What Should I Do with my Hubby?

[brithubbysuck]

I really need some advice to everybody here on the site.

This is regarding my relationship with my husband. The two of us are both in our 20's, who were single when we got married.

I was the one who paid off his plane ticket, expenses to come here in the Philippines. By the way I am a pure Filipina. I did loved him that time, this is the reason why I did send him money to come here and then my mom gave us 20,000php to go to manila and have the CNI from the British embassy.

Then, even my mom spent money on the aircon, and our new bed. We lived in my parents' house and currently staying in my room.

For the first few days or weeks, we are okay but I can't understand him going out and then going home like 1am-2am. He has money from his employer who sent his salary thru his atm card.

Guess what? He spent his money drinking and just treat me out for food and some clothing. This is in first month... however, when the months passed by everything has getting a little bit clearer on who the man I am marrying with...

I admit I am very much a workaholic I do have a hombased job and biz that's about it, we see each other everyday. But the thing is, he is always out anytime he wants and go home anytime he wants as if he is still single and not married.

We always argue... now I decided to buy a house worth 3.4 million pesos which I pay on installment I don't ask him to help in paying it. Then, he decided to have a vehicle a multicab (a pick-up smaller size) worth 170,000php. Downpayment was 28,500php. He want me to pay for the downpayment. So I paid up around 22,500php and the remaining was his.

I run short in my first payment for the house it was 33,700php. He always stress out that it's my fault that I know I can't afford the house. If he did not even asked me and bugged me to pay the downpayment I would have not been late in payment. He even got mad on the night before we got the vehicle told him I aint going to pay for the downpayment since I need to pay the house, he even lay hands on me and even tried to box my father when we had arguments.

I always gave in to him, like he wants to sleep alone in my room i will let him do it, he tells me to sleep out in the couch. Then, he said not to disturb him when he is watching a movie in the computer.

He does not want to minimize his drinking and smoking he always spend money until no more centavo left on him. He spent money on me for food like Mcdonalds for 50php, and pizza, and Thirsty shakes and that's it.

He does not want to compromise, he said he hates laziness that is sleeping during the day. I do sleep during the day because I slept 2am, 3am, 5am ofcourse I have to recover my sleep.

Laziness? My reason for sleeping is with reason him? He just go out drink beer and spend all his money or watch movies inside room.

Now, I come to a point where I think and feel I don't love him anymore. I want out from this relationship. Told him to leave me and find another woman he said its not gonna happen. You know why? because he does not have the money for the plane ticket going back to his country.

I said to him I am going to stop sleeping during the day or even give up on my work what you will do? Do you give up on your drinking, he said? Drinking and my sleeping is not of same level. Hmm, it's just the same he hates me sleeping and I hate him drinking.

He does not want to leave the house of my parents. I just want him out of my life, of my family...

I just want to have a peaceful life and be happy...

[Mrs.JMajor]

He does not want to leave the house of my parents. I just want him out of my life, of my family...

I just want to have a peaceful life and be happy...

Sorry to hear your story,on your thread " introducing yourself" i asked if you are in ILR status,didnt realize youre living there in PI
But as you notice i qoute the last word,was confussed thought you already live separately from your parents as you bought installment house

Simple if i were you,(might other british will get a bit of upset on my reply) but the fact he always give you problem and stress,try to visit DSWD on your local municipality and tell all about your husband,just to make him aware that he is not on his own country,he should obey,and to the fact that he hurt you physically,Gosh that is too much!! we have a law in the Phil,(of course even in the UK) you cant be a battered wife in your own country to the fact your husband is british


Good luck girl,wishing you can sort it out quick,give us updates and keep posting,

[Happy_Now]

I really need some advice to everybody her
I just want to have a peaceful life and be happy...

I feel very sorry for you ading. I cant believe it. Your husband is a bad image of british man. He is different.
Many of us errrr almost all of us were very lucky to have british husband which we find them kind, good, generous, masipag and very loving. Strange
You had picked a bad egg.

I cant give you nice advice yet but i will pray for you...
May God give you wisdom so you can do what is right and that He will give you happy and peaceful life in the future by His love, mercy & grace..
Keep trusting God my dear.

[KeithD]

You've just discovered the average British guy.......any hint of an easy life and we'll take it.....and take it all

Buy him a nice shiny case......and tell him it's his goodbye present....he may wake up...

[jimeve]

You've just discovered the average British guy.......any hint of an easy life and we'll take it.....and take it all

Buy him a nice shiny case......and tell him it's his goodbye present....he may wake up...

