The Secrets of Succesful Filipina Courtships

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Want to have a succesful courtship with a Filipina, well you have to get to 1st base first.


Filipino men are known as being very handsome and almost all are very romantic, but why do I mention the men ? Isn’t it the ladies, that we are talking about.

Indeed we are, however it might help you to understand Philippine ladies much more by understanding Filipino males.

Why do I say this ? Knowing what his requirements are in a lady, will by default almost certainly help you to win the heart of a Filipina and make the adjustments that are required to help you have success with a courtship that would lead to marriage.

A Philippines lady is known throughout the world for her stunning beauty, her bright smile, her shy looks and her petite figure, but she has to be so much more than this, to be presentable in marriage within Filipino culture.

I write many of my articles mainly for the consumption of British men, however this article can actually apply to any nationality, it is through a lack of understanding of the Filipino way of life, that can lead to a misunderstanding.

Misunderstandings lead to problems in communication, such things as xenophobia and ignorance of Philippine society, simply will not do if you are to make a success of your relationship.

A Filipino has one major advantage over a Western man when it comes to courting a Philippines lady, that is he is of the same race, and cultural background, that in many ways puts him way ahead of us in finding his bride, but thankfully his requirements for a bride are much different to ours, and that’s where we can even out the playing field.

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The Interdependency of Filipinos.

Firstly you British men have simply got to learn about inter-dependency, and at first sight, I know what you are all thinking, “Why should I have to work and send money for her lazy relatives”, this is but one example of what I have heard during last few months, the object of this discussion is not to point the finger at anyone, let us take the example here, and extend it further, because in truth, the above statement is but the tip of the iceberg, what’s below the water, is of much more importance.

If you only took time to learn about your future wife/fiancée’s culture, you would never make that statement again, (and by the way, I’m not suggesting that you all did).

Western culture’s mainly the United States of America and U.K, believe in self-dependency, this is a system where we all act as individuals, the prospect of helping brothers, sisters, parents, is not in our blood, and certainly is far from being a pre-occupation in our lives, however, in Philippine society, it is the reverse, the Filipino way of doing things is very much called, inter-dependency, that is family reliance, or in effect social insurance, something very similar to the policies of the Clement Atlee government that took power in the UK in 1947, social insurance Filipino style is really seen in its purest form, the family is of course, the very basic unit of Philippine society, it makes sense then, that the family should be inter-dependant, expenses, for schooling, provision of basic needs, are often provided for by way of “yes” you have heard this before, “Sustento”, but let me tell you that Sustento is really only the vehicle by which inter-dependency can be achieved, there are many other ways of extending this, how does this affect the British man who is pursuing a daughter of the extended family.

Firstly, get ready for a shock, because I can hear some groaning already while I am writing this, when you marry a Philippines lady, you marry into the family, not just her, (so hey in my usual way, I will tell you to wake up and smell the coffee), marrying into a Philippine family is usually a culture shock in itself, but understanding it will go some way to helping you settle in.

Love and romance is a serious business in the Philippines, in fact very serious, I have already said once before, that we in the West may believe in casual sex, speed dating, one night stands, multiple partners, but they, that is the Filipinos do not, most Philippine woman are conservative when it comes to matters of love and marriage, although that is not to be confused with the sexual liberation of Philippine women that is now taking place, the practice of entering into relationships and marriage, is in fact a lifetime pre-occupation.

Most young Philippine women are raised by their parents and close family on communal housing developments known locally as Barangays, young Filipinos in the provinces have to be particularly careful about how they conduct themselves, when it comes to matters of sex and marriage, may I explain further.

In a Barangay it is pretty hard for a young Filipina to keep anything secret for long, people in the Barangay’s sadly have little to do all day but pass comment about any social issue that comes to mind, this is something that sadly happens, and many Filipinos will tell you , its not liked very much, but such is Barangay life ! If a young Filipina does not conduct herself appropriately, and with chasteness, word soon gets around, her chances of securing a successful suitor for the purposes of marriage may be severely restricted.

The Philippines is a Catholic country, and therefore virginity is a sacred issue, in the West, its unlikely that any of you will date a virgin, if you do, you might wonder why your girlfriend is a virgin, at least in truth, you will not expect to date one, and certainly its unlikely you will have ever married one, if you did, you should be in the guiness book of records.

