marriage on the rocks!!!

[angelbird]

hi i dont know what to do anymore. ive been married 2 months and already things have deteriorated so far i'm losing hope. all i want to do is to start my wifes visa application,the problem is she says her harddrive was faulty and has got a new one....that means all our emails,chats are lost forever!!! since i got bck to the uk from marring her in june she has completly changed. she is uninterested in discussing any future plans and has even got aggresive with money requests. she frequently tells me she hates me and ignores calls,emails txts and offline msgs. i know about tampo's but it seems hate has replaced any love...im even wondering if shes a scammer!

[Eljohno]

I am real sorry things have turned out this way for you, how long did you know her before you got married? This is the first case i have heard of like this to be honest. If she is a scammer i wonder why she never waited until she got to the uk before getting on like she is now...

[angelbird]

we've know each other since may 05. i'm shocked,i've never known a personality change as quickly.believe me when i say i have given her every benefit of the doubt,i have blamed myself,given her space you name it ive tried it. my only theory is that she KNOWS she wont ever get a visa? she lives by this notion of revenge which to the everyday uk guy is alien to us especially with regards to a wife or gf. i was taught to kiss and make up! is this yet another filipina thing i did'nt know about?

[baboyako]

buy her a house or something. get her something to occupy her time..

[angelbird]

thats an unhelpful suggestion but cheers anyway.

[Eljohno]

thats an unhelpful suggestion but cheers anyway.

I agree with you Angelbird as the last thing you want to do if you are in fact being scammed is to buy her anything else. If she has in fact scammed you then you need to try and get out of this mess when possible mate. If you want someone to talk to then send me a personal message.

John

[ginapeterb]

hi i dont know what to do anymore. ive been married 2 months and already things have deteriorated so far i'm losing hope. all i want to do is to start my wifes visa application,the problem is she says her harddrive was faulty and has got a new one....that means all our emails,chats are lost forever!!! since i got bck to the uk from marring her in june she has completly changed. she is uninterested in discussing any future plans and has even got aggresive with money requests. she frequently tells me she hates me and ignores calls,emails txts and offline msgs. i know about tampo's but it seems hate has replaced any love...im even wondering if shes a scammer!

Boboyako...that was unhelpful to the guys predicament, its not helpful to make comments like that, when the guy doesnt know where he stands, anyway, back to the guy who made this post.

I am sorry to hear what you had to say about your wife, sadly, this is not the first time I hear things like this, its a pattern of behaviour that some Filipinas go through, when there agendas have changed, its hard for me to say this to you, but your wife had an agenda when she met you, it appears to me. that there is a likelihood that your wife's agenda was to spin you on your axis to see which way you will tilt ?

What do I mean by this ?

You say she is loosing interest, she doesnt have a Filipino boyfreind in the background does she ? ( it sounds like it to me), if she is blocking you with crap. such as the hard drive has broken and she had to get a new one, take that with a pinch of salt, a filipina wont spend money on a hard drive, she would rather spend it on a bracelet or a ring, or some other item of jewelry, if a Filipina cant spend it, ride in it, sleep on it, eat it, live in it, or wear it, she aint interested in it.

You say she is getting aggressive in money requests, thats not a good sign, if she gets aggressive, the more you resist, the more she will hate you, somtimes Filipinas can get quite aggresive when things are not going there way, especiallywhen they need money, so many of them have financial agenda's the agenda is a set of priorities that they have, and sadly, you are low on the list my freind, probably down at the bottom, along with the vet bill for the sick caribou.

If she is ignoring your phone calls, texts, offliners, she is reading them for sure, she is displeased with you for some reason, they do this, by blanking you out, when you have displeased them, this could last for hours, but mainly it lasts for days, or a week, at least, and your last comment says it all... " Im even thinking that she is a scammer"

Ive never known a member of this forum use that comment ever, sometimes when you say things like that, you have already made your own assesment of whats goingon, maybe there are things you are not telling us, such as other background information, I would like to help you in this, but you have to come clean a bit more about what is going on, to get inside your wifes head is hard without the full information, fortunately all Filipinas are pre-programmed into certain behavioural traits that are easy to remedy, if you know what to look for and how to deal with it.

