In case you've never seen him, Steven Wright is an American stand up comedian who delivers all his jokes as a series of absolutely dead pan no expression statements. So imagine these statements being made in a quiet, almost monotone delivery ...
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."

"My friend Bill is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark `til he was eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is travelling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said "I don't know". I said "I don't want your job".

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I lost a button hole today."

"I collect rare photographs...I have two...One of Houdini locking his keys in his car...the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping...I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."

"When I was a child...We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...I was an only child....eventually"

"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears...I think George is weird, because he has false teeth...with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk."

"Bill and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

"He was a multi-millionaire...Wanna know how he made all of his money? ...He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."

"I bought some batteries...but they weren't included...so I had to buy them again..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building...I turned it...and the whole building started up....So I drove it around....A policeman stopped me for going too fast...He said, 'Where do you live?'...I said, 'Right here'...Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me."...I said, "I can't call everyone I want...my new phone has no 'five' on it."...He said, "How long have you had it?"...I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."

"I have a map of the United States....it's original size...it says one mile equals one mile."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me are furious!

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said "the whole time".

One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

Four years ago.....no, it was yesterday.

I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building - on the ledge... Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!

(Ad he did for a local student radio station Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this -everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?