Your dog has died...

[nigel]

A wealthy businessman returns from his luxury cruise holiday only to be greeted by his butler, who has some bad news.
Butler:Sir, your dog has died.
Businessman:Waaaa waaa waaamy dog has died how did my dog die?
Butler:It got run down by a car, as it ran from your burning mansion.
Businessman: Waaa waaa waaa my mansion has burned down, how did my mansion burn?
Butler: It got set on fire from the flames from your ferrari.
Businessman: Waaa waa waaa my ferrari has burned! my dog has died! my mansion got burned!You could have broke the news to more gently, you could have said "One day your dog was happily walking along, and then suddenly..." and what am I supposed to tell my mother?
Butler: Oh yes, about your mother, "One day she was happily walking along, and then suddenly..."
Businessman: Waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[nigel]

Have you heard about these new "emo" lawns you can get? - They cut themsleves!




Did you hear about the man who had five willys? - His condom fits like a glove!

[nigel]

A wealthy businessman calls home and his maid answers the phone "Can I speak to my wife?" the man asks. "No, I must tell you, your wife is in bed having sex with another man!!" The businessman says "Whaaaat? I want you to take the gun from my desk drawer, shoot them both dead and I'll give you a million pounds!!"
The maid agrees and two shots are heard!! The maid comes back to the phone and says "What shall I do with the bodies?" The businessman says "Dump them in the swimming pool!!" The maid says "But we don't have a swimming pool!?" He says "**** I've got the wrong number!!"