My suggestion is that if you can afford it, tell her you are booking on the next flight out to see her, and resolve the situation, but dont threaten it, do it !, if budgets dont allow for that, then try to speak to her, if she blanks you, ask her why is she behaving like this, and if you get repeated requests for money, dont entertain them, when she is being rude to you, tell her, there will be no more money in the short term, and stick to it, dont be taken for a fool, if you do send money, and she is rude to you, she will only laugh at you, and call you a stupid foreigner, dont give her the satisfaction, if a guy tells me ..he thinks his wife might be a scammer, his gut instinct is normally right, none of the guys on this forum have to put up with a Filipino wife who is like that, I have this sneaking suspicion in the back of my mind that she doesnt want to be with you, ( she might have another), it just fits a certain profile. dont ask me why, I have a feeling about this lady.

Try and spell out the timeline of your relationship here at the forum, I might be able to advise more if I know the timeline.

Best of luck

Pete

[baboyako]

Well 2 blokes who seem to think they know how a womens mind works...

Personally I think 90% of the problem is with you - assuming your wife is a scammer because she wants a new hard disk (50quid?) says a great deal to me.

Look at it from her perspective. Just because she'd prefer the 800quid rather than a trip to see her doesn't make her a scammer.

My inlaws are HORRIFIED on the amount of money I spend on flights, hotels (beer haha). please remember the phil is a poor country, and you are a rich man.

[angelbird]

im a working man my friend....ive spent a total of 4 months in ph this year + the wedding ect...to finance this i have let my property out and quit my job to find the time!

the point about the hard drive isnt a financial one..that hard drive represents our HISTORY which will be needed to get her a spousal visa!

ive been and stayed with my wifes family in mindanao....trust me i know the poverty is rampant. her pasay appartment aint much better too!

i think you are having difficulty reading and understanding maybe u should lay off the grog and send the dough to the street kids!

[Eljohno]

Ok guys no need to turn this into a slagging match, i am sure in the end you will do the right thing but as Pete says only you know all the facts and we are only giving our views on what we know

[Doc898]

My inlaws are HORRIFIED on the amount of money I spend on flights, hotels (beer haha). please remember the phil is a poor country, and you are a rich man.

My english husband knows how my mind works because im not hiding anything from him. He can definitely read my mind!
Philippines might be a poor country but also just to inform you that there are some rich families living here as well. It just so happened that maybe you met someone from a less fortunate family,that's why they're horrified how you're spending money.My parents were happy that my husband is spending so much money for me(flights,gifts,wedding) which only means he's responsible and can take care of me like my parents did,even if i can also support myself from my own income. We're just lucky,i guess!

[baboyako]

please wake up - you do not need chat logs to get a visa.

rather than concentrating on your agenda of shipping her over here - listen to what your wife is asking for, and maybe what her expectations were of the marriage.

I think it's time one of the girls on the forum chipped in... certainly this girl is NO scammer.

& yes, the inlaws have given me more than an earful about being a lasing husband.

[Eljohno]

please wake up - you do not need chat logs to get a visa.

rather than concentrating on your agenda of shipping her over here - listen to what your wife is asking for, and maybe what her expectations were of the marriage.

I think it's time one of the girls on the forum chipped in... certainly this girl is NO scammer.

& yes, the inlaws have given me more than an earful about being a lasing husband.

How can you be so certain that she is not a scammer.

My wife read the post and thinks she might be also.

You are forgetting that it was Angelbird who made the statement and he knows alot more about the situation..

[angelbird]

when your wife asks you to send 500peso for a blood test to confirm that she's not preggy so she can safely start taking slimming pills in order to "make the money that im not sending her"...alarm bells start to sound! ive sent her £300 this month already...maybe shes just dramatic,hormonal or just plain bad? all i know is this is out of character and not the girl i married.

[baboyako]

when your wife asks you to send 500peso for a blood test to confirm that she's not preggy so she can safely start taking slimming pills in order to "make the money that im not sending her"...alarm bells start to sound! ive sent her £300 this month already...maybe shes just dramatic,hormonal or just plain bad? all i know is this is out of character and not the girl i married.

depends what she's spending the money on.

mine has had a magic sing (11,000), motorola v3 pink(9,500), wanted to see her sister in cebu (5,000), then money to fly back (10,000). all in the past week & she still tells me I'm mean because I've not bought her a honda jazz.

