Todays joke

[stevewool]

I was driving down this country lane today and i came across the tractor being driven in the middle of the road and the driver was going off on one.
ITS THE END OF THE WORLD AND WE ARE ALL DOOMED , and on and on he went, ITS THE END OF THE WORLD AND WE ARE ALL DOOMED.
I did manage to get past this bloke and when i got into the next village i mentioned this and the folk there said just ignore him its Farmer Geddon .

[fred]

Thanks Steve.. That joke really takes me back..
To when I was about 8 years old

[stevewool]

Thanks Steve.. That joke really takes me back..
To when I was about 8 years old

I hope they was happy memories at that time too.

[stevewool]

Just sent my son 3 socks, " he lives in the USA ".
My ex wife says since he's been there he's grown another foot

[Terpe]

Just sent my son 3 socks, " he lives in the USA ".
My ex wife says since he's been there he's grown another foot

:icon_lol::icon_lol:

[Longweekend]

I was down isle 7 stacking shelves and a girl I met in a bar last night saw me. You lied to me she said, you told me you were a stunt pilot. I said no that's not exactly true, i said I was in the Ariel display team!....:biggrin:

[Longweekend]

My friend adopted a dog from the local blacksmith in the village where she lives the other day, he is lovely a collie cross really sweet little thing...........................As soon as she got him home he made a bolt for the door!!!:biggrin:

[Michael Parnham]

My friend adopted a dog from the local blacksmith in the village where she lives the other day, he is lovely a collie cross really sweet little thing...........................As soon as she got him home he made a bolt for the door!!!:biggrin:

A couple of good one's there:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[Michael Parnham]

Just sent my son 3 socks, " he lives in the USA ".
My ex wife says since he's been there he's grown another foot

Love it:xxgrinning--00xx3:

[stevewool]

I was down isle 7 stacking shelves and a girl I met in a bar last night saw me. You lied to me she said, you told me you were a stunt pilot. I said no that's not exactly true, i said I was in the Ariel display team!....:biggrin:

Nice, that gave me comfort reading this

[stevewool]

Back and forth........ back and forth.
In and out....... in and out.
A little to the right....... a little to the left.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead,
Between her breast... and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting towards the end....
He was in ecstasy....with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved....
Forwards and backwards.....
Forwards and backwards..
Again and again..
Her heart was pounding now...
Her face was flushed.
She moaned , softly at first... then began to groan louder....
Finally... totally exhausted... she let out a piercing scream ...and shouted.

OK.. OK..you smug bast--rd......., I cant parallel park...
You do it!

[stevewool]

A man gets a pay rise from work, so he decides he would like a new scope for his rifle,
So he goes to the gun shop and the sales man shows him this latest scope.
Go outside and look up to that hill you can see my house, thats how good it is...
The man looks up the hill and then starts to laugh,
Whats funny asked the sale man...
I can see a naked man and lady running around that house.
The sales man grabs the scope and looks, then he hands the man two bullets...
I will give you this scope for free.. if you will take these two bullets and shoot that mans dick off
ans shoot my wife's head off too...
The man looks again through the scope and says...
I only need the one bullet..

[Longweekend]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Longweekend]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “...You .......!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You .......!”
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that ......., and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[Longweekend]

A frog hopped into the local branch of his bank, and said to the cashier (Whose name was Patty Whack) "My father is Mick Jagger and I'd like to arrange a loan please", "yes Sir" said the cashier "What can you offer as collateral?"
"Well, I have this little elephant charm on my key ring"
The cashier said "I'll have to check with the manager, just a moment"
She went to the manager and said "I have a frog outside who says his father is Mick Jagger and wants to arrange a loan, but all he has as collateral is a key ring charm, what good is that, and what is it anyway, what should I do?"
The bank manager said
"It's a nick-nack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan his old mans a Rolling Stone.

[Longweekend]

Wife came home and found her husband charging around with a fly swat. What the hell are you doing? he said killing flies, I've got three males and two females. Intrigued she said how do you know the difference? easy, the three males were on a beer can and the females were on the phone....

[stevewool]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...Are - my - test - results - back?"

Its the way you tell them :laugher:

[stevewool]

A frog hopped into the local branch of his bank, and said to the cashier (Whose name was Patty Whack) "My father is Mick Jagger and I'd like to arrange a loan please", "yes Sir" said the cashier "What can you offer as collateral?"
"Well, I have this little elephant charm on my key ring"
The cashier said "I'll have to check with the manager, just a moment"
She went to the manager and said "I have a frog outside who says his father is Mick Jagger and wants to arrange a loan, but all he has as collateral is a key ring charm, what good is that, and what is it anyway, what should I do?"
The bank manager said
"It's a nick-nack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan his old mans a Rolling Stone.

I am sure i have heard another version of this joke:smile:

[Michael Parnham]

Wife came home and found her husband charging around with a fly swat. What the hell are you doing? he said killing flies, I've got three males and two females. Intrigued she said how do you know the difference? easy, the three males were on a beer can and the females were on the phone....

Love this one:icon_lol: