The CFO

[agroberts]

Hi all,

First off I'm a septic... but I voted for Obama, and I have been an ex-pat since 1996... just wanted to get that out of the way - and for good reason, the US sucks... but its marginally better than the Philippines...but slowly reaching some sick sort of equilibrium...

Anyhow enough of that...

Here is the latest CFO nightmare....

First off, after a lot of digging around on the net because of course the CFO phone was busy for hours due to the lack of cheap labor in the Philippines, this is the list of requirements that we came up with :

Requirements for Registration

1. Original valid passport;
2. Original and photocopy of visa;
3. One (1) 2x2 or passport-size photograph;
4. One (1) valid identification card with photograph;
5. Original and photocopy of Confirmation of Permanent Residence (for Canada-bound emigrant);
6. Original and photocopy of Immigrant Data Summary (for USA bound emigrant);
7. Photocopy of Certificate of Eligibility (for Japan bound emigrant);
8. Original and photocopy of letter of approval for Work to Residence visa (for New Zealand bound emigrants);
9. Photocopy of employment contract (for immigrant workers);
10. Duly completed registration form (downloadable a XXXXXXXXXXX
11. Payment of P400.00 registration fee; and
12. Attendance in the PDOS or peer counseling session;


________________________________________________________

Outstanding Scotty, get that dried up old matron a SMB, and beam her up for a rectal exam, she has a brain tumor...

Now... armed with this information, my fiancee spent the entire day travelling to MAYnila, all the way from Baguio. Nice trip on a Philippin Rabbit. Sweet.

She gets there the night before, spends the night in a hotel, and makes it to the CFO 1 hour early.

I got a call at about 11 am her time, fortunately as it were, because she was at the CFO and she needed to know my mother's last name. NOT her married name, but her MAIDEN name. Hmmm.. that was not in the requirements...


Then she asked me for my father's MIDDLE name... again, that was not in the requirements... I can only imagine the bitter feeling that this bitch who was interviewing her must have felt when my fiancee was actually able to reach me and answer the questions.... BUT WAIT the crusty old matron was still to have her day....

I later found out that after attending this boondoggle of a "seminar" that the following was also asked for :

again, note that this was not posted on the CFO website....

1. The name of my grandfather (dead now for 17 years)
2. My course(s) of study in college - which she knew but was afraid to answer because she was worried that she might call it "Engineering" instead of "Engineering Physics"
3. The birthplace of my first wife.

I was LIVID when i heard about this, needless to say. So I propose the following checklist for any fiance(e)s who are going to this last ditch effort for the Philippine government to gouge their citizens....

___________________________________________

1. Evidence of any termination of a previous marriage. They do NOT list this on their website, and according to my fiancee, there were multiple people turned back on account of not having this. In spite of the fact that the completely paranoid US State Department has obviously checked this before issuing the visa....And in many cases the petitioner sends only one set of notarized documents which the embassy may or may not keep. This could set you back 2 weeks if you have to get another set. And of course you have already booked the tickets so that will cost you as well. Just remember, the CFO, like the RCMP, "The CFO will always get its pesos."



2. Provide a notarized document providing the following :

a) your mother's maiden name and original birth certificate
b) your college transcripts
c) a complete CV including jobs and domicile for the past 20 years - if you are too young to have had a job for the past 20 years, proceed to item J
d) your birth certificate, your blood type, your father's mother's maiden name, your first dog's name (if you have never owned a dog proceed to K), and your favorite car (if this car is pre-1970, proceed to L)
e) the name of your first crush
f) the name of your fourth grade teacher
g) your favorite flavor of cake
h) you must blow a bubble and e-mail a scan of it to them
i) you must insert a candy cane (sugar free) up your **** and send that UPS (DHL will not be accepted)
j) you must disrobe from the waist down, sit on a copy machine, and photocopy your anus. Digitize it and send it to them. BMP not accepted, only JPG
k) lick a stamp, send it to santa claus, then forward the invitation to CFO
l) learn how to speak Hittite, record a message stating your name and DOB, then email it to them
m) do the splits, tear your ligaments, then have a doctor send a DNA sample from your biopsy
m) an imprint of your tongue on a potato chip (Walkers Crisps if UK, Lay's if US)
n) send them a lollipop licked by Madonna (after giving MC Hammer a BJ), then have it blessed by the Pope
o) a pair of your gramma's worn underwear
p) the valve stem from a 1992 Nissan Stanza (LX edition)
q) a pair of socks worn in a 23k marathon
r)the "K" key from your computer keyboard
s) a pillow case that you have sneezed on
t) a picture of you and either a) Steven Tyler or b) Paula Abdul playing badminton
u) proof that the Philippines is not a backward cultural cesspool
v) 1000 peso note slipped discretely into an envelope


Note - your milage may vary. In recent surveys we have found that requirement U has been the most difficult to comply with, however that proceeding directly to requirement V has mitigated this.

please reply if you will t XXXXXXXXXXX