Is it me?

[monkeyface]

Last night, my relationship with my British boyfriend ended. We would have been celebrating our 2nd anniversary this coming May.

I'm not sure if this is typical for a Pinay to have "tampo" and "selos". In my previous thread, I was jealous of her ex who is now her close friend. I actually got over that and as in my update, we are friends now.

My ex boyfriend and I have been having fights over another ex . They had been together for 2-3 years I think. They eventually broke up amicably because they don't have as much time. They are still friends cos they are both in a forum even before they started dating. He told me how much he loved her. He thought he would never feel that way again until he met me.

I do have a little bit of jealousy when we would talk about her. Just the thought of her nearer him frustrates me. It was nothing serious until he joined Facebook. There I saw them commenting on each other openly. Maybe it's just me but I feel it's insensitive of them knowing I could read them and he has always known I am jealous of her.

There was a time when she commented if he still remembers the game they used to play. He knew I was jealous and he said he cant stand my jealousy anymore so he broke up with me. He said I am trying to change him. Telling him who he can talk to and not. He said he cant be what I need right now cos he has a lot going on.

We took things slowly, continued chatting as friends. Eventually the sweetness was back, so it led me to believe we are still together.

Yesterday morning, I woke up early to spend time with him. I saw their posts again. I tried to ignore it and didn't say anything cos it's too early and did not want to upset him on his way to bed. It was on my mind all day. Last night, I joked about them flirting again. He said they're not. She called him "hun". I don't know if this just a British thing. He told me she emailed him asking what "mahal" means and so he told her. I was surprised she was asking about my post to him. Why does she care? I added this girl in my account before but she refused to add me.

He asked me what do I want him to do, ignore his friends and be rude? That's not my point. I just wanted him to understand how I feel about it. Why do they have to do it publicly when my friends and family can see that and they know who this girl is.

He told me last night, he was right about thinking we will be fighting again about these things and there really is no hope for us. We would not have fought if he had considered my feelings. So what if she commented? He can entertain but maybe not encourage more to lead lead for them chatting openly.... And so finally he made his choice. It was his "friend" and not me. Whatever happened to "You're the one I want to grow old with, wife and mother to my kids". :(

I have given up on him too.... But how to move on? Do you try to stay away from the internet so you wont be tempted to say hi. Throw away his T-shirt that I always wear when I miss him? Throw away the the things he gave me?

I am sorry for the drama, I'm still hurting but I know I will get over this eventually. Hopefully soon. I will really appreciate your advices. I am hoping to become a better person and try to avoid mistakes I have made in the past that cost my once a very happy relationship.

I wonder, did I ask too much? Could it again be the cultural differences again or just me being plain old "selosa" (jealous girl)?

[Shayla]

Last night, my relationship with my British boyfriend ended. We would have been celebrating our 2nd anniversary this coming May.

I'm not sure if this is typical for a Pinay to have "tampo" and "selos". In my previous thread, I was jealous of her ex who is now her close friend. I actually got over that and as in my update, we are friends now.

My ex boyfriend and I have been having fights over another ex . They had been together for 2-3 years I think. They eventually broke up amicably because they don't have as much time. They are still friends cos they are both in a forum even before they started dating. He told me how much he loved her. He thought he would never feel that way again until he met me.

I do have a little bit of jealousy when we would talk about her. Just the thought of her nearer him frustrates me. It was nothing serious until he joined Facebook. There I saw them commenting on each other openly. Maybe it's just me but I feel it's insensitive of them knowing I could read them and he has always known I am jealous of her.

There was a time when she commented if he still remembers the game they used to play. He knew I was jealous and he said he cant stand my jealousy anymore so he broke up with me. He said I am trying to change him. Telling him who he can talk to and not. He said he cant be what I need right now cos he has a lot going on.

We took things slowly, continued chatting as friends. Eventually the sweetness was back, so it led me to believe we are still together.

