky guy who enjoys loud music, beers, football, hot women and a good car but for the 14 months of being together,I've got to know him so well. He's really a soft-heartened man who needs a company, a comfort, love, care and belongingness which Ive never been greedied to let him feel those in my arms.He was a negative thinker, grumpy, moody, and who doesn't have hope to live every day, in my part, I extended my hands for him, whenever he's down, whenever he's moody, I assure him that I will be for him no matter what, I also did not use those to attack him personally, I became his absorber, positive or negative, we found comfort from each other.
Months passed by,our world become smaller, smaller which is only available for two people, me and him. We can be happy every day just by talking to each other, we became dettached from our friends and even from our families, we both stop going out as we realised that it is not making us happy anymore, we found happiness from each other, just from each other. My life started to change when he went back here last november, he saw me physically bigger than before, he wasn't attracted to me anymore as he said. I am still thankful to him giving me another chance to become healthy, to love my life, I am glad that even if he wasn't attracted to me, he still loves and will wait for me. I thought he was just saying it because he was here, and was thinking to leave or abanndon me once he arrives in England but no, he stayed and become supportive. Months, I lost lots of weight, our relationship was at its best, happy days, yey.
I started doing our visa and both of us became pre-occupied and disorganised, difficult days came. My boyfriend's mother and sister are christians which he thought that it will be too much if he will also join believing Jesus. I am a roman catholic, before I met my boyfriend I can say that the catholisism in me has started to get vanish, there were prayers which weren't answered, and I was also surrounded by some people who find some religious people hypocrites, and then I stopped attending mass. I met my boyfriend who's an aetheist;another thing that contributed to have lack of interest in religious aspect, I really forgot God, I lived without God for a year and months. Doing my visa put me to the highest worst of emotions that a person can feel, Ive lots of breakdowns, I was always down, I dettached myself from the people. My manager from work talked to me and she really saw the big change in my personality and attitude, I can really let the day pass at work without talking to anyone, without socialising to any of my friends at work and outside work. I became a bad person, full of insecurity, moody and I have been treating my mom really bad, I always shout at her. My fiance's friend has a beatiful Thai girlfriend who is he marrying today, and he had been seeing sexy asians (girlfriend of his acquaiantances) and it started to make me feel so insecure to anyone, I became worse by always saying bad things about them, I am still thinking that I am the best asian he could ever have, that I am the most beautiful among them. I have been aware of my attitude and even ask friends to help me to find professional help due to sudden change in me, but I waited until my application has submitted. I finally submitted my documents, but it didn't change me, there's something I need to still sort, I had breakdown again. One day I thought I do not need counselors, because I know I have a good state of mind, because I know I am mentally healthy but if I won't seek help, I might become insane but I was still in denial about the state of my mind, I attended a mass instead.
It was my first time to attend a mass after years, I cried so hard asking for his forgiveness, asking him to forgive me becoming a bad person, I asked him to take away all the hatred, jealousy, insecurity and bad things i possess. I was right, I just needed to become a god fearing again so I would know my limitations and not go beyond it, I am asking sorry to the people who Ive thought of bad things, not just by my words and actions but by the way I think.
Now I am relaxed and can control my emotions and actions, I am in the process of getting better. My brother's canadian visa got approved yesterday, now there are lots of things to be thankful for.
Going back,
Ive given the 90 percent of my life doing our visa, because it will be all or nothing, I minimise my work out, did not enrol to my boxing class, had few hours of sleep, and really stressed so I gained weight.. Three days ago were like heavy days for me and my boyfriend, he's been noticing from the pictures I posted on facebook that I gained weight, He joked me saying "dont be too big, I will cry forever" and then last night he messaged me saying "we need to talk". It was his first time to tell it to me, and it made me very anxious but he chose not to tell it to me and said he loves me no matter what but I did not stop asking him to say it to me and then again, I asked him, he became honest to me.
Me: Are you breaking up with me?
Him: No
Me: Are you gonna leave me?
Him: Never
Me: Am I big again for your eyes?
Him: Yes
Me: So you are not attracted to me again?
Him: Yeah...
I took a deep breath and just thought that I have been to its worse last november and I know I can make it, I should not feel the pain again... I did not feel the pain I had before but my insecurity has been eating me again.. Today, I saw his friend marrying his Thai woman, I started to think negatively again, thinking that his friends' asian women are really above average and I am not, thinking that he will be ashamed of himself and me being the ugliest and fattest asian woman they could see, thinking that they will laugh at him because before he had hot women, and even if his friends are not gorgeous men as him, they were able to have hot asian girlfriends, whilst him, he has the worst one. Another thing was, we have just talked that we have no choice but to end our relationship when the visa will be declined, and I think, he would not be interested in re-applying again because I won't be his lost anymore as I am fugly for his eyes again...
