Am i too young to get married? [Archive]

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chino

4th April 2008, 02:36

Morning...

(i am writing this after a bottle of wine so forgive my spelling & english :D Ps i am from Yorkshire so it says it all.. )

I am 25 (26 this year) and my GF is 22 (23 this year).... I met her in Oct 2006 and i lived with her for 6 weeks before continuing on my travels... I kept in contact and when i finished my travels (Feb 2007) i booked a trip to see her (Oct 2007). After i saw her i booked another trip to see her (March 2008) and when i got back i booked another trip to see her (Oct 2008)...

I talk to her every few days plus i support her (plus her sister, sisters baby and brothers daughter) ..... She does not ask for a lot though every time i phone her "she has problem" but this month i said "i have problem" and she was fine (my bag is missing - from my last trip plus my CC bill and normal expenses are more than double my wages this month). When "she has problem" she does not ask for anything and i do not send her anything unless she asks which is very very rare....

This last trip she wanted to buy me an engagement ring (IE for both of us) though i did not... it was our flights more than anything... we flew from Cebu to Manila on day before good friday (everything was closed). She is currently getting a passport so i can take her away from the PI even just for a few days... Thinking of Taiwan or Thailand.

I don't know if i love her.... i always think of her but 2 things bug me.. one my family will not approve and two she is not well educated (dropped out of college to work so the she could work and support the family - oldest and father died). I am planning on emigrating this year but nothing is confirmed as i have a good Job.......

Just so you know her name is Marilyn (my avatar - taken on our first trip to boracay) and to be honest she worked in a gentleman's entertainment bar though she has not worked from June 2007..........It's not nice to talk about it though its true and i cannot change the facts... I can tell you as you don't know me from adam.

I have enough money for a while (saving which the interest which supports plus a house which i rent out) so she agreed to a prenuptial a long time ago which makes me think like she loves me. I just don't know due to her previous profession......

not really a question.... but i just don't know what to write...

telford

4th April 2008, 06:55

:doh just be careful... though its so hard to find jobs here in Phils,but working in a bar is a big NO NO for those who wanna be respected as human. If shes a college drop out, she can apply jobs in SM or other dept. stores if she like.

Eljohno

4th April 2008, 07:29

Do not rush into anything in case it turns out you do not want to spend your life with her.

You are at an age were you have plenty of time and you have already said that you are not even sure if you love her which is something you need to be certain about before getting engaged.

Just enjoy spending time with her for now as there is no pressure on you to make any decisions!!

ginapeterb

4th April 2008, 07:59

Chino,

Let me first say its good that you can open up your feelings on a public forum, as you say, we do not know you from Adam, so you can anonymously ask for advice without in any way being embarassed by the replies.

Firstly, there is no need for you to rush into a marriage, and from what you have said, its unlikely that you are ready to marry this girl in any event, also at 26 do you want to be married at this stage ? I wonder.

Secondly, Your girlfriend was working in an entertainment establishment, sounds to me like that translates into bar girl.

If she is a bar girl, or was a bar girl, be extremely cautious, bar girls do not make good marriage material, either she is already damaged by her experiences in the bar, or if you marry her, the experiences will come out later on in your marriage and be a source of constant frustration.

It sounds to me like she is attaching herself to you with a view to escaping the Philippines by marriage to a foreigner.

Thirdly, you mention there is always a problem when you call her, sounds to me like Munting Hiling ! (Urgent requests) some of these girls, always have a life threatening problem that needs solving quickly, with an injection of Pesos, that normally means you sending money to put right this matter.

You say she does'nt ask for any money, but in truth you have already admitted that your outgoings including credit card bills are twice your income, that is a red flag, if you are spending 200 per cent of your income on this relationship, only 2 things will happen.

1. You will go into spiralling debt and end up bankrupt at 27.

2. The love of your life will dissapear as fast as the wind when she finds out you have little or no wealth, and her chances of leaving the Phils through the marriage route will not materialize.

