"I'd like to get a job but I have a problem with my back, I can't get it out of bed!" - Jackie Mason
"One thing I could never be is gay, I'd only have men rejecting me aswell!" - Bernard Manning
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early!" - Charles Lamb
"I always travel 1st class on the train. It's the only way to avoid my creditors!" - Seymour Hicks
"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the Police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife!" - Llie Nastase
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons!" - Woody Allen
"Women prefer men that have something tender about them, especially legal tender!" - Kay Ingram
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch!" - Woody Allen
"I started out with nothing, I still have most of it!" - Michael Davis
"My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic!" - Spike Milligan
"A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her!" - W.C. Fields
"Your not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on!" - Dean Martin
"He had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar!" - Mike Harding
"My pappy told me never to bet my bladder against a brewery!" - Lane Kirkland
"Actually, it only takes me one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth!" - George Burns
"I used to keep my college roommate from reading my personal mail by hiding it in her textbooks!" - Joan welsh
"In our school you were searched for guns and knives on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some!" - Emo Philips
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants!" - A.W. Brown
"My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic!" - Spike Milligan
"I gave up spinach for lent!" - F. Scott Fitzgerald
"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks!" - Joe E. Lewis
"When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence!" - Brendan Behan
"Insanity is heriditary; you can get it from your children!" - Sam Levenson
"My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them!" - Rita Rudner
"I have good looking kids, thank goodness my wife cheats on me!" - Rodney Dangerfield
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult!" - Charlotte Whitton
"Isn't it funny how everyone in favour of abortion has already been born?!" - Patrick Murray
"You know your getting old when you bend to tie your shoes, and then wonder what else you can do while your down there!" - George Burns
"It takes forty dumb animals to make a fur coat, but only one to wear it!" - Bryn jones
"Never raise your hand to kids, it leaves your groin area unprotected!" - Red Buttons
"I'm such a good lover 'cause I practice a lot on my own!" - Woody Allen
"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on!" - Joan Rivers
"I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't!" - Patrick Murray
"My wife is a sex object, every time I ask for sex, she objects!" - Les Dawson
"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe it can be physically done, and the other half are doing it!" - Winston Churchill
Written Spike Milligans grave: "I told you I was ill!"
"I can't for the life of me understand why people keep insisting why marriage is doomed. All five of mine worked out!" - Peter De Vries
"There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed!" - George Burns
"Of course prostitutes have babies, where do you think traffic wardens come from?!" - Dave Dutton
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels!" - Groucho Marx
"Any man can support the girl he marries, but what is he going to live on?!" - joseph Salek
"I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin!" - Groucho Marx
"I have a television set in every room of the house but one. There has to be some place you can go when Bob Monkhouse is on." - Benny Hill
"I've done my bit for motion pictures, I've stopped making them." - Liberace
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No it's all in perfect working order!" - Spike Milligan
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more!" - Walter Matthau
Now PRINT this page and stick to your fridge with them magnet thingys and never feel unhappy again!