Now I admit, I have a very poor mental health, too much absorbing of his issues, it all transferred to me... I am broken, I am getting married, but that's not what I am seeing, I should be happy, but I am full of worries, happenings above are making me feel that this is not about marriage anymore, this is just about the visa result and I am hurt because it is not what i am dreaming of, I want to get married. I am very jealous with some couple here who are fully committed, who will really get married whatever happens, but my situation is the reciprocal of it. I cannot say that "I am getting married", because the truth is "I am getting married IF the visa will be approved". I hate it, I hope my boyfriend has the courage to commit and marry me whatever happens, but he chose the other way around..... It's painful
I miss having a healthy state of mind, I miss living without insecurities, I miss living a happy life..
http://i826.photobucket.com/albums/zz184/Jen_Antalan/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zps8dbda66c.jpg (http://s826.photobucket.com/user/Jen_Antalan/media/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zps8dbda66c.jpg.html)
:cwm25:
Those are the questions in which I will really take note of your answers...
I was raised as a tough woman, no one has a perfect family and yes, count me in. Growing up from a broken family has never been a big deal for me, I mean, it was fine for me seeing my father and mother not living under the same roof, knowing my father being with someone else was not a problem for me. My brothers and I were raised as kids who you wouldn't know that our parents were separated, we grew up without vices and no one had been rebel. We grew up without being deprived, all of us three experienced studying in private schools, celebrating birthdays every year and we were the kids who can have the toys we wanted before. Our family was a relaxed and happy one I must say, I just graduated from 6th grade and my brothers from their senior high when my father stopped supporting us financially, my mother just transferred that time to a publich high school to teach so her income wasn't enough for our studies so we did not have any choice, I enrolled to a publich high school and my brothers didn't finish their college and they worked as fast food crews as early as 16 years old (which is too young for filipino people to work) as the time goes by, I started experiencing what i havent experienced when I was a kid, it was hard to adjust, but I met wonderful friends who helped me to enjoy life. My mother sold our house and lot so I can still study and have bachelor degree, Uni days started, I met the best friends of all time, I chose Psychology path because I excel in that subject, Ive had high grades and memorable uni life but it stopped, as my mothers' funds weren't enought to support me, it was the moment when I realised the definition of frustration. My batchmates and bestfriends graduated and I did not attend the ceremony, I was really happy for them but it was one of the most painful moments for me.
I started working at the age of 18, call centre industry, I know some people here have ideas the nature of the people working as call centre agents, I became tough and really strong, my life has been good, I am getting higher pay compare to my friends who graduated from Uni. I was still with them until now, since I have funds , I became an out going person, who loves life and enjoys it every single of time. People know me being the joker, talkative, jolly, loves socialising and a woman who laughs out loud I must say, I have a stable and good state of mind, I am mentally healthy, my life has been pretty normal.
And then I met my fiance who made my life complete, made my life happier than I could never imagine, I have already shared to you how we met and how's our relationship going, it was happy yeah. My fiance and I were both came from a broken family, but since we have different cultures, it was hard for him to cope with it, he dealt with it in opposite ways from how I've managed my life before, I must say, it really affected him. He's been living alone for years, dependent, tough, bachelor guy who you wouldnt imagine how hes been going through every day, seeing his pictures made me think that this person is a tough one, who wouldn't need anyone to live because he was once a happy go lucky guy who enjoys loud music, beers, football, hot women and a good car but for the 14 months of being together,I've got to know him so well. He's really a soft-heartened man who needs a company, a comfort, love, care and belongingness which Ive never been greedied to let him feel those in my arms.He was a negative thinker, grumpy, moody, and who doesn't have hope to live every day, in my part, I extended my hands for him, whenever he's down, whenever he's moody, I assure him that I will be for him no matter what, I also did not use those to attack him personally, I became his absorber, positive or negative, we found comfort from each other.
Months passed by,our world become smaller, smaller which is only available for two people, me and him. We can be happy every day just by talking to each other, we became dettached from our friends and even from our families, we both stop going out as we realised that it is not making us happy anymore, we found happiness from each other, just from each other. My life started to change when he went back here last november, he saw me physically bigger than before, he wasn't attracted to me anymore as he said. I am still thankful to him giving me another chance to become healthy, to love my life, I am glad that even if he wasn't attracted to me, he still loves and will wait for me. I thought he was just saying it because he was here, and was thinking to leave or abanndon me once he arrives in England but no, he stayed and become supportive. Months, I lost lots of weight, our relationship was at its best, happy days, yey.