Some Filipina's fall in and out of love as fast as they change their underwear the minute a better prospect comes along.

Do not be mislead into thinking that you are numero uno with this girl, she may exhibit loving overtures to you, and I suspect giving you lots of sex, but most women even the good ones are experts at working a prospect over with a view to obtaining what they want.

Most women from the Philippines are fully aware that western men find them sometimes more attractive than their own kind, they are also fully aware that western men cannot resist being told they are "gwapo" and that "you are the only one for me honey".

Sometimes its hard to make a decision when the heart rules the head, but in your case, you have simply got to look at all the evidence of what you can expect with this girl.

Marriages in the UK on average are not lasting very long, finding someone in the Philippines who you feel is the one woman you will spend your whole life with is quite frankly a miracle.

Choose wisely and carefully, don't be rushed into making an impetuous decision because you think its the right thing to do, I know of so many cases where young guys have done this, only to find that within 6 months, the girl has absconded to live with other Filipino's and the marriage has ended.

Best of Luck, you will need it.

Alan

4th April 2008, 10:31

If in doubt........................:NoNo:

Al.:)

KeithD

4th April 2008, 10:51

one my family will not approve and two she is not well educated

The first one id of no concern, you're 25 not a mummies boy. Parents always accept what you even if they may not agree, and after a while they wouldn't dream of not approving as long as you are happy.

The education point is irrelevant, uneducated people can love as well as educated, and even degree holders have to study again if they want to work here. Failures in the past do not stop you from being a success in rhe future.

love8888

4th April 2008, 11:04

well not all people working at place are worst sometimes people are too judgemental, maybe for her it's easy money and not realise that it will affect on her dignity. every people are different in points of view. for me only God has the right to judge us.

way back 1992 i had a friend met a girl age 15 and this girl was working in a night club and poor this young girl sold herself and dance in a shower…. the main reason was her own mother was in critical condition and needed to have had an operation and it will cost her 30 thousand so even it was against to her to ruin her dignity she did it just simple because she wanted her mother be alive, she’s got no father at all.

There are so many reason why they work in that place.
Some is really their intention but not all of them.
Some of them are bad but some are real gold
…….. but it’s up to you young man even all of us here gave an advice at the end of the day still it’s your decision.

chino

4th April 2008, 11:12

thanks for all your advice....

I am sure she has changed.... though as i am not in the PI i cannot confirm.

The Credit card bill is my own fault nothing to do with money for her (Oct's flights, V festival camping tickets, 1TB NAS, Annual Reseller hosting package, expenses from a business trip to SA - yet to claim back are only a few things that come to mind. I can afford this without touching my savings)

"It sounds to me like she is attaching herself to you with a view to escaping the Philippines by marriage to a foreigner." - Yes i think she has and she also knows that i am moving to Asia (most likely India for work).

"Thirdly, you mention there is always a problem when you call her, sounds to me like Munting Hiling ! " - Only had one urgent request and that was when her sister had a baby (named after me by the way) and they needed some more money for the hospital bill.

On a finical point of view with a prenuptial this should protect all my assets within a set period..... I would not plan to get married for another 3 years or so but she still brought it up on my last trip and calls me aswa ko.

tomadore

4th April 2008, 12:54

don't just think twice mate... think a million times!

LEAHnew

4th April 2008, 13:28

The first one id of no concern, you're 25 not a mummies boy. Parents always accept what you even if they may not agree, and after a while they wouldn't dream of not approving as long as you are happy.

The education point is irrelevant, uneducated people can love as well as educated, and even degree holders have to study again if they want to work here. Failures in the past do not stop you from being a success in rhe future.

:xxgrinning--00xx3:

aug06_2006

4th April 2008, 13:34

think it carefully!