Remember what I said in the preceding paragraphs, about understanding the Filipino male, well here is why, from what I have learned, its unlikely that a Filipino male will want to marry a Filipina who is not a virgin, Filipina’s of course are fully aware of this, and as a result of this one important asset they have, protection of it, is essential to ensure that suitors who are encouraged to call, will have good reason to propose marriage.

In Filipino culture, the lady herself is responsible to family, for the protection of her virginity, however having said that, many ladies become the victim of false promises, and tricked into parting with their virginity in exchange for the promise of marriage, some Filipinos sadly, have no intention of carrying through with the marriage, and this leaves the lady in a sad predicament.

This may be one of the reasons why most Filipina’s are reluctant to enter into a sexual relationship before marriage has taken place, even some Filipinos who are responsible for obtaining the virginity of a Filipina may be the very one who refused to marry her, he may reason that since he was easily able to obtain what he wanted, someone else might also do the same.

Some Filipina’s are often ostracized over this delicate matter, they become the object of gossip, and their chances of obtaining a marriage partner fall away in time, so how does that effect you.

Well in truth, most of us know that virginity is not particularly a big issue for us in the West, in fact because of our own cultural acceptances, we rarely expect to find a virgin, and so the prospect of it hardly brings any concern to us, in some ways this is very helpful to you in your search for a wife in the Philippines.

A Filipino male as we have discovered generally has a hang up about virginity, thankfully we do not, that kind of sets the playing field level, and means that in truth, your chances of meeting a young Filipino beauty within your own basic list of requirements is more than likely to be met, but what about her requirements in looking for a husband, what is she looking for ?

Lets examine this further, many Filipina’s are convinced that their chances of happiness in marriage will be greatly increased by having a Western husband, A Filipina is convinced that a Western man is not a womaniser, a drinker, a gambler, a playboy, or an abuser, sadly many Filipinos are known for this, however let me say, that there are millions of excellent Filipino males, good husbands and good fathers, we must never generalize when writing these articles, that would not be fair to the Philippine people, and to be subjective is of little value, we are looking here at the sincere expectations of a Filipina.

Sadly, many Filipinos tend to not be faithful during marriage, this is of great concern to a Filipina, it also causes embarrassment to her, should they be a victim of this, as in any culture, but more so to a Filipina, who has to endure the constant gossiping about her marriage, her husband may have taken a mistress, he may be a gambler, or a playboy, and not attending to his duties within the family, whatever the situation, she is convinced her chances of meeting a more mature man in the West will lead her to avoid some of these problems.

That is why age rarely tends to be a problem, she is convinced that an older man is more likely to be solvent, settled, emotionally stable, kind, caring, beyond the behaviours of young men, and more marriage minded.

This may be true, that is why it is normal for a Filipino to look for a man anywhere from 5 to 25 years older than herself.

Many Western men tend to be concerned about their looks and weight, because they think that a Filipina will not want them if they are overweight, in truth, overweight ness is a by product of Western culture, but to Asian cultures its often seen as a sign of maturity, wealth, and economic stability, Age and weight are shown respect in the Philippines, if you show concern over your weight, your Filipino companion may be wondering why ? And may tell you they like you just the way you are, again it’s a matter of viewpoint.

If you feel perhaps uncomfortable about your weight, looks, maybe slight loss of hair, it is accepted that everyone does get older in time, A Filipina of course would prefer a man to be good looking, slim and attractive that could be true of almost any race of women, but she is also a realist, she knows that some men will be more attractive than others, just the same as there are differing ranges of women in terms of beauty and appearance, what is more important to a Filipina is the qualities that a man can bring to a marriage alliance.

She would like to date a man who will be prepared to accept her for who she is, will love her unconditionally, will be loyal to her and not be prone to infidelities, will show her respect, and most of all, is a man with whom she is able to trust.

Cosmetic appearances you might be surprised to know fall generally further down the list, or if you want me to be brutally honest, are a bonus to her, maturity of age is important, as is economic stability, in other words, your solvency is important too, having a good career and the ability to provide her with a good home.

She isn’t looking for riches, and isn’t too much interested in how many houses, cars, Koi fish and garden Knomes sitting in the front garden, nor the size of your bank balance, so trying to impress her with all of this, is purely cosmetic, and in some circumstances can be a big turn off.

