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View Full Version : State of Mind--How my Visa application Journey, Relationship, Belief and Weight changed it all.



Jentobeharrison
12th April 2014, 04:14
How's your state of mind? Any good? If so, I am happy for you... and jealous at the same time.. How do you keep yourself on track? Do you have any secrets? How do you live your life?

Those are the questions in which I will really take note of your answers...

I was raised as a tough woman, no one has a perfect family and yes, count me in. Growing up from a broken family has never been a big deal for me, I mean, it was fine for me seeing my father and mother not living under the same roof, knowing my father being with someone else was not a problem for me. My brothers and I were raised as kids who you wouldn't know that our parents were separated, we grew up without vices and no one had been rebel. We grew up without being deprived, all of us three experienced studying in private schools, celebrating birthdays every year and we were the kids who can have the toys we wanted before. Our family was a relaxed and happy one I must say, I just graduated from 6th grade and my brothers from their senior high when my father stopped supporting us financially, my mother just transferred that time to a publich high school to teach so her income wasn't enough for our studies so we did not have any choice, I enrolled to a publich high school and my brothers didn't finish their college and they worked as fast food crews as early as 16 years old (which is too young for filipino people to work) as the time goes by, I started experiencing what i havent experienced when I was a kid, it was hard to adjust, but I met wonderful friends who helped me to enjoy life. My mother sold our house and lot so I can still study and have bachelor degree, Uni days started, I met the best friends of all time, I chose Psychology path because I excel in that subject, Ive had high grades and memorable uni life but it stopped, as my mothers' funds weren't enought to support me, it was the moment when I realised the definition of frustration. My batchmates and bestfriends graduated and I did not attend the ceremony, I was really happy for them but it was one of the most painful moments for me.

I started working at the age of 18, call centre industry, I know some people here have ideas the nature of the people working as call centre agents, I became tough and really strong, my life has been good, I am getting higher pay compare to my friends who graduated from Uni. I was still with them until now, since I have funds , I became an out going person, who loves life and enjoys it every single of time. People know me being the joker, talkative, jolly, loves socialising and a woman who laughs out loud I must say, I have a stable and good state of mind, I am mentally healthy, my life has been pretty normal.

And then I met my fiance who made my life complete, made my life happier than I could never imagine, I have already shared to you how we met and how's our relationship going, it was happy yeah. My fiance and I were both came from a broken family, but since we have different cultures, it was hard for him to cope with it, he dealt with it in opposite ways from how I've managed my life before, I must say, it really affected him. He's been living alone for years, dependent, tough, bachelor guy who you wouldnt imagine how hes been going through every day, seeing his pictures made me think that this person is a tough one, who wouldn't need anyone to live because he was once a happy go lucky guy who enjoys loud music, beers, football, hot women and a good car but for the 14 months of being together,I've got to know him so well. He's really a soft-heartened man who needs a company, a comfort, love, care and belongingness which Ive never been greedied to let him feel those in my arms.He was a negative thinker, grumpy, moody, and who doesn't have hope to live every day, in my part, I extended my hands for him, whenever he's down, whenever he's moody, I assure him that I will be for him no matter what, I also did not use those to attack him personally, I became his absorber, positive or negative, we found comfort from each other.

Months passed by,our world become smaller, smaller which is only available for two people, me and him. We can be happy every day just by talking to each other, we became dettached from our friends and even from our families, we both stop going out as we realised that it is not making us happy anymore, we found happiness from each other, just from each other. My life started to change when he went back here last november, he saw me physically bigger than before, he wasn't attracted to me anymore as he said. I am still thankful to him giving me another chance to become healthy, to love my life, I am glad that even if he wasn't attracted to me, he still loves and will wait for me. I thought he was just saying it because he was here, and was thinking to leave or abanndon me once he arrives in England but no, he stayed and become supportive. Months, I lost lots of weight, our relationship was at its best, happy days, yey.


I started doing our visa and both of us became pre-occupied and disorganised, difficult days came. My boyfriend's mother and sister are christians which he thought that it will be too much if he will also join believing Jesus. I am a roman catholic, before I met my boyfriend I can say that the catholisism in me has started to get vanish, there were prayers which weren't answered, and I was also surrounded by some people who find some religious people hypocrites, and then I stopped attending mass. I met my boyfriend who's an aetheist;another thing that contributed to have lack of interest in religious aspect, I really forgot God, I lived without God for a year and months. Doing my visa put me to the highest worst of emotions that a person can feel, Ive lots of breakdowns, I was always down, I dettached myself from the people. My manager from work talked to me and she really saw the big change in my personality and attitude, I can really let the day pass at work without talking to anyone, without socialising to any of my friends at work and outside work. I became a bad person, full of insecurity, moody and I have been treating my mom really bad, I always shout at her. My fiance's friend has a beatiful Thai girlfriend who is he marrying today, and he had been seeing sexy asians (girlfriend of his acquaiantances) and it started to make me feel so insecure to anyone, I became worse by always saying bad things about them, I am still thinking that I am the best asian he could ever have, that I am the most beautiful among them. I have been aware of my attitude and even ask friends to help me to find professional help due to sudden change in me, but I waited until my application has submitted. I finally submitted my documents, but it didn't change me, there's something I need to still sort, I had breakdown again. One day I thought I do not need counselors, because I know I have a good state of mind, because I know I am mentally healthy but if I won't seek help, I might become insane but I was still in denial about the state of my mind, I attended a mass instead.

