marriage on the rocks!!!

[Doc898]

hi i dont know what to do anymore. ive been married 2 months and already things have deteriorated so far i'm losing hope. all i want to do is to start my wifes visa application,the problem is she says her harddrive was faulty and has got a new one....that means all our emails,chats are lost forever!!! since i got bck to the uk from marring her in june she has completly changed. she is uninterested in discussing any future plans and has even got aggresive with money requests. she frequently tells me she hates me and ignores calls,emails txts and offline msgs. i know about tampo's but it seems hate has replaced any love...im even wondering if shes a scammer!

Whoa! Im sorry to hear that...sounds like she found someone else..I agree to what peter have said. It's bizarre how she just changed like that after you just got married! You mentioned she's a single mum...is she a responsible mother? Does she look after her child? How does she support him/her? Are you supporting her child as well?Do you know why the biological father left her? I don't think she's being reasonable. From a woman's point of view,i think she's only using you to satisfy her wants..not needs! It's not worth selling your stuffs just for her. Ask her why she's being nasty. If it's because your proofs of relationship has been washed away by a "faulty harddrive", doesn't mean her little horns will suddenly grow like mad. It simply means,you're off...she's on to her next one..Please open your eyes WIDE!!
Sorry angelbird,im just being carried away! I don't like it when things like that happen to a "so-called-happy-and-loving" relationship that you thought it would be. She's not worth coming to the UK. That's all!

And oh,maybe it's worth reading that article under Help and Advise- Discussion on the grounds of Legal Annulment.

Kidding aside,I hope what's happening now between you and your wife will just be a bad dream. I wish you goodluck and hope everything will turn out well soon. Just Pray.

[jeida]

hi i dont know what to do anymore. ive been married 2 months and already things have deteriorated so far i'm losing hope. all i want to do is to start my wifes visa application,the problem is she says her harddrive was faulty and has got a new one....that means all our emails,chats are lost forever!!! since i got bck to the uk from marring her in june she has completly changed. she is uninterested in discussing any future plans and has even got aggresive with money requests. she frequently tells me she hates me and ignores calls,emails txts and offline msgs. i know about tampo's but it seems hate has replaced any love...im even wondering if shes a scammer!

I feel so sorry to what happened to your marriage life angelbird and its very sad it turned out that way. Im a filipina girl who just got married to my everloving british hubby and thank God we are so much ok. I know you just wanted to be with your wife as its very hard being far apart from the one you love. Did she already attend pre-departure seminar in SMEF-COW? What if she got scared or brainwashed on what she saw on the seminar (documentary film)? But i think its not a valid reason why she is acting that way. Why dont you talk to her and ask her whats wrong why she is acting that way.

Hope everything between you and your wife will be fine. Godbless you

[baboyako]

i think that may be a good point

has she be brainwashed about the dungeon you've built for her?

[KeithD]

I think Baboyako's 'Senior Member' status has resulted in Alzeimhers!!

[angelbird]

id like to thank everyone for their knowledgeable advise and comments. i guess only time will tell. i've made the decision to delete my yahoo messenger ID so at least she can no longer control the main means of our communication. i'll just email her daily and see what sort of response i get. i expect a major tampo because she loves to chat,even on a heated argument basis. obviously this move will answer no questions as to her change of attitude but it will help me cope with the possibility that she is just playin me for a fool.

ive decided not to visit her again (at least before visa decision is made), besides if she does have a filipino boyfriend or online boyfriends i would still never find that out just because i was there with her. even mentioning her past makes her crazy,the last time i did she packed her bags and went bck to pasay leaving me in makati...she's just not an open person. her friend says she will tell me all about her past in her own time. so i guess i'll have to blindly trust her to open up to me eventually.

i'm still madly inlove with rea and want her here as my wife more than anything in the world and i intend to live my life as a man simply waiting for his girl to join him. with that spirit in mind iv'e decided to send her money and compile wotever documents i need to send for the visa application ASAP.

maybe this is what she wanted/expected me to do all along,perhaps this is the real reason behind her attitude change? in any event i'll have to trust that she does actually apply. i think in our case,given our situation a less than perfect application (scanty evidence ect...) is better than a delayed one? i would much rather be posting questions about how to remedy a failed application with her by my side than discussing my marriage dissapearing down the *****er.

once again cheers to everyone......even baboyako for the light releif.