To understand the courtship rituals of the Filipina, we need to step back in time and look at what took place in the past, to understand what she is today, and how she behaves, is to look out how she would have behaved in the past.

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So what actually goes on in Filipino culture, as a British man, take a look at how a courtship works in Filipino terms, see what you think ?

The traditional Filipina maiden, is known as the dalagang Pilipina, so here goes

The traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipina maiden) is shy and secretive about her real feelings for a suitor and denies it even though she is really in love with the man.

Tuksuhan (teasing--and a girl's reaction to it) is a means for 'feeling out' a woman's attitude about an admirer or suitor. If the denial is vehement and the girl starts avoiding the boy, then he gets the message that his desire to pursue her is hopeless. The advantage of this is that he does not get embarrassed because he has not started courting the girl in earnest. As in most Asian cultures, Filipinos avoid losing face. Basted (from English busted) is the Tagalog slang for someone who fails to reach 'first base' in courting a girl because she does not have any feelings for him to begin with.

Ok so far so good, so to court a Filipina you have to get to first base, this is get her to have feelings for you.

However, if the girl 'encourages' her suitor (either by being nice to him or not getting angry with the 'teasers'), then the man can court in earnest and the tuksuhan eventually ends. The courtship then has entered a 'serious' stage, and the romance begins.

So in the initial stage when making contact with A Filipina, you are entering the Tuksuhan stage, or giving out teasers, more commonly now known in British-Filipina courtships as sparring, this is an initial period when you try to develop a broad based attraction between the two of you, sparring is a good way to find out if there is a chance of a courtship, very much the same as Tuksuhan but as it is often being done by e mail, text, or yahoo messaging, the body language used in Tuksuhan is difficult to gauge, as my colleague often says, if a filipina is interested in you, you will not be able to shut her up, in other words, her attraction to you will be obvious.

A man who is unable to express his affection to a woman (who may have the same feelings for him) is called a torpe (stupid), dungo (extremely shy), or simply duwag (coward). To call a man torpe means he does not know how to court a girl, is playing innocent, or does not know she also has an affection for him.

That should not be a problem really in this situation, as I suspect you lot are far from being a dungo ! Or a duwag.

Some guys are afraid of their love being turned down by the girl. In Tagalog, a guy whose love has been turned down by the girl is called sawi (romantically sad), basted (busted), or simply labless (loveless).

In our situations, if the girl you are pursuing is turning your advances down, at least it hasn’t cost you too much money, there is nothing worse than a flight to Manila, costs of hotels, and other items, to find that you are basted.

I know of at least 1 case, where a British man turned up in Cebu, for a filipina to reject him, he was indeed sawi, and labless.

Reading some of my materials here, and experiences, will help you to avoid being sawi, and labless, or basted.

The Courtship within Philippine Culture.

Now the courtship can begin, how does it work though in Philippine cultural and social situations.

Panliligaw or ligawan are the Tagalog terms for courtship, which in some parts of the Tagalog-speaking regions is synonymous with pandidiga or digahan (from Spanish diga, 'to say, express'). Manliligaw is the one who courts a girl; nililigawan is the one who is being courted.

In Philippine culture, courtship is far more subdued and indirect unlike in some Western societies. A man who is interested in courting a woman has to be discreet and friendly at first, in order not to be seen as too presko or mayabang (aggressive or too presumptuous). Friendly dates are often the starting point, often with a group of other friends. Later, couples may go out on their own, but this is still to be done discreetly. If the couple has decided to come out in the open about their romance, they will tell their family and friends as well.

Now you see why even though things are changing in the Philippines, a filipina is a discreet woman when it comes to public display’s of affection, no matter how much change is going on, and I am referring to sexual liberation of Philippine women, she still has an inbuilt tendency not to be touchy, feely, hugging, cuddling and petting, in public, she will be happy to escort you around the town, but she may not wish you to kiss her in public, touch her suggestively, fondle her, that is not to say, that she wont mind being kissed in private, a Filipina is happy with that to kiss the man she loves, but this has to be done discreetly, if she is to court a British man, she will want to tell her family openly about it, and any friends, introductions to friends family, and colleagues will need to be made, your personal grooming and behaviour is of great importance in this stage of the courtship.

