Family crisis...and I'm not there to help.

[ssbib]

I received bad news today. My fiance's grandmother passed away. My fiancé has just called me in floods of tears to tell me the news and there is nothing I can do to help her. I just want to be close by her so I can comfort her but I can't do that. This is new territory for us as nothing like this has happened in the past. How do you guys cope if your significant other needs you on an emotional level but you're on the other side of the planet? I can't think of anything except being here for her to talk to. I think I will send her and her family some flowers just so they know I am thinking of them at this difficult time. I'm sad also as I never got the chance to meet her Gran and now I never will.

[stevewool]

There will be lots of crisis when you are not there , just by talking and listening helps, that's all you can do,
I would not send any flowers at all, just wait and listen and maybe you may send something at a later date,
Be prepared for lots of these things to happen when your partner is here with you too.
You get use to this by just taking a step back and again just be there to offer advice and comfort when needed

[ssbib]

There will be lots of crisis when you are not there , just by talking and listening helps, that's all you can do,
I would not send any flowers at all, just wait and listen and maybe you may send something at a later date,
Be prepared for lots of these things to happen when your partner is here with you too.
You get use to this by just taking a step back and again just be there to offer advice and comfort when needed
Thanks for that. I suppose you are right. There is not much else I can do at this time.

[grahamw48]

Indeed.

They all managed before they met us. :wink:

[Steve.r]

As said by Steve, there is absolutely nothing you can do, only be there to listen to your fiancée and comfort. If you have never been to a Filipino funeral before then don't think it is like here. Of course everyone is upset and emotional but everyone will be busy getting things ready for the Wake. Her Lola will be placed in her coffin and brought back to the house for 4 to 5 days before the funeral itself. Durning that time many people will attend every night at the wake when they will drink coffee, play tong-it and eat snacks provided by her family. It is not a real sad occasion, more a great rememberance of her life. All the family from everywhere will be there to visit and help.
On the day of the funeral, the coffin will be put in a hearse or horse and cart and taken slowly to the church and all the family and friends will walk behind, maybe you have seen this before when you were there. After the service she will be taken to the cemetery and entombed. In my experience, the walk and the church are the most emotional times as this is the last time anyone will see their loved one, all you can do is support them.

From here, you can't do much, don't send flowers as the family will already have them sorted.

But please give my condolences to your fiancée

[Slip]

Like has been said. Just be there for her. I take it you communicate via Skype. So just make time for her.

When my wife went to a funeral here with me earlier this year. She was telling me how very different the process is leading up to the day of the funeral and the actual funeral.

You will find a lot of things different in her culture. Some get a bit of getting used too, but you will.

[ssbib]

Indeed.

They all managed before they met us. :wink:
I know but she shouldn't have to manage now I am in her life. I just want to be there and give her a big hug.

As said by Steve, there is absolutely nothing you can do, only be there to listen to your fiancée and comfort. If you have never been to a Filipino funeral before then don't think it is like here. Of course everyone is upset and emotional but everyone will be busy getting things ready for the Wake. Her Lola will be placed in her coffin and brought back to the house for 4 to 5 days before the funeral itself. Durning that time many people will attend every night at the wake when they will drink coffee, play tong-it and eat snacks provided by her family. It is not a real sad occasion, more a great rememberance of her life. All the family from everywhere will be there to visit and help.
On the day of the funeral, the coffin will be put in a hearse or horse and cart and taken slowly to the church and all the family and friends will walk behind, maybe you have seen this before when you were there. After the service she will be taken to the cemetery and entombed. In my experience, the walk and the church are the most emotional times as this is the last time anyone will see their loved one, all you can do is support them.

From here, you can't do much, don't send flowers as the family will already have them sorted.

But please give my condolences to your fiancée
I've vaguely heard of that. Her brother-in-law's aunt died last year and I think she went to pay her respects at that funeral but I didn't hear too much detail about it. This is the first major death in her family for a long time so I think it's going to be a new experience for her too. It sounds a lot different to the funerals here but I kind of like it, sounds good with it being a celebration. I didn't see any funerals when I was in the Philippines.


Like has been said. Just be there for her. I take it you communicate via Skype. So just make time for her.

When my wife went to a funeral here with me earlier this year. She was telling me how very different the process is leading up to the day of the funeral and the actual funeral.

You will find a lot of things different in her culture. Some get a bit of getting used too, but you will.
We mostly communicate via Viber but use Skype for video chats (when we can get it to work) but I'll make myself available. I'll keep myself logged in tonight so she can call me if she needs to.

Thanks for all the short everyone.

[Steve.r]

I don't think it will be such a new experience for her. I have been to so many funerals since I have been in the Philippines and we always take the children, they always want to see the patay. So different to here where everything is so hidden and sorrowful. So sure she has been to man funerals, just not close family maybe.

As as for video chat, download Wechat it is better and more stable that skype.

[ssbib]

I don't think it will be such a new experience for her. I have been to so many funerals since I have been in the Philippines and we always take the children, they always want to see the patay. So different to here where everything is so hidden and sorrowful. So sure she has been to man funerals, just not close family maybe.

As as for video chat, download Wechat it is better and more stable that skype.
What is Patay? Never heard of that. Thanks for the recommendation of wechat, I'll check it out. Skype is good but it's always a pain to get it to connect.viber video chat has poor picture quality. Great for calls and message though.

[Steve.r]

Patay = Dead

[jonnijon]

Sometimes lola's die three or four times, be careful.

[Steve.r]

Sometimes lola's die three or four times, be careful.
:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:

[Arthur Little]

Cannot think of anything else to add to what has been said already :Erm: ... apart from joining others in offering my own condolences to your girlfriend, Phill.

[grahamw48]

Posted on my facebook today .... I didn't ask. :cwm25:

.
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b258/grahamw48/funeral%20party_zpsao0vtmjp.jpg~original

[SimonH]

That party could do with livening up a bit :wink:

[stevewool]

Sometimes lola's die three or four times, be careful.

Now that is funny:laugher:

[stevewool]

Posted on my facebook today .... I didn't ask. :cwm25:

.
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b258/grahamw48/funeral%20party_zpsao0vtmjp.jpg~original

Different to the ones I have been too here

[Michael Parnham]

They are more brave than me, I've never been near a dead person or seen one, no couldn't do that:NoNo:

[Arthur Little]

.
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b258/grahamw48/funeral%20party_zpsao0vtmjp.jpg~original


Different to the ones I have been to here

:cwm24: ... WOW, I'll say! :cwm25: ... unless, of course, there's the prospect of an inheritance! :wink:

[Steve.r]

We have lost several close friends and relatives notably Charie's mum and brother over the last two years. I have lost count of the number of wakes we go to.

[Ako Si Jamie]

They do die quite young over there. Noticed quite a few women in their thirties on dating sites that are widowed. Preventable illnesses like diabetes can be a cause of death too which is tragic really.

[Terpe]

Sometimes lola's die three or four times, be careful.

Now that really tickled me :icon_lol::icon_lol:

[Terpe]

We have lost several close friends and relatives notably Charie's mum and brother over the last two years. I have lost count of the number of wakes we go to.

We have also attended so many funerals.
Too many close family members.

One of my bro-in-laws just a couple of weeks ago. My wife flew to Davao alone to help organise, I stayed at home.

[stevewool]

They are more brave than me, I've never been near a dead person or seen one, no couldn't do that:NoNo:

I have been near quite a few dead people

[ssbib]

Cannot think of anything else to add to what has been said already :Erm: ... apart from joining others in offering my own condolences to your girlfriend, Phill.
Thanks Arthur, I'm sure she will appreciate that.