Contact with ex-husband

[Ady]

I have just had, what I find, a distressing conversation with my gf. She recently changed her cell phone number, and I asked her if she gave it to her ex (since the annulment only just arrived about 1 month ago). She said yes, she did. So, I was a little taken aback, but I didn't react. She also told me that he called at her workplace on Wednesday (only now she offered this information), asking for some books.

OK, I thought. This is starting to sound a little ominous - but I am not overly opposed to it. She then told me she will give the books to him in September - when he comes around to give her rice. I did start to react to this - but I thought better not talk or reply. Because I am very hurt to be truthful. Because I didn't reply to her - she said I am always like this, that I am always hurting her.

The fact is, I am due to go there in 10 days. My concern is, what if he calls around when I am there. It seems that I have no right to ask this question - because she said she cannot control him. Maybe I am overreacting. It is causing me a lot of hurt. I am pressured enough, but this just adds to it.

I don't think she is being fair to me. I paid her annulment, I give her money every month, but she still leaves open communications to him by giving him her number. She also accepts his rice still. She said she is getting it because we (cough!) had to pay a lot for the annulment.

I am at the end of the road guys. I just don't get this at all. I don't mind too much about having some contact - but still he gives her rice, he still calls at her office. If I wanted books from my ex, I would text her first, or call her. Especially as her office is quite far from where she lives (she lives in Catalunan in Davao, and works in Buhangin). It feels almost as if he is sniffing around waiting for me to arrive (she says he doesn't know about my visit).

[IainBusby]

I have just had, what I find, a distressing conversation with my gf. She recently changed her cell phone number, and I asked her if she gave it to her ex (since the annulment only just arrived about 1 month ago). She said yes, she did. So, I was a little taken aback, but I didn't react. She also told me that he called at her workplace on Wednesday (only now she offered this information), asking for some books.

OK, I thought. This is starting to sound a little ominous - but I am not overly opposed to it. She then told me she will give the books to him in September - when he comes around to give her rice. I did start to react to this - but I thought better not talk or reply. Because I am very hurt to be truthful. Because I didn't reply to her - she said I am always like this, that I am always hurting her.

The fact is, I am due to go there in 10 days. My concern is, what if he calls around when I am there. It seems that I have no right to ask this question - because she said she cannot control him. Maybe I am overreacting. It is causing me a lot of hurt. I am pressured enough, but this just adds to it.

I don't think she is being fair to me. I paid her annulment, I give her money every month, but she still leaves open communications to him by giving him her number. She also accepts his rice still. She said she is getting it because we (cough!) had to pay a lot for the annulment.

I am at the end of the road guys. I just don't get this at all. I don't mind too much about having some contact - but still he gives her rice, he still calls at her office. If I wanted books from my ex, I would text her first, or call her. Especially as her office is quite far from where she lives (she lives in Catalunan in Davao, and works in Buhangin). It feels almost as if he is sniffing around waiting for me to arrive (she says he doesn't know about my visit).

If I were you I would just let her know that you feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation and try to arrange to meet her somewhere else in the Philippines where he will be completely out of the picture, as he really should be in every aspect of her life. This should make her aware how strongly you feel about this.

With regard to the rice, I would tell her that there's no way she should accept rice from him or be beholden to him in any other way. If you are the one who is supporting her, you can send her money for rice.

Iain.

[Ady]

Thanks Iain, good advice. I am sometimes worried I over-react.

I will meet her in her place, she has already said she will not meet me anywhere else in Mindanao (I suppose there are good reasons for this). They are annulled, but I don't fancy being a potential target for a "shake-down".

I just get annoyed sometimes, because she makes me think that I have no right to inquire or ask. She is now fully aware what I feel about this - I will give her a couple of days to stew on it.

[IainBusby]

Thanks Iain, good advice. I am sometimes worried I over-react.

I will meet her in her place, she has already said she will not meet me anywhere else in Mindanao (I suppose there are good reasons for this). They are annulled, but I don't fancy being a potential target for a "shake-down".

I just get annoyed sometimes, because she makes me think that I have no right to inquire or ask. She is now fully aware what I feel about this - I will give her a couple of days to stew on it.

Have you been to her place before? "I don't fancy being a potential target for a "shake-down". I would think this is even more reason to meet her somewhere else. I would send her money for a flight and get her to meet you somewhere like CDO which is generally thought of as safe. Whatever you do, try not to over-react and turn it into an argument, just decide what will make you feel comfortable with the whole situation and tell her, this is what you want.

When I first went to meet my gf, now wife, I was quite worried to say the least, after all I had read about Mindanao and some of the going-on's there so I insisted that she met me in Manila first and we would travel to Mindanao (CDO) together.

I must be honest about this and say that I find this close relationship, association, whatever you want to call it, with her ex quite worrying.