[russ01539]

Angelbird.

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through now, but just remember 'there's always sunshine after rain'.

I hope everything works out for you on this. I have read the whole discussion and think you've come to to pretty good solutions to deal with your problem.

Good luck and take care.

PS. If I were you I'd flog the Porsche and get yourself an MR2 GT2 import from Japan, they're much more exciting and a lot quicker. hehehe

[KeithD]

even mentioning her past makes her crazy,the last time i did she packed her bags and went bck to pasay leaving me in makati

Blimey. Before even considering marriage to anyone I would want all there history, it's called being open and truthful with each other, the basic foundations for a marriage, and you haven't got them so no wonder it's rocky already.....and if any girl showed temper before I'd even got engaged, then she wouldn't be for me. Sulking yes, temper no.

If you don't know the past of someone, you can't hope to understand them.

[Eljohno]

It would certainly make me wonder Keith why someone was so adamant not to reveal their past.

[ginapeterb]

id like to thank everyone for their knowledgeable advise and comments. i guess only time will tell. i've made the decision to delete my yahoo messenger ID so at least she can no longer control the main means of our communication. i'll just email her daily and see what sort of response i get. i expect a major tampo because she loves to chat,even on a heated argument basis. obviously this move will answer no questions as to her change of attitude but it will help me cope with the possibility that she is just playin me for a fool.

ive decided not to visit her again (at least before visa decision is made), besides if she does have a filipino boyfriend or online boyfriends i would still never find that out just because i was there with her. even mentioning her past makes her crazy,the last time i did she packed her bags and went bck to pasay leaving me in makati...she's just not an open person. her friend says she will tell me all about her past in her own time. so i guess i'll have to blindly trust her to open up to me eventually.

i'm still madly inlove with rea and want her here as my wife more than anything in the world and i intend to live my life as a man simply waiting for his girl to join him. with that spirit in mind iv'e decided to send her money and compile wotever documents i need to send for the visa application ASAP.

maybe this is what she wanted/expected me to do all along,perhaps this is the real reason behind her attitude change? in any event i'll have to trust that she does actually apply. i think in our case,given our situation a less than perfect application (scanty evidence ect...) is better than a delayed one? i would much rather be posting questions about how to remedy a failed application with her by my side than discussing my marriage dissapearing down the *****er.

once again cheers to everyone......even baboyako for the light releif.

Angelbird, I am dissapointed that you have decided to send your wife money, not dissapointed in you naturally, this is of course your own business and its true to say, this is your wife, none of us here at this forum, has the right to tell you what to do, that will always be your own decision, the reason for my dissapointment, is that you are fuelling her lifestyle just as she wants you to, if you send her money, she will simply spend the money, whether it goes on a visa application, based on what you have told me, I find it hard to beleive it will, I made a point of calling some of my Filipino freinds in London today, on your behalf, I put your story to 2-3 of my Filipino (male) freinds, they listened to your story, and told me, that is was more than likely, your wife has another man, although they could not be certain, as no one can be certain, they think she is playing you for sustento, ( maintenance) or baon ( allowance sent from a man), as long as you keep sending her an allowance, she will play you for a fool, the fact that she is being abusive and rude, is behaviour that fits with someone who has another man, and is taking you for money only, i think you should think very carefully before sending any money, and why would you close off your yahoo messenger Id, That makes no sense to me, if you do that, how is she supposed to contact you, and if you are so madly in love with her, and want her in UK, is that the right way to go about it, surely, you would want to keep the lines of communciation open, its only over a period of time that this might be sorted out, closing off yahoo, is not the way forward, closing off the baon, is a good step to get her to see reason, I cant quite understand what you are up to ?

oh well its your life

[Eljohno]

Thats why you are so popular pete because you are honest in what you say even if people do not accept it....

[ginapeterb]

Thank you for that John, you know what my motto is:

Learn first, fall in love later: or

Make sure brain is in head and not between legs.