All i got was a nice shiny bin bag.

[sysop]

Get the marriage annulled. It of course cost, but from I can read, it's alot cheaper than having him staying there. He won't ever change, so don't waste any more time nor energy on him.

Lots of other nice guys out there ..... some of them are even british ... hehe

[MarBell379]

That sounds like a horrible situation, and as an Englishman I apologise for the behaviour of a fellow countryman. I'm not sure of the laws in Philippines, but from your story it does sound like it is a relationship that is unlikely to work and I can see why you'd want to get out.
You said he gets paid by his employer through his ATM card? Is he employed in Philippines?
If he gets paid I see no reason why he should be taking money from you all the time, and even if he doesn't earn much he should be trying to earn more instead of wasting.
With such a short marriage I hope you can get things resolved quickly. Lots of us have made mistakes, the only bad decisions though are those we don't learn from.
Good luck

[trader dave]

he is an english MAN well maybe he should grow up when he gets to 40 he might relise to have a young girl like you that works and SUPPORTS HIM thats the things dreams are made of.

[subseastu]

I really feel for you in this situation. I'm not going to apolagise for this "man" you married as its not a fair reflection on the rest of us. Unfortunately you've ended up with a bad one. If this guy has tried to beat you you need to go to the police straight away. You are suffering from physical and mental abuse which in anyone who has a shread of moral fibre is wrong. Go to police with your father and get him hauled off.

Beating on a woman is the lowest form of scum, especailly as it sounds like you're keeping him in house and home. Does he work in the philippines or in the uk. It could be he's lost his job in the uk maybe and he'll just sit on your sofa till he's bled you dry.

As mentioned before try to get this marrage annuled. It'll cost but it'll be better for you and your family. Just thinking, when he goes out on one of his drinking adventures can't you get the locks on your doors changed? Get them changed and throw his stuff out in the street. You must have family and neighbours around you to help if he starts to kick off.

Failing that pay a man to see that this w%*ker has an accident

[IainBusby]

You don't actually say how long you have been married, but from what you have said it sounds like this marriage is still in it's early days. If this is the case then I'm sure you have already realised that it's not going to stand the test of time.

I think you should somehow have him removed from your family home, forcibly if need be, even if you have to pay some heavies to do it for you. Then, although it will be expensive, file for an annulment.

Annulment is a long slow process, so the sooner you get it underway, the sooner you will be rid of him and you can move on with your life again.

Iain.

[pennybarry]

He is too young to marry and cannot do his responsibilities.
As a saying goes, "para kang kumuha ng bato na pinukpok mo sa ulo mo" (It's like you pick-up a stone to hit your head"
But then, there still time to do some steps while you're still young.
Have your marriage be annulled and never be shy to tell him your real feeling.

[Florge]

Hi. Your story is disturbing. I hope you'll find a good lawyer to help you in this dilemma. If I were in your situation, I would file a case in violation of RA 9262.. when filed, he can be deported since he's a foreigner and must be tried in the country of origin... that is, if he's still alive after a night in Philippine jail... hehehe... kidding...

Once he's deported, you got rid of him. And don't worry about annullment. He will divorce you soon and that means your marriage here is dissolved.

[vbkelly]

hung him upside down in the tree with loads of ants hehehe

[katie37pinayuk]

do everything you can to get rid of him. you are still very young with a bright future and you deserved to be treated with love and respect

[adam&chryss]

It seems like in this story the shoe is on the other foot so to speak!
Normally its the man that gets taken for a ride by the woman in most of the cases that i`ve heard.
You should definately get rid of him as he sounds like a waster and a slob.
Send him back home to work for his living and get on with your life.
You`ve given him plenty of time and chances to prove his worth, and it seems his worth is a big fat ZERO!
All the best for the future.

[aposhark]

Hi,

From what you have typed, the obvious solution is to get him out of your life and be safe as you do this.
Tell him it is over and you want him to leave your place.
Have some men there when you ask him to go.

Break off all contact and let him fend for himself.
If he is getting money, then he can buy his own one-way plane ticket.

Best of luck

[Jay&Zobel]

So sorry to know about your situation...

I doubt he will leave the Philippines even if you will give him a plane ticket back to UK, because he basically a:
PENSIONER (living comfortably with your money)
DEPENDENT (shelter, food, clothing, vices and all)

He may receive odd amounts of money from his employer (?) - what's his work? But, yes, they are all right - better find a good lawyer and file an annulment.