IainBusby

4th April 2008, 13:48

Don't even think about marriage until your at least 40. :xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:

Eljohno

4th April 2008, 14:21

[quote=love8888;59292]well not all people working at place are worst sometimes people are too judgemental, maybe for her it's easy money and not realise that it will affect on her dignity. every people are different in points of view. for me only God has the right to judge us.

I agree that this girl should not be judged but i think some are talking from bad experiences of "bar girls" so its ok to be cautious and not go into this relationship being totally ruled by the heart!!

KeithD

4th April 2008, 16:05

Don't even think about marriage until your at least 40. :xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3::xxgrinning--00xx3:
That young!!! :omg:

bornatbirth

4th April 2008, 21:41

your 25 i thought u was like 18,on some housing estates ur old enough to be a grandfather?
only u know how you feel over ur gf if you have doubts think it over but u do know how many girls u can meet over there so take ur time but dont waste theres.
considering the amount of poor people there are in the philipines some of them wouldnt of been to school but you dont get taught how to love any one at school so what does her level of education matter?

chino

5th April 2008, 00:51

considering the amount of poor people there are in the philipines some of them wouldnt of been to school but you dont get taught how to love any one at school so what does her level of education matter?

very good point...

Thanks for all your advise

Some of my friends know i am seeing her and some don't... I got forced to go on a date and nothing happened due to guilt as i was still missing her....

I think about her all the time but you only hear bad things about bar girls... Some girls have to do it...

So does anyone have anyone have any good things to say about ex bar girls? - I know no one would like to answer this if their GF / Aswa was BG but as i have said before i do not know you from Adam.

To confirm she is no longer a bar girl and if i joke and say she is a pok pok then she gets pissed off and says "i have changed my life" and does not want to look back.

I think i may pay for her to go to school as i would feel better in myself if she had a better education.

Gie

5th April 2008, 05:18

In my opinion, educated or not doesnt matter when you love the person. Besides, there are lots of educated women who are **** anyway so what's the difference?

Gie

5th April 2008, 05:19

i meant who are **** :censored:

[Admin: Please do not blatantly circumvent the spam filter, this is a public forum.]

bornatbirth

5th April 2008, 11:16

are u sure she was a bar girl,as she told you this?

if u love her and want to be with her,just dont tell anyone.telling everyone ur gf or wife was a bar girl isnt so clever,it will just let them say i told u so if u start having problems?

can anyone give u advice on having a relationship with a ex bar girl,i cant i have never even been in one of those bars,this comes down to how u feel about her.

i know ur freinds and family will have the same stupid thoughts over ur "poor philipino gf"telling you all there rich advice but chances are they will be wrong its up to you to listen to them or not?

andypaul

5th April 2008, 11:19

very good point...

Thanks for all your advise

Some of my friends know i am seeing her and some don't... I got forced to go on a date and nothing happened due to guilt as i was still missing her....

I think about her all the time but you only hear bad things about bar girls... Some girls have to do it...

So does anyone have anyone have any good things to say about ex bar girls? - I know no one would like to answer this if their GF / Aswa was BG but as i have said before i do not know you from Adam.

To confirm she is no longer a bar girl and if i joke and say she is a pok pok then she gets pissed off and says "i have changed my life" and does not want to look back.

I think i may pay for her to go to school as i would feel better in myself if she had a better education.

As you have said you both looking to the long term as both young, my missus found it tough here at first and she had a decent education and good English skills. Help her get a decent grounding in education for her sake it will help her gain confidence.

Don't rush in to anything and make sure you both set ground rules. Also make sure she understands your plans many phills don't get all the planning we do and don't take much notice. Many due to the nature of phill live live day by day.

I think your find many Brit girls never fully let on to what they get up to as do most people. Look how many people who have "an intresting past" settle down to normal lives.

Look how many westen blokes and women sleep around, drink, take drugs and maybe break the odd law in the uk as young peeps and students.