I will give you a very good example of where one culture, imposed its decadent values on another, during the Vietnam war, in 1968 over 500,00 U.S. Troops were serving in Vietnam, they brought with them there Western values, young Vietnamese women who were also from a similar culture to Philippine women were dragged off the street, and petted and abused in public, that caused embarrassment to families, and gave all U.S. Serviceman after that a bad reputation, the type of behaviour displayed back then, did little to enhance the future reputations of any other visitors.

A Filipina will not be impressed by bad behaviour, in front of her family, friends, and colleagues, your adjustment in behaviour, especially in public and on meeting the family, will be very much on show, therefore discreet displays of affection are required and a good standard of gentlemanly behaviour is the requirement, if you wish to have success in your courtship.

In the Philippines, if a man wants to be taken seriously by a woman, he has to visit the latter's family and introduce himself formally to the parents of the girl. It is rather inappropriate to court a woman and formalize the relationship without informing the parents of the girl. It is always expected that the guy must show his face to the girl's family. And if a guy wants to be acceptable to the girl's family, he has to give pasalubong (gifts) every time he drops by her family's house. It is said that in the Philippines, courting a Filipina means courting her family as well.

This could not be more true, as I have said previously, when you marry a Filipina, you marry the family, to try and separate a Filipina from her family, is an extremely unwise move, she may even loose her respect for you, and my resent your stance on this matter, to embrace her family as your own, will not only endear you to her, she will most likely confess her love for you even more, this is because as I have said in other articles, she cannot and will not be happy unless her family approve of the relationship.

In courting a Filipina, the metaphor often used is that of playing baseball. The man is said to reach 'first base' if the girl accepts his proposal to go out on a date for the first time. Thereafter, going out on several dates is like reaching the second and third bases. A 'home-run' is one where the girl formally accepts the man's love, and they become magkasintahan (from sinta, love), a term for boyfriend-girlfriend.

So in essence, its rather as it says, going from 1st base to 2nd base to 3rd base to 4th, this often has to be done online, so lets face it the rules are slightly different, however, you are still in a situation, where you will need to meet the family, don’t think just because you are not Filipino, that you wont have to fit into this criteria, once a Filipina confesses her love for you, you are in the realms of magkasintahan, then the serious matter of courtship has commenced.

During the old times and in the rural areas of the Philippines, Filipino men would make harana (serenade) the women at night and sing songs of love and affection. This is basically a Spanish influence. The man is usually accompanied by his close friends who provide moral support for the guy, apart from singing with him.

I actually offered to do this part of the courtship ritual, however, I was told don’t worry we don’t expect that now, but it does provide some sort of light relief, this part of the courtship, can easily be carried out by the provision of romantic letters in your letter writing thus you can express your affections and confess your love for her this way, although you may not sing for her, you can learn OPM that is Original Filipino music, and learn the words, for her if you wish, she might be quite flattered that you took the time to learn them.

Filipino women are expected to be pakipot (playing hard to get) because it is seen as an appropriate behaviour in a courtship dance. By being pakipot, the girl tells the man that he has to work hard to win her love. It is also one way by which the Filipina will be able to measure the sincerity of her admirer. Some courtships could last years before the woman accepts the man's love.

I have personal knowledge that some courtships in the Philippines can last from 7-10 years, this is not unusual, although I suspect you boys will tire of that, as courtships never last that long here in the UK, I know of a situation, where the courtship lasted 7 years, and then the man was labless, because the family finally did not approve of him, the filipina rather than go against the wishes of her family, rejected him.

A traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipinpa maiden) is someone who is mahinhin (modest, shy, with good upbringing, well-mannered) and does not show her admirer that she is also in love with him immediately. She is also not supposed to go out on a date with several men. The opposite of mahinhin is malandi (flirt), which is taboo in Filipino culture as far as courtship is concerned.

That is why it is most likely that if a Filipina commits to you in a friendship long distance it is unlikely that she will be also having a friendship with several other men, if she is confessing a love for you, you can rest assured, she would be unlikely to say the same to another man, if she has told her family, that she has a man, with whom she thinks she can have a courtship, albeit the man is overseas, she will still be taking a large step in telling them, it is taboo for her to consider flirting with lots of men, in this situation, that does then give you confidence once you get to 4th base with her.

