Going Public?

[Northerner]

Hi Guy's

This morning I got up to pick up the post and found to my surprise an envelope from Cebu, Philippines. So like a giddy child, I opened my letter with a smile I have yet to lose (after about 3 hours) to find a greetings card from Rizza with a couple of photographs and a prepaid pinoy sim card. Knew she was sending me this but did not expect it for another week, as I thought postage between the phils and the UK is terrible at best.

So today will be cool despite being full of a cold and not 100%!

But I have been thinking lately of how I can make our relationship public and even after reading the excellent advice given by Pete (in earlier posts) I am still a little scared! I know many in this country have a perception of Filipina's as money grabbers, in my previous relationship I confided with a friend only to have him lecture me for an hour plus as to how crazy I am, followed by a few emails of links to Filipino scammers, ladyboys and people nailing themselves to crosses.... Basically, he was not impressed! Despite not then ending that relationship (an regular forum members will know what happened), I told him I had finished it and never broached the subject again.

Now with Rizza, she is a friend on my facebook (as is one of her cousins from the states) and I had asked her to not send me postings indicating we were courting, no lovey dovey stuff! And she was a little hurt by this and could not understand why I was doing that and thought I was ashamed of her.

I suppose I am just fishing for thoughts here. I personally plan to not reveal our relationship until I have been with her in the phils and can show some photographs of the two of us together. But even the thought of when and how is not a good thought! I think that no matter when I do this I will be facing some sort of derision from my family and some friends. So how did you guy's manage this?

I also thought about leaving it until they meet her in person? But that would be if we went the distance and I got her into the UK on a fiancé visa, and is it too late by then?

[Florge]

ahhh.. she's way too fast for you it seems? explain to her how you explained it to us. be honest with her as she deserves to know also where she stands. my bf didn't go public until after about 4 or 5 months chatting. he has to go public as he will be visiting me for the first time and needs to inform his parents. I also didn't force him to make it "public". But after we met, well... it's a different story as we have decided to be exclusive (if you know what i mean). hope my story helps.

[Northerner]

ahhh.. she's way too fast for you it seems? explain to her how you explained it to us. be honest with her as she deserves to know also where she stands. my bf didn't go public until after about 4 or 5 months chatting. he has to go public as he will be visiting me for the first time and needs to inform his parents. I also didn't force him to make it "public". But after we met, well... it's a different story as we have decided to be exclusive (if you know what i mean). hope my story helps.

Thanks Florge, I don't think she is too fast for me but I am the first westerner she has gone beyond a few conversations with and yes we are commited to seeing each other and taking it to wherever it goes (Tawi2 - leave it). And as her whole family now know me (I have seen most of her family on the webcam and said hello) and it was me who started the conversation as I did not want to go through my facebook one day with a few questions from my sisters who live on that site

She just could not understand why I was keeping it quiet yet at the same time inviting her onto my facebook so that she could get to see my family and friends

[Florge]

just tell her why... i think she'll understand... and let's hope she won't throw any tantrums... hahaha...

on your end, you may also have to assure her that you will go public soon... sometimes, women see it as a stamp of commitment if our men "broadcast" that we are their gf/wife

[aposhark]

.......I suppose I am just fishing for thoughts here..........

"One life - live it", and it's yours to take it wherever you want, nobody else's.

[Northerner]

...sometimes, women see it as a stamp of commitment if our men "broadcast" that we are their gf/wife

I'll remember that!

"One life - live it", and it's yours to take it wherever you want, nobody else's.

Wise words my friend! If I ever get a tattoo I will consider getting that

[monkeyface]

Hi Northerner,

I understand why Rizza is hurt when you told her no lovey dovey stuff in FB. For her, you are a couple, regardless of being in LDR. I am also certain that she is very proud of you but might feel that the feeling isn't mutual. It is frustrating on her part when she can't make "lambing" to you. To us girls, it is so "kilig" to make "lambing" in public.

I too felt hurt at some point when my boyfriend decided to be listed in a complicated relationship in there. He just said he's not ready to list as a couple yet and that he has always thought of our relationship complicated. He asked me to wait until he is ready but we do normal lovey dovey stuffy in there and he even posted pics of us together.

In my opinion, it is ok to take time in making your relationship public but you should also be mindful of Rizza's feelings. Don't expect that once you explain to her the situation, everything will be ok. At some point, she may again feel frustrated about the situation. Always be there to comfort her and let her know how much she means to you.