Did you make a Prenuptial agreement? If not, he may have 50% of all your properties as they are CONJUGAL... (hope not)

http://www.learningpartnership.org/e...aw/philippines

http://www.kasal.com/html/rr/thelaw/thelaw15.html

Take care and hope things will go well soon... You deserve to be happy!

[Mrs.JMajor]

Such a very smart reply Zobel

[Arthur Little]

Chuck him out ... NOW! You deserve better than this Sponger.

[keithAngel]

Unbelievable

[ANDRES25]

wow! you're too generous to pay for his ticket and pay for almost evrything. i think that when he leaves the house one day just change the locks to your doors and do not let him in ha ha ha!!! seriously, you do not deserve a man like that....

[Piamed]

From what you have described you appear to be in a terrible situation but can I point out a couple of things from an alternative perspective?

I was the one who paid off his plane ticket, expenses to come here in the Philippines. By the way I am a pure Filipina. I did loved him that time, this is the reason why I did send him money to come here and then my mom gave us 20,000php to go to manila and have the CNI from the British embassy.

Then, even my mom spent money on the aircon, and our new bed. We lived in my parents' house and currently staying in my room

Although unusual, there is nothing wrong with this in my opinion as that is what one loves when one loves another as you clearly stated that you did. You are clearly in a better financial position than him so fair enough.

Many on the forum have spent vast sums pursuing the one they love! That shows they love their partner and the money they spend is an investment in their future as a family and is thus, for them both!

For the first few days or weeks, we are okay but I can't understand him going out and then going home like 1am-2am. He has money from his employer who sent his salary thru his atm card.

The fact that you connect these two sentences together in a paragraph suggests that you believe they are somehow connected but have not really explained your thinking.

You go on to explain that you are a workaholic; that causes many problems in relationships. Although not my pastime, perhaps your husband goes out as he feels neglected. You said that he received some money from his employer; presumably that was a one-off payment as he is clearly not undertaking work for that employer whilst in da Phils.

Guess what? He spent his money drinking and just treat me out for food and some clothing. This is in first month... however, when the months passed by everything has getting a little bit clearer on who the man I am marrying with...

I admit I am very much a workaholic I do have a hombased job and biz that's about it, we see each other everyday. But the thing is, he is always out anytime he wants and go home anytime he wants as if he is still single and not married.

It seems that you are saying he spent some of the only funds he got from his employer whilst there taking you out but now that he does not have anymore he cannot do that. You want him at home but what is he to do whilst you are being a 'workaholic'?

We always argue... now I decided to buy a house worth 3.4 million pesos which I pay on installment I don't ask him to help in paying it. Then, he decided to have a vehicle a multicab (a pick-up smaller size) worth 170,000php. Downpayment was 28,500php. He want me to pay for the downpayment. So I paid up around 22,500php and the remaining was his.

Amiga, why did 'you' decideto buy a house. Marriage is a joint commitment; it seems as though you are both operating as single people.

Surely, if your husband wants a multi-cab he is trying to work to generate income. Also, is it legat for a Brit to drive a multi-cab? I've no idea although I can foresee a few problems.

I run short in my first payment for the house it was 33,700php. He always stress out that it's my fault that I know I can't afford the house. If he did not even asked me and bugged me to pay the downpayment I would have not been late in payment. He even got mad on the night before we got the vehicle told him I aint going to pay for the downpayment since I need to pay the house, he even lay hands on me and even tried to box my father when we had arguments.

It seems that you are both at fault here and do not communicate enough as you are not a team. Noone should put their hands on anyone be it a man hitting a woman or vice versa.

I always gave in to him, like he wants to sleep alone in my room i will let him do it, he tells me to sleep out in the couch. Then, he said not to disturb him when he is watching a movie in the computer.

So you should let him sleep in 'your' room and I imagine that you tell him not to disturb you when you are being a 'workaholic'.

He does not want to minimize his drinking and smoking he always spend money until no more centavo left on him. He spent money on me for food like Mcdonalds for 50php, and pizza, and Thirsty shakes and that's it.

This does sound bad of him but in a marriage you cannot keep tallies of what who does what and how much it cost.

He does not want to compromise, he said he hates laziness that is sleeping during the day. I do sleep during the day because I slept 2am, 3am, 5am ofcourse I have to recover my sleep.

You cannot have it all your way. It seems that you believe everything you do is correct and everytjing he does in incorrect.

