A few jokes

[SimonH]

A Catholic priest has just been arrested for killing his entire congregation, a police spokesman has said it's the worst case of mass murder he's ever seen.....

[SimonH]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f:censored:ing fault!

[Michael Parnham]

Nice one Simon:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[SimonH]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"

[SimonH]

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber.
He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking,
"Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.":)

[SimonH]

Nice one Simon:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Thanks Michael :smile:

[stevewool]

Nice:laugher:

[Steve.r]

:icon_lol: Thanks Simon

[stevewool]

I watch a porn film last night,
This woman started w__king off this plumber,then a electrician,a painter then a gardener,
The film was called Jack Off All Trades

[stevewool]

Despite getting my A level results and getting A,B,B,A, no employer will take a chance on me

[SimonH]

I watch a porn film last night,
This woman started w__king off this plumber,then a electrician,a painter then a gardener,
The film was called Jack Off All Trades


:laugher:

[SimonH]

Despite getting my A level results and getting A,B,B,A, no employer will take a chance on me


You probably asked for too much money, money, money :Erm:

[stevewool]

Yesterday while walking in town I saw a sign TURKEY £29, in a butcher's shop,
That's £300 cheaper then Thomas Cook

[stevewool]

Condoms aren't completely safe,
A friend of mine was having sex with his neighbour, but still her husband shot him

[stevewool]

I had to cancel my appointment with the sperm bank the other day.
I phoned them up and said I could not cum

[stevewool]

You probably asked for too much money, money, money :Erm:

I Do, I Do, I Do I Do

[stevewool]

You probably asked for too much money, money, money :Erm:

I Do, I Do, I Do I Do

[stevewool]

Paddy says to Mick, I can't remember the name of that film about the Greek gods staring Brad Pitt.
Mick says, TROY,
Paddy says I am but I still can't remember

[Michael Parnham]

Paddy says to Mick, I can't remember the name of that film about the Greek gods staring Brad Pitt.
Mick says, TROY,
Paddy says I am but I still can't remember

Love it:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[stevewool]

A boy goes up to his mum and asked,
Can I asked you about my dad.
Mum says, Your dad was a w__ker.
Why is this mum, was it because he walked out on you when I was a baby.
Mum says NO, its because your from a sperm bank

[Steve.r]

:icon_lol::icon_lol:

[stevewool]

Archeologist digging in Egypt have uncovered a new burial chamber in the valley of the kings,
They have found a mummy covered in hazelnuts and chocolate and they believe it to be.
Pharaoh Rocher

[stevewool]

My ex wife is suffering from depression,
She called me the other day saying she could throw herself under a bus, and I am not doing anything to help her.
So I sent her the bus time table

[stevewool]

My ex wife is suffering from depression,
She called me the other day saying she could throw herself under a bus, and I am not doing anything to help her.
So I sent her the bus time table:hubbahubba:

[stevewool]

We have a new neighbour she is so sexy, but she confronted me the other day.
Items of clothing is being taken off her washing line.
I nearly .... her pants

[stevewool]

My wife is going to a fancy dress party dress as a Rastafarian, she asked me to do her hair,
I am dreading it

[stevewool]

I had to go to the bank today, and while waiting in the queue the lady behind the counter started signing DOWNTOWN,
I thought that was a peculiar clerk

[Terpe]

There's a lot of stuff here that really tickles me :icon_lol:

Good job and thanks to all who bring that extra smile to my fun filled day :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[stevewool]

Paddy walks into Mick's farm building and see's Mick dancing naked and playing with his Willy in front of his tractor
Mick what the hell you doing,
Well you see paddy , me and the wife are having some problems, so the therapist told me I must get more sexy to attractor

[Terpe]

Paddy walks into Mick's farm building and see's Mick dancing naked and playing with his Willy in front of his tractor
Mick what the hell you doing,
Well you see paddy , me and the wife are having some problems, so the therapist told me I must get more sexy to attractor

:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:

[stevewool]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night , and she said to me,
"That's the biggest dick I have ever held in my hands",
I said , "your pulling my leg"

[stevewool]

BREAKING NEWS
Man takes airline to court over them losing his luggage.
HE LOST HIS CASE

[stevewool]

A man was taken to hospital and they found 6 plastic horse's up his bum,
His condition is STABLE

[stevewool]

A guy goes into a Scottish bakers,
"How much is that cake he asked",
"A poond"
What about that one,
"A poond"
And what about this one too,
"A poond",
All my cakes are a poond the baker says ,
Well how about this one then,
Ach "Thats two poonds"
Whys that,
"Thats Madeira cake"

[Michael Parnham]