It was my first time to attend a mass after years, I cried so hard asking for his forgiveness, asking him to forgive me becoming a bad person, I asked him to take away all the hatred, jealousy, insecurity and bad things i possess. I was right, I just needed to become a god fearing again so I would know my limitations and not go beyond it, I am asking sorry to the people who Ive thought of bad things, not just by my words and actions but by the way I think.
Now I am relaxed and can control my emotions and actions, I am in the process of getting better. My brother's canadian visa got approved yesterday, now there are lots of things to be thankful for.

Going back,

Ive given the 90 percent of my life doing our visa, because it will be all or nothing, I minimise my work out, did not enrol to my boxing class, had few hours of sleep, and really stressed so I gained weight.. Three days ago were like heavy days for me and my boyfriend, he's been noticing from the pictures I posted on facebook that I gained weight, He joked me saying "dont be too big, I will cry forever" and then last night he messaged me saying "we need to talk". It was his first time to tell it to me, and it made me very anxious but he chose not to tell it to me and said he loves me no matter what but I did not stop asking him to say it to me and then again, I asked him, he became honest to me.

Me: Are you breaking up with me?
Him: No
Me: Are you gonna leave me?
Him: Never
Me: Am I big again for your eyes?
Him: Yes
Me: So you are not attracted to me again?
Him: Yeah...

I took a deep breath and just thought that I have been to its worse last november and I know I can make it, I should not feel the pain again... I did not feel the pain I had before but my insecurity has been eating me again.. Today, I saw his friend marrying his Thai woman, I started to think negatively again, thinking that his friends' asian women are really above average and I am not, thinking that he will be ashamed of himself and me being the ugliest and fattest asian woman they could see, thinking that they will laugh at him because before he had hot women, and even if his friends are not gorgeous men as him, they were able to have hot asian girlfriends, whilst him, he has the worst one. Another thing was, we have just talked that we have no choice but to end our relationship when the visa will be declined, and I think, he would not be interested in re-applying again because I won't be his lost anymore as I am fugly for his eyes again...

Now I admit, I have a very poor mental health, too much absorbing of his issues, it all transferred to me... I am broken, I am getting married, but that's not what I am seeing, I should be happy, but I am full of worries, happenings above are making me feel that this is not about marriage anymore, this is just about the visa result and I am hurt because it is not what i am dreaming of, I want to get married. I am very jealous with some couple here who are fully committed, who will really get married whatever happens, but my situation is the reciprocal of it. I cannot say that "I am getting married", because the truth is "I am getting married IF the visa will be approved". I hate it, I hope my boyfriend has the courage to commit and marry me whatever happens, but he chose the other way around..... It's painful

I miss having a healthy state of mind, I miss living without insecurities, I miss living a happy life..

http://i826.photobucket.com/albums/zz184/Jen_Antalan/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zps8dbda66c.jpg (http://s826.photobucket.com/user/Jen_Antalan/media/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zps8dbda66c.jpg.html)

:cwm25:

tiger31
12th April 2014, 07:02
everything will be fine whats for you will not go by you as the proverb goes .After reading all this I do hope you get your visa ,you sound a highly inteligent and mature young lady and will be just fine.

stevewool
12th April 2014, 08:07
life is full of ups and downs, but it is down to yourself to carry on in what you are wanting and believing in, good luck in all you do,

bhem_bhem
12th April 2014, 09:49
sorry to ask you this, do you think your fiance really loves you? i'm no expert of relationship but no way i would let a guy make me feel that way. what if you 2 get married and have kids then you put on weight. is he going to dump you, pressure you on going to gym everyday, or make u feel guilty of the food you eat. i know that saying this won't make your situation gets better but i really felt the urge to say it. it's your choice.

sorry for being blunt but believe me i wish you happiness.