Remember, almost all men will feel awkward when not having money and living in their inlaws house, in another country and with their wife indicating that she is doing everything and he is not doing anything meaningful.

Laziness? My reason for sleeping is with reason him? He just go out drink beer and spend all his money or watch movies inside room.

Now, I come to a point where I think and feel I don't love him anymore. I want out from this relationship. Told him to leave me and find another woman he said its not gonna happen. You know why? because he does not have the money for the plane ticket going back to his country.

I said to him I am going to stop sleeping during the day or even give up on my work what you will do? Do you give up on your drinking, he said? Drinking and my sleeping is not of same level. Hmm, it's just the same he hates me sleeping and I hate him drinking.

He does not want to leave the house of my parents. I just want him out of my life, of my family...

I just want to have a peaceful life and be happy...

You both do things the other does not like and need to learn to compromise.

My view is that you saw something in him to make you want him there with you. He presumably felt the same.

Now that you have hit obstacles where you cannot both be as selfish as you want, you want out. Well, that's up to you but I would encourage you both to grow up and think of how you can both be better spouses for each other and work at your marriage.

All the best!

[aposhark]

........but I would encourage you both to grow up and think of how you can both be better spouses for each other and work at your marriage.

All the best!

I agreed with a lot of your observations Piamed, BUT he has been physically abusing her and her family.
I think he has crossed the line, and needs a very firm exit.

[keithAngel]

Many on the forum have spent vast sums pursuing the one they love! That shows they love their partner and the money they spend is an investment in their future as a family and is thus, for them both!

All excellent points Piamed when I wrote "Unbelievable" I really thought about it

Possibly off topic whats a "troll"

[scott&ligaya]

"a troll is a wierd person who derives pleasure from making up fictional posts usually deliberately inflamatory or controversial and then sits back and watches site members argue with each other. Often they will withdraw from the arguement and just watch.... "

got this from the editor of Asiaxpat a self help site ex-pats working in Asia, he used to get this on the advice forums particularly the mariage and relationship forum

Scott

[aposhark]

Possibly off topic whats a "troll"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_troll

It is good that you have not come across one of them online yet, Keith.
There are hundreds of thousands of them out there!

Do not feed the trolls.............

[Florge]

Hi, I can only suggest this simple solution to your case: file a case against your husband in violation of Republic Act 9262 (Violence against Women and their Children). When a formal complaint happens, you can then go to DFA to report him and ask that he gets deported. Once that happens, you were able to get rid of your husband.... don't file annullment yet... wait till he divorces you when he's in UK.. and I'm sure he will.. in that case, once the divorce is done, your marriage here in the Phils is automatically disolved (Art. 26 of Family Code).

[IainBusby]

Hi, I can only suggest this simple solution to your case: file a case against your husband in violation of Republic Act 9262 (Violence against Women and their Children). When a formal complaint happens, you can then go to DFA to report him and ask that he gets deported. Once that happens, you were able to get rid of your husband.... don't file annullment yet... wait till he divorces you when he's in UK.. and I'm sure he will.. in that case, once the divorce is done, your marriage here in the Phils is automatically disolved (Art. 26 of Family Code).

I'm not so sure he would divorce her once he's in the UK. There are lots of people here who have been separated from an ex husband or wife for many years and have never bothered to get divorced because they probably see it as an unnecessary expense. Many end up just living together with a new partner and if and when they do get divorced, it is usually because they have decided to re-marry.

It is also possible that if his previous marriage took place in the Philippines, he might re-marry in the UK without bothering to get divorced as there would be no trace of his previous marriage in the UK.
Iain.

[Florge]

I'm not so sure he would divorce her once he's in the UK. There are lots of people here who have been separated from an ex husband or wife for many years and have never bothered to get divorced because they probably see it as an unnecessary expense. Many end up just living together with a new partner and if and when they do get divorced, it is usually because they have decided to re-marry.

It is also possible that if his previous marriage took place in the Philippines, he might re-marry in the UK without bothering to get divorced as there would be no trace of his previous marriage in the UK.
Iain.

True.. and if that's the case, their marriage here will be dissolved because foreign husband has re-marry.

[IainBusby]

True.. and if that's the case, their marriage here will be dissolved because foreign husband has re-marry.

But he might not remarry, ever. And if he did, how would she know that he had, if he just decided not to bother divorcing her first I mean. She would be left in limbo, probably never knowing if she was still married or not. That is the point I am trying to make.
Iain.