is helping your family in PI caused a strain in your relationship.
is helping your family in PI caused a strain in your relationship.
to loved and beloved is the greatest joy on earth...
not really, when we use to help my family out it was my husbands decision to do so. but they were so ungrateful and i told my husband to stop helping.
Most definately and I think it's all a matter of perception. That is to say they widely held perception in Phils that we are all so rich in this country and whatever we send, we could send much more.
I think what also causes this is that there is also a certain amount of guilt by the Filipina's who are married to Brits and live here about this. I think that many think they should scrimp and do without so they can send more and they feel guilty about our (compared to Phils) indulgent and extravagant lifestyle here in the UK. This can lead to friction with a westernised husband who is used to being indulgent when it can be afforded.
Personally, I beleive that the only way round it is to set an affordable amount that you will send per month and stick to it and then when emergency requests come along, they should be considered firstly by affordability and then on merit.
I have read many threads on this forum where people have said they send what I consider huge amounts of money and I think that giving so much just leads to dependancy. Wherever possible you should offer help not support.
Iain.
Very well said IainBusby....
" The people who mean something to your life are not rated "the best" don't have the most money, haven't won the greatest prizes....
They are the ones who care about you, take care of you, those who, no matter what, stay close by... "
Originally Posted by IainBusby
Mench
Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plan to prosper you and not to harm you, plan to give you hope and a future"
if your husband agree to help your family i think there's nothing wrong with thatis helping your family in PI caused a strain in your relationship.
is helping your family in PI caused a strain in your relationship?
To answer ur question based on my own. well i consider it not a "strain " to the fact that its only a matter of "understanding" which i mean esp to the side of your partner. I myself been helping my family itself as I am the eldest among, luckily i don't feel such kind of hardship to let my partner understand it all. I am living with my parents right now with my 3 siblings, i shop goods once in a week mainly foods. I budgeted things wisely, i never used to hand them a cash for no sense thing which anyway they didn't ask for any, enough for them to eat 3 times a day, they never ask me to buy clothes as they are not fancy to whatever, maybe just lil extra for 20peso or any lil stuff but only seldom to happen, only my concern mainly is for FOODS and nothing else. If some emergency occur anyway my husband wiling to help my family esp when it comes to health problem, so far everything is fine.....i didnt ask my husband to send me extra for my family, i was just the one whose trying to save every bits so everybody can do benefits, so its just seem as my husband didint suport them all way through which anyway what i have is already enough to cover all. well then.......i have no problem wth regards to helping them out, its not a strains at all, my husband willing to help without even telling him to do so, he is the one who offer at most only for now we don't need that much. i already set a plan for my family if ever am settled with my husband permanently in uk, i told my husband to give a lil bit each month which he is very willing to do so, i figure out a lil amount for them and stick by it no more no less.....my husband is very close to all of my siblings (all single) and hes no against to hand a lil help in the future for as long it put in the right way.
My 3 siblings ages 23,21,16 didnt ask for any peso to whatever they fancy which is not badly needed, only for some necessity. I tried to disciplined them while still am here, so far everything turns out well...they don't mind if i got some cash, never ask for any, just am so lucky that they are not that so very demanding at all as long as tummy is full ..he he he.
So helping a family is not a strains in a relationship really...........just try to explain your partner rightfully for as long as youll know where the money goes...........
Indeed ... we westerners may be prepared to send what money is left over after we have paid for our own luxuries and put a little bit away for a rainy day. The filipina OFW makes tremendous sacrifices to provide the means for the rest of their family to have a life and an education.
The OFW will put up with hardship and abuse that we have difficulty believing, disregarding their own right to a life.
Hear Hear. If they come to a country like the UK and they're here for long haul, then they ought to build a life for themselves which includes luxuries. Not just scrimp and do without themselves so they can send most off their hard earned back home.
Iain.
A sound approach as far as I can see!!
Be responsible with little so that you can be trusted with much!!
_____________________
I can't do seriousserious question...