Thats me...always tell it as it is, you take it or you leave it...

[angelbird]

wow...wot to do? my reason for cutting our internet chatting off is because it has become my prison. she wants me to stay online 24/7 cam open whether im at work or sleeping. if i get dc while im asleep or outside she will accuse me of logging out and chatting to others....she is obsessed with me chatting to others! she always has been. as a punishment for being dc she will log out for days at a time and refuse to answer email or txts,calls ect...i know this sounds very childish and for a 36 year old man like myself who had never chatted online untill the time i met my wife, i must say for me it is childish but for her its a major big deal. pete it is clear to me that my wife is no stranger to the world of chatting,she has admitted previous online relationships and i can tell that her chatting skills are well developed and her english usage online is far more developed than in person(this tells me she has chatted to english speakers regularly) i have actually had my suspicions that she has been chatting to others but she fiercly denies this even when she sent me a pic and the IM she sent was completly out of contxt with what our conversation was about.it was so obvious but she will go to her grave denying this. many times especially at weekends she will simply not be online even if we had arranged to be,no explanations or even apologies when she does come back. i have let her off the hook so many times for unexplained dissapearances that i guess she feels no need for any explanations. im cutting out chatting because its her power base over me i guess. if she really misses my company surely she will make the effort to write nice long heartfelt emails? thats part of the logic too. there's been too many occations driving home from work really looking forward to a nice chat with my wife and guess what.....she's logged off with not a single word. thats heartbreaking enough let alone the thought of another guy.

the reason for sending her money pete is simple...if she does'nt use the money for the application then its over,no excuses will be accepted. i'll send the documents to her and when she shows me she has received them i'll send her the money.....i am ready and prepared to leave her. i'm on red alert regarding everything.

i'm not ready to entertain the thought that she has a filipino bf lurking in the background but ive often wondered about her online activities. there is more than one pc in her appartment and ive always had a mental image of her and her housemates "playin around online fishing for....wotever?"

[Eljohno]

You need to understand that this has never once been about judging you mate. I have limited experience about the Philippines and the women and so has Pete but when you use this forum over a period of time you learn things. We are only saying what we see and if you are being taken for a ride we just do not want you to go through any more than what you have done already. I know you would admit that there are many question marks over your wife's behaviour. If you get to know anyone on this forum whos marriage is going very well you will see that their wife's behavior is totally different to what your wife is putting you through. For example when my wife and i arranged to chat online most times that is actually what happened and if one of us could not make it then we would always make this known. The fact is you do not deserve to be put through this at all.I know that you love her and that is in no doubt but that can cloud your decisions. Do you really think after everything that has happened that she will use the money for the reason you send it? Just keep a smart head about everything and i do honestly wish you all the best whatever you decide...

[ginapeterb]

Angelbird,


I have read your post, and my good freind John's post, I can only echo his sentiments, in fact, he really is trying to say, that we all here at the Filipinouk forum are a family, we don't like to see our members taken for a fool, I can't help feeling that part of this is where you have become a beggar to your own demise, don't get me wrong, I do take issue with your choice of partner, if you didnt see any of the symptoms she is displaying, then she is a realy good actress, if its only after the honeymoon she did well, and should be nominated for an oscar for her outstanding contribution to scamphilworld.

But much of your previous post really tells me everything, I know a few filipinas who heard your story, who would like to ring her neck, her behaviour is not normal, and is not a loving act of a excited new wife who is ready to come and migrate to a new country to start a life with her "gwapo" British hubby who is going to give her the baby "White".

She should be ecstatic, enthusiastic, and eager to come over, she should be titilated at the thought, she would normally be boring the pants off anyone who would listen to her in the Barangay where she crawls back to at night, she will tell everyone, that she is going to UK, and she would be in eager anticipation of hope that she will get the visa, that will give her the passport to a better life.

Does that sound like your wife ?


Nope !!!

