- I also like the one about the boatload of Viagra that went down in Loch Ness — and the monster came up.
- I feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel all day.
- What’s the difference between an Iraqi woman and a pilchard? One’s ugly, greasy, with bulging eyes. The other’s a fish.
- I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
- A guy walks into a shop and says: "I'd like to buy a wasp." The shopkeeper says:"A wasp? But we don't sell wasps." "Why not?You've got one in the window."
- My sister went to a hairdressers and said:"Make me look like Lea Salonga." So she hit her over the nose with a hairbrush."
- I was walking down the street the other day and saw a lesbian. She must have been a lesbian because she didn't fancy me.
- A bloke goes to the opticians - the optician says "I'm afraid your going to have to stop wanking" Bloke:"Why, will I go blind?"Optician "No, but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room"
- Yorkshire couple go to Majorca for their first holiday abroad. Being typical Brits abroad, they don't trust the local food, and as it's a Sunday they start cooking a roast dinner. Unfortunately they've forgotten the gravy granules, so Maureen says to Geoffrey:"I'm sure the couple next door are English, go and ask them if they've got some"So off he goes, knocks on the door, Geoffrey asks politely: "Hast thou any Bisto??"The bloke says: "F*** off you Spanish C***!
- Drunk bloke goes into a bar and shouts "You lot over there are a bunch of w******s! And you you lot over there are a bunch of cunts!" One big man stands up says "How dare you!I'm not a ******" Drunk bloke says "Get over there with the cunts then!"
Most from Bernard Manning