Keith - Administrator
It would be a shock if you did!I can't do serious
I think the girls who get married and come to the UK need to make their families back home understand that they are not OFW's, they are wives and they are here primarily to build a new life/family with their husbands. Not that they will forget their families back home, but that must come first.is helping your family in PI caused a strain in your relationship.
Iain.
We support the Wifes Bro and Sis and they think im a slave driver as i insist on good school and uni reports (i.e working to the best of their abilties) It was how i was brought up and although the children of my Wife family are brought up with love and good morals they do lack drive if someone just hands all they need on a silver platter.
I have to say at first I was going to let my wife just spoil her bro and sis but having been so lucky to be brought up by my wise parents who realised spoiling kids can affect them later on I suggested another way.
Every thing they need for good health and education is provided but treats and social things have to be earned though showing they were working hard. Even then the luxury goods would have to be value for money. Also some of the money i should have got for pocket money or birthdays etc was put away for me. (This resulted in me with my own savings buying my first flat outright) I hope to let this happen for my Wifes Bro and Sis and in the future my kids.
The wife at first was soft on them (i dont blame her at all), but now both the Wife and her little siblings see its done to help them have the future they deserve. Both have become far better pupils with out it affecting their wellbeing.
Giving money for the wrong reasons can destroy peoples lifes like others say by making them dependant on the money.
If someone paid me a several grand a week or more it would make me damm lazy as well
I have to stop the Wife sending over silly amounts, firstly we have our own core family needs, then the wife should see the benefits of her own labour and hardwork. Also i think its better to have savings for the normal reasons but in the case of a Phil-uk family as a emgency fund for those events which we all know well
Its a big issue which for us brits particularly people i guess like myself young, no kids with all the members of my family owning propety and doing ok for themselves i basically only had to look after myself.
So needs a lot of thought, discussion with agreement and understanding between all early on.
Well Said.We support the Wifes Bro and Sis and they think im a slave driver as i insist on good school and uni reports (i.e working to the best of their abilties) It was how i was brought up and although the children of my Wife family are brought up with love and good morals they do lack drive if someone just hands all they need on a silver platter.
I have to say at first I was going to let my wife just spoil her bro and sis but having been so lucky to be brought up by my wise parents who realised spoiling kids can affect them later on I suggested another way.
Every thing they need for good health and education is provided but treats and social things have to be earned though showing they were working hard. Even then the luxury goods would have to be value for money. Also some of the money i should have got for pocket money or birthdays etc was put away for me. (This resulted in me with my own savings buying my first flat outright) I hope to let this happen for my Wifes Bro and Sis and in the future my kids.
The wife at first was soft on them (i dont blame her at all), but now both the Wife and her little siblings see its done to help them have the future they deserve. Both have become far better pupils with out it affecting their wellbeing.
Giving money for the wrong reasons can destroy peoples lifes like others say by making them dependant on the money.
If someone paid me a several grand a week or more it would make me damm lazy as well
I have to stop the Wife sending over silly amounts, firstly we have our own core family needs, then the wife should see the benefits of her own labour and hardwork. Also i think its better to have savings for the normal reasons but in the case of a Phil-uk family as a emgency fund for those events which we all know well
Its a big issue which for us brits particularly people i guess like myself young, no kids with all the members of my family owning propety and doing ok for themselves i basically only had to look after myself.
So needs a lot of thought, discussion with agreement and understanding between all early on.
We don't have any problems. My wife sent money before we met and still works. We both contribute to the household budget and she sends money to her parents.
We pay for a niece to go to a private school and have helped brothers and sisters in the past. We do talk about it before we send extra money, but we are lucky that they only ask in a real emergency such as medical problems.
The siblings we have helped will pay what they can for medical bills and sometimes do without telling us until after the event.
