Good morning

[Arthur Little]

Hello. This is my first posting, although I’ve followed this site for a fair while, have used the information available, read all the relevant posting…. and so for that, I’d like to say a big THANK YOU.

So…. my dilemma, my concern, plight, problem, predicament …

I met and wooed a Filipina woman, and I certainly thought “this is the one for me, this is who I want to be with, this is someone I can happily live the rest of my life with”.
So, we went ahead and applied for a fiancee visa.
(Why fiancee instead of getting married in the Philippines ? … because for at least a few years we’d need to live in the UK, so I wanted her to see the UK, understand the culture changes, appreciate the changes this would cause, and allow her to decide IF the UK was acceptable to her, as her happiness and well-being is paramount to me).

So… the visa was granted, and she arrived 4 months ago. Great, marvellous……
Well, yes, at first it was (and still is, as the good times are truly GREAT)….. but the tampo & jealousy & mood swings are destroying us, especially me.

I’d read about tampo, (also followed the threat on this site) had experienced it previously … but never like this ! And why …. the causes of this, and the jealousy ?.... I find it difficult to fathom or understand.

In the 4 mnths since she’s been here, I’ve changed my life to accommodate her, to be there for her, to support her, to encourage, to comfort her, to reassure.
I’ve also changed my working habits, so at least 1 day a week I work from home, and she usually comes into the office with me for ½ a day. I’m home by at least 5.30pm every day, and if we are apart I call her at least twice a day. Almost every day I give her a little present when I arrive home… a book, flowers, a bar of chocolate… just something to show I care & am thinking of her.

I never work on Sat/Sundays… these are OUR days, just for us, and I try to make them special… be it going to the coast, a country park, a stately home, the theatre…. But there is always something.

We go shopping together (although it would be easier to do it myself), as I want to get her “involved”, to be a part of everything, to let her make decisions.

In these 4mnths, I have been out twice on my own…..once about a month ago, for an 1hr to see some friends and have a chat over a couple of beers. On that occasion she refused to talk to me for 2 days… totally ignored me.
The second was a few days ago… a business (dinner) meeting with male colleagues that I could not avoid, and had told her about at least 2weeks in advance. She called 5 times during the dinner to ask “Are you enjoying yourself”, and “I hope she appreciates it” … and to demand to speak to her ! I even offered (before I went out) that she join me later when the dinner had concluded, and we could have a drink together. “I’m not that stupid” was her reply.

“We” also now avoid the “local” ….. if a friend’s wife/girlfriend smiles at me, or talks to us, later that night she’ll say/ask “Are you sleeping with her ?” or “You two obviously had a thing in the past …why bother denying it”.

I could go on and on…..

But I love her ….. but this Jekyll & Hide character is destroying me. I’d like to think of myself as witty, humorous…. but I’m having to count to 10 now before replying/answering as every word & sentence is scrutinized.

We are due to be married at the end of this month …… and ……I honestly don’t know what to do.

Try & work it out ? ….. or accept that even though we love each other, we cannot actually be together.

Any thoughts, comments will be gratefully received.

Good Morning to YOU, and Welcome.

My immediate reaction on greeting you had been to satisfy my curiosity as to your choice of 'nom de plume' and ask what is so "grievous" about being an "angel"?

However, reading through your post, it soon becomes apparent that you are "hurting" emotionally. And, being a sensitive bloke, I genuinely "feel" for you ... having undergone a somewhat similar experience myself [albeit with a British woman] 11-1/2 years ago. Following a "whirlwind courtship", we (foolishly, in retrospect) found ourselves engaged after knowing each other for little more than 3 months. I say foolishly because, practically from the outset of our brief relationship, it became evident that the lady in question was the jealous type; e.g., I only needed to smile at ... and say "hello" ... to ANY other female I knew, to be asked afterwards: "D'you FANCY her?". I treated this lightly at first, and simply laughed it off. But, as time progressed, so too, did this same scenario ... until it reached the stage where her behaviour began to get beyond a and was wearing me down.

[Grievous Angel]

... and many things to ponder on.

Mrs JMajor .... we do EVERYTHING together, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Re; the dinner ... it was a BUSINESS (work) dinner, with colleagues I see only 3-4 times a year. I'd already postponed it twice .... and no others brought their wives or girlfriends. It was over by 9.30ish, and that was why I'd suggested she meet me afterwards at the restaurant.

Lets try another example ....
I was invited to a Wedding Anniversity party. The invite arrived in the post with my name on it many, many months ago.
"Why isn't my name on it ?"
"Because they are not aware of you... it's someone i see very rarely, so are unaware that you and I are a couple. They,ve always known me as single. But I've called them up and told them I'm bringing you"
"I'm not going unless my name is on the invitation"
.... so I got them to send a new invitation.
The night of the party....
I explained that knowing the people & where it was held, and the "style" of the invite, the women would be wearing long / cocktail dresses and the men, suits.
"I'm wearing jeans"
"If that's what you want, feel comfortable in.... but all the other women will be wearing a dress, and you'll be the odd-one-out"
"I'm wearing jeans... not interested in what they are wearing"
So, I also dress down , hang the suit back up in the wardrobe.