I think her 500peso request is typical woman drama.

[angelbird]

i understand your relationship is different from mine. i've always made it 100% clear to her that the real finacial reward will be when she is over here and we become a united finacial unit. working together for our families and our future. she is 27 a single mum(although her parents take care of him in mindanao).so she has survived all those years without my support and she can survive on what i send her now. she also has a v3 and a nice hp laptop ect... but she must live according to her means. she has told me that she is worse off financially since she met me...unfortunatly that poses more questions than it answers?

[angelbird]

im about to sell a porsche 944 on ebay...might buy the wife a scooter

[KeithD]

I think her 500peso request is typical woman drama.

So your wife often has blood tests then!

[angelbird]

well its the first blood test i know about lol!!! anyway ive already asked her if she is or was a GRO

she missed a period so she thinks she might be preggy,although a test proved negative. thats why she wants a blood test apparently.

[ginapeterb]

when your wife asks you to send 500peso for a blood test to confirm that she's not preggy so she can safely start taking slimming pills in order to "make the money that im not sending her"...alarm bells start to sound! ive sent her £300 this month already...maybe shes just dramatic,hormonal or just plain bad? all i know is this is out of character and not the girl i married.

£300.00 is more than enough, dont send anymore, I dont know what the P500.00 is all about, for a blood test, whats this crap she is talking about ? well you know your wife better than anyone here, if its out of character, youre the best judge of that, and as for Boboyako, I dont think youre helping with your posts, but then again, its a free country, well almost, I suppose you are entitled to your opinion,

" Oh Lord please ask my British hubby to buy me a Mercedes Benz " my freinds all have porches, I must make amends !"

[CaptainSmirk]

when your wife asks you to send 500peso for a blood test to confirm that she's not preggy so she can safely start taking slimming pills in order to "make the money that im not sending her"...alarm bells start to sound! ive sent her £300 this month already...maybe shes just dramatic,hormonal or just plain bad? all i know is this is out of character and not the girl i married.

sorry to butt in...

but I am a Filipina too and such actions (the girl's asking money etc) make me cringe! and somehow dislikes it when negative generalizations are drawn just because of one person's actions...

from the looks of it, yes...she is scamming you...

i'd like to believe that genuine love transcends all barriers - thus, it should not be equated with how much or how less money you are able to send her...

being idealistic yes.

realistically...and we all know that...that many women (not just Filipinas) tend to look at the brighter future (the money is greener on the other side of the ocean)...

if genuine love is what you are after (the kind that will last) then listen to your heart and gut-feel...a woman asking money and then sulking if not given any isn't gonna last there for you "for better or for worse"

just my 2 centavos!

[baboyako]

" she frequently tells me she hates me and ignores calls,emails txts and offline msgs"

scammer? or a typical female?

[Eljohno]

" she frequently tells me she hates me and ignores calls,emails txts and offline msgs"

scammer? or a typical female?

I would not say that is behaviour of a typical female and to be saying theses things within a month or so of getting married surely is very unusual..

Why would she want to ignore her new husband so soon after getting married?

[KeithD]

To be honest, I'd just ignore her. Let her come to you.

[remee_milano]

I’m so sorry to hear that. Obviously she is indeed a scammer… All she wants is your GBP my friend. A typical (old fashiond) filipina isn’t like that, I agree with what Moderator Pete has said. “fortunately all Filipinas are pre-programmed into certain behavioural traits that are easy to remedy, if you know what to look for and how to deal with it.”


“…she also has a v3 and a nice hp laptop ect... but she must live according to her means. she has told me that she is worse off financially since she met me...unfortunately that poses more questions than it answers?..” Where does she work? An ordinary employee earns P6,000-P10000.00/month (provincial areas) where did she get those things? Not unless she works in call center which pays up to P25000 monthly, but still Laptop & v3 cost fortunes. Maybe she has foreigner boyfriend(s) who sends her money too (evidently, she succeeded on trapping you guys)

P30000!!! That’s too much what will she do with that? Ah yeah a nice motorcycle costs P25,000. a high end celphone is P17,000. Hair rebond P4,000. bags, shoes.. oh she got plenty of things in her mind my friend. Plenty of “Luho” Don’t buy it!