What do we have here with her, wont talk to you, hates you, argues with you, blanks you, goes off for days and wont log on, and wants you to be onine 24 hours a day so she can bite your head off for a little polite conversation and then you say "

"Oh honey , we have a problem, we need to apply for the UK Visa, and here is P27,000 for you to get it, if you dont get the visa, you wont get any more money"

I take my hat off to you angelbird, cos you have patience, if you had not married her, and she was coming on marriage visa, I would have advised you to drop this dead duck now and get back searching for a nice Filipina, hmmm there are thousands of them, hundreds of thousands actually, just waiting for a nice guy to come along, whom they can start a life with, and out of all the hundreds of thousands, you get stuck with this dead duck.

As you have married her, there isnt much you can do, and well she knows it, the only thing you can do is wait 12 months, and file a petition in your local court, on a DIY basis, for unreasonable behaviour, within 3 months, as no children and a foreign marriage certificate, you will be free to move on, having said that, if your earnest desire is to carry on trying, then good luck to you, I would love to have her shipped back to PHILIPPINES, but hey...she is already there...what am I talking about.

Good luck angel bird.

[willieboy]

Firstly angelbird let me say sorry for your predicament.i had a similar situation some years ago but the transformation happened before marriage had happened.But the wedding was arranged and i was due to return to the r.p in August.About six months before it all changed and some of the things you mentioned reminded me of it a lot.15 years on i am still no wiser as to what happened.I have since come across this situation a few times with friends of mine.But i also find it strange for the change to happen after marriage.I think some are missing the point that this could and probably does happen just as much with a British couple or other nationalities.Im not sure if i buy the pilipino boyfriend theory.For me its more likely to be another ferang,if anybody.
The question you have to ask yourself is which person is your wife?The person you fell in love with or the one she changed into.The tragedy is that it is very likely the latter or a combination of the two.I think there have been some great comments made already but the bottom line is you love your wife and we dont and of course you will follow your heart cos i believe most of us are like that, though some try play the cold-hearted,no feelings card.Im sure some will agree with me when i say we all have or had a friend who calls us up moaning that his or hers relationship is falling apart.As a friend we try to help giving practical advice and they say "you are so right".Do they really take it though?Of course not because they as the friend are not emotionally involved
and the heart generally rules the head.I can remember spending hours and days listening to brilliant advice over what a mess i was making of a relationship but i just didnt want to hear it and just messed up some more.I really hope it works out for you Angelheart,and you dont become an emotional wreck like me!You have probably just met the wrong girl.And that could have happened to any of us anywhere in the world.You sound like a great guy though and i have a feeling you will find true happiness at the end of the dark tunnel you find yourself in.Good luck.

[angelbird]

i'm phycologically prepared to to face the torment of never finding out the truth of wot has become of our relationship. in a sense thats worse than discovering that she has had a filipino bf all the while or cyber lover or was a scammer from the start. but if this is genuinely the end of the road then i would just rather excuse her with the possibility that she has simply fallen out of love with me. perhaps in her mind she needs this hatred of me to break free....who knows?

i beleive that love is akin to madness at times and mistakes are easily made. i certainly dont feel that i have made a mistake by marrying her. i've never been naive enough to believe that my wife is some sort of "cybervirgin" and i've always smilled to myself when she would promote in herself the things that she beleived western guys like in an asian girl (submissive,conservative blah,blah,blah...),whilst being coy about the implications of her being the eldest daughter,with a son ect...i see this as natural,to promote one's "best side" and downplay any percieved negatives.

in trying to understand my wifes recent behavior i think back to the week we spent at her family home in bislig,mindanao. the wedding had already been arranged and was only a week away. we were discussing our relationship and how our plans were coming together so smothely and we both confessed to each other that our greatest fear since we met was being taken for a fool. the truth is both of us conceived that the bubble could burst i guess,she even believed in her heart of hearts that after my first visit she would never see me again,that i would simply vanish into obscurity. i confessed too that i even had a contingincy plan in the event that she was'nt there to meet me at the airport...(cold feet) when i came to marry her in june. this sounds like a fundamental trust was lacking between us but i'd like to beleive that it was two minds aware of the sometimes fickle,fantasy led nature of a lot of cyber relationships where people do promise each other the world but dont deliver.in this context our marriage was like the world had been lifted from our shoulders. the commitment for life was in our hearts we could both feel that. and yes the honeymoon in boracay was heavenly bliss.

