The non joke jokes!!

[scott&ligaya]

Does anyone here remember the fad for jokes that made no sense but you felt had to laugh just in case the others would think you a dimwit because you didn't get the joke.

e.g.

bloke goes into a paint shop and asks for emerald green gloss paint

the shop keeper says sorry I have only got olive green

to which the bloke replies

oh it's okay I've got my bike outside!!

apparently this was hilarious

I was trying to explain the concept to my filipino mates the other day and as they sometimes struggle with our "our straight forward" humour this just blew them away.

Can anyone remember any of the other non joke jokes

[nigel]

(This is alleged to be an old Irish proverb...but that's probably a lie really...but...here it is anyway....)


"Learn to cut your fingernails with your left hand, because one day you might lose your right arm!"

[nigel]

Two young girls are walking the street at night when they are approached by what looks like muggers! One of the girls say "You know that fifty pound you lent me? You can have it back now...!"

[nigel]

A woman gets these special tablets for her pet dog and her husband swallows one by mistake!! As a result he barks like a dog!! Woof! Woof! Ruff! Ruff! Like a dog! She goes to see her doctor about this and her doctor says "Give him these tablets and that should cure the problem!"

A week later her doctor calls her and says "Have those tablets cured your husband?" The woman says "No! But he has stopped going pooh pooh in the lounge!!"

[nigel]

One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears.
The doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the
phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened
to the other ear?" the doctor asked. "They called back."

[nigel]

(Spoken by a man)... I can't get a woman 'cause I haven't been circumsized!! Women wont touch nothing unless they get something off!!

[nigel]

A young eight year old boy ask's his father "Daddy what is sex?" His dad feels embarrassed but he explians at length to the boy about the birds and the bee's! "Why did you ask about sex?" His father enquires, and the boy replies "'Cause mummy says dinners ready in a couple of secs..."

[nigel]

David Hasselhoff spots a guy drowning in the sea, he dives in the water, tells the guy to climb on his back, then swims the guy to the safety of the beach. David is exhausted "I feel fked!!" He says, David then realises the guy has no arms or legs, he says "I had to hang on somehow.."

[nigel]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home, he decides to serve the deer for dinner. But his kids are fussy eaters, so he doesn't tell them what it is!! As the meal is served the kids keep asking "What are we eating? What are we eating?"
There father says "I'll give you a hint it's what your mother sometimes calls me..." The kids think for a second and say "Don't eat it, it's an ahole!!"

[nigel]

In the Devon countryside there is a man drinking from a pond with his hand. A farmer shouts "Dunn driink thart! That there's got cuws craap innit!" The man replies "I'm a policeman from London, I'm afraid I don't understand your accent!?" The farmer says "Oh! I was just saying, use both hands, you'll get more!"

[nigel]

(Last one, this is one of my faves...)

This guy goes into a chemist and asks for some condoms "What size are you?" asks the girl at the counter, the guy is like "What size?? I thought the damn things stretched?" She says "Oh no they're all different sizes now, come out the back with me and we'll find out what size you are!"

So she takes him out the back and there's this fence with a small, medium and large hole in it. "You just try your willy in these holes and we'll find out what size you are!?" She asks.

So he tries his willy in the small hole and she runs round the back and sucks his willy! He tries the medium hole and she's round the back sucking his willy! Then the large hole and yet again the crafty girl is sucking his willy!!

So he goes back in the store and she says "So what size are you?" He says "Forget the condoms! I'd like to buy that fence!"