A guy goes into a Scottish bakers,
"How much is that cake he asked",
"A poond"
What about that one,
"A poond"
And what about this one too,
"A poond",
All my cakes are a poond the baker says ,
Well how about this one then,
Ach "Thats two poonds"
Whys that,
"Thats Madeira cake" ???:Erm:

[Arthur Little]

A guy goes into a Scottish bakers,
"How much is that cake he asked",
"A poond"
What about that one,
"A poond"
And what about this one too,
"A poond",
All my cakes are a poond the baker says ,
Well how about this one then,
Ach "Thats two poonds"
Whys that,
"Thats Madeira cake"


???:Erm:

That's ma ... Scots' pronunciation of "my" ...

... followed by deira ... how the word "dearer" ... as in this example - twice the price - sounds to others when pronounced in [some] Scots' dialects. :biggrin:

:yeahthat: explanation is "straight from the horse's mouth" [mine] Michael! :icon_lol:

[stevewool]

That's ma ... Scots' pronunciation of "my" ...

... followed by deira ... how the word "dearer" ... as in this example - twice the price - sounds to others when pronounced in [some] Scots' dialects. :biggrin:

:yeahthat: explanation is "straight from the horse's mouth" [mine] Michael! :icon_lol:

Thank you Arthur, said in your tongue it sounded wonderful too :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[stevewool]

???:Erm:

When you have to explain a joke it's dead already

[Amaw2008]

You probably asked for too much money, money, money :Erm:

You just have to face it, this time you're through.....

[stevewool]

I cannot stand people who think there worst of then everyone else.
I have a friend named Don, he was involved in a bad accident.
He lost his voice and both leg's, but do you ever here or see him make a song and dance of it, " not at all"

[Terpe]

The winner takes it all.............:wink:

[Arthur Little]

Thank you Arthur, said in your tongue it sounded wonderful too :xxgrinning--00xx3:

Aww, nice compliment there, Steve ... :68711_thanx:

[stevewool]

Aww, nice compliment there, Steve ... :68711_thanx:

It's funny telling jokes in a accent, but somehow some folk can still kill the joke

[stevewool]

A friend crashed his car the other day,
Right in between two houses.
On the left hand side lived Mr Smith,
On the right hand side lived Mr Balls,
Luckily he was dragged out of his car by the Smiths

[Michael Parnham]

A friend crashed his car the other day,
Right in between two houses.
On the left hand side lived Mr Smith,
On the right hand side lived Mr Balls,
Luckily he was dragged out of his car by the Smiths

What a lovely little joke, like it:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[stevewool]

Emma said to me the other day that she was feeling light headed from a low iron level.
So to help her,
I raised the iron board to a suitable height

[stevewool]

I opened up a bakery the other day and this lady phoned me for a request, she wanted me to make a cake and sign on it " I SUCK COCKS ", I thought that's weird but I made it anyway.
I delivered the cake the next day and Mrs Cox was not happy also her son Issac was not impressed too

[stevewool]

I went to the doctors the other day complaining of hearing voices coming from my boxers .
The doctor said " ignore them they are talking .......s "

[Terpe]

I opened up a bakery the other day and this lady phoned me for a request, she wanted me to make a cake and sign on it " I SUCK COCKS ", I thought that's weird but I made it anyway.
I delivered the cake the next day and Mrs Cox was not happy also her son Issac was not impressed too

:laugher::laugher::laugher:

[stevewool]

A red Indian friend introduce me to his wife the other day,
" This is four houses his said " ,
What a beautiful name I replied," what does it mean I asked.
Nag nag nag nag he answered

[stevewool]

There is a new survey saying that women are the best archeologist now.
Because they are great at digging up sh_ t from the past :biggrin:

[Arthur Little]

Two aerials got hitched, :wedtoss:. Whilst they denounced the Service as "rubbish" :cwm25: ... the Reception was BRILLIANT! :xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Arthur Little]

Hmm :icon_rolleyes: ... police arrested a couple of teenagers yesterday. One was found drinking :NEW1: battery acid, and the other eating fireworks.

So ... :anerikke: ... they charged the first - and let the second off!

[stevewool]

A Russian couple was walking down the street one night in Moscow , when the man suddenly felt a drop hit his nose.
I think its starting to rain he said to his wife, no she said its more like snow.
No its rain , then they started to argue there and then in the street.
The they saw there local communist party leader walking towards them, they said lets not argue about this but lets ask comrade Rudolph whether its officially its raining or snowing .
The comrade said its raining and then he carried on walking.
The lady insisted its snowing still,
Then her husband quietly replied , Rudolph the red knows rain dear,