Jokes that work only in Scotland

[GaryFifer]

If you're married to yer Scottish man, ask him. The rest...ye'll get em!

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

[Northerner]

yeah, I guess they do onl work up north

[aposhark]

Your wife Jessica must be brave (or mad) to live up there!

Only joking, Scotland has the most amazing scenery! but words can be difficult to grasp at times LOL

[kimmi]

thanks for sharing Gary..

[Tawi2]

[tiN]

Good one gary cant stop laughing
Understand some of them but sometimes my husband needs to translate it for me

[james999]

thanks that gave me a good laugh this morning

[Arthur Little]

If you're married to yer Scottish man, ask him. The rest...ye'll get em!

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

Sumaffy guid yins therr furra fly-Fifer, Gary!!!:lol2: Parliamo Glesca'na?

[Amaw2008]

I lived in Perth for nine years as a youngster, and I got most of those jokes. "Skean dhu", hahaha, that's a good one. These ither folk dinnae ken whit a doo is, tho' thev a' had doo jobbies on their heids!

[nigel]

What is the difference between "a kangaroo"

and "a kangaroot"?

One is an Australian animal, the other is a Scotsman stuck in a lift!

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"There is nothing worn under a Scotsmans kilt, it's all in perfect working order!" - Spike Milligan

[GaryFifer]

A man walks into a bakers, points to a pile of cakes and says "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

The baker replies "No, you're right, it's a doughnut."

[Arthur Little]

I lived in Perth for nine years as a youngster, and I got most of those jokes. "Skean dhu", hahaha, that's a good one. These ither folk dinnae ken whit a doo is, tho' thev a' had doo jobbies on their heids!

Having lived in 'The Fair City' myself ... for nearly 42 years ... I've yet to come across a "Perthite" with ANY sense of humour. For all that the town is sometimes alluded to as being 'The Gateway To The Highlands', I imagine its "natives" probably still think of a Skean Dhu as a "Ski-ing Pigeon" ... !

[Arthur Little]

These ither folk dinnae ken whit a doo is, tho' thev a' had doo jobbies on their heids!

Could that be because they've been "pigeon-holed"?

[Amaw2008]

Well Arthur, I'm afraid I'm not a native of Perth, which is probably why I've got such a great sense of humour. My mother is Lancastrian, and my dad, who was working in Perth back in the sixties was a Londoner. We moved up when I was four, and back down when I was twelve, so I absorbed a lot of the culture. If I can get by reasonably well in "Scots Leid", it's because I had good teachers; the other kids at school. The best way to avoid being beaten up as a sassenach was to blend in. It's great chatting with you guys, it brings back a lot of memories. I exchanged a few emails a year or two ago with a guy who wants to preserve Scots; he wants to have road signs such as "Hud Oan! Bairns!", and a newspaper and t.v. broadcasts in Scots. His funding is a fraction of that given to to the Gaelic language, so heilanders can blether oot their Erse. Here's to the humourless folk of Perth!