Totally Hilarious - Waiter from Hell
Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, and cleaned up after you. All you had to do is chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a labratory rat who has to struggle through a maze everytime it wants a chunk of cheese.
"Good everning" the maitre d' said. "table for four"?, yes thank you. "Smoking or non"?... "non"... would you prefer indoors or outdoors this everning? "I guess indoors would be good". "Very well Sir", he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio or our lovely solarium?"...Uh, let me see.... uh... "I can give you a lovely view to the solarium". " I think the solarium would be lovely," I said. We followed him there. "Now would you prefer a view, overlooking the golfcourse, sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the west,?.. "Whatever you recommended". i said. LET HIM MAKE A DECISION, i thought. "He sat us by the window facing the golfcourse, lake or the mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.
Then a young man better dressed and bettterlooking than any of us presented himself at our table. "Good evening", my name is Paul, and i'll be you're waiter tonight. Would you like me to take your order later?, "no" i said. I'm just a meat and potatoes guy, so i'll have a filet mignon and a baked potato". "Soup or salad?", "salad". We have mix green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp." "Just a mix green salad okay?" what ever you say Sir!". "Dressing?" . " I don't want to make another decision Mr. Paul.... "Whatever you have will be fine, then he answered: We have creamy-italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette, thousand island, dijon, ranch....."Just bring me one. Surprise me. "Creamy italian is our house specialty. Would that be alright Sir?". "Yeah", I was curt. I was done with civility. "And your baked potato...." I knew what was coming. "I just want the baked potato dry, you understand?. I don't want anything on it". "No butter?, no sour cream?".. "No".. "No chives?".. "No"... Don't you understand English?". I shouted. "I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak. "Would you prefer the six-eight or 12-ounce steak, Sir?". "Whatever". "Would you like the rare, medium , medium well or well done?".. Or if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you". "Pauly Boy", I said, "You are really starting to get me steamed". "Which brings up the vegetables, Sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, diced carrots....". That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like settle this outside?".. "Fine with me, Sir". Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?". " I prefer right here", I said, and sucker-punched him. He ducked, then countered with the left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection.
I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over a berated Pauly. I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When i regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right infront of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics - whatever i wanted. "No, no,".I said. "I'll be alright. Just bring me a glass of water". "Yes, Sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water or club soda with a wedge of lime?"...
Originally Posted by nigel