its natural for me to defend my wifes recent behavoir,i dont understand it but our relationship is very deep and well beyond the short time it has existed. let me just say this,for a girl aged 16 to arrive in manila from "the jungle" as she refers to her home town,to survive all these years outside of her family circle,being the eldest daughter(main bread winner),falling preggy and having a son to support,working in malaysia in crappy jobs ect,ect..maybe having her heart broken in a previous relationship online or otherwise, could it be possible that she is going through a massive emotional event that even she cannot understand? a sort of releif that she can for the first time in her life see the light at the end of the tunnel,that she does in fact have "a way out".....or am i just in love and think the sun shines out of her ass?



obviously my life has completly changed(for the better) since i met rea. yes i've sacrificed my social life to be with her online and yes ive sacrificed the job i loved to spend the months with her in ph. but moneywise ive sent her very little.

[jeida]

Firstly angelbird let me say sorry for your predicament.i had a similar situation some years ago but the transformation happened before marriage had happened.But the wedding was arranged and i was due to return to the r.p in August.About six months before it all changed and some of the things you mentioned reminded me of it a lot.15 years on i am still no wiser as to what happened.I have since come across this situation a few times with friends of mine.But i also find it strange for the change to happen after marriage.I think some are missing the point that this could and probably does happen just as much with a British couple or other nationalities.Im not sure if i buy the pilipino boyfriend theory.For me its more likely to be another ferang,if anybody.
The question you have to ask yourself is which person is your wife?The person you fell in love with or the one she changed into.The tragedy is that it is very likely the latter or a combination of the two.I think there have been some great comments made already but the bottom line is you love your wife and we dont and of course you will follow your heart cos i believe most of us are like that, though some try play the cold-hearted,no feelings card.Im sure some will agree with me when i say we all have or had a friend who calls us up moaning that his or hers relationship is falling apart.As a friend we try to help giving practical advice and they say "you are so right".Do they really take it though?Of course not because they as the friend are not emotionally involved
and the heart generally rules the head.I can remember spending hours and days listening to brilliant advice over what a mess i was making of a relationship but i just didnt want to hear it and just messed up some more.I really hope it works out for you Angelheart,and you dont become an emotional wreck like me!You have probably just met the wrong girl.And that could have happened to any of us anywhere in the world.You sound like a great guy though and i have a feeling you will find true happiness at the end of the dark tunnel you find yourself in.Good luck.

Yes i agree with you willieboy... Its easy for some people to say go find another woman coz theyre not the one who is envolved and it will takes time as he is madly inlove with the girl. Sometimes when heart is involve its hard to think what is right and what is wrong sad but true. And i dont believe in "learn first fall inlove later" thing its the other way around as you cant dictate your heart not to fall in love to that person coz you want to know him/her first. Sometimes you dont know why you love the person it just happened. I know God made the brain above the heart so the heart cant rules the head but...

Anyway i just wish angelbird the best. Hope everythings will be fine soon. Godbless you

[KeithD]

for a girl aged 16 to arrive in manila from "the jungle" as she refers to her home town,to survive all these years outside of her family circle,being the eldest daughter(main bread winner),falling preggy and having a son to support

I think this statement may set a few alarm bells with member's about her past

If it doesn't work out, make sure you have this thread printed off as evidence for a divorce in 11/12 months.

[Jay&Zobel]

Your situation sounds like every guys nightmares. but this whole thing comes down to you and her. i dont know the whole picture i dont know either of you. but in life people can and will take advantage how ever lovely they could seem.

I wouldnt stop contact with her reinstall YM, but basicly you need to take hold or your relationship. shes has full control over you. she knows how to get her own way. you need to basicly put all your points forward let her know everything but be bold and strong about it. the ultimate question is does she really love you. work on her find out things about her. if she doesnt answer the questions or is agressive go offline. then when u think shes had enuff time come back and leave ur YM on but dont be the first to msg. and if shes aggressive write something that that will get her attention and make her think.