I started doing our visa and both of us became pre-occupied and disorganised, difficult days came. My boyfriend's mother and sister are christians which he thought that it will be too much if he will also join believing Jesus. I am a roman catholic, before I met my boyfriend I can say that the catholisism in me has started to get vanish, there were prayers which weren't answered, and I was also surrounded by some people who find some religious people hypocrites, and then I stopped attending mass. I met my boyfriend who's an aetheist;another thing that contributed to have lack of interest in religious aspect, I really forgot God, I lived without God for a year and months. Doing my visa put me to the highest worst of emotions that a person can feel, Ive lots of breakdowns, I was always down, I dettached myself from the people. My manager from work talked to me and she really saw the big change in my personality and attitude, I can really let the day pass at work without talking to anyone, without socialising to any of my friends at work and outside work. I became a bad person, full of insecurity, moody and I have been treating my mom really bad, I always shout at her. My fiance's friend has a beatiful Thai girlfriend who is he marrying today, and he had been seeing sexy asians (girlfriend of his acquaiantances) and it started to make me feel so insecure to anyone, I became worse by always saying bad things about them, I am still thinking that I am the best asian he could ever have, that I am the most beautiful among them. I have been aware of my attitude and even ask friends to help me to find professional help due to sudden change in me, but I waited until my application has submitted. I finally submitted my documents, but it didn't change me, there's something I need to still sort, I had breakdown again. One day I thought I do not need counselors, because I know I have a good state of mind, because I know I am mentally healthy but if I won't seek help, I might become insane but I was still in denial about the state of my mind, I attended a mass instead.
It was my first time to attend a mass after years, I cried so hard asking for his forgiveness, asking him to forgive me becoming a bad person, I asked him to take away all the hatred, jealousy, insecurity and bad things i possess. I was right, I just needed to become a god fearing again so I would know my limitations and not go beyond it, I am asking sorry to the people who Ive thought of bad things, not just by my words and actions but by the way I think.
Now I am relaxed and can control my emotions and actions, I am in the process of getting better. My brother's canadian visa got approved yesterday, now there are lots of things to be thankful for.
Going back,
Ive given the 90 percent of my life doing our visa, because it will be all or nothing, I minimise my work out, did not enrol to my boxing class, had few hours of sleep, and really stressed so I gained weight.. Three days ago were like heavy days for me and my boyfriend, he's been noticing from the pictures I posted on facebook that I gained weight, He joked me saying "dont be too big, I will cry forever" and then last night he messaged me saying "we need to talk". It was his first time to tell it to me, and it made me very anxious but he chose not to tell it to me and said he loves me no matter what but I did not stop asking him to say it to me and then again, I asked him, he became honest to me.
Me: Are you breaking up with me?
Him: No
Me: Are you gonna leave me?
Him: Never
Me: Am I big again for your eyes?
Him: Yes
Me: So you are not attracted to me again?
Him: Yeah...
I took a deep breath and just thought that I have been to its worse last november and I know I can make it, I should not feel the pain again... I did not feel the pain I had before but my insecurity has been eating me again.. Today, I saw his friend marrying his Thai woman, I started to think negatively again, thinking that his friends' asian women are really above average and I am not, thinking that he will be ashamed of himself and me being the ugliest and fattest asian woman they could see, thinking that they will laugh at him because before he had hot women, and even if his friends are not gorgeous men as him, they were able to have hot asian girlfriends, whilst him, he has the worst one. Another thing was, we have just talked that we have no choice but to end our relationship when the visa will be declined, and I think, he would not be interested in re-applying again because I won't be his lost anymore as I am fugly for his eyes again...
Now I admit, I have a very poor mental health, too much absorbing of his issues, it all transferred to me... I am broken, I am getting married, but that's not what I am seeing, I should be happy, but I am full of worries, happenings above are making me feel that this is not about marriage anymore, this is just about the visa result and I am hurt because it is not what i am dreaming of, I want to get married. I am very jealous with some couple here who are fully committed, who will really get married whatever happens, but my situation is the reciprocal of it. I cannot say that "I am getting married", because the truth is "I am getting married IF the visa will be approved". I hate it, I hope my boyfriend has the courage to commit and marry me whatever happens, but he chose the other way around..... It's painful
I miss having a healthy state of mind, I miss living without insecurities, I miss living a happy life..
http://i826.photobucket.com/albums/zz184/Jen_Antalan/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zps8dbda66c.jpg (http://s826.photobucket.com/user/Jen_Antalan/media/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zps8dbda66c.jpg.html)
:cwm25: