My Christmas gift to you - English Knowledge.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak
When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still
The dead batteries were given out free of charge
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed
When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent
For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it
A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents
He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize
What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted
Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak
He wears glasses during math because it improves division
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive
The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse
Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground
Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents
Russia was slow to recover after WW2 because it kept Stalin around
Math teachers have lots of problems
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall
Pills with long names can be quite a mouthful
What did the mean triangle say to the boring circle? You're so pointless
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen
To many girls the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it
A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either
Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence
The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder
An illiterate fisherman was lost at c
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat
Al.
Originally Posted by joebloggs