We arrive.....
"All the women are wearing dresses..... I totally stand out"
"Darling, I told you, I explained this"
"Well, you should have INSISTED on me wearing a dress, you should have DEMANDED it..... well. I'm not staying. You can if you want... I'll sit and wait in the car"
So I gave my apologies to the host/hostess and left.


I'll put up with lots of things .... I appreciate the "transition" is difficult, and I'm always there with a smile, a kiss, support, a hug .....
.... but it's so so difficult

[Mrs.JMajor]

... and many things to ponder on.

Mrs JMajor .... we do EVERYTHING together, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Re; the dinner ... it was a BUSINESS (work) dinner, with colleagues I see only 3-4 times a year. I'd already postponed it twice .... and no others brought their wives or girlfriends. It was over by 9.30ish, and that was why I'd suggested she meet me afterwards at the restaurant.

Lets try another example ....
I was invited to a Wedding Anniversity party. The invite arrived in the post with my name on it many, many months ago.
"Why isn't my name on it ?"
"Because they are not aware of you... it's someone i see very rarely, so are unaware that you and I are a couple. They,ve always known me as single. But I've called them up and told them I'm bringing you"
"I'm not going unless my name is on the invitation"
.... so I got them to send a new invitation.
The night of the party....
I explained that knowing the people & where it was held, and the "style" of the invite, the women would be wearing long / cocktail dresses and the men, suits.
"I'm wearing jeans"
"If that's what you want, feel comfortable in.... but all the other women will be wearing a dress, and you'll be the odd-one-out"
"I'm wearing jeans... not interested in what they are wearing"
So, I also dress down , hang the suit back up in the wardrobe.

We arrive.....
"All the women are wearing dresses..... I totally stand out"
"Darling, I told you, I explained this"
"Well, you should have INSISTED on me wearing a dress, you should have DEMANDED it..... well. I'm not staying. You can if you want... I'll sit and wait in the car"
So I gave my apologies to the host/hostess and left.


I'll put up with lots of things .... I appreciate the "transition" is difficult, and I'm always there with a smile, a kiss, support, a hug .....
.... but it's so so difficult

Awww, well she is not flexible and open minded , your right bit there, hard to dance with the music, ok I gave up my card, ask her as soon as you get home if she want to stay with you for the rest of her life, or you'll book her flight going to her beloved family
Sorry, as I read that party you attend, and at the end she blame you whattaa

[Arthur Little]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I read your post and I have to say that in your situation, I would not be looking to get married at this moment in time. It sounds as though you are, or very nearly on your knees with the jealousy and her general insecurity. Four months is not an insignificant amount of time for her to get used to the UK and also to be re-assured, constantly by the sounds of it, by you and your actions.

I'd like to say that things would get better by being married, but my gut feeling is that her jealousy / tampo would continue. Don't forget, ALL couples need to have some time away from their partner ie hobbies, social groups etc. It's a healthy part of being in a committed relationship. Can you honestly say that the way things are at the moment you would feel happy for them to continue as they are for, maybe for years to come?

I realise that as far as the fiance visa is concerned, time may not be on your side with regard to the wedding, but you have the rest of your life to consider. Think long and hard....................

Good Morning to YOU, and Welcome.

My immediate reaction on greeting you had been to satisfy my curiosity as to your choice of 'nom de plume' and ask what is so "grievous" about being an "angel"?

However, reading through your post, it soon becomes apparent that you are "hurting" emotionally. And, being a sensitive bloke, I genuinely "feel" for you ... having undergone a somewhat similar experience myself [albeit with a British woman] 11-1/2 years ago. Following a "whirlwind courtship", we (foolishly, in retrospect) found ourselves engaged after knowing each other for little more than 3 months. I say foolishly because, practically from the outset of our brief relationship, it became evident that the lady in question was the jealous type; e.g., I only needed to smile at ... and say "hello" ... to ANY other female I knew, to be asked afterwards: "D'you FANCY her?". I treated this lightly at first, and simply laughed it off. But, as time progressed, so too, did this same scenario ... until it reached the stage where her behaviour began to get beyond a and was wearing me down.

Sorry, I must've pressed the wrong key(s) while still in the middle of my response to your introduction. If I might now continue: [Please DON'T ALL groan at once ... or grit your teeth ]

This ill-fated "romance" I'd been referring to in my previous post finally ended when Heather [her name ... obviously!] raised objection to my going off on a pre-arranged Saga holiday to the Spanish Costa del Sol - with my widowed MOTHER [of all people] and another relative.

It seems to me that YOU'RE in a very difficult situation here. The thing about Heather was, her jealousy went to extreme levels on several occasions and had even led to her threatening me physically more than once. Which is WHY, given YOUR fiancee's pattern of behaviour, my gut instinct almost prompted me to advise you to "send her packing" before it's too late.

However, I'm particularly impressed with the sensible advice of my fellow-member, 'New Shoes' (whose post I've made a special point of quoting above) and would suggest you again, taking on board ALL that she's saying, not forgetting what the others have contributed. It COULD well be that your girl IS feeling homesick and, consequently, rather "fragile" and insecure at the moment ... in which case, talk with her about these things ... try to sympathise with her emotions ... whatever they are ... and reassure her of your . But remember, it's supposed to be an EQUAL partnership. And, as such, YOUR feelings are every bit as important. So take care not to neglect them in the process.

My Best Wishes to BOTH of you.