Take care.xxx

[Tawi2]

She actually sounds special,and on the ball,sending you the SIM etc is a great idea,it only costs her a peso to TXT you,corrrr,she sounds ok mate to be honest Why cant I find one like that As for your mate who lectured you blah,blah,blah I met loads of guys like that,been no-where and seen nowt,all they know about asia or indeed anywhere in the world is bad publicity like "Me love you long time" rubbish,I once had a fight in the back of a van and hit someone with a hammer because of quips like that(I only deadened his arm a bit,just a bit bruised)but yeah mate,she sounds ok,your lucky

[Tawi2]

People nailing themselves to crosses?I went there years ago to see that,its actually a tourist attraction in San Fernando Plus they dont die,they just "Wilt" a little We only walk down this road once mate,theres no return journey,you cant come back and rectify mistakes,so do what you want to do with your life,be with who you want to be with,be happy
Your mate who gave you the lecture,well,he is living inside his own bubble,walking down his own particular road,living his own lifestyle,its for him,its not for you or maybe it is,but you have to board that plane before your going to find out,we all make shed-loads of mistakes during our transient stay here,but thats the beauty of life,the experiences we have,the things we do,and the people we meet as I always say,its all a game,its how you play it that counts Enjoy your holiday,and dont forget my pasalubong,your allowed to bring 3 buxom 25 year olds back duty-free

[Mrs Daddy]

Listen to your heart my friend!

[pacificelectric]

When reading this I feel glad I live in a country (France) where 99% of the people have no idea where the Philippines are located and probably imagine the president is Imelda Marcos.... I am 54 and do not give a damn what people around me think, but for my gf in Davao, it is really something to be in a relation with someone she can be proud of. Because I call her everyday over her lunch break (06.30 AM here...) I am famous among her office mates especially since I am not the usual American/Briton/Australian and I just offered her a dermatological treatment for age spots on her cheeks she could not otherwise afford. All of this has made a reputation to me there and of course I will be careful to confirm the good impression when I am there in September....

[Tawi2]

Listen with your heart
You will understand
Let it break upon you
Like a wave upon the sand

[Florge]

Why cant I find one like that

oh boy... I was already playing cupid for you

[Northerner]

She actually sounds special,and on the ball,sending you the SIM etc is a great idea,it only costs her a peso to TXT you,corrrr,she sounds ok mate to be honest Why cant I find one like that

Yeah, your right. She is special! Just wished her goodnight after chatting on yahoo and now that I have that sim card she has sent me 9 texts already today Just need to pick up a cheap phone tomorrow

As for your mate who lectured you blah,blah,blah I met loads of guys like that,been no-where and seen nowt,all they know about asia or indeed anywhere in the world is bad publicity like "Me love you long time" rubbish

True, but I introduced him to his wife so I think he always thinks he can fix me up with an english girl

Roll on the next 92 day:sport-smiley-003:

[Piamed]

I undertsand how she could feel hurt. I had no issues telling everyone where the woman i was dating came from. One black lady asked me why all the black men with a reasonable education and job tended to go for the trophy wife. I gave her a lecture about ignorance and the areas in which she might improve herself so that she would not remain single and never heard from her again.

Another foolish person remarked that i 'bought my wife'. I addressed that head on also. Others can think what they want as we are all liable tio stereotyping.

At the end of the day, I'm happy and folk can celebrate that with me or I do not need them in my life. No matter who they are.

If this girl is the one for you then you must be strong for you both. Good luck mate.

[Northerner]

I undertsand how she could feel hurt. I had no issues telling everyone where the woman i was dating came from. One black lady asked me why all the black men with a reasonable education and job tended to go for the trophy wife. I gave her a lecture about ignorance and the areas in which she might improve herself so that she would not remain single and never heard from her again.

Another foolish person remarked that i 'bought my wife'. I addressed that head on also. Others can think what they want as we are all liable tio stereotyping.

At the end of the day, I'm happy and folk can celebrate that with me or I do not need them in my life. No matter who they are.

If this girl is the one for you then you must be strong for you both. Good luck mate.

Thanks Piamed

I think I am already mentally prepared to face people and stand up for Rizza, my family are terrible for starting fights over petty things and there is no way I will allow them to go against me on this. If they are concerned I would understand, but they will allow me to live my life as I wish it.

If I spent the rest of my life avoiding risks - it would be a lonely one!

[Ji&Ma]

If I spent the rest of my life avoiding risks - it would be a lonely one!

Let me just add
...and very boring one....

[flomike]

I remember when me and my husband still on LDR I asked him how he announce to his family that he got a GF....he just said to his family I got a new GF and she's 6000 miles away. Well, of course they're all shock But he said to me, they can say anything they want but I can do what I want.

He even announce to their yearly family reunion that he got a new GF etc and showed my pics to them, so, when I arrived in UK and I have to attend their family reunion, they know me already.

Its unbelievable feeling when your special someone really proud of you

[Sophie]

Listen to your heart my friend!

Listen with your heart
You will understand
Let it break upon you
Like a wave upon the sand

I agree with you both
Listen to what your heart tells you northerner.....coz once your heart decide, there's no way anyone can keep you from this girl
and you will be fighting for her no matter what, regardless of what other people might say, even your family and friends....
Give it time and get to know her more and you'll find out if she's worth fighting for.....
but the way i see it, from your posts, she seems to be a great girl and a keeper.....

[Sim11UK]

Hi Northerner....a very interesting thread.

People being people, you are always going to face some prejudices...Funnily enough, I bumped into someone I know a little today. 'You still off to Thailand, how many bob did you have to pay for her'. He said

This is common & it's always going to come up, in some shape or form.
I actually feel bad, having to write the comment above, as I don't like the Filipinas on this forum, having to read such a thing.

My advice, just be proud....do things in life that make you happy!

I would start telling people of your relationship, now you are starting to get established with each other.

I told a close friend of mine first, a couple of weeks after we started talking online...Have to say he was fine & quite interested in the whole concept...I do remember telling him, that it's ok, but where's it all going to go???? At that time, I didn't know.

A few weeks later, I told my mum....She was a little bit confused by it....she couldn't quite get the concept of it?...knew nothing about webcams, knew nothing about the internet....She's fine with it all now.

In time, more friends found out & again they were ok with it...I'm not saying it's all been plain sailing with them, as there have been comments at times, but I think really, they were just being friends & were looking out for me.

A couple of months after meeting online, I told my sister.....it was christmas & I went to stay with her....I was nervous about telling her, she was a bit concerned, but only because she didn't want me to end up getting hurt....she's been very supportive since.

As for my brother, I can't remember when he found out, but considering he is going to be my best man, you can see he's fine with it.

I would be inclined to start telling people gently... not everyone, but if you go out with a mate for a drink or something, just slip it into the conversation.

If you leave it too long, it will become harder to do & if it's anything like my experience, most of it will be positive.

Just do it.

[Northerner]

I remember when me and my husband still on LDR I asked him how he announce to his family that he got a GF....he just said to his family I got a new GF and she's 6000 miles away. Well, of course they're all shock But he said to me, they can say anything they want but I can do what I want.

He even announce to their yearly family reunion that he got a new GF etc and showed my pics to them, so, when I arrived in UK and I have to attend their family reunion, they know me already.

Its unbelievable feeling when your special someone really proud of you

Oh, trust me. There is nothing not to be proud of when it comes to Rizza! I am just taking some things slow and with a little caution

I agree with you both
Listen to what your heart tells you northerner.....coz once your heart decide, there's no way anyone can keep you from this girl
and you will be fighting for her no matter what, regardless of what other people might say, even your family and friends....
Give it time and get to know her more and you'll find out if she's worth fighting for.....
but the way i see it, from your posts, she seems to be a great girl and a keeper.....

Oh I know what people are going to say... "How did a guy like that get a girl like her"! Joking aside, everything about her is amazing so far. She is a carer so wants to work helping people.. What is not to love about that? I once told my friend his wife was too nice as she had trained as a disabled childrens teacher...

Hi Northerner....a very interesting thread.

People being people, you are always going to face some prejudices...Funnily enough, I bumped into someone I know a little today. 'You still off to Thailand, how many bob did you have to pay for her'. He said

This is common & it's always going to come up, in some shape or form.
I actually feel bad, having to write the comment above, as I don't like the Filipinas on this forum, having to read such a thing.

My advice, just be proud....do things in life that make you happy!

I would start telling people of your relationship, now you are starting to get established with each other.

I told a close friend of mine first, a couple of weeks after we started talking online...Have to say he was fine & quite interested in the whole concept...I do remember telling him, that it's ok, but where's it all going to go???? At that time, I didn't know.

A few weeks later, I told my mum....She was a little bit confused by it....she couldn't quite get the concept of it?...knew nothing about webcams, knew nothing about the internet....She's fine with it all now.

In time, more friends found out & again they were ok with it...I'm not saying it's all been plain sailing with them, as there have been comments at times, but I think really, they were just being friends & were looking out for me.

A couple of months after meeting online, I told my sister.....it was christmas & I went to stay with her....I was nervous about telling her, she was a bit concerned, but only because she didn't want me to end up getting hurt....she's been very supportive since.

As for my brother, I can't remember when he found out, but considering he is going to be my best man, you can see he's fine with it.

I would be inclined to start telling people gently... not everyone, but if you go out with a mate for a drink or something, just slip it into the conversation.

If you leave it too long, it will become harder to do & if it's anything like my experience, most of it will be positive.

Just do it.