You can only fix the relationship if both sides are willing to make it work. basicly if shes not going to give you anything. then youll need to really think that its no longer pursuing any more. theres always another chance for love and love is a 2way thing its not onesided.

just keep your chin up

and look ahead theres always a future.

Good luck

Jay


N.B.
We have changed our account name from remee_milano to Jay&Zobel. Thanks.

[willieboy]

i'm phycologically prepared to to face the torment of never finding out the truth of wot has become of our relationship. in a sense thats worse than discovering that she has had a filipino bf all the while or cyber lover or was a scammer from the start. but if this is genuinely the end of the road then i would just rather excuse her with the possibility that she has simply fallen out of love with me. perhaps in her mind she needs this hatred of me to break free....who knows?

i beleive that love is akin to madness at times and mistakes are easily made. i certainly dont feel that i have made a mistake by marrying her. i've never been naive enough to believe that my wife is some sort of "cybervirgin" and i've always smilled to myself when she would promote in herself the things that she beleived western guys like in an asian girl (submissive,conservative blah,blah,blah...),whilst being coy about the implications of her being the eldest daughter,with a son ect...i see this as natural,to promote one's "best side" and downplay any percieved negatives.

in trying to understand my wifes recent behavior i think back to the week we spent at her family home in bislig,mindanao. the wedding had already been arranged and was only a week away. we were discussing our relationship and how our plans were coming together so smothely and we both confessed to each other that our greatest fear since we met was being taken for a fool. the truth is both of us conceived that the bubble could burst i guess,she even believed in her heart of hearts that after my first visit she would never see me again,that i would simply vanish into obscurity. i confessed too that i even had a contingincy plan in the event that she was'nt there to meet me at the airport...(cold feet) when i came to marry her in june. this sounds like a fundamental trust was lacking between us but i'd like to beleive that it was two minds aware of the sometimes fickle,fantasy led nature of a lot of cyber relationships where people do promise each other the world but dont deliver.in this context our marriage was like the world had been lifted from our shoulders. the commitment for life was in our hearts we could both feel that. and yes the honeymoon in boracay was heavenly bliss.

its natural for me to defend my wifes recent behavoir,i dont understand it but our relationship is very deep and well beyond the short time it has existed. let me just say this,for a girl aged 16 to arrive in manila from "the jungle" as she refers to her home town,to survive all these years outside of her family circle,being the eldest daughter(main bread winner),falling preggy and having a son to support,working in malaysia in crappy jobs ect,ect..maybe having her heart broken in a previous relationship online or otherwise, could it be possible that she is going through a massive emotional event that even she cannot understand? a sort of releif that she can for the first time in her life see the light at the end of the tunnel,that she does in fact have "a way out".....or am i just in love and think the sun shines out of her ass?



obviously my life has completly changed(for the better) since i met rea. yes i've sacrificed my social life to be with her online and yes ive sacrificed the job i loved to spend the months with her in ph. but moneywise ive sent her very little.

Angelbird you are trying to make excuses for her behaviour and i totally understand that.Im sure there will be a time in the future when you will look back and realise this has been a massive learning curve and you will probably afford yourself a smile.This is the last thing you want to hear im sure.Of course you feel has changed your life for the better.You love her very much.Im sure you would be saying this if it had been somebody else.But there are so many other women who would not have treated you like this.Its a horrible feeling to love someone so much when deep in our heart we know they dont love us.And we tell ourselves that if we try even harder and love a bit more it will turn it around.But it never seems to happen like it does in the movies.I have read all the posts on this thread again and again and thats why this forum is so great.So many different personalities but they are all so important to make it work.The fantastic writings of my old mate PeteB to the wonderful humour of Baboyako and Keith.Without the humour where would we be?A lot worse off.Compassion to Angelheart.Power to the forum

[Jay&Zobel]

From Mr Pete: "..... I know a few filipinas who heard your story, who would like to ring her neck, her behaviour is not normal, and is not a loving act of a excited new wife who is ready to come and migrate to a new country to start a life with her "gwapo" British hubby who is going to give her the baby "White".

