Need help

[jack86]

Is there anybody out there who could help me? I am sorry but new here and just need advice.

I married my filipino wife 3 years ago and have been happily in the UK since then. We have a daughter who is 3 years old who was born here but conceived in the Philippines. I have had doubts whether she is my legitimate daughter as she is darker than her mam; also other things which I cannot talk about right now. Anyway, I had a DNA test done which came back as myself not being her father.

I am devastated as I brought her up as my own. I spoke to my wife and found out she was raped by an ex a week before we first met and made love.

I worked out dates of her conceiving and I had no doubts to think she was mine.

Please can anybody help just in turmoil at the moment. I don't know what to believe. So sorry

Thankyou.

[Michael Parnham]

Welcome to the Forum Jack, I understand how you must be feeling with all the doubt in your head, I'm sure many on here will comment on your situation and I hope you can at least receive some words of good advice also words of comfort!

[mickcant]

Hi Jack,

Welcome to the forum.

This could be something some men wonder about with their children. This is easy for me to say but given what your wife told you about her ex raping her, if you love the child and of course none of this is her fault, can you not leave the past behind and enjoy your family?

You all have a lot to lose.
Mick. :smile:

[stevewool]

Hi there, if you and your wife love each other and your daughter and your wife is your life, then say no more, move on

[joebloggs]

Hi Jack,
Welcome to the forum.

This could be something some men wonder about with their children, this is easy for me to say but given what your wife told you about her ex raping her, if you love the child and of course none of this is her fault, can you not leave the past behind and enjoy your family?
You all have a lot to loose.
Mick.:smile:

But to her, you are her father, and if you're not her bio-father you're still her stepfather

If everything has been good since they've been in the UK, maybe you should stop looking at the past and into the future instead

If the past will not go away, maybe try and get help from someone like 'Relate', but like Mick has said you've got a lot to lose.

Problems with kids remind me of the Cat Stevens song, father to son ..


I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

[Terpe]

But to her, you are her father, and if your not her bio-father you're still her stepfather

If everything has been good since they've been in the UK, maybe you should stop looking at the past and into the future instead

If the past will not go away, maybe try and get help from someone like 'Relate', but like Mick has said you've got a lot to lose.

Problems with kids remind me of the Cat Stevens song, father to son ..

Brilliant :xxgrinning--00xx3:
Says it all.....especially the Cat Stevens lyrics.

[grahamw48]

Hi Jack.

What a nightmarish situation to be in.

I have heard about this sort of thing happening to guys before. Only you know all the details about your past and current relationship with your wife and the child, so you're going to have to do some heart-searching and decide how this revelation is going to affect your feelings in the future, and if you're going to be able to live with it. Will things get any better ? Will it eat away at you ?

You have been treated unfairly if this 'rape' wasn't discussed with you before you married.

I know others will think I'm perhaps being a bit cold-hearted, but having also been misled by my (ex) Asawa about equally important matters, I can empathise with you and the mental turmoil that you'll be experiencing at this time.

[Michael Parnham]

Hi Jack.

What a nightmarish situation to be in.

I have heard about this sort of thing happening to guys before. Only you know all the details about your past and current relationship with your wife and the child, so you're going to have to do some heart-searching and decide how this revelation is going to affect your feelings in the future, and if you're going to be able to live with it. Will things get any better ? Will it eat away at you ?

You have been treated unfairly if this 'rape' wasn't discussed with you before you married.

I know others will think I'm perhaps being a bit cold-hearted, but having also been misled by my (ex) Asawa about equally important matters, I can empathise with you and the mental turmoil that you'll be experiencing at this time.

Well said Graham! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[joebloggs]

You have been treated unfairly if this 'rape' wasn't discussed with you before you married.
.

I'm sure some women would understandably want to block it out of their minds and couldn't tell their partners about it :NoNo:

[aprilmaejon]

I'm sure some women would understandably want to block it out of their minds and couldn't tell their partners about it :NoNo:

I was raped when I was 16 and had a son who is 7 years old now...I felt quite ashamed of myself and embarrassed to tell my boyfriend (my husband now) about it...and the fact that It was such a tragic experience for me made me reluctant to open and share it to him. Even until now, I don't like the idea of bringing that nightmare up in a conversation.