But move on and live rich and fulfilling lives. If once any of us blotted our copy books was given up on most of us would be failures.

kimmi

5th April 2008, 13:00

hi Chino,

I guess it will be better if u weigh things first between u and ur girl..u have to ask urself if what u feel for her is LOVE or just out of pity..

Like some of our mates have said here, when u met a Bar girl u have to be extra cautious..but for me it's still the benefit of the doubt because we cant always generalize everything because of what one person have had done..

and about ur question if u are too young to get married, for me nobody can really say that to u ..if u think u have found ur soulmate or the person u really love then its up to u..the decision is yours..

Just weigh things first mate, you dont need to rush things u still got a life ahead of u..

But if ur'e still in doubt, DON't..cheers..:)

chino

5th April 2008, 13:21

kimmi

5th April 2008, 13:22

Goodluck on u mate..Cheers..U still have the final decison for ur happiness and for ur life, I wish u all the best..:)

andypaul

5th April 2008, 14:14

thanks for all your help....

I think i will put her though some form of college (beauty school or even a education to become a nurse?). I do love her and i know i want to be with her...
None of my friends know that she was a bar girl and i know she does not want to go back.

I think i will stick to my plans of getting married in a few years time though their is nothing wrong with a long engagement! :D

I think its a good idea to help her with continuing her education. But make sure you help by making sure she does something she will be able to do and enjoy.
My Wife trained as a Nurse pushed into it by her family and she has no intrest in being a Nurse. But she had a good education which has helped her tremdously once here. She now works in a shop earns good money and comisson and comes home happy.

A rounded education might be better for her than pushing her into a health care job, unless she showns intrest.

Two skills that have been invaluable and don't need to be taught at a school or coollege are English and cooking.

The English for work, social and for your marriage and the cooking so she can cook the foods she loves from home. I have read and know of phills who can't cook or prepare certain dishs. Small thing but Wife took the time to learn of some of her Titas a whole load of dishs and techniques. Now her phill mate who lives round the corner can enjoy dishes she could not cook.
Just read on here how important foods are to phills.

The two of you need to think of not just skills for jobs but skills whic will help her settle in the UK

You have the time to help Marilyn settle make the most of it and you both will reap the rewards.

Gie

5th April 2008, 14:17

Take your time, both of you are still young:)

KeithD

5th April 2008, 15:36

Take your time, both of you are still young:)
:Erm: We can die at anytime.....make the most of now, you may not be here tomorrow.

andypaul

5th April 2008, 17:10

:Erm: We can die at anytime.....make the most of now, you may not be here tomorrow.

Im to worried to order a pizza now what happens if i don't make it:Erm:

Well at least i won't have to pay for it:D

Peanutz

5th April 2008, 17:31

Education is important. Education gives you a more understanding of the world you live in. Education makes you more tollerant to others culture, it makes you understand where we came from, how our old and contemporary society behaves in certain ways and most of all it makes you feel good with yourself.
An educated person is not afraid to have his/her opinion heard. An educated person cannot be put down when he/she stands for his/her rights.
I can give infinite esemplare and all will narrow into one meaning. Education makes you live your life more meaningfully.
The act of love that you are giving your girlfriend is honourable. Helping her to get education will do good not only for herself but for you too. I do admire people like you.
You are not young to get married. All you need to do now is to plan your life with her.
Immediate plan
short term plan
long term plan
These three is all you need to be able to see better of your future with her.
:)Auguri!

KeithD

5th April 2008, 17:51

MP's are educated in public schools, and look at the utter crap they come out with.....

mavid

5th April 2008, 17:53

Indeed! There is nothing wrong with long engagement.

andypaul

5th April 2008, 18:00

MP's are educated in public schools, and look at the utter crap they come out with.....

Gonna say choosing the right education for the indivual is important quite often too.