I don't mind as they make me so welcome when we visit and did do before we helped out. We know they work hard and don't waste anything, and as they have givn us some land, it;s somewhere to build a house for retirement.
we havent got a problem about this issue with my husband because I really dont wanna ask anything from him to send to my family back home.In fact my Husband dont want me to work but I insist coz as what everybody said in case of emergency we need to send money back home.But the thing there is I have been working hard for them like two years ago in abroad because as the eldest you have the responsibility for your siblings but now that two of my siblings graduated from college and now that I am married its different now my life than what it used to be.before it was alright coz i was single but now I have my family of my own but in my own little ways I dont mind helping them once in a while not often coz as majority said they`ll just think that money in u.k is just somewhere round the road that we`re just picking it and as well the problem with filipino culture is you have as well the so called extended family like your aunties,auncles,dozens of cousins and nieces and nephews and distant relatives never to forget.and you try to explain to them that you are not rich here and that you cant afford helping everybody but they never understand and telling everybody you know that you have change and you become greedy which is not the case.my husband told me that I couldnt become a superwoman to help everybody back home.he knows I have work so hard and yet I am not benefiting the fruit of my labor.i really dont know,sometimes I think it would be better if I go back home so that all of us would be fair and that they couldnt rely on me.I dont mind helping but not often coz life in uk is not a bed of roses
to loved and beloved is the greatest joy on earth...
your husband is now your family... i do understand that you feel obliged to help your family, but you also deserve to save a bit of what you earn for yourself. you are too good to your family but they have to also understand that you have a different life now. helping your parents is understandable but not aunts and uncles too.we havent got a problem about this issue with my husband because I really dont wanna ask anything from him to send to my family back home.In fact my Husband dont want me to work but I insist coz as what everybody said in case of emergency we need to send money back home.But the thing there is I have been working hard for them like two years ago in abroad because as the eldest you have the responsibility for your siblings but now that two of my siblings graduated from college and now that I am married its different now my life than what it used to be.before it was alright coz i was single but now I have my family of my own but in my own little ways I dont mind helping them once in a while not often coz as majority said they`ll just think that money in u.k is just somewhere round the road that we`re just picking it and as well the problem with filipino culture is you have as well the so called extended family like your aunties,auncles,dozens of cousins and nieces and nephews and distant relatives never to forget.and you try to explain to them that you are not rich here and that you cant afford helping everybody but they never understand and telling everybody you know that you have change and you become greedy which is not the case.my husband told me that I couldnt become a superwoman to help everybody back home.he knows I have work so hard and yet I am not benefiting the fruit of my labor.i really dont know,sometimes I think it would be better if I go back home so that all of us would be fair and that they couldnt rely on me.I dont mind helping but not often coz life in uk is not a bed of roses
Word
How are you helping them by making them reliant on hand outs?
Its tough at first but if they really love and respect you they will not need or want your money just your love and respect back.
theres a thin line between helping and making them rely on us for their needs. helping is just giving when they really really need it, supporting is kinda like a monthly thing. you must also understand that its not a matter of wanting money, they really NEED it, life in the PI can be hard for our folks. what i am saying is helping our parents is ok but not the extended family, filipinas will always help the parents, thats just the way we are. but we should also realize when to stop, we filipinas married to brits should not put our family here in a position where we don't have money for our own needs.
Life in the UK is now hard for 100,000's and it is going to get worse with another 10%+ increase in fuel in 2-3 months. Will the Phil families be supporting us?
Keith - Administrator
We send support now on a monthly basis because my father in law is retired and gets only a very small pension of P2000 per month. We send P5000 a month which is more than my wife was able to contribute to the family when she was still in Phils and working full time and yes, they do really need it.
We have sent this money consistently since my wife arrival in the UK whether my wife was working or not. I think it's important not to set the bar too high so that the money you send is always affordable through both good times and bad. If you set the bar too high and then can't afford to send that much at any given time, it could leave them in trouble if they tend to live according to their means completely, as many in Phils tend to do when they are being supported from overseas.
Take in to account that neither she or her daughter have to be fed and clothed etc from the amount we send as they did when they were still in Phils, it means they are certainly better off than they were before, but I'm sure they're no where near as well off as they expected to be with a daughter married and living in the UK. That totally unrealistic perception of western wealth again!
Besides this my wife's sister who works in Bahrain sends a minimum of P2000 per month and my father in law gets a few odd jobs here and there. We also send extra money, maybe P10 or P15K at Christmas etc and although I don't normally see it, I'm sure there are quite a few twenty pound notes slipped into the various bithday and greetings cards etc.