Iain.

[Ady]

It's the first time I have been to her place. He works in Bansalan, and is rarely in Davao. To be honest, she said it is a long time since she saw him last - and that he will text her when he wants to collect his books.

Like I say, their marriage is annulled. I have the papers to prove it, so legally he doesn't have much to go on. I just want to avoid any chance of confrontation with him. I am uncomfortable with him still giving her rice. I don't know how easy it would be to change our plans now (I think it is too late, and she wouldn't do it). I already cancelled my trip in February because her annulment was not yet finalised. I am also unhappy that he could call around at any time to collect his books.

A positive is, she has told me the truth about it. And she says he is happy as long as she is happy. I just find it a little strange that he called into her workplace - almost as if he is finding an excuse to see her.

I would like her to tell him to collect all his belongings (but that may make him think there is a visitor arriving soon).

[KeithD]

Just FEDEX all his stuff when you get there, then he has no reason to call for anything, and have her block his number on the mobile.

If that fails......"If you take him into the woods that day, he'll be in for a big surprise"......I think the song goes....

[IainBusby]

Did you have to pay him off in any way with regard to the annulment? If not maybe he's hoping to bump into you and that if he does you might consider giving him a bung to stay out of the way. If you did pay him off, maybe he's hoping there's more where that came from. I really don't think you need these side issues during your first visit.

Iain.

[Ady]

Cheers boss. That is a good idea too. I don't want them to be enemies, but I don't want them to be bosom pals either. Maybe he is trying to find reasons to find her.

We were planning on staying at her place 1 or 2 nights - maybe it is better if I stay at a hotel in these circumstances.

[Ady]

Did you have to pay him off in any way with regard to the annulment? If not maybe he's hoping to bump into you and that if he does you might consider giving him a bung to stay out of the way. If you did pay him off, maybe he's hoping there's more where that came from. I really don't think you need these side issues during your first visit.

Iain.

Hi Iain,

I didn't have to give him any money for the annulment. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he sees a money making opportunity should he see me there.

[IainBusby]

Cheers boss. That is a good idea too. I don't want them to be enemies, but I don't want them to be bosom pals either. Maybe he is trying to find reasons to find her.

We were planning on staying at her place 1 or 2 nights - maybe it is better if I stay at a hotel in these circumstances.

Good Plan! Stay at a good secure hotel in the centre of the city. If she lives out in the sticks, hire a driver for the day when you go to visit.
Iain.

[Ady]

I think that's what I'll do. As I say, she is annulled, he has no right to her now. He rarely goes to Davao central - she wont be at the office if he calls in the next few weeks. We will be out and about during the day. It's only 2 weeks, and avoiding staying at her place, and staying instead at a hotel, is cautious but necessary.

[Mrs.JMajor]

In 2 weeks ady,but what about the time you gonna go back to UK?So just talk to her seriously,if she serious to your relation she wont do things that can hurt u,just confused me u said u paid her annulment on the first post but on the post 9 "I didn't have to give him any money for the annulment. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he sees a money making opportunity should he see me there."
just confused

[IanB]

I don't get this. I am twice divorced and keep reasonably friendly relations open with both ex wives. Whats the problem?

[andypaul]

Have you been to her place before? "I don't fancy being a potential target for a "shake-down". I would think this is even more reason to meet her somewhere else. I would send her money for a flight and get her to meet you somewhere like CDO which is generally thought of as safe. Whatever you do, try not to over-react and turn it into an argument, just decide what will make you feel comfortable with the whole situation and tell her, this is what you want.

When I first went to meet my gf, now wife, I was quite worried to say the least, after all I had read about Mindanao and some of the going-on's there so I insisted that she met me in Manila first and we would travel to Mindanao (CDO) together.

I must be honest about this and say that I find this close relationship, association, whatever you want to call it, with her ex quite worrying.

Iain.

The naill on the head meet away from her home if possbile or at least for a good deal of the time.

Most likely no problem and just one of those situations with nothing to it.
If the ex husband and hs family have always supplied rice to your wife and family they may feel obliged to still do it. It actually may mean he is trying to be a good ex husband/friend?

But there maybe more to it and is the situation you need to take precautions about imo.

Do bear in mind that news in Phill travels at light speed about strangers turning up.

Another reason is

Although luckily the Wife lived in a very big town (city by phill standards) but i still kept away from the everday food shops/market etc to stop kano tax being add while there and once i leave.

Avoidnace is far better than any confrontation.

I always read blokes on here and other sites saying well im 7 ft tall and 300 lbs of muscle (ok thats only mr admin and me but you know what i mean) the bigger you are the more likely back up or weapons will be involved even if just for their protection and they have no intentions of actually harming you.
We moan about the police in the Uk but for most people in phill the police or everyday proctection for them and their friends is themselves.