Yesterday morning, I woke up early to spend time with him. I saw their posts again. I tried to ignore it and didn't say anything cos it's too early and did not want to upset him on his way to bed. It was on my mind all day. Last night, I joked about them flirting again. He said they're not. She called him "hun". I don't know if this just a British thing. He told me she emailed him asking what "mahal" means and so he told her. I was surprised she was asking about my post to him. Why does she care? I added this girl in my account before but she refused to add me.

He asked me what do I want him to do, ignore his friends and be rude? That's not my point. I just wanted him to understand how I feel about it. Why do they have to do it publicly when my friends and family can see that and they know who this girl is.

He told me last night, he was right about thinking we will be fighting again about these things and there really is no hope for us. We would not have fought if he had considered my feelings. So what if she commented? He can entertain but maybe not encourage more to lead lead for them chatting openly.... And so finally he made his choice. It was his "friend" and not me. Whatever happened to "You're the one I want to grow old with, wife and mother to my kids". :(

I have given up on him too.... But how to move on? Do you try to stay away from the internet so you wont be tempted to say hi. Throw away his T-shirt that I always wear when I miss him? Throw away the the things he gave me?

I am sorry for the drama, I'm still hurting but I know I will get over this eventually. Hopefully soon. I will really appreciate your advices. I am hoping to become a better person and try to avoid mistakes I have made in the past that cost my once a very happy relationship.

I wonder, did I ask too much? Could it again be the cultural differences again or just me being plain old "selosa" (jealous girl)?

Hello Monkeyface,

Your screen name sounds a bit funny to me lol .Anyway I really feel sorry for your sad story but as far as I know in the UK "hun'' "dear or love and so on is just an endearment words for them but totally they never mean it to be bad .

To us it sounds bad in the ear when someone called our loved ones like that most specially if it's a (girl) friend ,ex girl friend of him or a stranger but well as what you have said here that they had past relationship so you will think something is wrong and you will be jealous for sure .

Girl,I'm not perfect in giving an advice but try to think his good qualities first and not the negative sides because who knows your instinct was wrong and he is really deeply in love with you and with that you can fix your problem.

In my own understanding,you wont be in a long term relationship now if you never strive hard and love each other.

Maybe your bf is just sick of your jealousy and also every time you accuse him for things he never do that's why he broke u up and that's really a bad part .

I heard from few people that some British men don't want to be control by their wives or girl friends on whatever they going to do because maybe they feel that they don't have the ability to act freely with all things .

Anyway please cheer up and hope it's not too late yet for you to fix your problem or if ever it's already late then all I can say is to please move on and hoping you will find the right one for you which is really your soul mate.

Good luck and may your sadness and pains will be gone soon..Take care!

[Jay&Zobel]

Honestly...

If i was in that relationship, i wouldnt do anything to hurt my current partner... maybe odd chats about past relationships are ok but not to the extent of messaging the ex, deliberately hurting the current partner...

You also, have pointed out that he knew that you are jealous of her, but still he did continue doing it anyway...

But Shayla said, Brits doesnt want to be controlled... yep, can be true... but there is always an exception to the rule... if it is too much then it is too much...

It takes two to tango... It isnt one way...

Maybe, he's just fed up of you being overly jealous or maybe he doenst want to be controlled, or maybe he is still enjoying the company of his ex, or maybe he is just overly friendly, or maybe he doesnt love you enough, or maybe he wants his freedom back...

If he really thinks highly of you, he will respect you and be merry with you...

But it was his decision not continue your relationship...
Too bad, you might be his perfect mate...

Please be okay... I am sure there is someone out there who will love you as much.

Pray harder (it works)

Take care!

[PeterB]

Could it again be the cultural differences again or just me being plain old "selosa" (jealous girl)?

Yes, I do really believe that this is a cultural difference, and needs understanding and some give and take on both sides.

[sheila_ADY]

I know the situation is very painful..especially you love this guy and have an intimate relationship. If he ended the relationship because you are jealous.Its not an excuse..seems he is just enjoying having a communication with his Ex.now.And insensitive to your feelings.If he really loves you and wants to grow old with you..he should stay away from temptations ( sweet talk to ex..etc... ) and focus what plans you have now. Its hard to judge.. but i think you have to step down and think of yourself and your family as well. If family is affected it's another story. If he really loves you he will not do things that makes you hurt and jealous. And being far to each other is the main problem too. It is very tough.So it should be you and him saving the relationship. Are you in Phils now and what place? Good Luck to you and hope you will overcome all this painful situation.
God Bless.

[pacificelectric]

When you engage in a relation you should be careful not to remain too intimate with an ex. Sometimes it is difficult to delete the past but if you want to build a future you need to make choices. Incidentally I consider Facebook as crap. I recently decided to just cancel my membership and was amazed to find out they needed a justification to strike me off like they had the right to do so!

Anyway back to the topic a person who still fools around with an ex is not reliable. Again you need a good reason for that. I still have contacts with an ex of mine but she happens to be an excellent doctor and whenever I have some health issue or need a medicine with a prescription I ask her first but apart from that we are merely friends and there is no misunderstanding and no crossing of the intimate border. And discussing the past over and over is always destructive.

Who was that English writer who said: "men want to be the first in a woman's life, and women want to be the last in a man's life....." Somerset Maugham perhaps????

[monkeyface]

Thank you all for your comments. I wanted to know your opinions of what I was going through. I really needed them in this painful stage.

I know I am to blame as well. I have no intention of controlling him at all unfortunately, that's probably what he thinks. All I'm asking is some understanding and consideration of my feelings.

Funny, I am going through this with a guy I've only been physically together with for 10 days and the rest of the time we spent together were online. I didn't know LDR hurts this bad. I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved him but no one has ever hurt me and make me cry this much.

Tomorrow, a present I sent him for VD (which was lost in the delivery 2 weeks ago) is going to be redelivered. I was so excited to see that look on his face again as he opens presents. We always open presents together. Now I will not see that look this time and maybe forever. I hope he will like it still though...

[Shayla]

But Shayla said, Brits doesnt want to be controlled... yep, can be true... but there is always an exception to the rule... if it is too much then it is too much...

Please be okay... I am sure there is someone out there who will love you as much.

Pray harder (it works)

Take care!

Yup I agree with you that there is an exception but anyway as I've said not all British men are like that..

Good post Zobel..(Ate)

[adam&chryss]

well i don't think it was ur fault... it's natural to be jealous when you really love him.
me i don't easily get jealous but when it comes with "ex", i do get jealous. i guess because they had an intimate past and if they started talking bout this things.. your bf will have some comparison and might lead to deeper meaning with them. if it's just a natural hi and hello that's not a problem. but with the extent of talking bout their past and bout how they were when they're still together, seems like they're missing it.
ur bf should respect how u feel and same thing with his ex, she should respect ur relationship. i'm sure she knew that u r jealous and she should have stop flirting with ur bf.
but seems ur bf value more of his relationship to his ex than you.. well better let him go...
u will find a better guy.

my husband stopped having communication with his ex without me saying it... it was his own decission.
in a relationship you should have both love and respect. that's what i believe. not 'LOVE' alone.

[misscarie]

you are not normal if u dont get jealous don't blame urself.If he (ex/bf) doesn't respect ur feelings he is st*pid.Communicating with ex without having a deep reason is unacceptable "unless" they have kids.And if he still chatting to his ex online or through txt , facebook or watever the hell it is talking rubbish , flirting to each other are foul. If he really loves you he will respect you and never hurt ur feelings.

cheer up girl , and god bless you.

Move Forward thou it's not easy to do.

[KeithD]

Voodoo

[misscarie]

Voodoo

Hahaha as always , funny boss

[Piamed]

I absolutely detest insecurities and jealousy. Having said that, each party should not be doing anything to cause it. That is easier said than done though, as some people cannot help being jealous in situations that many people would not be.

Each couple is different and so is each situation. Many people will know of situations when they have disagreed with a friend's jealousy and yet will have their own situations where others have disagreed with them too.

I am a man who loves a relatively stress-free life and thus married someone I trust and that trusts me - I think . Life can be complicated enough; why involve others?

[misscarie]

I am a man who loves a relatively stress-free life and thus married someone I trust and that trusts me - I think . Life can be complicated enough; why involve others?

Kuya Toks , your dancing queen wife trusted you for sure

i know jealousy can end up a relationship , if this two blokes sending flirty messages i dont think its normal

Did u removed the hanging clothes already

[Pepe n Pilar]

Hi Monkeyface,


Just want to share this article .


Nobody addressed the REAL cause of jealousy!

Like many people you might've been told "it's your fault", or "it's all in your head." Or may-be you heard you should "just let go" (of your feelings) and "get on with your life!"

How's that going for you? You might have found it didn't work.

The reason it didn't work is because...

These in your gut feelings aren't about trust -- they're about FEAR .

>fear of abandonment - feeling left on a doorstep or thrown away

>fear of loss of love - that crucial loss of connectedness

>fear of being dishonored in the relationship - feeling emotionally shipwrecked, paralyzed with humiliating images of your partner in the arms of another

>fear of being shamed in the community - feeling ashamed your family and neighbors will think you weren't a good enough partner and talk

>unresolved issues from past relationships - feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, or pain that are deeply rooted in past relationships

>lack of (you fill in the blank) issues - respect from partner, closeness, sex, attention, excitement, affection, companionship, feeling wanted, cared for, loved

>poor self esteem - the harsh inner critic constantly criticizing, punishing, and belittling

>desire for revenge or vindictive feelings - feelings of revenge only stir up the ashes of your own hurt and resentment and make your life miserable

It doesn't matter if these emotions are "real" or not. And until you examine, and begin to heal them, that bitter taste will seep in again and again.


Now, you might be wondering,
Why hasn't anyone ever told me this before?

In fact, as you may have already found, most counselors just don't know how to tackle this problem. Or, they think it's too hard to overcome.

However, you can take to help you stop the nasty feelings within seconds, stop despair from ruling your life and...


Have the Relationships You Were Meant To Have!
Goodluck.

[charlwill]

And this one too.

Jealousy arises in 'loving' relationships because of three factors:
comparison, competition, and the fear of being replaced.
If we become more autonomous and self-creating,
these three features of relationships become less significant
and hence the passion of jealousy becomes less likely.

However, within ordinary, possessive relationships, jealousy is normal:
If we find ourselvesreplaced, supplanted, traded-in for a better model,
we naturally feel a tremendous sense of loss, anger, grief, and betrayal.

This bitter feeling of hurt and hostility we call "jealousy"
can become one of the most powerful obsessions of human life.
And yet, this emotion is a social product—with deep cultural roots.
If we have learned how to feel jealous, can we unlearn this response?

If we are loved for the unique persons we are becoming,
then comparison with rivals diminishes.
And when we are no longer in competition with other women or men,
we become less vulnerable to feeling jealous.
If we become irreplaceable in our relationships, then jealousy disappears.

Thus the basic way to prevent jealousy
is to become unique and irreplaceable persons.
And becoming more Authentic may be the best way
to transcend the threat of being replaced by potential rivals.

[Piamed]

Not always but sometimes a person becomes jealous as they know they are doing enough to keep their person happy. Usually, they then start trying to restrict their partners movements and activitiesas they know their is much better thean them out there. Guys display this much more overtly than women.

You know, the only thing I felt insecure about while waiting for Pia to go back to school and complete the 2 remaining years of university , was that she would graduate and then not want me. I never told her directly but joked about it a couple of times. It was as others suggested earlier, due to my fear of losing the most amazing person to enter my life. It was so hard for a while i must admit!

Hey Elena, i will post a pic of my gym now - it's terrible

[tiN]

Especially LDR, you cant help your self. Sometimes you will feel insecure also because he is very far from you.

Just move on, remember he gave up on you, you didnt.

And its his loss not yours

Cheer up

[charlwill]

LDR and TRUST goes together. It really depend on the person and how you show the TRUST to your bf/gf. If there is no TRUST, there's no LOVE, if there is LOVE there is TRUST.

[Pepe n Pilar]

Living together or being in a long distance relationship doesn't make any difference. If the partner wants to flirt, wants to have a relationship with someone, he/she may do so. We don't have control on any person. It is not a thing that you can possess, he is a human being. Any one that is trully and deeply inlove with his/her partner has to be concerned or has to respect his/her feelings. Thus, if he/she doesn't care at all of what you may feel then it is time for you to think, think, think, are you on the right track?

[nids123]

hi monkeyface sorry to hear ur sad story.hope u will get over it soon i know how hard it is the feelings to lost ur love. jelousy is normal but it defends,i think u have the right to get jelouse to them coz of the way they exchange messeges to each other sounds still there.or maybe im wrong but my husband has 2 ex his devorce 2x and he always have communcations to both of them coz of thiere kids but they dont talk like sweet or there past they talk about the kids.and i dont mind to taht coz i have kids too and i know the feelings. anyway i wish ur happiness and soon u well meet someone better than him.

[gemini63]

This is all can say if i wr you..Try to ask yourself? Are you willing to lost him or not? If u cant accept losing him in ur life, you have to control urself not being jelous.Thus, do and give the best in you to him.Show to him your much more better than anybody else.By doing that, he can now compare and makes him think that your worth keeping than anybody else.Make urself not only his lover but also a best friend to him.In that way, he has no more reason to seek it from somebody more than you could do to him.Stop nagging about your jelousy to his ex. He will feel guilty in the long run.If theres a time that ur really feel so hurt inside, dont say or tell him"dont do it" , better tell him in a right way that makes him feel guilty..If he still goes on hurting you, and you think not reasonable anymore, coz u did your best already, better feel sorry for yourself ang move on.Goodluck to you....

[monkeyface]

Thank you all for your comments and advices. After reading them, I realized maybe I am really over sensitive. It is really me who has problems. I will try to sort it out with him and hopefully he will accept me again after so many times we have fought about this. I will try to win him back and be the girl he once fell in love with.

[PeterB]

Well done. I believe that you would always have regrets if you didn't make an attempt to recover a two year relationship. But, as I said earlier, it takes some give and take on both sides - I hope that he is aware of this.

No one else really seems to have picked up on this, but I'm sure that there are cultural differences involved.

[monkeyface]

Well done. I believe that you would always have regrets if you didn't make an attempt to recover a two year relationship. But, as I said earlier, it takes some give and take on both sides - I hope that he is aware of this.

No one else really seems to have picked up on this, but I'm sure that there are cultural differences involved.

Thanks sir, we talked and apologized for hurting each other. We are remaining good friends. Only time will tell when we will be back together, hopefully by then it will be forever.

[PeterB]

Thanks sir, we talked and apologized for hurting each other. We are remaining good friends.

Well, that's a good start.

Only time will tell when we will be back together, hopefully by then it will be forever.

I hope and pray that will be true!

God Bless you.

[trader dave]

hi monkey face my young fiancee is just the same i am here in uk she is in cdo she gets so jelious if i even mention an ex but she also tells me that if she wasent to get jelious she not feel the true love for me so what can i say but shes says it be better when she does eventualy get to the uk

[Les_lady888]

Like many people you might've been told "it's your fault", or "it's all in your head." Or may-be you heard you should "just let go" (of your feelings) and "get on with your life!"

How's that going for you? You might have found it didn't work.

The reason it didn't work is because...

These in your gut feelings aren't about trust -- they're about FEAR .

I somehow agree on this........but let me add that sometimes it could not be jealousy at all nor fear.......it could also be about COMMUNICATION. We all know that women and men have different ways of expressing themselves....A woman might say things which a man might perceive differently....which often results to a woman fretting, feeling vulnerable, feeling unsettled, and totally misunderstood.

But the point is...why do most men often conclude it is jealousy??? ..then questions trust??? and will say to his woman: "If only you can trust me more?".........Is she really jealous? Is she really doubting?.......or is it reallt she who is doubting? or you?,,,,,,,,,.Awww man should learn how to listen and read in between the lines.....or maybe learn to ask more and not doubt....or maybe he just have to be more and extra loving during this so-called "moody" moments of gf eh?

[KeithD]

Blimey you're digging up an old post!

[aromulus]

Blimey you're digging up an old post!

Too much time at hand and nothing to do with it.....