Everytime people finds out that I had a son at a very young age, they judge me quickly and interrogate me on how I had a son that early......and I always hated to be in that position because it reminds me of the most tragic moment of my life which was incomparably painful and embarassing....I nearly killed myself because of shame, but thanks to my ever supportive family who lifted me up.

[joebloggs]

Respect for your bravery in posting about your experience Aprilmae and I hope your memories of it can eventually fade away :wink:

[aprilmaejon]

respect for your bravery in posting about your experience aprilmae and i hope your memories of it can eventually fade away :wink:

Thanks for that Joe and for the rep too...

I don't think my memories of it will fade away as I have a child as a result of that memory(don't get me wrong, I don't blame my son for what had happened to me, I fully understand that he's nothing to do with it....and I love him to bits)...it's just that he is a 100% copy of his father---meaning, I can always see the face of that rapist everytime I look at my him....but even so, my deep motherly feelings for my him will never ever change...

[joebloggs]

That's understandable Aprilmae :wink:

My wife wasn't raped, but was assaulted once, it took her a long time to tell me about that as she was so upset even years later. It has to be much more difficult when its rape :NoNo:

As for shame, I can understand that, after chatting to my misses for a couple of years, she told me she had something to tell me. It took weeks to get it out of her, she had a son when she was 18, she felt ashamed to tell me. The way she was talking I thought she had killed someone. When she told me I just :icon_lol:

I truly wish all the best for you, your son and husband. I'm sure he's a great stepfather to your son :wink:

[grahamw48]

I'm sure some women would understandably want to block it out of their mind and couldn't tell their partner about it :NoNo:

You may shake your head, but that's my opinion of the situation Joe, and not something I want to debate about. It's not a thread about politics. The OP is asking for advice.

When you have been in the position of being expected to take care of another man's child AFTER you've already married the mother (even worse when you were led to believe it was yours), then you will have a better understanding of the situation, and the emotions involved from the MAN's point of view. A marriage has to be based on trust.

[joebloggs]

You may shake your head, but that's my opinion of the situation Joe, and not something I want to debate about. It's not a thread about politics. The OP is asking for advice.

When you have been in the position of being expected to take care of another man's child AFTER you've already married the mother (even worse when you were led to believe it was yours), then you will have a better understanding of the situation, and the emotions involved from the MAN's point of view. A marriage has to be based on trust.

The headshaking is not about what you have just posted but about the fact that some women can't or don't want to talk about the traumatic experience of rape.

I don't know how many women or children Savile raped if any at all, but it's taken some of his victims 4 decades for them to be able to talk about what he did to them.

Also the section of your post I quoted, you state before marriage not after.

[jack86]

Thankyou for your quick response.

I am in a bad place at the moment.

I spoke to my wife and she told me she was at a friends birthday party a week before we met and her ex was there she had a few drinks and fell asleep and the next day her ex was in bed beside her.

I asked did she consent to sex she said no because she hated him and that she never wanted to see his face again.

I pushed her on the issue and asked do you think you were raped she said it must of been because she would never sleep with him because she was in love with me even though we had never met she had developed deep feelings for me in the 9 months we spoke and video skped online.

To say I am in turmoil is an understatement

She is a good girl who attends church every week and never has giving me a cause for concern.

I have felt distant from her at intimate times and everytime we got close this thing was playing on her mind and slowly destroying her and the relief when I found through DNA was a massive relief for her cos every day she had wanted to tell me but was terrified to my reaction

I love her but it feels like the last 3 years has been a marriage based on fraud and deceit and feel utterly betrayed by it all, not because this happened but because she could not tell me and it feels like a lot of trust has vanished.

I know people will say I should man up and think of the pain and suffering my wife has gone through. Yes, I have and I see that look of desperation in her eyes and she says how much she must've hurt me.

I have told her I have to deal with this one day at a time and to get my head around it all and just hopefully be able to sort this out.

I love her so deeply and my little girl feels that little more special to me as it's not her fault and I am just glad that after seeing my solicitor that I am legally her father and nobody can ever change that.

Anyway, I have to go now but thanks once again for your kind words and support and even though talking to strangers it feels like a weight lifted off my chest. I just hope I can find peace and solace at the end of all this and hope to give an update.

Thankyou everyone...

[Steve.r]

Thanks for the response, but as you say one day at a time.

[grahamw48]

Thanks for getting back to us Jack.

I hope things work out for all of you. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[jack86]

You may shake your head, but that's my opinion of the situation Joe, and not something I want to debate about. It's not a thread about politics. The OP is asking for advice.

When you have been in the position of being expected to take care of another man's child AFTER you've already married the mother (even worse when you were led to believe it was yours), then you will have a better understanding of the situation, and the emotions involved from the MAN's point of view. A marriage has to be based on trust.

Thanks Graham - means a lot...

[Michael Parnham]

Thankyou for your quick response.

I am in a bad place at the moment.

I spoke to my wife and she told me she was at a friends birthday party a week before we met and her ex was there she had a few drinks and fell asleep and the next day her ex was in bed beside her.

I asked did she consent to sex she said no because she hated him and that she never wanted to see his face again.

I pushed her on the issue and asked do you think you were raped she said it must of been because she would never sleep with him because she was in love with me even though we had never met she had developed deep feelings for me in the 9 months we spoke and video skped online.

To say I am in turmoil is an understatement

She is a good girl who attends church every week and never has giving me a cause for concern.

I have felt distant from her at intimate times and everytime we got close this thing was playing on her mind and slowly destroying her and the relief when I found through DNA was a massive relief for her cos every day she had wanted to tell me but was terrified to my reaction

I love her but it feels like the last 3 years has been a marriage based on fraud and deceit and feel utterly betrayed by it all, not because this happened but because she could not tell me and it feels like a lot of trust has vanished.

I know people will say I should man up and think of the pain and suffering my wife has gone through. Yes, I have and I see that look of desperation in her eyes and she says how much she must've hurt me.

I have told her I have to deal with this one day at a time and to get my head around it all and just hopefully be able to sort this out.

I love her so deeply and my little girl feels that little more special to me as it's not her fault and I am just glad that after seeing my solicitor that I am legally her father and nobody can ever change that.

Anyway, I have to go now but thanks once again for your kind words and support and even though talking to strangers it feels like a weight lifted off my chest. I just hope I can find peace and solace at the end of all this and hope to give an update.

Thankyou everyone...

Hopefully given time, you will move forward as a happy family unit Jack, don't waste what you've already built! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[jack86]

Hopefully given time, you will move forward as a happy family unit Jack, don't waste what you've already built! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Thankyou Michael and everyone else's kind words...

We have both sat down and all the emotions, feelings hurt and anger have all surfaced and somewhat I feel at peace that we have made progress in this short time.

I know what a massive relief my wife finally feels and the love we have for each other was not compromised but in a sort of way I feel now that its sort of magnified.

I will support her in every way and she said I was remarkable lol because many would of walked away, I do believe that if you love someone enough then things can be worked out even something this bad and I believe it has brought us closer.

I am an old fashioned guy who like my late parents married nearly 60 years stuck by each other through thick and thin, I totally believe that's how a marriage should be.

Maria my wife and I are retaking our wedding vows in church this time unlike the marriage at the town hall back in the Philippines and will move forward from all of this also our plans for a second child when our little girl is a couple of years older will finally make our family complete.

We always talked about having 2 children and my little girl will be loved just as much as her new sibling in the future.

I have realised what a family means and how lucky we both are to have each other and no matter what life throws at us we both know with all our strength and determination we can have a happy future.

Thankyou to everyone and I will certainly stick around on the brilliant forum...:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[raynaputi]

I'm glad for a positive outcome for you. I wish you all the best. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[grahamw48]

Nice to hear.

Best of luck mate. :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[jack86]

Thanks rayanputi and graham...:smile:

[NoRest]

Happy for you both, especially for your little girl :)

She's a precious one!

[SimonH]

Nice one Jack :xxgrinning--00xx3: Really pleased you managed to get it all sorted, and a little brother or sister will make the family even stronger :smile:

[Tish]

Good to hear your marriage is back on track Jack86 :xxgrinning--00xx3:

And here's wishing you and your family serenity in the coming months and years ahead :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Tish