She should be ecstatic, enthusiastic, and eager to come over, she should be titilated at the thought, she would normally be boring the pants off anyone who would listen to her in the Barangay where she crawls back to at night, she will tell everyone, that she is going to UK, and she would be in eager anticipation of hope that she will get the visa, that will give her the passport to a better life.

Does that sound like your wife ? ...."



heheh yep Filipinas are so like that trust me!! masyadong excited ba?!! hehe


Zobel


N.B.

We have changed our account name from remee_milano to jay&zobel. Thanks

[andypaul]

Angelird

Im sorry to hear the problems your having, most of the chaps on this site have had before we got to know our wives better a little nagging thought in the back of her head is she really what she says she is? But people in the UK find out the lover they had in the UK was hiding things from them so its not just a uk-phill thing.

Don't what ever you do beat yourself up if your worst fears are proven true. You seem to be a good man and im sure a Lady out there is just waiting to be with you and share in a loving relationship with you.

[Welsh_Italian]

I thought I'd throw my oar in here! (I love mixing metaphors, lol!)

From my own experience, when a woman changes that suddenly and that radically, something large has altered in the relationship's dynamics. It is very possible she has someone else. From my own experience (Western women btw until now), suddenly getting the cold shoulder, short temper with everything I did, alternating extremes of rejection and desire for contact - it all adds up to one confused lady who is trying to change her feelings and inwardly feeling guilty because of it. The motivation for this usually comes from the idea of having someone new in their lives which is why I suspect she has someone else. She still loves you (if she didn't, she wouldn't talk at all), but having a new man puts her in a hard situation so she changes her feelings (unconciously) to hate you instead, but still wants contact.

This is a horrible situation and if it is so, my advice is to send her a dear john letter (but a mature reflective one that doesn't cast blame), and close all contact with her completely. If she wants out of your life, then she can have it - but it's her choice and there's no going back. It might be better to leave the door open ("if you really believe we can have something again, please, you must talk to me")

But as you said, the problem is not being able to know whether this is the case. She might just be angry that the two of you are married and you're not living together like most husbands and wives do. My own mahal was not happy with the idea of us getting married and me working abroad while she lived at home in the Phils, even if she stayed with her family and good money was coming in. She preferred that I worked over there and be relatively penniless, as long as we were together all the time. In fact, I believe she would prefer that to living over here in the UK or EU. The act of marriage to a lot of women implies a change in life from being BF/GF or even engaged.

But I'm also surprised that you're married when there are still important questions you need answered. Yes, she might tell you in her own time when she is ready, but when is that? You've both made a lifelong committment to each other now, and relationships involve give and take. Maybe she needs to realise that she needs to bite the bullet and trust you?

And of course, it could just be a tantrum - wanting to be appreciated as a wonderful wife and there's something that she feels you should be doing that just isn't obvious to you? Quite often, women communicate in ways that men just don't fully understand and she feels that she's given you lots of information but there is a block on both your communcations that's the real issue behind the trouble?

I would ask her directly. Tell her that you feel she is pushing you away from a loving relationship, you're confused about how she is acting, and how can you remedy this? If there is no response, then the relationship is already probably over and just going through the final painful death throes. If so, just finish it quickly. It's easier in the long run for you both. Don't try to pass blame, but just say words to the effect of: "sorry, but this just won't work any more. I hope you find what you're looking for".

If you do get an answer, you can use that to build on to change how you both interact - you can address her needs, she can address yours, and you can both agree to act differently in future when trying to resolve things.

btw - all of my relationships (bar the current one - ulp!) failed, sometimes painfully, so maybe I'm the wrong person to take advice from!

[CaptainSmirk]

when your wife asks you to send 500peso for a blood test to confirm that she's not preggy so she can safely start taking slimming pills in order to "make the money that im not sending her"...alarm bells start to sound! ive sent her £300 this month already...maybe shes just dramatic,hormonal or just plain bad? all i know is this is out of character and not the girl i married.

sorry to butt in...

but I am a Filipina too and such actions (the girl's asking money etc) make me cringe! and somehow dislikes it when negative generalizations are drawn just because of one person's actions...

from the looks of it, yes...she is scamming you...

i'd like to believe that genuine love transcends all barriers - thus, it should not be equated with how much or how less money you are able to send her...

being idealistic yes.

realistically...and we all know that...that many women (not just Filipinas) tend to look at the brighter future (the money is greener on the other side of the ocean)...

if genuine love is what you are after (the kind that will last) then listen to your heart and gut-feel...a woman asking money and then sulking if not given any isn't gonna last there for you "for better or for worse"

just my 2 centavos!