Ahh, gutsy my friend... But I suppose with Rizza, she would always come first and friends and family would just have to learn to accept that..

[rayofLight]

Be proud with your partner...

[trader dave]

as others have said my friend its your life .... the doubters


but do proceed with a little caution

as for that old chestnut of --how much did your new wife cost you


i normally give them a big story and tell them that my one cost a lot because its a younger model and comes with all the added extras and toys [work that out yourself]

[Sim11UK]

Ahh, gutsy my friend... But I suppose with Rizza, she would always come first and friends and family would just have to learn to accept that..

Yes go for it, but don't be totally blinded by it.....you still have the big 'meet' to happen yet.

[lovelylady]

hi northerner follow ur heart AND BE TRUE TO HER AND BE HONEST OF UR FEELINGS TO HERGOODLUCK TO UR LDR RELATION A LITTLE BIT HARDER BUT WE NEED TO HAVE A PATIENT

[mickcant]

Hello northerner,
I married my wife in the Philippines last year, we are still waiting for her settlement visa, my family all know about my lovely wife but do not belive she will be here, so I am just leaving it as that and hoping she is soon here with me.
I was in my High St Bank, sending my wife some money and the chap filling in the forms looked up and said "Have you met her yet", I just replied we married a year ago!
We cannot stop people thinking what they will but we can make our lovely wifes feel as special as they are to us.
Mick.

[MarBell379]

I had the same concerns once my and my now fiancee started getting serious. We had a few arguments about facebook messages and things as well, but I was going through a divorce at the time and didnt want to get anyone any more emotional than they needed to be.
Ive had plenty of lectures from friends and doubters, almost all well meaning, and I understand and actually appreciate that, because all anyone hears about LDRs is the scamming and the problems.
Unless you start looking around, you don't hear the good stories, and even when you DO look around, you still hear these stories and I have to admit Ive had a few bad moments when my insecurities have got me worrying about stupid stuff.

Ive now accepted the fact that everyone thinks I'm nuts. Ive come to the conclusion that actually, they're right. I AM crazy, but I dont care. I'm just crazy about my future wife.

[Northerner]

Thanks Everyone, I think the general view of members of this forum is to be carefull but to follow the heart

Agreed And Mickcant, I hope you get that settlement visa soon. Thanks for the example of the banker and I am sure in years to come I will have a few tales like that too.

[Jay&Zobel]

I suppose I am just fishing for thoughts here. I personally plan to not reveal our relationship until I have been with her in the phils and can show some photographs of the two of us together. But even the thought of when and how is not a good thought! I think that no matter when I do this I will be facing some sort of derision from my family and some friends. So how did you guy's manage this?

I also thought about leaving it until they meet her in person? But that would be if we went the distance and I got her into the UK on a fiancé visa, and is it too late by then?

I asked my bf now my husband how he told his parents about me. He said, well they knew that we were penpals for quite some time, so after few years of correspondence, we then decided to meet each other in flesh and he told them: "Mum & Dad, I've booked my flights to the Philippines." BY THEN, they knew we were serious about our relationship. They did not oppose or anything (think they knew it would happen eventually)

My husband is a very private person, he isn't that type who will "Kiss and tell" nor actively participates in chit-chats. So yeah, I think it helps when you keep it in private first, not telling anyone until you know it's for real. Also, the more people involved, the more they will "cricize". Less talk, less mistake as they said.

Just enjoy things with your girl first, enjoy every minute of it. Visit her, have fun and experience the life in the PI, from there you know what to do NEXT.

Good luck anyway! She seemed nice and yep, I admire her giving you sim cards.

[Northerner]

I asked my bf now my husband how he told his parents about me. He said, well they knew that we were penpals for quite some time, so after few years of correspondence, we then decided to meet each other in flesh and he told them: "Mum & Dad, I've booked my flights to the Philippines." BY THEN, they knew we were serious about our relationship. They did not oppose or anything (think they knew it would happen eventually)

My husband is a very private person, he isn't that type who will "Kiss and tell" nor actively participates in chit-chats. So yeah, I think it helps when you keep it in private first, not telling anyone until you know it's for real. Also, the more people involved, the more they will "cricize". Less talk, less mistake as they said.

I am also a pretty private person, especially around my family as I grew up and noticed how they always started fights over petty and trivial things. I learned long ago that my business was just that, my business! They never knew much about the women in my life as I lived on the other side of town from them, they learnt some gossip only when I was once spotted in the street with some girl. And that was how I liked it... I used to always joke that they will know about my love life when they meet my wife

Just enjoy things with your girl first, enjoy every minute of it. Visit her, have fun and experience the life in the PI, from there you know what to do NEXT.

Good luck anyway! She seemed nice and yep, I admire her giving you sim cards.

Thanks