Michael Parnham
12th April 2014, 09:57
Won't comment, I have my own thoughts on this one, good luck for the future!:Erm:

bhem_bhem
12th April 2014, 10:19
let me add: you are beautiful and your body is great. don't let anyone pull you down. be confident.:smile:

stevewool
12th April 2014, 10:26
remember it takes time to see the inner beauty of people, most people just see beauty that is on the outside, the most important person in anyones life is themselves, time to move on

tiger31
12th April 2014, 10:54
I have said it before a guy who goes on about your weight is not worth spending your life with as bhem says when you have kids what then ? oh bye bye you had kids now I don,t want you !!!! just because you put a little weight on .you are still maturing your weight will go up and down like a yo yo so don,t worry about it .AS my little philippina said to me fat or skinny i,ll love you until the day I die lol

grahamw48
12th April 2014, 11:40
Good luck. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

joebloggs
12th April 2014, 12:55
I have said it before a guy who goes on about your weight is not worth spending your life with as bhem says when you have kids what then ? oh bye bye you had kids now I don,t want you !!!! just because you put a little weight on .you are still maturing your weight will go up and down like a yo yo so don,t worry about it .AS my little philippina said to me fat or skinny i,ll love you until the day I die lol

:xxgrinning--00xx3:
maybe he's trying to put his insecurities on to you :cwm25:

raynaputi
12th April 2014, 13:09
sorry to ask you this, do you think your fiance really loves you? i'm no expert of relationship but no way i would let a guy make me feel that way. what if you 2 get married and have kids then you put on weight. is he going to dump you, pressure you on going to gym everyday, or make u feel guilty of the food you eat. i know that saying this won't make your situation gets better but i really felt the urge to say it. it's your choice.

sorry for being blunt but believe me i wish you happiness.

My exact same view. :xxgrinning--00xx3: When hubby met me, my weight was the least of his problems with me! :icon_lol:

rani
12th April 2014, 17:06
Just wondering if he needs a wife for life? Or a trophy wife? Feeling bad reading this post as i know that you are a very nice woman. Just the same, i am wishing you the best :xxgrinning--00xx3:

melovesengland
12th April 2014, 21:56
when my husband met me, he did say in thoughts that I am fat and he admitted that to me, didnt hurt me at all as it was true but was that a hindrance of us getting along with eachother, enjoying eachones company, talk to eachother 4 or more hours every night and laughed so hard that it brought tears to our eyes with our face aching? NO, it didnt and yet he found the good, fun, beauty side of me which was important.

I did say to him beforehand that if he dont want fat ladies then we better stop now before it gets too far but it was him who wants to continue what we started. I am very straight and he knows that, I dont mess around as I have learned my lesson on love before, I dont want to get hurt anymore.

We have different circumstances in life but if you ask me, I wont go to a relationship and I wont marry a man that cant be happy and accept of what and who I am. No point anyway, happiness will always be a blur, I know you are hungry of those and you utterly deserve to be happy, anyone really.

Face him, dont be scared and ask him You are You, You can never be someone, it is either he takes it or leave it. You cant live your life pretending of someone that you cant, that is exhausting love. Be you, thats all I can advise.

Best of luck and hoping things will go smoothly.

gWaPito
12th April 2014, 22:24
let me add: you are beautiful and your body is great. don't let anyone pull you down. be confident.:smile:

I'd tell the toss bag to do one :cwm23: WTF! !
You are beautiful in every way Jen. Stuff the Visa. You can get one of those any time.

grahamw48
12th April 2014, 22:43
:xxparty-smiley-004:

marksroomspain
12th April 2014, 22:54
Just want to second what Gwaps said that you are a beautiful person Jen.

I am so sorry that you are in this predicament Jen, you certainly don't deserve to be.

Please think long and hard about your own happiness if things get back on track, can you see yourself been truly happy, not in the short term but lets say in 5 years time if you decide to move forward with all of this.

Your one of nicest and most intellectual people that I have known on this forum in the short time you have been here.

You certainly deserve happiness Jen and one day whether now or in the future you will find somebody who truly appreciates and loves you for the beautiful person you are.

Take care sweetheart...:wink:

grahamw48
12th April 2014, 23:03
Poor Jen. :bigcry:

I hope she isn't too upset by the responses to her thread. :cwm25:

marksroomspain
12th April 2014, 23:19
Poor Jen. :bigcry:

I hope she isn't too upset by the responses to her thread. :cwm25:

Hopefully Graham it will show her that we care.

I hate to see people miserable especially when that person has a beautiful heart, I just hope Jen can see that people on here really care for her well being and hopefully she will see that through the responses here from people she has met in such a short time.