Met some posh/rich people who had to study this and do this had all the money and went to very good schools. May have even gathered an impressive array of qualfications but still useless.

scott&ligaya

5th April 2008, 18:07

Hi Chino, I did know two couples who are expat/flipina ex bar girl and they have as many ups and downs as most couples but seem on the whole very happy and have been married about 10 and 15 years. . I would say that the girls involved do seem a little more mercenary than most others I know and I suspect that may be just from being conditioned by their previous work.

One thing that does stick out is that when were out with our large group friends in Hong Kong who are xpat/filipina the other girls do seem to freeze them out a bit, I do not even know if they know if they know that they were ex bar girls or they just do not get on.

I suspect that if she is completely removed form the scene and then ends up away from the Phils she may well fit just right in wherever you live as most Filipinas seem naturally charming and make great company and as you say she may be fully commited to not returning to the bar scene.

good luck and I hope it works out for you

Peanutz

5th April 2008, 18:10

MP's are educated in public schools, and look at the utter crap they come out with.....

:NoNo:I think the government needs an overhauling!

andypaul

5th April 2008, 18:13

:NoNo:I think the government needs an overhauling!

Mr Admin and peanutz as the new Co primeminsters

Can i be minster for sport please?

Well i be minster of anything as long as they pay my dry cleaning and sky tv each month:icon_lol:

Peanutz

5th April 2008, 18:39

I will never be a good politician.
I can't lie:D

KeithD

5th April 2008, 18:39

.....long engagement.
Just look at Iraq :rolleyes:

KeithD

5th April 2008, 18:41

I will never be a good politician.
I can't lie:D

Can't you? Right guys.....get the questions ready..."How big are your....:yikes:"

Peanutz

5th April 2008, 18:50

Can't you? Right guys.....get the questions ready..."How big are your....:yikes:"

Hhhmmppp! Can you be more specific?:omg:

:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:

ervenescence

6th April 2008, 11:20

alicat

6th April 2008, 12:50

andypaul

6th April 2008, 13:57

Being educated is not just base on being in a school or having a good degree. Being educated is not only taught at any schools but an individual themselves can educate their own, like having an educated manners or being cultured. Education usually starts at home or how you being raised by your parents. :)

Word to the Evre

My Wife improved her English skills at home with study books, mp3's cds, Watching BBC news and British Films and any other dvds for example BBC programes so she learned English and didn't start writing sidewalk, automobile and color.
If she had gone to a college course in phill most likely she would have learned an american dialect which would have not been so useful in west london.

ervenescence

6th April 2008, 18:57

Word to the Evre

Erve po mister Andy..lol

not Evre :Rasp:

andypaul

6th April 2008, 20:28

Erve po mister Andy..lol

not Evre :Rasp:

Whoops:doh

Its the excitment of the Snow sorry

KeithD

6th April 2008, 20:55

Whoops:doh
Just dropped one eh? :action-smiley-081:

andypaul

6th April 2008, 22:04

Just dropped one eh? :action-smiley-081:

you could smell it over in sunny wales:Erm:

PeterB

12th April 2008, 13:25

I think i will put her though some form of college...

... though their is nothing wrong with a long engagement! :D

As long as you aren't the one to teach her English! :Rasp:

Don't worry too much about the education - Ruby dropped out of college to go and earn money to support her family. She was 23 y/o when we married (almost two months ago!).

aposhark

12th April 2008, 16:55

Hi Chino, a bottle of wine can release emotions that's for sure :)
I have a few thoughts which I hope may help

I don't know if i love her....

They say if you don't know you are in love you are not in love, it is something you can't stop - like a runaway train. This should be the basis for everything.... If everyone were honest they would probably admit that they have made BIG mistakes if a relationship is not based on love

i always think of her but 2 things bug me.. one my family will not approve and two she is not well educated

Isn't it supposed to be about love, which beats EVERY problem?
People make BIG mistakes if love is not the basis of relationship, I know I have. It doesn't matter what her past was, people can change and move on if their new life is important enough to them :rolleyes: As someone mentioned take time................ to think, hope this helps :)

chino

12th April 2008, 17:38

chino

12th April 2008, 17:40

As long as you aren't the one to teach her English! :Rasp:

Yes my english is not the best after a drink or two... :D

Thinking about it my english is not the best any of the time :Rasp:

andypaul

12th April 2008, 18:28

thanks for your comments... shark

We planned on getting married in 2011 so i will stand by her until then... I will then bring her over for 6 months and if all goes to plan i will go back to the PI to marry her.

Blimey you got a flow chart for that:Erm: Only joking that sounds like your doing the right thing only fools rush in and you both need to get to know one another:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Like i wrote before just make sure your mahal understands the dates the Wife and her realtives i notice will go yup yup and then ask me why certain things are happening alittle later:doh

From what my Wife has told me due to the slower pace of life, 2011 seems to be far further away than it is with our hertic scheuldes.

chino

12th April 2008, 21:37

Blimey you got a flow chart for that:Erm: Only joking that sounds like your doing the right thing only fools rush in and you both need to get to know one another:xxgrinning--00xx3:

Like i wrote before just make sure your mahal understands the dates the Wife and her realtives i notice will go yup yup and then ask me why certain things are happening alittle later:doh

From what my Wife has told me due to the slower pace of life, 2011 seems to be far further away than it is with our hertic scheuldes.

Well she wants 2009... i said 2011 and we "worked it out" that 2011 is ok if we get engaged this year. When i get back In Oct i have to go and buy her an engagement ring, i cannot select one as she like yellow gold and i hate yellow gold.

I am not rushing in... i tell you that but i have not told my parents yet but i have a long time to do that plus i don't think i will be in England then.

Piamed

20th April 2008, 18:23

Hi Chino. I agree with so much that has already been said here. I am slightly concerned that you were 'forced' on a date though. No one should be able to force you to do anything.

I think helping her get an education will bring many advantages. Firstly, it gives your lady something to lean on so she does not need to fall back to being a BG. Secondly, there are so many invaluable experience that can be derived from being around others from various backgrounds with with a common vision (e.g. This forum).

I don't think we should judge anyone at all as we are not in their shoes. Sure we can all say she she should not have done that but could have gotten a job in Jollibee or something but we don't know her perception of her options.

I do believe people can over come their pasts to varying degrees.

Many years ago a friend of mine met and dated someone that made Halle Berry look ordinary. For a couple of months he dated this 'model'. She was the epitome of femininity, elegance, grace and charm. It was a real shock when we were all out and bumped into a group of loud girls in the City of London and it turned out his gf worked in a Strip Bar with them.

How he struggled. He now had strong feelings for her and she offered many reasons for why she had hidden her work from him. I never imagined he would be in a relationship with a stripper. By now she was living in his house as she had experienced some money problems. She became his own live-in financial hemorrhage. She went home to Portugal on a modeling contract for 6 months, when she returned she was 3 months pregnant:yikes:

I'm not saying it will happen to you. Just an example.

T

chino

20th April 2008, 22:24

thanks for the info... i have made my mind up.... she did not force me to set a date though she did bring up the idea of marriage... would / will i marry her yes but not for a while.... i will have to see how it goes.

Still in contact daily by phone and booked a flight to see her in Oct plus i get a week in August too :D

David House

28th April 2008, 23:18

As someone who first married at 22 I don't think 25 is at all too young. It depends on whether it is right for you both, age means nothing really. I also don't think anyone should condemn any girl in the Philippines for working in a bar. Indeed some of the nicest, caring and family orientated girls take on this work as the only way they can earn the money they need to help the ones they love. Of course some do it as the easy option, so only you can judge the quality of your partner. I have heard of several very successful marriages when an ex pat met a girl in a bar, took her out and she never went back.

keithAngel

29th April 2008, 03:23

Hhhmmppp! Can you be more specific?:omg:

:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:

Errr Peanuts

chino

7th May 2008, 21:51