Trust your instinct

[ginapeterb]

Remee_ Milano

she sounds bilmoko di ba !

and Angelbird, you seem to have ignored my advice to spell out your timeline in your relationship, do you want help ? or is something else going on that you havent told us, you dont seem distraught enough, over your wife's alledged behaviour, if it was Rob, or Keith or John or Me, trust me, we would be all trying to get to the bottom of it, if your wife is behaving like this now, its unlikely you are going for a visa are you ? I would have said, your next stop is the Family Court !, ( i.e. Divorce court), can I ask you ! are you trolling our site, cos you dont seem to me like a guy whose marriage is on the rocks, your light hearted posts, are not convincing me, I may be wrong
but I have a feeling about you as well.

Oh well as always Pete tells it as it is...

[angelbird]

i'm sorry but i guess im numb,this fighting has been going on since we got bck from our honeymoon (july2). my marriage is indeed on the rocks pete. and i sensed this months ago. when i returned from ph my wife made zero effort to contact me. she said her internet connection was not paid,i know it was because i paid it while i was there! or at least gave her the money to pay the bill. at this time i discovered this very site while searching for info about the visa application. i posted a question on this matter. during this time my wife even refused to walk 5 mins to an internet cafe so of course ive been worried since late july untill now. the timeline is as follows,we met in late may 05 and i went to meet her in makati dec-feb, and then went bck in june and we married june 21(midsummers day). i arrived bck in the uk july 24.

pete i really do want advise thats why i posted my concerns, what i want most is my loving wife rea bck to her old self again,her change in attitude might well be something i'm doing or not doing? but i do know hatred and cruelty and boy is she putting me through the mill. we've had blazing ugly fights where ive questioned her about her past,does she have a philipino bf ,is she playing me ect.. i've basically asked her most of the things you mentioned.

how hard can i push her on this scamming issue? wot happens if she is genuine but just scared of the the move to the uk? i dont want to break her heart.....but she is breaking mine and i think she knows that too.

i'm selling my car to finance a visit, i will be there to submit her visa application with her....thats all i can do.i can only pray that she is really true to me.

[mupsuit]

I feel sadden that you have encountered such difficulty and it will take a wiser head than mine to be sure of offering the 'correct' advice


My suggestion is that you draw the line now

1) No more support money .............. why ....you are using all your funds to set up her new home in UK

The only money I sent my wife at the same stage was for a) the visa application and b) once approved for her plane ticket - it was four months(+/-) from wedding to arrival in UK

2) No trip by you 'to be there when the visa application is made' - money needed for Point 1 ... Any help needed for the application can be done from here

You can get excellent advice from Pete and the forum generally on any aspect of the visa process and this can be done from the UK

See British Embassy Manila web site TODAY and send out the required supporting documents by courier TOMORROW -

Rationale for the firm stance : This will show your wife that everything is being done in the interest of her joining you in the UK. It should give her confidence in your future together as you are showing leadership in domestic affairs with the focus on the new family life together.

You do however need to take charge over the situation, regain the initiative - (she has that at the moment and you are responding on her terms) and steer your marriage in a positive direction

I think, from your posts, that you are smart enough to extend the thought process behind my comments and how they bear upon your situation

Good luck you are not facing an easy choice - keep posting as am sure you will get the advice that best suits your situation

[ginapeterb]

i'm sorry but i guess im numb,this fighting has been going on since we got bck from our honeymoon (july2). my marriage is indeed on the rocks pete. and i sensed this months ago. when i returned from ph my wife made zero effort to contact me. she said her internet connection was not paid,i know it was because i paid it while i was there! or at least gave her the money to pay the bill. at this time i discovered this very site while searching for info about the visa application. i posted a question on this matter. during this time my wife even refused to walk 5 mins to an internet cafe so of course ive been worried since late july untill now. the timeline is as follows,we met in late may 05 and i went to meet her in makati dec-feb, and then went bck in june and we married june 21(midsummers day). i arrived bck in the uk july 24.

pete i really do want advise thats why i posted my concerns, what i want most is my loving wife rea bck to her old self again,her change in attitude might well be something i'm doing or not doing? but i do know hatred and cruelty and boy is she putting me through the mill. we've had blazing ugly fights where ive questioned her about her past,does she have a philipino bf ,is she playing me ect.. i've basically asked her most of the things you mentioned.

how hard can i push her on this scamming issue? wot happens if she is genuine but just scared of the the move to the uk? i dont want to break her heart.....but she is breaking mine and i think she knows that too.

i'm selling my car to finance a visit, i will be there to submit her visa application with her....thats all i can do.i can only pray that she is really true to me.