After a long courtship, if the couple later decide to get married, there is the Filipino tradition of pamamanhikan (from panik, to go up the stairs of the house), where the man and his parents visit the woman's family and ask for her parents blessings to marry their daughter. It is also an occasion for the parents of the woman to get to know the parents of the man

Although because of the distances involved and the very nature of a long distance relationship, you may still be expected to meet the parents, and at the very least, ask the parents, for their support, and to ask the parents also for the hand of their daughter, this is still practiced, and you would be well to take note of this, to assume the hand of a daughter without speaking to her parents, is considered to be presumptuous.

Although it is unlikely that your parents may meet the parents of the Filipina you are pursuing, it is almost likely that you will meet her parents, you might like to take Pasalubong for them, and perhaps an invitation to dinner is the correct setting to make a request of the parents, for the hand of their daughter in marriage.

During pamamanhikan, the man and his parents bring some pasalubong (gifts). It is also at this time that the wedding date is formally set, and the couple become engaged to get married.

Do not be over flippant about engagement to a Filipina, this is a serious step, once you are engaged, to break it off for any apparent reason is a serious matter, may bring embarrassment to the filipina, and cause shame to the family, to ask her to marry you, is a serious step, it should not be undertaken lightly, think first before acting.

The Filipina and Tampo or Tampuhan.

The Tagalog term tampo has no English equivalent. Magtampo is usually translated as 'to sulk', but it does not quite mean that. 'Sulk' seems to have a negative meaning which is not expressed in magtampo. It is a way of withdrawing, of expressing hurt feelings in a culture where outright expression of anger is discouraged. For example, if a child who feels hurt or neglected may show tampo by withdrawing from the group, refusing to eat, and resisting expressions of affection such as touching or kissing by the members of the family. A woman may also show tampo if she feels jealous or neglected by her beloved. Tampuhan is basically a lovers' quarrel, often manifested in total silent treatment or not speaking to each other.

Tampo is often covered in other articles, having to deal with it is another matter, A Filipina may display Tampo arising as a result of tampuhan, or as it says a lovers quarrel, the best way to help, is to slowly cajole or caress the filipina out of it, which as much love and attention as you can display, for Western men, especially British men, this may be a difficult thing to deal with, there is little point in saying “Oh Imp off out then”, when you have really failed to understand what the problem is, A Filipina can be quickly cajoled out of it, by gentle loving persuasion, trial and error is often the key, using different methods to bring her around, sometimes it requires the help of family to assist you in bringing her around.

The Filipino obsession with Bola

Mahal kita, mahal kita, hindi ito bola."

The line literally means "I love you, I love you, I am not joking." Bola means ball, as in basketball. To "make bola," a patent and peculiar English Tagalog statement, derives from Tagalog: e.g. Binobola mo lang ako, which implies saying untruths but in such a charming manner that what the speaker says appear to be true. It's related to "binibilog ang ulo," literally making a head round -- bola (ball) and bilog (circle) have the same shape round. It remotely recalls "drawing circles" around someone.

make the title of this section sound closer to English, then: "Seriously, I love you." That deflates the statement though, since the translation is bereft of all that affection in a Pinoy's wooing of a woman. Affection and the lightness of language -- for she, if Pinoy, too, knows he can just be saying it but not truly meaning it, so he enjoins her at the end of the line plaintively: do believe me, hindi ito bola, seriously, peks man, cross my heart and hope to die.

Deep down the Pinoy knows words are just that -- words. Sounds articulated by the vocal cords. Nice to say, good to hear. They need not always carry the weight of truth. And we're adept at manipulating them. It's a cultural attitude to language. We're not supposed to believe everything we hear.

Where is the truth of the loving, then? In the acts of loving, in the action of love -- especially those which are not meretricious; those which do not advertise the feeling of love and loving behind the act and actions. Wala sa salita; nasa gawa. Not in the words but in the actions.

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A Filipina will often be heard to say “ You are making bola”, she is pretty used to hearing Mahal Kita hindi ito bola !, what you are really saying is that I love you, and that’s no lie, or that’s no bullshit, if you are an American, or I am not pulling your chain ! if you are a British guy.

A filipina also knows that words are sweet, but talk is cheap, she is looking for evidence of your sincerity, if you say you love her, then she will give you an opportunity to prove it, actions for a filipina are more important than words, if you promised to book a flight and come to see her, well then, do it, the mere fact that you turn up to be with her, is evidence of your love for her, after all, making a trip out to see her, is very good evidence of both your intent and your love, making sacrifices at home to see her, adjusting your work schedules, saving money for holiday time is clear evidence that your words are true and have meaning.

What about words of love in a courtship with a Filipina ?

Mahal implies valuation, therefore, the other is prized, valued highly. It's root meaning has to do with the monetary cost of goods as in Mahal ang mga bilihin ngayon (Goods are costly now).

Ibig and mahal are feelings. They express the content of the heart that pursues. The words are focused on what the wooer feels for the wooed. There are three words which have become poetic because, I think, they are old expressions. Irog is fondness or affection for another. When there's a hint of yearning it becomes giliw. When there is reciprocity it becomes sinta. And thus sweethearts or lovers or magkasintahan. And when one introduces the other the term of reference is kasintahan. If it's friendship it's ka-ibig-an; a friendship which has a latent possibility for desire. Kasintahan is closer to affection.

Purely physical desire is of another category altogether: pagnanais. The root word nais implies focused desire; focused on an object or objection, that is. While that which is desirable is kanais-nais, its opposite, di-kanais-nais, is not only not nice but unpleasant.
In contrast to pagnanais the words which refer to love or loving (suyo, ligaw, ibig, mahal, irog, giliw, sinta) contain a lightness -- fondness, affection, yearning. There's no obsessiveness, no imprisoning. There's the lightness of flowing air, the grace of morning's tropical sunlight.
No possessiveness. Perhaps this has to do with man's regard for woman, for it is the man who woos. More probably though, it has to do with the completion of the self with, in, and through one other person (the kita relationship in Tagalog) as only one aspect of the I -- personhood: there's also ako (just the self and no other), tayo (relationship with two or more persons, including the person directly addressed) and kami (also with two or more persons, but excluding the person directly addressed).

So getting to 4th base, then needs to be where Magkasintahan is in place, this is where love is reflected between the suitor that is the man, or in our case the British guy, and the Filipina, the receiver of the love, once the affections and the mans love is acceptable to her, they become Magkasintanhan, that is lovers, not until she has accepted your affections and love, will she consent to a full relationship, which leads to her accepting a proposal for marriage.

Generally speaking if Magkasintanhan is in place, then the engagement commences, and the could enter into a sexual relationship.

Sex within a Filipino Marriage.

The part you have been waiting for.

A Filipina expects to have regular and normal sexual relations within the marriage arrangement, they are happy to submit to the reasonable demands of their husbands, that is not say however that they are to be treated as sexual slaves.

They are brought up from an early age to be respectful of their husband, but also they are brought up that discreetness is a virtue they would need to display, when it comes to matters of sex, A Filipina is not expected to discuss these matters openly in public, and will not expect her husband to talk about what happens in their bedroom in public also or within a close circle of work friends or other social situations.

Sadly, even Filipinos have a habit of bragging in public about their sexual conquests of young Filipina’s, this lack of being discreet is frowned upon, and considered a taboo subject, this is a good secret to learn when courting a Filipina, keep matters of sex within the confines of your own personal relationship with her, what happens in the bedroom should stay there, if you adhere to this very simple advice, you will find that A Filipina will satisfy your every desire.

What she does not know, can be easily learned, if you are a parents house, you may be afforded the privilege of being alone with her, but you also have the chaperone there to ensure that no inappropriate behaviour takes place.

It would not be wise to try and pet her in public, or in shopping malls, holding hands is fine, and a Filipina loves to hold your hand, however anything more than that, is not appropriate, you may have noticed in the Philippine news section recently, that an American was deported in Manila after a Provincial governor complained that she was being “Groped” after returning from the Lavatory, Western standards of sexual behaviour will simply not be tolerated in the Philippines.

I hope that this article has helped you to understand the courtship process with A Filipina, adhering to a few basic rules, will certainly go along way to making your pursuit of a Filipina successful, trust me when I tell you, if you stick to this good advice it will be all worth it in the end.

(some of my research has been obtained by talking to Filipino males during transit to the Philippines, so it comes straight from the horses mouth, some research has been taken from personal experiences.)