We used to send the money, P30,000 every six months, but I got annoyed recently when we were told her mother didn't have enough money to see the doctor (P500). The reason I was annoyed is because this was in July and we weren't due to send more money until October and we had already sent an extra P15,000 earlier in July so she could have an operation.
This money we send is to support only my mother in law, my father in law and my sister in law who is unemployed and I know that they live a very simple life there which I'm sure the money we send and their other income can adequately support.
I suspect that the reason the money ran out well before we were due to send more is because the extended family always come to them first for every family emergency because they know that their daughter is married to a Brit and is living in the UK. We have decided therefore from now on, although it will cost us more money to do it this way, that we will send on a monthly basis, so that they will only have the money they need to last the month and no large amounts to spare for extended family emergencies.
Iain.
One thing I notice is that if you give money to pay of debts, the beneficiary is likely to go and borrow more money!
it gets on my nerves really...everytime I phoned my family back home not a single conversation without telling me about my relatives problemsI send money to my parents seldomly but my parents siblings thought that my family in PI`s in luxurious condition coz am here in u.k.Mom tried to explain to them that we`re not living in a harmonious lifestyle in u.k but its too hard to explain to them specially if they not bother to understand.they just want to ask for money.I tried to explain to mom not to give any money but she just sulk and telling me that I shouldnt worry coz she not give my money away to them but she`s giving my fathers salary to them which is not fair for my father
to loved and beloved is the greatest joy on earth...
if thats the case then filipino families will suffer as wellLife in the UK is now hard for 100,000's and it is going to get worse with another 10%+ increase in fuel in 2-3 months. Will the Phil families be supporting us?
to loved and beloved is the greatest joy on earth...
I was agreeing but adding that hand outs for those who could and should work is unfair on them and your actually disadvantaging them. As what happens if god forbid you cant support them any more?
Any family member in real need of assitance and parents/grandparents in their later years in either phill or the Uk i think most brit/phill people would want to help and support in helping them as they helped you.
Many brits have also to support elderly family in the Uk which should also be taken in to account. Many were banking on their houses bank rolling their extra care which looks very unlikely in the near future.
i really think that the problem is our relatives back home, once we get here or anywhere abroad they tend to be wanting more.
and to answer your question, if we can no longer afford to help it has to stop. and they just have to live life like they use to, they have managed before i am certain they will also mnage without help from us. since i stopped sending money to my mother they seem to be doing ok, i felt actually exploited by her, demanding money and more money, so i decided to just stop helping, and to be honest i feel relieved, now my son gets everything he wants and my husband has more money in his pocket
hi mrs daddy how r u na?
just read ur post now been busy preparing for my baby's christening
u have ur life now, its ok to help but u have to consider and prioritize ur family now. sometimes we just have to make tough decisions and sacrifices that will benefits all. Be happy always
I know how it feels being the eldest among 5 siblings. After I finish my schooling I really need to find a job right away bec I can feel the pressure already that its pay back time (though I feel really disappointed and my parents when I did not pass my nursing board exam) but thank goodness I managed to get a private carer job in a rich family in Phils so even I am there I gave 70% of my wages to my parents so basically nothing much left on my money.
When I get a job offer here in UK my parents is very happy and my entire family bec everyone will benefited on the fortune I am going to earn herewhat I said before that I am sending my family £300/month for 2 years but since I am beginning to feel the pressure on the mortgage I am paying in Phils as well I decided to cut half of the amount I am sending recently (which they're not very happy about it) but I have to do it bec I feel that my other siblings are beginning to become a parasite. For sure when I go home again next year I am billy no mate
i think we (filipinoes abroad) all share that burden of helping our family back home. its a culture that we all cant escapre, i guess.
my husband doesnt mind me doing it as long as its my own money. by that, he means my salary. he doesnt mind paying for evrything here but if i want to send money back home, i have to work. fair enough.. i dont complain. its the best arrangement, there is.
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