Devastated - Need advice

[pacificelectric]

The whole story sounds very weird. I know of the importance of family in the Phils but a forced marriage is something radically different (especially when the daughter is 33 already!) and from what I have experienced myself Filipinas are not submissive like that. My GF who lives in Davao is significantly younger than me (she is 28) and when I asked her if she was fine with the age gap and possible gossip she very clearly stated that this was her own business and would follow her own will, so this kind of resignation of a 33-year old girl to a fate she would certainly hate with an abusive man makes me think like others here that there is something (or someone) else in the picture and you'd better find out before it is too late. Ingat!

[PAT]

feel sorry upon reading your post Sim...hope things will going to be alright at the end.

[acs]

oh im sad on the turn of events for you Simuk11. Im from Cagayan de oro also and im here in the uk now to be with my husband. Pressures must have been in her shoulders to pleased her family if what she told you is the truth. Sometimes pressure from the people surrounding her can crumble her confidence and love for you especially being bombarded in every way they can. It takes really a strong determination for a woman not to be swayed by pressures surrounding her. They must have been thinking your not going to honor your promise to marry her thats why they let this other guy enter the picture ( Just a thought) . Or, else, he is her bf or worst husband in the side, and that she doesnt want to go further with you so that you wont spend much more than what you have done already..just an opinion
I hope and pray things will work out for the best.

[Sim11UK]

Thanks acs for your kind words.

[KeithD]

Plenty of singles signed up on my dating site this week!

[chris40]

i do sympathise with you regarding whats happened.maybe some people reading this have some single filipina relative who they could recomend as a genuine person.

[Jay&Zobel]

Good for you Sim!!!!

Remember it's her loss not yours!!!

[Sim11UK]

I know you probably think I'm crazy? But I've heard from her.
I really had put her in my past.

We've spoken on the phone.
She kept on saying this word. She spelt it out. "Ajreemant?" I couldn't understand as she was crying so much.

As I'm typing this I'm beginning to think the word she means is AGREEMENT.

This man has something over her family? Her brother has told her she must come home now, as has her sister in America.

I can't help being involved at the moment. We have been close & she is still my "fiancee?"

I'm trying to get her to runaway at the moment, ignore her family.

Regardless of what happens, I feel there is some sort of human rights issue here.
She really is distraught & frightened.

[aposhark]

Travel ?

[KeithD]

Just do what I said, move her to another island. If she won't go now, then she won't go in the future. She can sort the family out later when you are married and sending $$$$$$

[Sim11UK]

Just do what I said, move her to another island. If she won't go now, then she won't go in the future. She can sort the family out later when you are married and sending $$$$$$

Yes this is what i'm trying to do.
I've just got home early because of the snow.
Tried to call her, but can't get through at rhe moment.

I want her to just pack a bag & get off the island ASAP

[Jay&Zobel]

Yes this is what i'm trying to do.
I've just got home early because of the snow.
Tried to call her, but can't get through at rhe moment.

I want her to just pack a bag & get off the island ASAP

u think she will cope up? living away from her "dear" family... i pray so... it is high time for her to decide... her future with you or be stucked...

i admire your perseverance, i pray she really is worthy of all your compassionate heart...

[PAT]

I agree with admin Sim....really hope you and your fiance will surpass this out.

[Jay&Zobel]

This is difficult...

You really love her...

[Mrs.JMajor]

yes,right ! if she follow ,jump for joy............

[IainBusby]

Just do what I said, move her to another island. If she won't go now, then she won't go in the future. She can sort the family out later when you are married and sending $$$$$$

Sounds like a good plan, but I would make it sort of an ultimatum, because it seems to me that your allowing her to draw this situation out. Like the boss says, if she won't go now, she won't go later, even when you've gone through hundreds of crying down the phone episodes.

Don't take my lack of sympathy in the wrong way, there maybe genuine reasons behind all of this and her distress may also be genuine, but at the end of the day, a wife, or prospective wife must have and must demonstrate genuine commitment to her prospective husband.

If she won't move away from her family to resolve this situation, then I don't think her commitment to you is as strong as it will need to be to see you through to marriage and all the visa hassle, etc, etc, that will have to be overcome in the future. She could pack a suitcase and jump on an overnight ferry to Cebu for about P600, then book into a hotel for a couple of nights while she looks around for a boarding house. I'm sure there are lots of girls on this forum over in Cebu that would help her to find somewhere to live over there. The question is, is her commitment to your relationship strong enough to make her do this.

Iain.

[Sim11UK]

Sounds like a good plan, but I would make it sort of an ultimatum, because it seems to me that your allowing her to draw this situation out. Like the boss says, if she won't go now, she won't go later, even when you've gone through hundreds of crying down the phone episodes.

Don't take my lack of sympathy in the wrong way, there maybe genuine reasons behind all of this and her distress may also be genuine, but at the end of the day, a wife, or prospective wife must have and must demonstrate genuine commitment to her prospective husband.

If she won't move away from her family to resolve this situation, then I don't think her commitment to you is as strong as it will need to be to see you through to marriage and all the visa hassle, etc, etc, that will have to be overcome in the future. She could pack a suitcase and jump on an overnight ferry to Cebu for about P600, then book into a hotel for a couple of nights while she looks around for a boarding house. I'm sure there are lots of girls on this forum over in Cebu that would help her to find somewhere to live over there. The question is, is her commitment to your relationship strong enough to make her do this.

Iain.

Thanks IainBusby this is exactly what she must do & it's what I've been thinking too.

[PeterB]

If she would get herself down to Tagum, I'm sure that we could find her somewhere to stay.

I'm not surprised that she should find herself bowing to parental pressure. Ruby's 29 y/o brother has just got engaged. It seems, to me, that the engagement, and agreement, is something that the parents work out. Ruby's mum even gave a commitment to the girl's parents that her son would not break the engagement.

[Sim11UK]

Thanks Peterb for your offer of support.

Such draconian family laws. This really did come out of the blue, considering I'd been to the family home twice & was fed & made very welcome.

We've arranged to talk online, early tomorrow morning UK time. I can't get much sense out of her, in her present state on the phone...Then she's leaving for the Province.

Who knows if she'll come back?

[PeterB]

Such draconian family laws. This really did come out of the blue, considering I'd been to the family home twice & was fed & made very welcome.

One possible scenario is that the parents aren't convinced that you will come back and marry her. On the other hand, there's a local guy, over whom they have some control, and he appears to be more than willing.

Another point is that western guys have a reputation (unfair?) for taking asian women and (mis)treating them as slaves.

Before Ruby came to the UK with me, her father asked her what would she do if I started mistreating her once she was away from home.

[KeithD]

Before Ruby came to the UK with me, her father asked her what would she do if I started to mistreating her once she was away from home.

Probably slit your throat while you sleep......or is it just my wife that says that?

[Rob & Anne]

i think theres something shes not telling you, somethings not right, it sounds strange coz u said uve met his dad and his dad even told u that u can marry her..In the phils i never really heard about 33 year old filipinas still being forced by their parents to marry someone unless if shes a muslim coz thats their custom they marry who their parents ask them to marry wether they like it or not, but if shes a christian then its very strange. Her story sounds like a really big fat lie...sorry...hope u'l find out about the whole truth..

[somebody]

Be strong Sim. Sounds a complicated situation as others have suggested best to offer her the chance to leave if as a grown woman she decides not to well thats her choice i guess.
Another boyfriend, parents cant afford to lose another carer/daughter, she herself has cold feet, only she really knows.

Whatever happens chin up mate and look after yourself

[Sim11UK]

Be strong Sim. Sounds a complicated situation as others have suggested best to offer her the chance to leave if as a grown woman she decides not to well thats her choice i guess.
Another boyfriend, parents cant afford to lose another carer/daughter, she herself has cold feet, only she really knows.

Whatever happens chin up mate and look after yourself

Thanks for that somebody

I'm resigned to my fate. It's not going to kill me, so c'est la vie.

[flomike]

At 28 I still live with my parents I have a proper job in a Travel Agency so basically I earned a living for myself just that its hard to leave your parents I don't know why? Basically you are oblige to do what they want as a sign of respect. If Im not yet home at 8pm they going to send me a text where I am or when Im home they asked me not to go home late. When I got married at 29 they are happy bec finally Im out of the house lol they are happy bec its time for me to settle down bec im not young anymore

[Sim11UK]

At 28 I still live with my parents I have a proper job in a Travel Agency so basically I earned a living for myself just that its hard to leave your parents I don't know why? Basically you are oblige to do what they want as a sign of respect. If Im not yet home at 8pm they going to send me a text where I am or when Im home they asked me not to go home late. When I got married at 29 they are happy bec finally Im out of the house lol they are happy bec its time for me to settle down bec im not young anymore

Good for you, I'm glad you finally found your independence.
I know how much the family, plays a very important role in the Philippines.

I'm not sure I'd like my mum texting me "Where are you? you naughty boy."

[bornatbirth]

theres alot of good advice in here and every possible senario!

whatever you decide all the best,the only real way of finding out is going there?

my wife was 31 when i first meet her,as her father sadly already died and when they got told of me her older brother was talking to her like a kid telling what to do and not to do,it wasnt until the 3rd time that i saw her she was no longer checked upon?

while your single and until your married i guess the family still have say in your life?

[reginacarlson]

Fingers, toes and other body parts crossed and good vibes being sent your way. Hope you can sort everything out.

[jencha8569]

whats the latest sim ?
you two talked again or not ?
good luck anyway

[joebloggs]

so there is some hope then sim, looks like it wasn't the obvious reason of a b/f but family pressure, when my mother in law found out her daughter was getting serious with a whitey a got a letter from her mom politely warning me to leave her alone....

it's easy for others to say walk away, unless you've been in that situation yourself, then it's not so easy, and if you can walk away, then she probably didn't mean as much to you as you thought.

that's why i always say keep asking until she breaks if you have to, find the real reason, might not be the reason what you and others think it was or the reason she originally told you..

good luck, and if she does mean so much to you, don't give up, no matter what problems get in your way, I didn't , and after been married more than 5yrs, or 6yrs , we've got little joe, a grand daughter and married life is better than ever