[ginapeterb]

Angelbird,

Thankfully my wife has now landed back in UK, and we discussed your situatiion, and she came up with a scenario perhaps as not been fully explored.

She thinks your wife does not wish to come to UK, she has decided that she likes Philippines so much, she would prefer the baon you are sending to her, and if you send her P30,000 a month, I am sure she will be happy with that, and then to have you come out, every so often to see her, that is my wifes opinion after reading your posts, and the various other ones.

Its worth thinking about !


Pete

[Jay&Zobel]

Angelbird,


She thinks your wife does not wish to come to UK, she has decided that she likes Philippines so much, she would prefer the baon you are sending to her, and if you send her P30,000 a month, I am sure she will be happy with that, and then to have you come out, every so often to see her, that is my wifes opinion after reading your posts, and the various other ones.

Its worth thinking about !


Pete

hmm what can u buy with Ph30,000 in UK? hehe maybe shes comparing it lol

[willieboy]

Angelbird,

Thankfully my wife has now landed back in UK, and we discussed your situatiion, and she came up with a scenario perhaps as not been fully explored.

She thinks your wife does not wish to come to UK, she has decided that she likes Philippines so much, she would prefer the baon you are sending to her, and if you send her P30,000 a month, I am sure she will be happy with that, and then to have you come out, every so often to see her, that is my wifes opinion after reading your posts, and the various other ones.

Its worth thinking about !


Pete

I dont think thats the case.Surely if she wanted to stay in the Philippines and be sent money then she would treat Angelbird better.By being that nasty sooner rather than later hes going to say no more.Much better to be sweet and make a few excuses or tell angelbird she wants more time.By her behaviour its as if this is not the first time she has been in this position.I think there is a lot more to come out of this drama.

[ginapeterb]

I dont think thats the case.Surely if she wanted to stay in the Philippines and be sent money then she would treat Angelbird better.By being that nasty sooner rather than later hes going to say no more.Much better to be sweet and make a few excuses or tell angelbird she wants more time.By her behaviour its as if this is not the first time she has been in this position.I think there is a lot more to come out of this drama.

There probably is a lot more to come Will, however, think about it, ok she is being abusive, but it seems she does not want to come ! I think she does want to stay in Phils and get allowances, some do that, I know of one couple who lives like that, but who knows whats in her mind, only she does, there is only 2 evidenced based facts that comes out of this story.


1. She wants money

2. She doesnt want to come to UK.


Put those 2 facts of evidence together, and what conclusion can you draw, its this, she wants to stay in Phils and receive money,

I rest my case...

[janice]

I really feel sorry about what happened to your marriage angelbird. Can i asked? Hehe. She already has one kid, right? Maybe she's also worried about leaving her kid alone in the Philippines when she can't bring the kid with her into the UK. Try ask her about that. Take care angelbird. God will always be there to guide you especially in your situation now. Just trust Him and He will provide you the answers. God bless!

[Doc898]

There probably is a lot more to come Will, however, think about it, ok she is being abusive, but it seems she does not want to come ! I think she does want to stay in Phils and get allowances, some do that, I know of one couple who lives like that, but who knows whats in her mind, only she does, there is only 2 evidenced based facts that comes out of this story.


1. She wants money

2. She doesnt want to come to UK.


Put those 2 facts of evidence together, and what conclusion can you draw, its this, she wants to stay in Phils and receive money,

I rest my case...

I second the motion!

I don't think she's worried about not bringing her kid to the UK since it was mentioned her parent's are taking care of him at the moment. And besides if she really wanted to be with her husband, there's always a way to do it no matter how difficult it takes.