But be careful to read into much into the situation do try and get as much information you can and make considered judgements from the facts.
Very easy to turn a harmless issue in to some massive issue if not careful in LDR relationships.

On calling into the workplace possibly he doesn't want to bump into you or your mahals family or friends and her workplace is a safer place for him?

[Geraldine]

Tell her that you are not happy with her being friends with the ex-husband. Why is she still in contact with him? I think you should talk to her about this issue before marrying her. What if she was in your shoes? will she be happy if you were still good friends with your ex-wife?

Whats the reason for their annulment?

[IainBusby]

I don't get this. I am twice divorced and keep reasonably friendly relations open with both ex wives. Whats the problem?

Same with me. But I think things might be different if either your or I had a Filipino ex-husband.

Iain.

[IainBusby]

Tell her that you are not happy with her being friends with the ex-husband. Why is she still in contact with him? I think you should talk to her about this issue before marrying her. What if she was in your shoes? will she be happy if you were still good friends with your ex-wife?

Whats the reason for their annulment?

Do they have children?

[flomike]

hi sorry about your situation I know its really hard to accept the fact that you gave everything to someone then you get a feeling of anxiety. My husband is divorced to his first wife they're not relly good friends but bec of his daughter they have contact only on special occassions and that's all. But for filipinos I can say its not usual an ex's having a contact or constant communication or being friends either (I might be wrong on this one just based on relatives and friends experience, I guess only in Phils showbusiness ex's kiss and make up friendly thingy, imo).

A friendly advice to you is you really need to sit down with her when you get there and you need to open up your feelings about the things that bothered you and things that make you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. I know you have a valid reason to feel bad right now. Good luck and hope you have a good holiday in the Phils bec its a lovely country and people too

[flomike]

I don't get this. I am twice divorced and keep reasonably friendly relations open with both ex wives. Whats the problem?

IMO, western culture is very diff from filipino culture in terms of dealing with ex's.

[andypaul]

Ady you have some great advice here.

One thing many guys do forget is the huge difference between phill and the UK.

Money
Law
attitudes to womens role.
Family structure
Religion
the list could go on

Brits maybe open about there feelings and very liberal in their views, but Phills on the whole aren't.
Many phills also dont like confrontation, my wife finds this all the time at work she will to quickly back down. She knows she needs to change but its not as easy to change a life times worth of infulences in a few months.

My Wife has just as much in common with my Mum 40/50's child brought up in a god fearing house as my sister.

Although many women will know buklas, work and seem very western. The majority will have very different attitudes to relationships with men, the same with the men of the country with regards women and the country as a whole.

A country with asian infulences, catholic infulences, spanish, us and well unique to phill ways of doing things. Nearly every infulence is very different to the ones we are used to as a norm in the UK.
Also the general ecomnic situation means people are often not as free as people in the UK as they have to rely on others far more due to the lack of earning power and the benefit system we have to help soften any blow.

Although she might not want anything to do with the ex husband it maybe she feels its a step to far to cut of all relations if helping her?

[Ady]

Really, thanks for the advice guys and gals.

Jedc, and IanB - I have no problems with her having contact with her ex-husband. I am just a little nervous that he has started showing up in the last few days, and I am due to go there soon. I also didn't know he still supplied her with rice until recently. His family owns a rice plantation, so there is a reason for it maybe. I knew he gave her rice, when we are still fresh in our relationship - but he hardly ever supplied the rice. Now he seems to be providing it - and I wonder if his motive is that he is trying to catch sight of me whilst I am there. I am just concerned that he is thinking that he can get money out of me if he sees me there? Filipinos are not the only ones that avoid confrontation - I am too, I really get depressed even if I argue with a stranger.

IainBusby, they have an adopted daughter. Her parents died, and my gf took care of her. He didn't provide anything for her, he used to support them 1k a month (before I met her, and a little while after). But, and this is where there is a lack of consistency, when I supported them both, she told her (then) estranged husband that she wanted no money from him anymore.

AndyPaul (as always) and Flomike, thanks for the words of support and advice.

Maybe I am getting a little paranoid - because I am set to go there soon, and I am nervous after the David Scott situation, despite the fact they are annulled. I just can't afford to put us at any risk - I have responsibilities in the UK to my parents too. So I have a lot to consider - but I am happy to go there, and I am excited to go there. I just don't want to bump into him at all. After these 2 weeks vacation, we will work harder on a visa application. I am excited and happy about our future. Maybe I am suspicious/paranoid that he starts showing up at her office after a long absence from there, just a short while after they are annulled.

[KeithD]

I've never had a problem with my ex-husband

[keithAngel]

I've never had a problem with my ex-husband

With the martial skills of your missus thats no suprise