Also would like to reassure her that not all western guys can be hurtful in this manner and I just hope for gods sake that she finds some sort of solace and peace alongside the happiness she deserves...:smile:

gWaPito
13th April 2014, 00:01
I wouldn't of thought so Graham. Like Mark said, we care. Others put it more eloquently than myself :smile:
I was mad as hell after reading Jen's post

Dedworth
13th April 2014, 00:48
Jens boyfriend needs to man up, get a grip and act his age - if it all goes belly up (hopefully it won't) he will deservedly regret it for the rest of his life

fred
13th April 2014, 00:53
I don't usually do these types of threads but after seeing this picture I simply had to comment...
HOT..or what!!:yikes:

http://i826.photobucket.com/albums/zz184/Jen_Antalan/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zps8dbda66c.jpg

Jentobeharrison
13th April 2014, 03:03
Hi,

My blog is all about how my mind is doing these past months,how my attitude become worse, how my personality reached to unlikely desirable one and it looks like you guys know which factor gave the biggest impact on what I am suffering now. I did not write this to put a bad image to my boyfriend, he is a kind man, he really is. The weight issues seem very unfair topic for every one of us, yes I admit, I would really love the saying "if he loves me, he should love me for who and what I am" I have been wanting to live in that kind of matter but I am living in reality where I cannot control every one as much as I wanted.

I was writing my blog whilst I was in pain, whilst I was feeling hopeless and inferior not because of what my fiance said but what I have become. The only thing I want now is to get back to my life, this is not me and I don't want to be like this forever. The issue is in me, if I had enough strength like what I used to have, I can cope with every thing I mentioned, but I am tired, my strength and optimisim have been absorbed but I do not regret because I can see how I made my boyfriend stable and happy unlike before. I want to be strong for us because I know he's not and he still needs me, but I want to love my self because I have already given it all to my family, friends and to him, nothing left for me. Now I am the one who needs a shoulder to lean on, I am glad that he is available like what I've been for him. The weight issues, he is not forcing me to be slim, we have overcome that issue but me to my self, I dont want to be eaten by insecurity every time we are together, I don't want him to be unattracted to me for a long time because I know our relationship won't work, love is not enough.

You are right, life is full of ups and downs, and I can easily describe that I am in my down part of my life but there's still few percent on my mind that someday I will be in the best part of my story.

I apologise for posting this here, I know it's irrelevant for other members of this website but it is a relief for me sharing my thoughts to the people who I don't personally know because as of now, I am afraid of being judged, I don't need it.

Thank you for the comments and advices, I am not upset with those.
I appreciate your time reading my long input, thank you for showing concern.

I am planning to go out with my friends and relatives again, I hope this is the step one of getting my life back.

I wanna get back to my sanity lol

Michael Parnham
13th April 2014, 06:10
Jen, I see where you are coming from, a problem shared is a problem halved, thanks for sharing!

marksroomspain
13th April 2014, 11:15
Hi,

My blog is all about how my mind is doing these past months,how my attitude become worse, how my personality reached to unlikely desirable one and it looks like you guys know which factor gave the biggest impact on what I am suffering now. I did not write this to put a bad image to my boyfriend, he is a kind man, he really is. The weight issues seem very unfair topic for every one of us, yes I admit, I would really love the saying "if he loves me, he should love me for who and what I am" I have been wanting to live in that kind of matter but I am living in reality where I cannot control every one as much as I wanted.

I was writing my blog whilst I was in pain, whilst I was feeling hopeless and inferior not because of what my fiance said but what I have become. The only thing I want now is to get back to my life, this is not me and I don't want to be like this forever. The issue is in me, if I had enough strength like what I used to have, I can cope with every thing I mentioned, but I am tired, my strength and optimisim have been absorbed but I do not regret because I can see how I made my boyfriend stable and happy unlike before. I want to be strong for us because I know he's not and he still needs me, but I want to love my self because I have already given it all to my family, friends and to him, nothing left for me. Now I am the one who needs a shoulder to lean on, I am glad that he is available like what I've been for him. The weight issues, he is not forcing me to be slim, we have overcome that issue but me to my self, I dont want to be eaten by insecurity every time we are together, I don't want him to be unattracted to me for a long time because I know our relationship won't work, love is not enough.

You are right, life is full of ups and downs, and I can easily describe that I am in my down part of my life but there's still few percent on my mind that someday I will be in the best part of my story.

I apologise for posting this here, I know it's irrelevant for other members of this website but it is a relief for me sharing my thoughts to the people who I don't personally know because as of now, I am afraid of being judged, I don't need it.

Thank you for the comments and advices, I am not upset with those.
I appreciate your time reading my long input, thank you for showing concern.

I am planning to go out with my friends and relatives again, I hope this is the step one of getting my life back.

I wanna get back to my sanity lol

Well said Jen you go girl...:xxgrinning--00xx3: