Most unbelievable conversations between tower and pilots.
Take note please that these are supposed to be real life conversations....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "to avoid unnecessary noise, please turn right 45 degrees."
Pilot: "What noise we could be making at 35000 feet?"
Tower: "As much noise as when your 707 would hit 727 in front of you!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
T: "Are you Airbus 320 or 340?"
P: "Obviously A340."
T: "Could you be so nice then and start the other two engines before take-off?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
P: "Good morning Bratislava."
T: "Good morning, just for your information, this is Vienna."
P: "We are on approach for landing Bratislava."
T: "This is really Vienna."
P: "Vienna?"
T: "Yes, Vienna."
P: "But why? We need to get to Bratislava."
T: "So abort landing and turn left!"
---------------------------------------------------------
Tower - sarcastically to pilot who just landed real hard:
"OK, landing doesn't need to be secret, passengers have a right to know they are on tarmac."
Pilot:
"Never mind, they are always clapping anyway..."
--------------------------------------------------------
Pilot of Alitalia airplane which was hit mid-flight by lightning:
"Nearly everything is off, nothing is working even altimeter is doesn't show anything....."
After some five minutes of his whining pilot of another airplane responds:
"So shut up and die as a man!"
--------------------------------------------------------
P: "We don't have enough fuel, need instructions immediately."
T: "What's your position? Can't see you on the radar."
P: "Standing on runway 2, waiting for a tanker..."
--------------------------------------------------------------
T: "Your height and position please?"
P: "180 centimetres, sitting on front left seat..."
-----------------------------------------------------
T: "Do you have enough fuel or you don't?"
P: "Yes"
T: "Yes what?"
P: "Yes Sir!"
---------------------------------------------



After each fight the crew fills in a form - so called Grip - with all the technical problems and faults that appeared during the flight.
Engineers read it, mend the faults and fill in solution of the problem.
It is very specific kind of humour.
Quantas Airlines issued a book with best from these forms....

Problem: Inner left tyre almost needs exchange.
Solution: Inner left tyre almost exchanged.
---------------------------------------------
Problem: Test flight O.K. but automatic landing was very hard.
Solution: There is no automatic landing installed on this craft.
--------------------------------------------------
Problem: Something loose in the cockpit.
Solution: Something was tightened in the cockpit.
---------------------------------------------------
Problem: Dead bugs on the windscreen.
Solution: Live bugs ordered.
-----------------------------
Problem: Engine nr. 3 is missing!
Solution: After short search engine was found on right wing.
-----------------------------------------
Problem: Target radar is humming.
Solution: Radar reprogrammed by adding some lyrics.
---------------------------------------------------
Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.
------------------------
Problem: Weird sound underneath instrument board. Sounds like dwarf banging on something with hammer .
Solution: Hammer taken away from dwarf.