Angelbird,

Its good that you decided to respond to the background of your relationship with this woman, i might have been a bit harsh on you, so sorry for that, I just wanted to test your resolve, in this matter.

Marriages dont go on the rocks after the honeymoon if the relationship is 100 per cent genuine and dare I say it, based on a desire to be together, I Filpina in love is not going to play all these games, a genuine Filipina who wants to be with you cos she worships the ground you walk on, is not going to behave in this manner thats point number 1.

I know of at least 50 British-Filipino happily married couples, and I don't hear stories like this, apart from the usual marital disagreements that all couples have, regardless of being mixed race marriages, the problem with meeting someone on a text based environment, is this is one of the resulting fallouts from an ill conceived relationship where one party is not genuinely committed.

Now from what you have said, your wife appears to me, to have had a pre-planned agenda even before you relationship started, I assume you met her on the net, her pre-planned agenda is now revealing itself to you, now that it is time for her to apply for the visa, if she started this tantrumming and no contacting behaviour just after you got back from the honeymoon, then it appears to me, she knows the writing is on the wall, and now its time to go to UK, if she never planned to come to UK, thats why she is behaving like this, I would assume and again its speculation on her behaviour, that she was hoping that you would be the Golden Goose for her, the fact that she has gone through a Philippine marriage ceremony suprises me, as she cannot dissolve this marriage in the Philippines, so that puzzles me somewhat ? having said that stranger things have happened, sometimes the wife arrives in the foreign country, and then after a couple of months makes your life hell, and ends up persuading you to send her back, cos she doesnt want to be with you, most Filiipinas go through a period of chronic homesickness, but in all cases where there is much love for her husband, she will stand it, until she gets over it, and gets a life in the foreign country.

In your case She has not got to that stage as yet, she may have the jitters about moving to another country, or she may have confessed to friends that she doesnt want to leave her life, and now it is dawning on her she has to do that, this may be her defence mechanism kicking in, by being hateful and rude to you, the behaviour to you I suspect is a bi-product of her state of mind, she could just be in the marriage with you, for financial support, I know of another case, where the couple are not together in his country after 2 years of marriage, what they are up to...and what is going through their minds I can only speculate, she might have thought that she can get obviously sustento from you, there could be a multitude of reasons why she is behaving this way, to be honest, I am not a Filipina Psychiatrist, but every thing they do and everything they say, follows some sort of personal agenda they have worked out, there is always a reason why they behave like this, you just need to get to the bottom of it, and get it out in the open, if you are lucky, one of her freinds will contact you and tell you.

solutions ?

Firstly I would not finance any application for a visa until this is sorted out, one way or the other, I can see your sincerity and you just want that nice loving wife you had in July, it could be though, that this lady was putting on an act during that time, and she is not the nice loving wife you thought, however, I would persist in your contact, try to get to speak to her, and say that her behaviour is not natural, and that any problem she has must be sorted out first, if she will not respond, I have to say there is little you can do to make her !

Sometimes time is the key and patience with her, may result in her coming back to you on the phone, or the net, and apologizing, she might then open up and tell you what her fears, or problem is, if she starts talking about money that can remedy her problem, forget it, she has shown her true colours, most of the Filipinas on this forum will tell you, she is a pure Gold digger, if she is rude to you, and then expects money to be sent, i.e. remittances, personally knowing myself, i would tell her to get ass out and get a job, if she wants money, I would then say this " Loving wifes who want husband support, are not rude, and can be contacted" stand your ground with her, be supportive, and understanding, but use empathy, and be firm, all this tittle tattle about, internet not beingh paid la di dah di dah, is absolute crap, if she wanted to talk to her husband, she would find a way, she can get to an internet cafe, so whats her problem,

I dont have all the answers you are looking for, the only thing that might help, is time, but no one anywhere can tell you what to do, its your decision, Im sure in time you will make the right one for you.

Best wishes

[KeithD]

Have you talked to her mother?